[LisaMarie88]

How can you judge a book you have never read? Never judge a book by its cover. Just as someone else mentioned it is a self help book, take what you need and move on. But if you haven't read it, well anyway. I am an adoptee and like others have said, there are really silly parts but other parts I started to get a lil teart eyed that someone could describe exactly how I feel. Just one persons expression. Read a book before commenting on it though...

[jwmjwm]

LisaMarie - I wasn't really commenting on the book per se. I was saying that I hate the fact that there is even a book out there with that title! To me, it paints adoptees as damaged victims, and that really bugs me.

That said, if there are parts of the book that have helped people, I'm glad of it.

And thanks to those who said, "Take what you want and leave the rest." I like that attitude. ;-)

[annmarie87]

i have just begun reading the primal wound. im an adoptee and going to be 21 in 20 days!! super excited to know that i can begin my search to find my bmom. the book so far though has open my eyes to feelings i can not express. i never felt i bonded with my amom and adad the way other children did. in fact my parents and i never really spent time together. im not ungrateful to them they have always given me a roof over my head and food in my tummy. but theyre have been times when i felt i needed someone there. just to be there. there are things i feel i can never go to them for and never talk to them about. and i wouldnt say it makes me damaged but i do feel it is something to over come. everyone has something in life to overcome. this or that. i often wonder if i had grown up with my bmom if we would have bonded... you know those mother daughter movie nights. or those camping trips with dad. i did these things with friends and their families because mine wasnt interested. and i didnt grow up with sibblings so often times i felt i had no one. in reading this book i am hoping to better understand bits of myself regarding my relationships and thoughts... i know its not the same with everyone and every situation but i do believe some points are acurate.
<3

[Tazer]

Originally Posted by LisaMarie88

How can you judge a book you have never read? Never judge a book by its cover. Just as someone else mentioned it is a self help book, take what you need and move on. But if you haven't read it, well anyway. I am an adoptee and like others have said, there are really silly parts but other parts I started to get a lil teart eyed that someone could describe exactly how I feel. Just one persons expression. Read a book before commenting on it though...

I didn't get the impression that any of the posters in this thread were "judging" the book before reading it per say, I felt most were merely commenting on it, on what they've heard, on what they feel the title implies etc. IMO this is a forum where all respectful comments and opinions are welcomed. If you've ever attended a book discussion or even a book signing you'd know that this is often what people do and after the discussions sales often increase based on the opinions of those who have read the book.

If you aren't one of the forum moderators then perhaps you as a new member shouldn't dictate what we, the posters can and can't comment on. Tracy

[amyfk]

I really didnt want to read that book.( I am an adoptive mom). Afterwards the head of my adoption support group did a bookdiscussion group on this book, so I did end up reading it.
The book just bothered me. I didnt like it. When we had the talk most of the moms at the meeting didnt like the book either. It was hard to take.
Amy K, NJ

[wishfulthinker]

I have not read the book (yet). I just wanted to say that being adopted is "hard to take".

[jwmjwm]

Originally Posted by wishfulthinker

I have not read the book (yet). I just wanted to say that being adopted is "hard to take".

Could you elaborate, wishfulthinker? What do you mean by "hard to take"?

[wishfulthinker]

You asked, so here goes...
I realize that everything in life is subjective and adoption also affects everyone differently, but here's my personal take on it...The reason that I said that adoption is "hard to take" is because for me I have spent my life wondering about my bmom and my genetic heritage (nationality, lineage). As a child, the whole family tree project would upset and confuse me, actually family trees still have that affect on me. Don't get me wrong, my parents were wonderful and I love them to the end of the earth and back. But these feelings really don't have anything to do with them. Growing up I would wonder why my bmom gave me away. Did she love me? How could she have given me away? I always thought that my bdad just took off and left her after getting her pregnant, or maybe I'm the result of a one night stand. I always understood that my adoption was closed and therefore I just figured that there was no possibility of ever finding my bparents.

Adoption is still hard to take. My curiousity and the feeling of needing to know just grew stronger and stronger, especially after having my own children. My dad once attempted to start a search for me, as I was busy with my kids and going to college, etc. (No one will ever understand me as well as my dad, God love him.) But he didn't get very far and soon after that suffered in an accident and died. That was 6 years ago. I went on with life, still having thoughts and yearnings about my bparents. I sent my consent for contact to the agency and registered with a couple of registries and still figured that the only way I could ever find my bmom would be if she did the same.

