[happy_adoptee]

i was adopted at 5 days old. i have a wonderful family i mean we have had our share of problems but what family does'nt. my mom was the greatest she always told me i could look for birth parents if i wanted to i never did than or now is this wrong? if they wanted to find me they would have right. should i look for them or just forget it and live my life?

[wrgamom]

I don't think anybody can answer that but YOU. If you are asking that here, on an adoption website, my guess is that you want to look, but only YOU can come to that conclusion.

I know for me, I could have written that post about 2 years ago verbatim. I read The Girls Who Went Away last spring and it made me look at things in a different way. All of a sudden I needed to tell my birthmother I was ok. I felt she would want to know that all of a sudden.

I have been in reunion with my birthmother since January and my birthfather shortly afterwards. It has been an experience with a lot of ups and downs, but the happiness I have received has been more than I can describe. (And, I consider myself a Happy Adoptee, too. )I think both my birthparents also got a lot of closure (not that our relationships are over, however) by my appearance, too. Again, it has not all been a bed of roses, but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat!

Again, only YOU can answer that question, but we are here to listen to you as you decide that for yourself. Every adoptee has different reasons for looking and a different timetable. Decide what is right for you and your family.

[BrockBaby]

I second what wrgamom said. I wonder why, if you don't want to know, that you would ask us what we thought. The fact that you are questioning strangers if you should or shouldn't based on just if you should or shouldn't and not another type of reason if you should or shouldn't makes me think that you are wanting to, but need someone to tell you that it's okay.

I know that sounds confusing, but here in my little mind it made perfect sense to me!

[wrgamom]

Funny BrockBaby said that because I was coming back to add that it is OK to search. It doesn't make you a bad person, it doesn't mean you don't love your parents, it means you are human.

It took me a long time to realize that for myself, however.

[snuffie]

I, too, question your question
I was adopted as a teeny baby and had wonderful aparents too. Fast forward. I am reunited with my 8 birthsiblings! It has been wonderful also.

Some things to think about - your bsibs may not know about you and that is why they may not be searching. Mine didn't know they had an older sister until I made my debut! Also, birthmoms were told that they could never search and the way laws were when I was adopted that was nearly true.

I think you need to ask yourself if you are ready for a whirlwind of emotions and those occur whether your reunion is wonderful or horrible. Read a lot of the posts on this forum and the many very good books out there.

And in the end - go with your "gut" feeling because only you know what is best for you.

Snuffie

[white_elephant]

As an adoptee not in reunion, and sort of wondering what is best for me and my family, that is why I am on this site. Just curious as to what I really want to do about it all. Learning lots, listening, reading books, etc. I'm a generally happy person, and have a great present family, I don't think being a happy or unhappy adoptee has much to do with my decision in regards to a reunion. And no, you can't assume that if you birh parents would have wanted to they would have found you or contacted you. It doesn't really work that way. (I thought the same thing at first.)

I'll second and third the previous posts in that it does sound as if you are becoming at least curious about your birth family.
It doesn't mean that you are an unhappy or happy adoptee because you want to know about your birth family, if maybe that was what you were asking. There isn't anything wrong with you making your own decision about it either when you feel you need to. Some do and some don't.

God bless you, and welcome.

[EZ2Luv]

I can totally understand why this adoptee posed this question. Before my search when I had absolutely no intentions of ever searching, many people would try and tell me that something was wrong with me for not wanting to search. It was so bad that when I was forced to search and stated that I was only searching because of my dire need for medical information I was berated by many who claimed something was wrong with me or I was in some type of denial and that I should seek therapy.

To the OP, there is nothing wrong with not wanting or needing to search, Not all adoptees have that "need to know, something is missing, I am not complete void"

Truth be told, if I did not become ill, I would have NEVER searched and that would be FINE.

Please do not allow anyone to make you feel that you must search or want to search if this is something you have no desire to do. It is OK to be OK with your life and where you are as an adoptee. There is NOTHING wrong with you.

I am not directing this to anyone, but some adoptees and other triad members. are so miserable they cannot understand how someone else can be happy, content and well adjusted.
Just so you know I felt just like you and that if my bmom wanted to fid me she would have. The sad part of my story was that my bmom never wanted me to know who she was and my half siblings rejected me to the fullest.

EZ

[BrockBaby]

EZ...I agree. I hope my post didn't sound nasty, because that was not the intention. I seriously wonder why someone who doesn't want to search would wonder if they should.

I agree that there are a lot of miserable people in this world..they come in all forms, and of course it crosses over into people who have adoption connections.

[wishfulthinker]

Your question is a totally personal one that only you can answer. There's nothing wrong with searching or not wanting to search. You should just think things through the best you can and then follow your heart and your mind.

Although there are many people here and in your life who would probably like to help you in making decisions regarding whether or not you can search, no one can make the decision for you.

I also agree that reading about adoption and search/reunion would be helpful to you in coming to a decision.

By the way...I am also a happy adoptee - I was blessed with wonderful parents.

