[neil_adp]

Hi.

I can't explain why, but during the last week I've thought about my adoption more than than any other time in my life. It was my 26th birthday last month. I hated it just like all of them. I switched my phone off for the day and couldn't wait till it was over. I had no idea why I always hated my birthdays. ( reading though the forums here has been an eye opener )

I was adopted at birth and I've never told anyone. I don't even think about it. Just after my 21st birthday I found out I was legally able to seek out my birth parents. It took about 2 years before I even got around to going about it. I eventually received a letter giving me name of my birth mother. It took another year before I requested the agency to contact her. About 4 months ago a letter arrived in the post.
It went along the lines "we've located your birth mother, she says there are no medical issues in the family, she is remarried and has not told her current family about the adoption, but she has never stopped thiking about you and hopes you're well and continue to have a good life" OMG! My whole life I've been wondering what it'd be like to meet her. What she looks like. What she does. Where she lives. Why she gave me up. Do I have sibling. And BLAM. I've just been brushed off with an almost automated reply letter.
I'm now angry and even more frustrated about this whole adoption thing. I would never ask my parents about my adoption. They spoke about it when I was young and its never been mentioned since. We don't have that kind of relationship (sad that) and just dealing with this is easier than approaching them out of the blue. The fact that my birth mother knows I tried to contact her and she said no just kills me. Now I have so much more to deal with. Isn't she even curious ? How can she go her whole life without ever knowing? I wish I could just tell her about me even if she doesn't respond.

Since anyone else might have similar issues, I might as well say that I feel completely disconnected from my family. I have cousins of similar age and now I don't feel the need to keep in contact. After all they're not my "real" cousins. I don't care about my grandparents either. And now slowly I'm trying to get away from my parents. I dread them phoning me. I don't want to share any part of my life with them. I kinda feel bad, but I've felt this for a long time.

I'm probably going to forget about all of this by next week anyway. (or until Christmas at least)

Neil

[SWGAgirl]

I eventually received a letter giving me name of my birth mother.

What? They flat out gave you your b-mom's name???? Are you serious????? Was it an open adoption?

[BlackSheep]

Neil-

I am an adoptee and also a bmother of a "child", now a woman that will be 26 in November, the 17th to be exact. I am different from you in that I always "knew" that I would seek my bmom from the time I can remember. I did locate her through a CI 14 years ago and have been fortunate that she was receptive to me as well as the rest of her family. Her husband is not my bfather. I knew going into the search that I stood a good chance that I could be rejected and wasn't sure how I would handle that. I am so happy that I didn't have to cross that bridge. I feel the pain you must be feeling because I have felt it most of my life without the added rejection in my adulthood.

As a bmom, I can only say that you cannot believe the emotions that you go through when you receive news of the child you relinquished all those years ago. I haven't been able to locate my daughter yet, but am still hoping that she would want the same thing you want and that I needed as an adoptee. I do have to also realize that some adoptees do not want to be found. I did, however, receive a letter from her adoptive mother when she was about 2 years old. The emotions were so overwhelming that it took me quite a while to respond. I have never received any other word from her amom since. Your bmom may need some time for this to "sink in" and consider her initial reaction to the contact.

You might try to send a letter through the agency to her with some information about yourself, your life, your goals, etc. With this information, she may, in time respond. Just remember, it may NEVER happen and you need to be able to handle that outcome also. Her response could be related to where she is in her life at this moment. Reunion is not an easy thing for anybody, including yourself! It effects more people than you might ever dream of. It is a lot of hard work and can go hot or cold at anytime.

Please stay in this forum or join a support group in your area so you can get through this trauma and have support getting through it. Please learn to be happy with who you are and what you have become without her in your life so far. Sounds like your afamily did a good job raising you as you are well spoken in your posting. In time, I would hope that you will also grow to appreciate your upbringing as they are the only family you have ever known. Part of healing yourself may be talking to your aparents about your feelings and finding out what they know about the adoption and how they feel about your search. You might be surprised with their response as they may be there to support you. You don't know for sure until the subject is broached.

Be well!

[Dickons]

Neil,

My birth father rejected me and I am still trying to move forward, it takes time and I will get there.

You and I are different though in that my adoptive family have always been and will always be my family. My birth family will also always be my family, as they have always been my family as well, even though I did not know who they were. My adopted family always made sure to include them in our conversations, even though there was no contact, its the way they were and I am so incredibly lucky.

