[EZ2Luv]

I read lots of threads where Aparents react to their adoptees doing searches and/or reuniting with bmom/families?

How important is it for an adoptee to tell Aparents that they are about to or have searched or reuntited with bmom/family?
A little background: For me, I was rather blindsided with the urgent dire need for medical history /information. Though prior to that I had NO desire for any type of search or reunion and if by chance I was ever sought out or found I would have just thanked bmom and not pursued any kind of relationship.

When the rubber did hit the road and I needed to search I felt that it was no business of my Aparents. My Amom was in the throughs of alzhimers, my Adad was devastated with Amom's illness and the whole family was wrapped up in Amom'scare. The last thing anyone needed was to start worrying about my medical issues so I kept that infomation minimal too. I was scolded by a couple of people in online adoption community that felt I should demand that Adad give me any information he might know and that I should tell him of my plans to search. I felt that at the time telling a 78 year old man that I was aboutr to search for bfamily because of serious health issues would have been far too traumatizing to him and might have hurt him. Of course I would have asked if he had information if I absolutely needed it, but I felt that at 40 something years old I did not need Aparents to know or involve them. I was able to find bfamily without Adad's help and he still has no idea I even know who they are. My thinking is, why get this man so rilled up if I do not have to. He is now 85 years old, what difference does it make now anyway?

So back to my question. Why is it so important for adoptees to let their Aparents know? I can understand if the Aparents held inforamtion crucial to locating Bfamily, but alot of times all Aparents can do is provide the name of the agency(I am talking closed adoptins here). Also, there are many ways to get thet information from Apaprents without telling them it is to search and reunite.

Maybe my feelings are off here, but I just didn't want to make Aparents feel like I was looking to replace my Amom either because she was sick.

I just think that sometimes it is better to spare the Aparents pain or anyone pain if it can be prevented. Of course if Adad ever asked I would never lie but what good would it have done anyone for him to know.

This is one of the reasons why I am so very adamant about Bmoms going straight to the adoptee and not the Aparenst. I feel that if the adoptee is an adult, the Aparents have no right to know if they are searching, have searched or reunited for that matter.

I see so much hurt feeling that go along with search and reunion and sometimes I wonder if adoptees ever tell Aparents about their search as a way of trying to hurt them. Not all the time do I think this, just only when I see posts where an adoptee can't understand why an aparents would be upset or feel threatened by a search.

Understand too that years back Aparents and Bparents where promised that things would be sealed shut and there would be no way to be found so naturally the idea would shock them.

Please know that I am not against searching or anything like that, just see alot of unneccesary pain that could be eliminated.

EZ

[finallyamom0310]

Sorry, Amom chiming in here. I guess from my perspective I would want my DD to tell me so that I can support her. There are ups and downs in every relationship and I want to be the one she turns to when there is a situation in any relationship she has and needs to talk about it. Why would it be any different if it was a relationship with her boyfriend or her BMom? To me it wouldn't.

I do understand your situation though and if I had been in your shoes probably would have done the same thing. Your mother was sick and didn't need to feel the anxiety of feeling like she was being replaced.

This raises a question from an amom perspective, why not share? I know the worries are about the amom feeling replaced but as long as there is a reminder that that isn't the case isn't it mom that most children go to regardless of age? I know I would love some days for my mother to still be alive to talk to.

Sorry if my $.02 upsets you but it is how I feel and truly hope that my DD and I are able to talk about anything regardless of feelings being hurt.

[crick]

I don't feel I have the "right" necessarily to know if my child decides to search as an adult. Just seems to be something I would want to support them in and help if I can. I hope my kids include me on a lot of "Big Things" when they are an adult. Career change, relocating, having children, marriage etc. By "include" I don't mean ask for permission or even to see how I'd feel about it, just in the way of communication.


Certainly their right not to tell me though.

[BrockBaby]

You are not alone in your silent search, as I refer to mine. I decided, as an adult, to both search and not tell my parents. The reasons I did were many. For one thing, my parents never really talked about my adoption or my feelings towards it. It felt "strange" to bring the topic up. Another reason I didn't tell was because I didn't want to deal with their reactions or feelings about it. I had enough to deal with on my end. I am an adult..it's an adult decision. I didn't feel that they would have given me the support that I needed from them. It's sorta strange..I LOVE LOVE LOVE my parents to pieces...but I'm not really the kind of person that seeks their advice on much. I've always been very independant in that way. My mom will even tell you...Lori, has always been her own person with her own mind. So really, it probably wouldn't come to a shock to them that I searched on my own. The last reason I didn't share was that my dad was in a nursing home (still is..will be four years in december...DANG! He ended up there because of complications due to diabetes...but one thing lead to another. He's in his right mind...it's his body that won't cooperate!) ANYWAY..it has been a lot of stress and such...so I didn't really want to add to the load.

It's funny. I want to tell them now, but I don't really know how. I know that I will someday...just making sure it's the right time.

[white_elephant]

EZ,

I think your perspective and your situation explains itself, and you are being exactly appropriate and loving by not placing an undue burden on your elderly ill parents.