At the beginning of this past summer, I spent a great deal of time online and in contact with the adoption agency. I realized that it actually was possible to find my bmom. I found out that she actually named me and discovered what my original name was. That was hard to take. I also found out that the non-id info was so much more than the background info my parents were given, so I sent for it. It was a little like pulling teeth getting it, but last week I finally did receive it. The social worker explained that my bmom wrote to the agency shortly after I was born wanting me back. She said she couldn't stop thinking about me. My bdad also wrote and tried to get me back. Wow - that was really hard to take. Now I've really starting wondering about my bdad as well. That just makes me want to find them both so much more. And to top it off, the response to my bparents' letter was that the social worker wrote back and said that the relinquishment could not be reversed and she should see a counselor to help her get through this "period" - as if there's some sort of time frame for a mother to get over the loss of her baby and to be told she cannot get her back. That had to be really hard to take.

For the past few months it has really hit me hard that I am not entitled to my own personal information. When I asked for a copy of the letters my bparents wrote, I was told I cannot have them because my case file is "sealed". Yet, the social worker at the other end of the phone had them in her hand as I spoke to her. Apparently I am only able to have the cliff's notes version of my personal information.

Obviously, the "system" knows that searches are done and bfamilies are being found every day, yet they will not open the records for us. I suppose they would rather have us spend a lot of money, time and emotional energy, have us chasing our tails and become obsessed with searching for our own bparents.

All of this is hard to take. There are so many emotions that I've been dealing with all of my life and even more now while searching - curiousity, sadness, rejection, anger, frustration, etc. I could go on and on.

I hope this answers your question somewhat. I know this reply is lengthy and I apologize for that. There are just soooo many things that are hard to take with adoption.

[jwmjwm]

Wishfulthinker, I can relate to a lot of your post. I had a closed/sealed adoption as well, and for most of my life have known next to nothing about my bio family. I know what it's like to write "unknown" over the family history page at the doctor, to not know anything about my ancestry or about why I was placed, etc., etc.

I also know what it's like to be angry that I was not allowed to know the basics of who I was born to, where I came from, who I am genetically. Yet some random stranger at the other end of the phone had access to all that information. Why are closed-era adoptees automatically treated like potential stalkers? (I guess at some point I just had to decide not to be angry anymore, that it wasn't so productive, and I had to focus on what I could do given the way things are.)

That is certainly heartbreaking that both your bio parents wrote to the agency wanting you back. My heart goes out to you and to them.

Personally, my search was long and frustrating (about 8-9 years, all together). I went through a succession of social workers at the agency, each with a different idea about what bits and pieces of information they could give me. Finally I asked for, and was able to get, actual photocopies of my file (with all "identifying" information taken out). That gave me enough clues that I was able to figure out my birth parents' names.

There are most definitely losses involved in adoption, and some of the stories can be sad. My bio mother's story, and the reason she decided to place me (definitely not her first choice) is very sad to me.

These are all challenges that we as adoptees have to face, and sometimes they can seem really unfair. But (to tie back in to the topic of this thread) the fact that you or I have these challenges to deal with in our lives doesn't necessarily make us "wounded" or "damaged" by the fact of our adoption.

Anyway, just my take on it.

[wishfulthinker]

jwm,

You ae so fortunate to have completed your search. I hope that some day soon I can also join the ranks of adoptees in reunion.

As for the topic in this thread, I have not read the book. I do not feel "wounded" or "damaged" per say. I am successful in my career, I am happily married with four wonderful daughters and a precious grandson. I was just responding to someone's remark that reading the book was "hard to take". I replied in the midst of a whirlwind of emotions, and maybe a little bit of sarcasm, when I said that being adopted is hard to take. I do feel that it is though. But I guess my rant really doesn't have anything to do with the book Primal Wound.

[Dickons]

Wishfulthinker,

Being adopted is hard to take for all of the reasons you stated. You are also correct that the 'hard to take' has nothing to do with our adoptive families, it is the way the adoptions were and still are being done that is 'hard to take'. And to tie this in with the name of the book...if it is 'hard to take' then there must be 'something' deep inside our core that makes it 'hard to take'...innate or primal...you chose the word that describes the pain but in the end it is PAIN.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[gfmyers]

I've been reading for a while but this is my first post, mainly because I felt the need to comment on PW. That book should be required reading by anyone planning to adopt a child.