Have you ever tried to bring up your feelings to your mom or dad? It may surpise you, they may have not brought it up because you did not. Us humans are funny when it comes to raising subjects, we get all sorts of fears that keep us from talking about things.

As to your birth mother you could send another letter through the agency requesting to meet face to face so that you can get some answers.

Good luck,
Dickons

[neil_adp]

Thanks for your replies. I hope I can open this thread in the future with updates.

SWGAgirl: I'm sure it was a closed adoptions, laws must differ from country to country.

[Queenie312]

Neil,

I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time dealing with everything you're dealing with. We've all been through our times struggling with this issue in our lives but sometimes it doesn't seem to get any easier. I can definitely relate to your hating your birthday, not telling anyone you were adopted and it not really being discussed. I always found myself feeling very down around my birthday and still do sometimes. And my parents would not discuss my adoption either. If I asked I was told "we are your family and you have no other family" and that was it so I think I got the message that it was kind of a "secret" and you just didn't talk about it. To this day I have trouble telling people but I am getting better about it. I just hate the stupid, ignorant comments that get made.

I did meet my bmother and had the opposite experience but that wasn't real good either. She wanted me back in her life as her daughter and felt I was using her to get the information I wanted and then didn't want to be her daughter. I wanted I guess a friendship maybe with her but she wanted me to start where I left off. Unfortunately when we go into these situations we never know what we are going to find and as much as you think you're prepared for any possible outcome I don't think you can truly be prepared enough. It hurts. I think the idea Blacksheep & Dickons had about maybe sending a letter to the agency with information about yourself, etc., are good ones. But I also think the bottom line hurt you are feeling is that she didn't want to meet with you and you don't know if that will ever change and I'm sure it's her loss that she may not get to know you.

I also understand your feelings of being disconnected from your family and I think it's something we all struggle with. It's hard but we need to try and open up to people whether it's your family or a support group. Someone to talk to to let these feelings out and deal with them so you can find some peace and acceptance. That is what I am trying to do but, as I said, it's not easy. I hope you continue reading the forums and I pray you do find some way of dealing with all of this and finding some peace with it.

[SWGAgirl]

Neil-
Sorry you are feeling so alone. It's hard- no doubt about it. I think alot of us feel that way or we wouldn't be here. Most people you meet on the street don't understand how it feels to be adopted...........here you can find many people that Do know how it feels.

I had my initial contact with my b-mom through an agency- and it was awful. Essentially- the outcome of most important thing in my life was being determined by an outsider at an agency who had no personal interest in the outcome of the attempt at contact.........but who ultimately had a huge impact on my b-mom's decison -yes or no- to contact.

So while contact was being mediated by this agency I found my b-mom myself (with no help from the agency of course) and contacted her a few months later to speak to her myself without some other person involved.

I was wondering if since you have your b-mom's name- could you find her or her address? Does she have your contact info?

The other thing is that the inital NO does not always mean no. If you give it some time she may change her mind- or she may decide to contact you. She is probably reeling from the shock of it all and just reacted out of fear. FEAR rules people and controls them.

If there is any way you can get the "middle man" out of the way then do it. You just never know what those people have said- at least- in my case- I found out some of the things from my b-mom. The case worker almost botched the whole thing. Unbelievable.

So don't give up just yet- and take comfort in the fact that you did reach out and she knows you are out there. That was a good thing you did.

Reunion is not an easy road for many of us on here. If it was all peachy and smooth- most of us wouln't be on this forum.

Take care Neil.

Peace, Liz

[Longtimewaiting]

Neil,
I am a bmom not in reunion with her daughter. I would have to admit when my daughter was 24, I was not in a good place in my life. My father had been diagnosed with Alzheimers, my mother 6 months later with stage 4 Breast Cancer, my husband was cheating/sleeping with my best friend (and lying about it) and I was trying to catch him in the act so that I could divorce him.

As much as I want to see my daughter and form some type of relationship with her, I would not have been able to do it. I do believe that I would have gone off the deep end if I had to deal with reunion on top of what I was already dealing with---and I was working full time on top of all of this.

Even though I dont agree with your bmom about the way she handled the situation, I do have to say to please give her some space, you and I dont know where she is in her life. We dont know if her husband and children know about you, etc. Give her some time to adjust to the fact that her grown son is trying to make contact.

You never know, maybe in a year or two she will be ready to see you or to at least make contact.

Cindy.

