[goldeneagle]

I an in reunion with my birthfather he has an overwhelming love for me that he said he has felt this all his life. He wants to hug me and always needs akiss goodbye even though I said I'm not ready for that. He needs me to speak to him everyday reassure him he gets jellous of everyone. He wants to cacoon me as his own. He gets really nervous when we meet and makes me feel a little uncomfortable. He said he can't sleep at night as his emotions are everywhere. Please advise me
Whats going on.x

[jwmjwm]

Goldeneagle-
I'm not sure what GSA is, but your birthfather's behavior certainly does seem overwhelming. If it makes you uncomfortable (and I can see how it would), I think you should set some firm limits with him... or even step back for a while until he has things more under control. Have you spoken to him about this?

[goldeneagle]

GSA is Genetic sexual attraction. No I haven't touched the subject with him yet on this. But I have really strict clear boundries.xxxx

[JustPeachy]

Has your bio dad received any counseling or would he be willing to? I think it is important when going through reunion to get counseling, especially if you are struggling, and it sounds like your bdad is. Has he read anything on adoption reunion? I am a bmom currently not in reunion, but hoping things move forward in that direction. I've already gotten a lot of knowledge and support through a group I attend and also stuff I've read. There are some good books out there about adoption reunion that talk about GSA, perhaps you and/or he can read them. I'm not sure if GSA is involved in your bdad's case, but I can clearly tell you his boundaries (or lack thereof) are not healthy. I understand the desire to want your bchild near, hating to say goodbye, etc., but the kissing and hugging when you are clearly not comfortable, well, he should be respecting your boundaries, and the jealousy thing is off the charts. How long have you been in reunion? If it is just recently, his emotions will be all over the place, and it will be hard for him to sleep, but that is all the more reason he needs counseling to help with this. Things should settle down in time, but if he is refusing to respect your boundaries, it will be harder for you to maintain a relationship and if it's GSA, well, he will need professional help.

[goldeneagle]

I have been in reunion for four months there is a lot of other stuff too. I feel uncomfortable I did speak to my adoption worker about his needs ect. She suggested that I should have a look at GSA as he may be feeling that way. He would not see anyone about his feelings ect.

[white_elephant]

goldeneagle,

It sure does sound a bit "unnatural", I don't know about the GSA either, but something isn't right. Emotions and reunion are something I have not yet experienced with the bfamily, so I would not be wise to advise. However, as a middle aged female who has lived some life, it all sounds a bit over the top and extreme. Maybe he's just an extreme kind of person though too. Do you know anyone else that knows him? Does he generally behave this way, is what I'm asking?

Definately make sure he respects your limits and boudaries, that is fair and right to do with everyone we have a relationship with. I'd be wondering why he would refuse counselling as well. Seems if he wants to hang onto you that tightly, he'd want to do some actual "work" to show it. The jealousy thing, that is just horrible for anyone to have to deal with. You are right to be very, very cautious. It's so new though I'd just keep doing what you are doing and it'll work out on way or the other, that's all you can do. I'm sorry you are experiencing this with him, my heart really goes out to you.

Welcome here, lots of great caring experienced people on all sides of the adoption issues. It's a great place to learn and to ask question.

Best to you, and God bless you.

[goldeneagle]

Thank's He won't yet reflect on his thoughts and feelings I don't think he wants to go there just yet. I will keep plodding on. I'm not easily scared away I just want to start feeling comfortable. "O and is it normal he always calls himself dad and say's he will only be cured when I see him as a father". I have parents and don't need another father. I am the only person that can help (whats that about) I don't do therapyxxx

[white_elephant]

Sounds like his view of you is a little "tilted" as if you are the missing piece he is going to be making up for all of his past lack of responsibilities. YOu can't help him there, you have to just be who you are. I don't need another mom either, so I know what you are saying. I see it as another relationship only, he/she may see it as a lifetime of regret they are going to "make up for" - just my own theory...but I have some experience with being the bio parent on the other end.

As a bio parent myself that has also had my own "issues" w/ leaving my bio children at a young age, then regaining custody some years later, there is the real deep desire to try to MAKE UP FOR the regret you feel for not being there when you know you should have been, and in my case, I could have been, it was my own selfishness that I left them for six years. I had to reckon with that myself, that wasn't their fault. Did I want them to forgive me and love me, and virtually pretend it didn't exist? Of of course I did, wouldn't we all like to erase the past! I did realize they had the right to literally hate me for it if that is how they felt, I gave them permission to do that, it was their choice - I hurt them, not the other way around. Don't think for a minute he isn't aware he has hurt you really badly, he knows, he just may not know what to do about it...so you are getting the "overkill" in the opposite direction - it's his way of trying to make up for not being there and hoping you'll forgive him and someday call him father. It's a "fantasy" of sorts, it's not very realistic as far as you are concerned though. I'd be amiss if I didn't say that my own guilt didn't play a part in how I raised them from then on. We are very close now, and I was very honest with them, apologized profusely, but this is very hard to do - very hard. It's very humbling and degrading to apologize to your children, even as adults. I admire those on these boards that are willing to self examine and be humble in thier reunions. Unfortunately not all look at this way, which is why I am being very cautious about my own bmom's reunion. I'm afraid she won't be honest with me, and I've done that with my own bio children, so I'm afraid I won't understand why she wouldn't love me enough to do that for me, you know? It would seem that way, it would in reality just be that she or he in your case if just a person grappling with the reality that they need to face for themselves.

Warm regards.

[goldeneagle]

Thankyou all for your supportx

[goldeneagle]

God bless you your so thoughtful and consideratexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[rainmon]

golden eagle, from what I have read here on this forum, there are a lot of parents who want to hug, touch, hold, & kiss their lost & reunited birthchildren and it does not seem it is unusual for him to want this. but because you have "specifically" come right out and said that you are not comfortable with it right now... it may be just that he has boundry issues, and needs to get a handle on respecting that you are not comfortable with it.

If you would read how some of these b-parents are feeling about reunion and how hard it is for them not to overwhelm their B-child in reunion, you will see that how your b-dad is feeling right now is probably in this "honeymoon stage and is not unusual.
It may not be GSA at all, it may just be overwhelming feelings of joy to finally know his daughter. does he have other kids? maybe he is just like this with everyone, likes to hug etc... and another poster asked if you can ask others who know him if it is just his way.
why do you feel the contact that he wants is sexual in his behavior? you do not say. does he just want to kiss your cheek? is it just a normal type hug?
Is there something else he has done to make you believe it is GSA?
maybe if you write him a letter that you are happy
to be getting to know him..... but that you are feeling somewhat overwhelmed by all his attention and that you just need a bit more space or time to get to know him, at a slower pace, that right now it is maybe... too much, too soon.
you need to ask for what you want and maybe a letter that he can read over and over to remind him of this would be the best way for it to sink in.
and especially if you are young, he should understand
that he needs to tone down somewhat so he won't scare you off with all his "Daddy" emotions.
maybe he needs a forum also to help him connect with others who are going through what he is going through... it could help him too.