[wrgamom]

I agree with BrockBaby, too. I was not meaning the OP HAD to search. It just struck me as funny as I could have written that exact post not too long ago. I was and still am happy. I think you can choose to be unhappy with whatever you are dealt in life, but you don't have to be.

I just find it sort of odd that you come HERE of all places to ask that question, but I stand by my first response that only YOU can decide to search or not to search. We can't make that decision for you.

There is nothing wrong with you whatever you decide.

[BrockBaby]

Wrgamom...we agree a lot, don't we!?!? LOL

Yes..to search or not..that is the question. The only one who can answer it is the one who is going to do the work of the search and have to deal with the results of the search. I would suggest that you really look into all that is involved in reunion. It brings up a lot of stuff...stuff you didn't even know could be brought up.

The choice is yours!

[RavenSong]

I thought I'd put in my two cents worth as a birthmom on this thread.

The fact that your birthparents haven't searched for you does NOT mean they don't want contact with you. I've belonged for many, many years to an organization called Concerned United Birthparents (CUB). This issue comes up at meetings from time to time. Many birthmoms, especially those from the "closed era" of adoptions, feel strongly that they don't have the right to search for their adult children. Many, many bparents believe that it is solely the adoptee's right to make that decision to search. (BTW, my belief on the subject is the other side of the coin: I have never had a problem with bmoms conducting the search, as long as their children are adults.)

The past year, I've read so many adoptees on these boards who feel the same way you do about their bparents not searching for them. Please just be aware that your bmom may feel that she has no right to search for you. Whatever you decide, I'm sure it will be the right decision for you. Take your time, read the forum threads, and get to know members of all sides of the triad. You may also want to read some of the books that are now available on the subject, as well as join a local triad support group.

Welcome to the forums!!

[kune]

happy-adoptee
You asked the question...

if they wanted to find me they would have right.

Mmmm...not necessarily. I am a birthmother who silently wondered and wished for contact but would never have initiated it. My son found me

When I relinquished my son I hoped that everything in his life would be wonderful. My wish was he would have great parents, a great life and not be touched by his adoption status. To search would have been assuming he wanted to know me......and my "gut" said....don't disrupt .....he has his own family and I'm the stranger who left him.

The day I received the letter was amazing. As is the interaction we have today. I'm not his Mother but I am his friend. Life's all good and I have no unfinished business.

Choices....life is all about choices.
Not assumptions ....very few assumptions are valid. If you need your own truths...go get them. If you don't....be happy who you are and love those who support and surround you.

Cheers - Ann

[zxczxcasdasd]

Happy Adoptee- your post sounded so much like the conversation my son came to me with shortly before he turned 18 and graduated from high school: the same genuine happiness with his life, but an inward wavering about the whole "reunion" thing. He was afraid of the impact it might have on his life. He was afraid of potential conflict or expectations of him they might have. But there was also something inside him telling him it was something he should do. Up until then, he had been adamantly content to never know.

He wanted to know what I thought, just as you are asking what people think here. I said to him what others said to you...it's your decision and yours alone and not mine to give advice on.

I did however say that I would offer him a few observations and assurances, while staying short of "you should/should not..."

I told him it was okay to be curious and it was the most natural thing in the world. I told him that making contact, or even meeting in person, is not committing to the rest of your life- it's just finding things out, meeting someone, taking steps, seeing what happens. I told him that he was perfectly capable of setting his own boundaries, maintaining his own pace and deciding what he was comfortable with as things went along.

With that, I knew he would make a decision based on what he wanted, not what he feared.

I think he wanted my "blessing" and my assurance. He wanted to be told it was natural and okay and didn't mean he wasn't happy with his life. He needed to hear that he was capable of being in control of his own life and needn't fear that he was signing over his life to something or someone by taking a first step. He wanted to hear that it was okay to meet, and that I was okay with it.

And he did meet and a lot of it was hard and a lot of it was great, but the bottom line is that we are all glad it happened. It was the right time for him and all involved are now equipped with truth rather than guessing, wondering or worrying. He is very happy to have 2 more siblings in his life, even if long distance. As hard as it was, if anything, it made us stronger and closer as a family.

This was just about me and my son, but if anything speaks to you or you can draw anything from it, cool.

[txrnr]

What made you come here to ask that question? I only ask because I first came here, almost 2 years ago trying to figure out what might be in my non-id info, and if it was worth getting. I was a bit afraid by asking for that much, that I would open a door I wasn't ready for. I never wanted to search, had no interest in contact, but was curious about my medical background. Things have gone very slowly for me, I did get my non-id, found out some medical info, and even know the identity of my bmom, I just haven't acted on it.

Take your time. If you're just curious about the information out there,or what others feel, there is nothing wrong with exploring what all the options are.

I think many of us come from great families, but that doesn't negate that there are others out there who make up part of who we are. I think the question is if the pull to discover that side is great enough to make one search? It's a different answer for all of us, and one I haven't figured out myself.

Personally, getting all my non-id was fantastic. I learned so much about my birthfamily. It answered a ton of questions, like medical, what my parents were interested in as teens etc... (the info from the agency, not the state) Of course it didn't answer everything, but it did give me some idea of what they were like, at least then.

Good luck with whatever you decide.