[bakerjw]

People change and come around sometimes. I didn't want to have contact with my bmother several years ago and now I do. From people that I've chatted with and posts that I've read, I realize that it had to be terrible news for her to hear at the time. I'd take all of the information that you have and do a search on your own. You don't have to act on the information, but you will have it readily available. As someone mentioned, you can send a letter with your contact information in case it ever becomes important to her.


And dealing with agencies. Jeesh. Catholic Social Services handled my adoption and then my bmoms subsequent search for me. When I inquired about getting some assistance I was told $300.00 to start with $50.00 an hour thereafter. Not tho mention the psychological assessment that I'd have to arrange where I now live and all of the other crap that they can think up. I would have assumed that they'd have some contact information from a few years back already. They add as much to the frustration as any other factor.

[cksmom]

hi Neil,

I'm new to reunion also. Very much like you, it took me a very long time to get to the place to even want to look for my bmom. I had no desire until I was 33. I requested my information and sat on it and did nothing with it for 4 years. I finally wanted to find her in May. I didn't use an agency because we don't have extra money for that. With the power of the internet and a local yahoo group, I found her late July. I worked up the courage to mail her a letter and she responded right away. It was positive and happy for about 3 weeks. We emailed back and forth regularly. Then she said that she didn't want to communicate now.

So while at first I felt totally rejected, not good enough etc. I am starting to understand why. It's not about me at all. It's all about her. Me contacting her brought back 38 years of guilt, sadness, fear and shame. She MUST work through that and me "in her face" everyday is not helping. My bmom has been married for 36 years and her husband does not know about me. That is another huge factor. She is afraid of what he will say and do. so is your bmom. If her kids are under 18, she could be afraid her husband will take them and leave her. anything could be going through her mind.

so my friend, this is not over. Please stay around here and read, post and ask questions. It's hard not to take it personally, I know.

[pinkcarebear]

I am in a situation somewhat different than yours, but i do feel alot the same way you're feeling. I was adopted at birth,but my exception is that my amom knew my bmom and took care of her while she was pregnant with me. So while i did grow up knowing who my bmom was, and a few things about her, it also did kill meknowing i knew her name and where she lived but couldn't contact her. I went through my whole childhood and teenage years with so many questions and feeling incomplete and hating birthdays. It wasn't until i turned 20, got married and friends around me started having children that i thought so much aobut my adoption. I got to the point that i couldn't work,go to the movies, go out with friends, anything without having hard feelings at families i would see out with their children, or just some little thing bring up all my abandonment issues. Well making a long story short my birth sister contacted me a couple years ago, leading up to a reunion between myself,my amom, and my bmom. Along with my bdad, [they are still married now after giving me up], my adopted grandparents [who are more like parents to me]. After this reunion my amom just seemed to want to tlak all the time about my adoption and my feelings and make it open news to everyone we met. Although i know she is trying to help and is happy for me and the reunion i still feel like this part of my life is very private and i certainly don't want to make it public news. After us getting in many arguements and fights i have quit discussing my adoption with her at all. I feel like this is something that i keep buried so deep inside and until i put all the pieces of me together i dont want it to be casual conversation. And after all this, after the reunion, and great relationship i have with my sister, i still have not been able to sit with my bmom and ask the questions i need to know. We have never had a heartfelt conversation, or even a deep conversation. She prefers to keep it casual and as hard as it is for me i have to trust in god that he will bring the right timing for us to have the conversation i need.

[cetalley]

Neil, PLEASE do not think for one second your FIRSTMOM does not care, for I can promise with all that I am she does. She is probaby in shock! She explained that she had not told her other family members abut you, there are many reasons for this. I am NOT condoning her behavior, but as a Firstmom I am trying to see where this could be a problem...not YOUR problem, but hers. She is probably hurting so so badly by telling you what she had to for this time being. I am willing to bet you have not heard the last. I , as a firstmom, would love to recieve another letter from you , with all the questions you may have,then wait. I know waiting is hard, but they say reunion should be taken VEREY SLOW. I can hardly wait to hear from my twin sons I relinquished, I would be the happiest person in the world. They are 22 now, and I have no expectations from them. Yes, NONE of my family,(9) siblings and a Mom) KNOW NOTHING OF MY TWINS EXISTENCE! My husband and my son, who is 29, does know, and of course their Firstdad. I will cross that bridge if and when the time comes. Please try to be patient, for this is so emotional for ALL the triad members. Her husband could be an alcoholic, could have a devastating illness, she could be going through illness herself, etc. , etc.! We can all assume so many things, just give this some time. As, to ADOPTEE_81, I wish I could be in the same room with you right now, for I would give you the biggest HUG , I could give you, it sounds like you have so many hurt feelings and could use someone to just explain to you the WHY'S of your anger and bitter, pent-up emotions. I am so sad that this has done this to you. Have you ever met your Firstmom? Any way, we all have our reasonings, I cannot give you the whys of all Firstmoms journeys, but can say, that we have ALWAYS LOVED You....no matter WHAT you think. We owe our children the time to answer all the questions you may have, and we owe that with ALL HONESTY! I wish you so much peace and serenity.

