[dpen6]

Tlee,

I read my horoscope today and it said something to the effect of needing to summurize the past and let go then chart the furture. I kinda liked it. In other words don't get caught in the past, even when the past has a lot of sorting to do. Summerize.then chart the furture. You may have to accept the relationship with your bparents ...AS is....in order for YOU to get any peace.

[djvj]

hi, i'm a bmom who feels the need to chime in.

i am about 1 month into reunion with my 23 yr old bdaughter, and even though the f2f we had was very wonderful, afterwords, i'm kind of lost as to where we go from here. i love her, i will always love her. she has 2 great parents whom she loves dearly and who have given her the world. in my case, everyone is supportive of the reunion and i've never kept any secrets about relinquishing my daughter.

but now....we've met. and i'm not sure what she wants from me. what i can do for her. in her situation, she doesn't need "another" mom, and my main concern is how to build a friendship without barging into her life. my strongest wish is that i knew WHAT i could do for her. i would be open to anything -- but i am so afraid that there isn't really a place for me in her life, besides the long distance friend...it's hard for me. could you all do me a favor and make a short list of what it is you wish your birth parents could give you? it would help me to have perspective -- to feel necessary to her.

i love her with all my heart and wish there was a way i could be a 2nd mom - but her amom is so great i don't think she needs this at all. besides money, i sometimes wonder if i have anything to offer her at all except information about her biological background and assurance that i relinquished her with love, and that i've loved her every day since she was born.

any ideas????
thanks

[naurusky]

Hi djvj,

I'm an adoptee and have not yet met my bparents. You mentioned that you would want a list of things an adoptee might want or sometimes need from their bparents. I can understand how you don't feel like your bdaughter needs another mother but I don't think you should look at it like that. A daughters love for her amother figure can be hard to describe to her bmother. I guess what I would want from my bmother is friendship. You shouldn't feel like you can't provide anything for your bdaughter because friendship in any relationship is what makes it so strong.

Although I haven't met my bparents I know that I should never have this fairytale ideal towards it if I were ever to meet them. There will be so much I would like to ask them but I'd need to consider that English is not their main language and the culture I grew up in would be so much different to theirs. Sometimes I think, is it necessary that they know all of my tribulations in my life or would it be more important for them to know about my triumphs? These are all questions I can't answer right now but I hope one day when the day comes I'll know. I guess my only hope would be that they would be proud of me.

Tlee, my heart goes out to you and I hope that you're still able to stay true to yourself. I wish I were full of more wisdom but I'm sure everyone else connected with this forum have plenty to give.

[naurusky]

I said tribulation but I think I meant trials

[tlee70]

Good morning everyone!
I just reread this whole thread and I want to say thanks to all the responses! I don't usually get much time to post as I have little ones running around. I feel a little more clarity today and I"m hoping, for my husbands sake that I will be in a better mood today lol.

Shadowrider....you posted
Well, it's just really hardd to teach old dogs new tricks, especially if the trick is difficult and the dog would prefer the security and comfort of familiar surroundings such as, laying under the porch in the shade, even if its a little muddy and their are fleas. Once the old dog crawls under the porch, getting him out aint gonna be easy. If he don't want to come out, he's gonna do a lot of growling and biting, and in the end...he still aint coming out. Sometimes the best thing to do is let laying dogs just lay.


geesh...this sounds SO much like my bparents! Did you ever get angry when you realized that this was how your bparents are?? I fip between being sad/hopeful and then angry. Sometimes..I think I just want some hint of acceptance and love and then I think, I deserve better than scraps!!!!

