[tlee70]

Hi everyone
I've been a long time member here...still haven't sorted out things!
Do any adoptee's ever just feel like throwing in the towel? I am so tired of my bparents not understanding. I am so tired of feeling let down...it hurts. I'm tired of feeling like an obligation..rather than a daughter. I have been told that I should empathize with how guilty they must feel (I also had a bad childhood). I"m just so tired of compromising...why can't either of them step up to the plate ???
I"m currently reading the book "coming home to self" and it has been a REALLY hard read. I can see how numb both my bparents are...I just want to run ..why should I do all the self help work..and they do none??

tlee70

[sal]

The only piece of advice I have is to take care of YOU! The only way that I can deal with others not "stepping up to the plate" is to think if I would want my life without them... if the answer if "no".. then I have to accept the "terms" that come with having them in my life... maybe that means putting a protective "wall" of sorts up to prevent expectations that won't be fulfilled.. etc. Kind of looking at the glass 1/2 full instead of 1/2 empty. I find if I switch the way that I think about stuff.. the easier it is for me to deal with it. I have put some people at a long arm's distance.. (my choice) because of them being more toxic in my life than I wanted... Doesn't mean that I don't still care about them.. but I'm NOT putting myself into the fray that they cause. Sorry for my rambling... but nobody can make someone feel a certain way.. it's how we perceive things.. and how we allow ourselves to feel. I wish you luck in dealing with your bparents... don't lose sight of YOUR feelings... and take care of yourself.. sal

[tlee70]

I agree with you Sal. How do you recognize a toxic person?? I have had my hopes up...for years, thinking that one day, my bparents would understand.
They are definately all caught up in their own stuff...and cannot see past it.
I was soo hurt recently because I really thought that my bmom and I had made some huge breakthroughs this past winter. After 16yrs...I felt that maybe we could have a relationship..the walls were coming down. We talked ALOT these past months...well in retrospect...maybe I talked alot?? She even sent me a birthday card this year...first time in 16yrs...that has to mean something doesn't it??
We talked several times about the book that I had read..Primal wound. She wanted to read it, so I told her I would send it to her.(which I did) That was a month ago, and I haven't heard from her since. There was talk of us getting together in august (right now, while on vacation) but have not heard a word from her.
yet again...I"m feeling soo hurt, and insignificant...
I am yet again feeling sooo emotional ...unmet expectations. You would think after all these years, I would learn....

tlee

[Jo Ellen]

tlee,

As an adoptee reunited with my bparents I can say I have felt the same as what you have expressed. I seem to be the one making more effort to keep the contact going and sometimes I am ready to say enough is enough. However, something I have realized is even though I am the one making the phone calls and bringing up dates for visits my bparents are always so ready for me to be there with them. What I have come to understand is I have to take care of myself, keep my life balanced and do what works for me. Best wishes along your journey.

[bprice215]

Tlee this is more about you and your wants than about you bparents. I had high hopes that you'd find what you were looking for eventually, but I guess not. That isn't your fault. Hopefully you'll realize that people are going to do what ever they really want to do, with or without you. What a shame for them to miss their daughter. Take care and keep reaching for that bright star tlee, eventually you'll capture it's glow.

bprice215

[BrockBaby]

tlee...Sal had some great advice for you! She's good at that! Have you talked to your bparents about how you are feeling? Or are you afraid of what the answers may be? Sometimes people, out of their own insecurities and issues, don't feel that they have the "right" to be the ones to pursue a relationship. Sometimes some people just aren't good at that, with anyone. But you'd think that after 16 years...it would be easier. Perhaps you could talk to them about this and how it makes you feel. One piece of advice I give and live by is, "Nobody can give you what they don't know you need." Some people are just so wrapped up in themselves that they aren't able to see what is so obvious to others or ourselves. Maybe they need a big sign saying...CALL ME...it would REALLY mean something to me!!! I know even for me, someone saying, "Call me anytime" does not necessarily mean I really feel that I can. But...if someone tells me..I love it when you call me...ect. I feel better about that.

I am sorry that you are in this position. It is a hard place to be...and a place that I've been in. (but not for 16 long years like you!) I have wanted to throw the towel in as well. Sometimes I ask myself..what's the point!? Why should I be the one who is always reaching out?! (this is with extended bfamily...) My bmom doesn't have my personal information, so I don't expect from her!!!! I wouldnt' want it from her!

I hope that you can work through this and do what is the best for you!!!!!

[Dickons]

Tlee,

If you gave your mother the book Primal Wound and she read it or is reading it...she may be feeling terrible about what you may have felt/do feel/went through. To know there is a chance that you went through even a tenth of the commonalities across adoptees would be devastating to a birth mother. If that is the case then you must give her time to deal with that pain.

If your birth family has a different set of values and ethics regarding family, then you must decide if you can have a relationship with them and the degree of relationship. Genetics play a large part in who we are but our families that raised us also play a large part in shaping who we are and what level of tolerance we have.

Whatever the truth is, you must be open and honest while still being true to your character.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[tlee70]

yes, I have tried to tell them how I feel and even recently asked my bfather if he would read the book "primal wound". I told him that I felt more like an obligation than a daughter...he said, I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't know if he'll read the book...probably not, things have been the same between us for about 3-4yrs. He comes down to see us for both my kids bday and usually a quick visit before xmas. It's very superficial......
My bmom...I REALLY thought we had turned a corner...we've had some huge obstacles..yet again, I get my hopes up and am sorely dissappointed.
I feel like I need to become "numb" again...just to get through all this...I"m so tired of taking a risk, putting myself out there for them...and getting very little in return. I"m tired of compromising...yet, really I'm unwilling to live without them in my life. It's very confusing....