We are adults here and no one has the right to tell us who we can and can not have a personal relationship with. Others can not like who I associate with, and that's their perogative, but who I relate with and to, that is my private business as a grown woman, I have no obligation to tell or not tell my parents who I choose to associate with in adult life. What makes me mad as a 43 yr old grandmother of 2, with aparents in thier late 80's is their lack of thinking I am capable of having contact with my birth parents, so they keep the information to themselves as if I am not "respectful or decent, or wise enough" to determine if I want to have such a relationship of my own volition, with my birth parents. That is maddening to me. JMHO.

Respecfully.

[txrnr]

I understand your situation, and for what it's worth, I think you made the best decision possible. I think I would have done the same thing.

I do know my bmother's identity, but haven't made contact. While I have come closer to deciding to contact, one of my obstacles is I am not ready to share this with my parents, who are fantastic. It's totally unrealistic on my part as they are the one's who have always encouraged me to search, and offered to help in any way. I guess I'm not comfortable including them until I decide how I feel about what I find, and I'm not comfortable excluding them, so that leaves me doing nothing. (there are other considerations too, just sticking to the topic)

Good question though! Give me something to think about.

[wishfulthinker]

I think it is a personal decision whether or not to tell aparents of a search. Every person here is unique and has their own family dynamics to consider. It is really helpful to have an on-line community here where we can all come and ask questions, read about others' stories, gain different perspectives, etc.

It makes me sad that you said that someone in the adoption community "scolded" you for your decision. I think that is crossing the line. All we can offer eachother is advice and opinions. I don't think anyone has the right to be so judgemental as to scold someone else.

You did what you felt in your heart was best for yourself and your family and really that's what each of us needs to do. There is no perfect "one size fits all" answer to your question. I'd say everyone needs to follow their heart and do what's best for themselves and those that they love.

[zxczxcasdasd]

EZ- In your particular situation, I may have done the same thing. Elderly, sick parents, from a different era....it's hard to say. I appreciate that you are speaking of your parents with concern and love.

Certainly our relationships are all our own business, and as adults, we have the right and the responsibility to make our own choices. The right not to tell your parents anything is indisputable.

So I'm not talking rights, here. That's a settled deal. Every adult has the right to keep it to themselves if they want.

I personally just don't like "spare them the pain" as a justification regarding anything about adoption, well-meaning as it is. It sounds too much like a justification for not telling a child they were adopted..."spare them the pain" - everyone here would jump on that! Or a reason for not sharing pics or visits with the bmom..."spare them the pain". Again it's usually affirmed that it's not for others to withhold information by deciding for others what they can and can't handle. Withholding truth in the name of being kind to someone, is usually more about sparing ourselves the effort and possible conflict that truth and communication require. Pretty much everyone agrees that it's wrong to withhold truth from adoptees and birth parents- even if and especially if everyone is adults. But it's like if it's aparents...well, it's none of their business. Make it simpler for everyone. Just keep them in the dark. That way they won't bother anyone. I just don't get that. When bmoms and adoptees are treated like that, people roar! Myself included!!

I'm NOT saying that every adoptee should or has to tell their parents they are searching or are in reunion, because every situation is different. Some aparents have just flat out earned themselves out of a place in their kids' adults lives. But I'm talking about healthy families, loving relationships. I'm saying to consider whether the reason, if applied to you, would be how you want people dealing with you.

One of my great fears about my son in reunion, was the fear that he might not be honest with me- really honest- and that instead he would just play the adoptee role of people-pleaser and tell me what he thought I wanted to hear, play the role he thought I wanted him to play...and then would do the same thing with his birthfamily, with the ultimate result for him being an inauthentic divided self, held captive by role playing and pretty lies. I don't think that it would be healthy for him and that's not the life I would want my child living. I would a zillion times rather hear truth that hurts than lies that placate. I would feel like a fool treated like a child to have everyone "spare me" the pain of knowing the truth that other people in my family know. I would be devastated if my son was living like that. I firmly asked him repeatedly to take the time to discover what his own truth was, what he wanted and what his reunion was going to be and to have the courage to communicate that to both his bfamily and to us- not to play up to or toy with or lie to either of us.

I would want my kid to trust me that I can deal with my own pain and my own discomfort. It would hurt so much deeper to be kept from his truth, to not be given the opportunity to love and support him through whatever reunion requires. Even if his truth was something that wounded me deeply, I want to know the people I love so that I may understand them and love them better. I want to love the truth of who they are, not be spoon fed the parts that will keep me happy.

I know that many adoptees and birth parents feel strongly that reunion has nothing to do with aparents. I know I've spouted my opinion on numerous other threads. I have great respect for many people here who disagree with me on this. This is just how I see it.

[snuffie]

I truly believe you did the right thing. I think everyone's story is different and in some cases it would be perfectly fine to tell aparents about our search and in others not. In my own case, I had told my aparents years ago that I was searching. They didn't say anything to me but told others that they were not happy and were confused by my need to search. I wish the lines of communication had been such that we could have talked more about it.

Years later when my search was nearing its end, my amom had Alzheimer's, my adad dementia and physical illness. What purpose would it have served to tell them? None as far as I can see as they were not in a place mentally where they could have understood.

Had things been different and if they had been healthy I know they would have loved my bfamily as much as I do. They were just those kind of people. But it was too late.

Snuffie