[jwmjwm]

First of all, big disclaimer: I haven't read the book. And I get that adoption is a loss, believe me. But I just really hate the idea that I am going through life with some major "wound," that I'm "wounded" or damaged in some way. That's the last way I want to think of myself! Anyone with me?

[sunsetsky]

I am a preadoptive mom and it hurts my heart that my child may be damaged it this way. I wish I never heard of this. Naive? Yeah maybe. I will never read the book.

[Tazer]

I am a reunited B-mom who placed my now 22 year old daughter at birth in a closed adoption. In an attempt to learn everything I could about her and myself I bought and read this book. Having met her and engaged in many discussions I am amazed at how dead-on the writer is in some of the feelings she describes that my daughter seems to have. On the other hand I am just as amazed at how off-base she is with many other statements. There are many issues that I as a B-mom never experienced, and stuff my daughter never felt, thought or imagined.

IMO, if you read the book read it with an open mind realizing that not every thing written applies to every adoptive situation. Not every adoptee feels damaged. Not every B-mom will fail to bond with others until she connects with what she lost through adoption nor do all of us feel that our adoption was a big devastating loss, blah blah blah. Treat the book like free samples at the mall...( which BTW I had several of today in the food court while buying a bridal shower gift, ) take what you like and pass up the rest. This book is NOT the bible or even the "bible of adoption!" Just my $0.2 worth...Tracy

[loveajax]

jwm, my dh said the exact same thing...i think he used the word ''hoohah''....i definitely believe adoption is a loss for an adoptee but I just don't ''buy'' the primal wound theory (disclaimer: we also never read the book).

[JustPeachy]

Not every B-mom will fail to bond with others until she connects with what she lost through adoption nor do all of us feel that our adoption was a big devastating loss, blah blah blah.

Tell me about it! Practically everything I read about bmoms talks about how psychologically damaged we are from our experience, and paints such a depressing picture of our emotional health. Not to deny that their is sorrow, grief, or pain, but jeez, so much of what is written, I really cannot relate to at all.

I feel the same about Primal Wound theory. Though some adoptees may relate to it, and the theory resonates with them, I find that it is not a "one-size fits all" idea, and wouldn't automatically assume all adoptees are going to be "wounded" in such a way just because someone wrote a book about it and says it is true. It is only a theory, not a given.

[JPDakota]

Yeah, the Primal Wound book and really its concept are seriously flawed in my experience (as an adoptee). And I did read it. Actually laughed at it a couple of times. Sad, but true.

[txrnr]

I have to say, I haven't read the book, and I don't have any intention to do so. I'm glad it's helped so many people, but since I don't feel "wounded", or have any issues with my adoption, it doesn't call to me.

[Tazer]

Originally Posted by JPDakota

Yeah, the Primal Wound book and really its concept are seriously flawed in my experience (as an adoptee). And I did read it. Actually laughed at it a couple of times. Sad, but true.

About 2 months after my daughter and I reunited she spent a weekend here after having her home painted and hating the smell. I shared my copy of PW with her and she too laughed at many of the assumptions and comments at what she "the adoptee feels." Tracy

[hrisme]

I agree with others, while the book is interesting & I have suggested it to others, I think it is an extreme view of one possibility. There are advantages to being aware of this possibility--but it is certainly not something that applies to all adoptees. I found some information I felt fit my situation, and a lot that didn't. I think it's like any resource--you need to read it with your personal situation in mind, consider what applies, and ignore what does not.

[RavenSong]

My feelings about The Primal Wound are just about the same as any other self-help book or adoption-related book that I read: take what you need and leave the rest...

I read this book when it was first published in the mid-1990's. And I took it with a grain of salt. I did see some similarities to what my son was going thru at the time. But if I had wallowed in what the book had to say about his emotional condition, it would have destroyed me.

It's a hard read, especially for birthmothers. But I think it's worth reading. The trick though is to take what you need and leave the rest. It is not gospel truth...it is a theory.

[Dickons]

The book shows many avenues that the adoptee may go through. I saw similarities in myself but also in my two siblings and we are not biologically related. The book helped me and I would recomment everyone read it.

My take on the name "primal wound" is that it is a name for the innate (primal) bond between mother and child that developes in the womb and is not expected to be broken - hence the term 'wound'.

Seriously folks, there is a connection between mother and child that cannot be explained or laughed off. I was adopted at 2+months. I cried for over 6 months and there was nothing medically wrong (Dad was a Doctor) but the only time I was truly calm was when Dad laid me across his chest so I heard/felt his heart beat. And yes, Dad is who I first bonded with.

How can you condemn a book that you have not read with an open mind?

Kind regards,
Dickons

[Tazer]

How can you condemn a book that you have not read with an open mind?


I am not condemning the book (btw: I did read it years ago) I just don't feel it's the know it all book that some in other threads make it out to be. I think that had I read it prior to having my daughter in 1985 I would have really seriously hesitated about placing her. I am simply saying IMO it kinda reads like ALL or MOST adoptees will have these issues and pain in response to being placed that no Mom wants to think her child has. I never wanted my actions to scar her for goodness sake and I didn't want to think she might spend her life staring out of doors and windows longing for something (someone) I took her away from.

On the other hand my daughter, who BTW, didn't discover she was adopted until I sent a contact letter to her when she was 19 admits she never felt she belonged to her family and always felt "odd". I know there are some good points in the book but not all of it applies to everyone. Just my $.02...Tracy

[Dickons]

Exactly Tazer, feeling "odd" is a great term. Feeling "odd" when you are a child can be a big issue - aren't they all when you are a child?

Perhaps it was when I read the book (in my 40's) that combined with the fact that I changed when my older sister started showing signs of a mental illness and was acting out extremely badly. Mom still gets upset thinking about it today because she and the other adults in my family could see (and tried their best to stop) the way I changed, I had to be to the peace maker, the perfect child, everything I did was to conteract the pain my sister was causing my parents.

And I know you read the book because you offered your copy to your child .

Kind regards,
Dickons

[appyammersgirl]

I am not a member of the "triangle" but one who loves an adoptee. I bought and read the book. I am from the UK and a lot of what is written is very "American". By that I mean that we have the British stiff upper lip outlook on life...or maybe we don't like to look too deeply at ourselves!
This book certainly opened my eyes. It's the sort of book that I dipped in and out of. Most of it does not seem to relate to my man, but there are parts that are frightingly accurate.
In fact there are things that we have discussed since I have read it which he now agrees are him to a "T" but he hadn't ever realised it before.
He has issues with his adoption and whilst I don't believe he is "wounded" as in damaged, he has demons he has to face. I hope that I can help him when the time comes.

[Stormster]

I believe it is definitely possible that adoption can create a primal wound but that it can also occur through neglect whether the child is adopted or not.

This book doesn't make me as uncomfortable as references to The Handmaids Tale though!