Dickons, my adoptive family and I have VERY minimal contact. I grew up in an extremely abusive home..emotional and physical. My adopted father was a minister. There is also the added complication of my deceased child...he died from a genetic illness..passed onto him through me, which my bmom passed to me as a carrier. I didn't know..... It's been a LONG road with her. She also had a son that passed away from the illness. Her mom...is unaware, after 16yrs, that we have had contact all this time....that hurts.
Yet, I can understand her fear of telling her mom and dad about me (they knew and were in volved in the adoption)...she is afraid of being judged by her mom, because she didn't tell me about the genetic history..although I was only 18 when I was pregnant. Recently, she said she felt strong enough to deal with 'whatever' her mom dished out at her..but was more afraid of how her mom would take losing her first great grandchild..... that was six months ago...nothing. It's all so complicated..
tlee

[BrockBaby]

tlee...kinda the darned if you do, darned if you don't feeling, eh? Would you like to run away to a beach somewhere with me? A deserted island would work for me...you can have one side, I the other...and when we felt like having some human contact we could meet in the middle!!???!? Actually, I love the people in my "every day life" but would LOVE to run away from all the other "stuff" that reunion brings....so in those times, the island sounds heavenly to me!!!

I guess for you, it's a matter of finding out what you REALLY want to do with this....sometimes I have found that just venting, getting it off my chest, and knowing that others KNOW, helps me deal with what I'm dealing with a bit better!! It doesn't change the circumstance...but the way that I deal with it. Which most of the time..is all that we can do when we are dealing with other people anyway. I have come to terms with the fact that I can only change the way I react...not the way the other person is. Although, with that, also comes the choice of what am I going to allow the other person to dish out to me...which is where I am right now! And yes, that is why the island sounds like a lovely idea to me!!!! heehee

Best wishes...keep posting and sorting through this!!!

[tlee70]

so funny....an Island sounds like JUST the answer. I would like the morning sun please? LOLOL
I am just so weary of trying to get to a "good place" with bparents. It's just not fair!!! your right...dammed if you do, dammed if you don't
tlee

[BrockBaby]

That is fine with me...I prefer the sunset! I might bring along my laptop....and of course we will be close enough to civilization that I can get a signal with my internet thingy...lol...we may need to get on this site!!!

[Dickons]

Hi Tlee,

There is a thread/survey on this forum from a doctor on family medical history. If you are okay with it - you could be a real impact with the genetic illness.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[shadow riderer]

Originally Posted by tlee70

so funny....an Island sounds like JUST the answer. I would like the morning sun please? LOLOL
I am just so weary of trying to get to a "good place" with bparents. It's just not fair!!! your right...dammed if you do, dammed if you don't
tlee

Hi Tlee:

You wont believe this but I've been wondering about you, and how things were going. Our reunions seem so paralelle sometimes, and amen to what you stated. lol
The one thing that has been most difficult for me...and most painful, is the realization that neither of my Bparents can be what I need them to be for me. They can't be that for me because they can't or wont face their own issues. It's not been fun. It really hurts to know that not only are they hurting themselves but they have broken my heart as well, and it just really doesn't seem to matter to them....well...at least not enough for them to work on themselves. I don't think it would really be fair of me to say they just don't care. I think...in their own way...they do care. I think it's more like they just aren't emotionally capable of facing the truth about themselves and then doing the work. They both lived in denial and avoidence for the majority of their lives.

Well, it's just really hardd to teach old dogs new tricks, especially if the trick is difficult and the dog would prefer the security and comfort of familiar surroundings such as, laying under the porch in the shade, even if its a little muddy and their are fleas. Once the old dog crawls under the porch, getting him out aint gonna be easy. If he don't want to come out, he's gonna do a lot of growling and biting, and in the end...he still aint coming out. Sometimes the best thing to do is let laying dogs just lay.

Letting go of the fantacy I wanted my reunions to be was by far the most difficult thing I have ever done. The grief that followed the acceptence that my Bparents just weren't going to be for me what I needed them to be was pure heck. The good news is that, now that I've let that grief out, and am still grieving a little, I am ready to start focusing on my life and who I am. I'm letting go of them and getting on with "my" life as it is now.

I haven't ended my relationships with them. I've just stopped putting all the effort into relationships that others put no effort into. I'm leaving it up to them, and I'm letting go.

One more thing I had to grieve for was the childhood I didn't get to have because of my not so pleasant childhood with an abusive Afather. It was a hard thing to admit that somehow I hoped my Bio parents, especially my BDad, would somehow be the Daddy I never had. I fought it for a long time, but it just kept coming up in therapy until I finally just had to admit it. lol It may not be the same for you, but I was amazed. I thought I had dealt with my issues with my Afamily and the way things were. I was wrong.

Well, this was the long version of saying that I'm here for you if you need to talk, and oh, boy, do I understand where you are coming from.

[dpen6]

Hi9 Tlee,

sorry things are difficult for you right now I have no words of wisdom but wanted to let you know I am offering you as much strenght as I can muster.

I remember you from years ago when i was first baptized by fire in forumland!

Donna

[tlee70]

Thanks Dpen and Shadowrider..I remember you both well too. I appreciate the words of comfort. I am just at such a loss right now...I have no words, ever felt like that? I feel tired, tired of the choas I feel.
Someone told me I should read "The secret"..maybe that will be life altering ..in a good way lol
tlee