[SoniaRose]

Dear Neil,
It broke my heart to read that impersonal response from your bmom. I'm sure she was just in shock and suddenly terrified that the truth might ruin her current life, especially if she never told her husband or other children.

If I were you, I'd try to write her another letter, sent directly or forwarded by the agency, telling her about yourself and promising that you will always be available if she wishes to make contact. Hopefully someday she will have a change of heart. You're still young, and your bmom must be relatively young, so don't give up hope. I'm sure she loves you -- she is just afraid.

As an adoptee, I also often feel alienated knowing that I am not related to any of my "relatives". That's the main reason why I always wanted to have children of my own -- I had an overwhelming need to actually be related to someone.

I recently found out the identity of my two older half-siblings (my bparents are deceased), but they don't want to know me. I guess all I have left are my afamily, my husband's family, and my children. People have told me that it is my half-siblings' loss, not mine, but it still hurts.

My half-siblings have never met me, so I try to understand that they had a miserable childhood and want to keep the past in the past. In a similar way, your bmom has also put the past behind her. I'm sure, however, that she has been thinking about you since she received notice that you were looking for her. Give her time to warm up. Best of wishes.

[kakuehl]

Dear Neil, my heart aches for you. As a birth mom, I feel that I am blessed to have D in my life again. It is truthfully hard for me to understand a woman who would not want to know the child she gave birth too. On the other hand D was not a secret. My husband and later my other children knew of his existence. In fact my husband has said he used to think that the phone would ring or the knock would come at the door and D would be there. Secrets are very destructive. As others have said, this is about not about you with her. I suspect she does care about you. The problem is that she has never told her current family. If she does tell them (and how can she see you without telling them), what does that do to the trust level of her family. What else hasn't she told them? Make sure she knows where to contact you. I too would attempt to contact her directly, btw.

Birthdays are difficult times for me even after reunion, btw. D and I share the same day so it's always a time of remembrance for me. I've never asked him how he feels on his birthday. I hope that you are feeling about your afamily are more positive as your birthdate recedes in time. One of the things I love about my reunion with D is that his afamily is his family. He has just enlarged his family to include us.

I hope the desire to know you will someday (soon) overcome your bmom's reticence.

[lilolil]

Hi Neil

Similar to your story my bmom has treated me the same way. We did actually meet and after a couple of years she decided she didn't want see me anymore.

I won't lie to you, it's been extremely difficult and still is. I'm married and i'm sure my husband must be owed a sainthood for putting up with me.

It's very hurtful and I do sympathise with you. The thing is, your bmom has never been a part of my life. Yes we've both thought about them and who they are, where they are and all the Qs that build up over the years... but the thing is, while its a lovely fantasy to have, it's not real. The real person is the person who replied to your letter. The mystery reveals that actually you don't need her in your life.

I'm stuck between a rock and hard place. I want her in my life because I remember the good times, or because of who she is, but deep down I know it's always on her terms. You can't have an equal relationship with someone like that. It's not fair and you deserve more. But you have a family, with parents, and siblings and relatives who are real to you. So what that we aren't blood related to them... what does that even mean?? It is not important. These are the people who raised you for all those years and they are your real parents and real family not this fantasy bmom who in reality will probably break ur heart.

I'm sorry to be blunt but I just wish I'd had all this sorted in my mind before meeting her. I was only 18 when I met her and too young to know what I wanted and to protect myself. Then are you ever fully prepared?

I'll be 26 soon, might or might not get a present from bmom... but hopefully with time i'll be happy with how I feel about it. I'm looking to speak with a counsellor after xmas (Can't now coz i can't afford it) but I hope that I can sort myself out.

You're definitely not alone!! And being adopted doesn't define who you are or the relationships you have with ppl.

Take care
Lindsay