First a bit about me:
I am a 35 YO male, adopted at infancy. Spent first week with Bmom, 2 months in foster home, then went home to my A-parents.

I have had many issues that have came up throughout my life. There were no reasons for me to feel them. Before I knew I was a adopted I had very irrational fears of abandonment and rejections. I could not (and cannot) attach to anyone in a relationship without developing a "soft place" to land when the relationship implodes (I cannot think of anything good without preparing for a bad ending - relationship, jobs, etc...) I am married and have two kids and this spring I nearly destroyed it all because of my reation to an irrational panic that had over taken me.

For years, I had refused to read PW becasue "I was well adjusted, got good grades, had friends (on the exterior), have had good jobs, had a great adoptive family, married,
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...
I doesn't matter what type of facade you try to put up, how much you try to deny its there, IT IS. I will never go away and YES, it is a wound.
After my meltdown (breakdown, whatever you want to call it), I entered therapy. I had a great therapist. The first thing that he told me are there are two types of adoptees. Those who have had a major emotional event and those that will. Once we realize what adoption actually did to us, we can deal with the effects. By no means am I saying adoption is bad, absolutely not, but to ignore that fact that it dramatically affects the child is pure ignorance at best and highly irresponsible at worst.
My therapist suggested reading PW. I was the most eye opening thing I had ever done. It explained almost every emotional issue I had as a child, teen, and now adult. The overwhelming emotions were so great I cried for weeks at any time the thoughts came up.
I'm getting better now, but have a long way to go. I wish I had started this 20 years ago.

Do I recommend PW? I thing everyone and anyone involved in the adoption triad should read and commit to memory, it may just save you from doing something you'll regret forever, speaking for personal experience.

[jwmjwm]

Originally Posted by gfmyers

I doesn't matter what type of facade you try to put up, how much you try to deny its there, IT IS. I will never go away and YES, it is a wound.

The first thing that he told me are there are two types of adoptees. Those who have had a major emotional event and those that will. Once we realize what adoption actually did to us, we can deal with the effects. By no means am I saying adoption is bad, absolutely not, but to ignore that fact that it dramatically affects the child is pure ignorance at best and highly irresponsible at worst.

Do I recommend PW? I thing everyone and anyone involved in the adoption triad should read and commit to memory, it may just save you from doing something you'll regret forever, speaking for personal experience.

Gfmyers (I condensed your quote to the parts I'm responding to.) -

I respect that the book resonates with you. But to imply that an adoptee who doesn't feel "wounded" is "putting up a facade" or "ignorant" because that doesn't match with your experience is not only wrong, but seems very arrogant to me. Who are you to say what has affected me, and in what way? And I very much disagree with your therapist, making such a blanket statement about all adoptees. In addition to myself, I have adoptee friends I have known most of my life (and I am well into adulthood, by the way), and none of them have had a "major emotional event" related to the fact of their adoption.

As I said in my post to wishfulthinker, there are certainly issues and losses that many adoptees have to deal with. I've dealt with them, and sometimes it has been difficult. But I am not "wounded" or "damaged" or a victim. That's MY personal experience.

[Dickons]

Jwmjwm,

Each person has their own life ups and downs and I am glad you do not feel damaged or wounded. But I do have a question for you. Why did you seek out this site? I am not trying to be rude but I come here to be comforted and not feel alone which is directly related to my loss of knowing my birthfamily (I now know some of them but am still incredibly sad that I don't know my siblings and father).

Kind regards,
Dickons

[theonlywan]

hi there JWM and all,

I just signed up & admit I haven't read thru this entire thread, but I have read "The Primal Wound" which I found to be a good book. Nancy Verrier has a sequel book which is more indept called "Coming Home to Self" which I have majorly identified with.
It's never much fun to admit we have issues of course, but for me, the my bonding & detachment issues are a huge obsticle to overcome. Interestingly, I could not put a name to these issues until I read the Nancy Verrier books. They've been a great help to me in identifying things I always knew weren't quite right on the inside.

I wish you well on your journey & hope you are finding answers & much help.