My bfather, has pretty much always been under the porch! I think he has had an especially hard time with my adoption ...but you know, it's been almost 5yrs since our reunion and we have definately not gotten closer.... I"m tired of this superficial relationship.... I have been pretty much at a loss with what to say to him anymore...we only talk every once in awhile on MSN and then the few token visits each year. I know this is better than nothing...but I deserve better than that don't I??? I once said to somone...if you don't like me for who I am..then maybe we shouldn't know each other. My bfather needs counselling...for sure,before he can really talk to me..... I get the "I"m sorry you feel that way" answer...for everything.
MY bmom, well.....I'm just SO weary of hoping for a substantial relationship with her. I'm tired of taking a risk..then getting hurt. I"m pretty much at the end with her if she doesn't have something substantial to say after her prolonged silence. It really is a shame...her mom really would have loved my children.

tlee

[BrockBaby]

tlee...glad that you are feeling a bit better this morning. I know the feeling of getting angry about "this was how your bparents are??" YES I DO!!! I want a do-over on a regular basis. I want a new bmom. But..that's not reality. I can't change who she is. I can't change how she is. I can only change the way I respond to her. I do get angry that I didn't get a "good" bmom...that mine is mean and nasty. Such is life.

My bfather isn't proactive at all. His relatives tell me that he doesn't feel he has the right to be. That he is respectful to me and the fact that my parents don't know...I haven't talked to him in over a year. I have never met him. He moved from Florida to Ohio and never told me. Before that he was telling me that he wanted to meet me, blah blah blah....so he moves to Ohio and never even tells me. His sister told me...months after the fact. (when I called her) Sometimes it would be nice for someone else to take the initiative!!!! I guess I'll take your mood from yesterday!!! LOL

I guess what we have to remember is that it is them that is missing out. I enjoy the fact that I can come here and people "get" me....

[shadow riderer]

Originally Posted by tlee70

Good morning everyone!
I just reread this whole thread and I want to say thanks to all the responses! I don't usually get much time to post as I have little ones running around. I feel a little more clarity today and I"m hoping, for my husbands sake that I will be in a better mood today lol.

Shadowrider....you posted
Well, it's just really hardd to teach old dogs new tricks, especially if the trick is difficult and the dog would prefer the security and comfort of familiar surroundings such as, laying under the porch in the shade, even if its a little muddy and their are fleas. Once the old dog crawls under the porch, getting him out aint gonna be easy. If he don't want to come out, he's gonna do a lot of growling and biting, and in the end...he still aint coming out. Sometimes the best thing to do is let laying dogs just lay.


geesh...this sounds SO much like my bparents! Did you ever get angry when you realized that this was how your bparents are??"
I've been seeing a therapist for a year now because of it. Anger doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. I think rage is a little more accurate. There was a period that, had my Bparents been physically present, it wouldn't have been much of a stretch to punch either of them in the nose. They have both been passively cruel in the things they have done over the past three years. I felt abandoned and rejected at such a deep level, by the way they would pull me to them with pretty cards, sweet words, and promises I knew they wouldn't keep, and then push me away, or completely shut me out when others in their lives made it difficult for them. How could I not feel like I just really didn't matter to them, so saying I felt enraged isn't an exaggeration.

"I fip between being sad/hopeful and then angry. "

The emotions could change from day to day, hour to hour, or minute to minute: anger...saddness...rage...despair...repeat. The emotions hit hard, and tears could just come out at anytime...anywhere. It was definitely a struggle to keep control of my emotions, not to mention my sanity. I would have never gotten through it without therapy. Never in a million years would I have imagined I could be so emotionally out of control. Don't get me wrong. It isn't like I fell to pieces in public etc. I kept it all inside for the most part, and hidden from others, but people close to me knew something wasn't right.

Then my bp's would throw me another bone...the hope...and then the cycle would start over.

"Sometimes..I think I just want some hint of acceptance and love"

Isn't that all we really want as adoptees? No one, includeing my abusive Afather at his worst verbal abuse, made me feel as unworthy, unloveable, unwanted, worthless, insignificant, etc, as my reunions made me feel. What I find amazing now is my Bmom is either completely in denial abouthow her behavior has hurt me or just really doesn't care. The bottom line...I am still her ddirty little secret, even after 20 years of reunion. It sure hasn't done much for my self esteem, if you know what I mean.

As far as Bdad, well, he knows he has hurt me, feels bad about it, but as long as he can call me whenever he wants and I don't expect anything in return from him, he's fine...unhappy, but fine. His wife actually gave him the ultimatum, your daughter or your wife, when there was never a choice to make. He lies to her and still sneaks off to his office to call me. She checks his cell to see if he has talked to me. It's nuts, but he made his choice to continue to let her control him, instead of standing up for himself and his right to have relationships with his daughters. Whatever floats his boat. What can I do anyway. He tells me he needs me to be a part of his life and I am important to him. Maybe it's just me, but I'm just not feeling the love? Honestly, I just don't think my Bdad knows what a healthy relationship is, much less, how to have one.


" and then I think, I deserve better than scraps!!!! "

Amen sister!!!! That's what I kept telling myself. I didn't deserve to be treated like this. I've tried my best to be understanding, patient, open and honest, and well, what else can you do? I mean, it isn't my fault my bparents had a fling, got pregnant, and I was put up for adoption. It's not like I asked to be born. What I think my bjparents don't understand is that I don't have to continue in my relationships with them. I am doing so because I want this to work. I would like them to be a part of my life. They are taking all of this for granted. I am not going to die if I don't have a relationship with them or contact with them. Reunion is a gift. I just wish other people could see it like that.

They say we are put up for adoption out of love, but they don't see that we also search out of love, even if some say it is for information /curiosity...and here comes the dreaded generalization, but I feel very confident in saying "all" adoptees want to think they were placed out of love...I don't care who you are, or what you say.



"My bfather, has pretty much always been under the porch! I think he has had an especially hard time with my adoption ...but you know, it's been almost 5yrs since our reunion and we have definately not gotten closer.... I"m tired of this superficial relationship.... I have been pretty much at a loss with what to say to him anymore...we only talk every once in awhile on MSN and then the few token visits each year. I know this is better than nothing...but I deserve better than that don't I??? I once said to somone...if you don't like me for who I am..then maybe we shouldn't know each other."

I'm right there with you. My relationship with Bmom is all it will ever be, but I'm in this sort of limbo with Bdad. We aren't moving forward at all. There is nothing I can do about it. Superficial pretty much describes it.

"My bfather needs counselling...for sure,before he can really talk to me..... I get the "I"m sorry you feel that way" answer...for everything."

My Bdad needs counceling too, and for mmore than our reunion. I've all but begged him to get help. O.K...I've pretty muched begged him to get help. Ha, but until the old dog crawls out from under the porch, what are ya gonna do?


"MY bmom, well.....I'm just SO weary of hoping for a substantial relationship with her. I'm tired of taking a risk..then getting hurt. I"m pretty much at the end with her if she doesn't have something substantial to say after her prolonged silence. It really is a shame...her mom really would have loved my children.

tlee

No expectations...no disappointments. You are so right. It is such a shame. Reunion could be so beautiful for everyone if people would just get over, and past, themselves. It makes me sad, especially when they can't see how they hurt and deprive the people they proclaim to love.

You know, you can tease the old dog with scraps of food and bones to try and coax him out, but the only way he'll come out is if he wants to put the effort into coming out. Until he decides to get up and crawl out, all you can do is wait. There is really no sense worrying and getting worked up over a stubborn old dog, who may or may not get out from under the portch. That doesn't mean you stop hoping. There is no reason you can't go on about your daily business, leave the old dog laying, and feed him a scrapp when he pokes his head out. He still there, and who knows? He might just crawl out and need a scratch behind the ears someday.

I was afraid to let go. I knew it would be painful...grief is no fun at all. I had to grieve for what would not be, and what never was. It wasn't until after I started to really let myself grieve that I began to feel better. Check out a thread started by Jackie "reunion socialization". I have a post in there about my grief. I actually had to force it out at times. I hate pain...avoid it at all cost. I wouldn't advise avoiding it...it's going to come out eventually...one way or the other. The grief hit me like a brick.

Remember the song, "Looking for Love in All The Wrong Places"?...get the love you seek from those three precious babies and your sweetie. They are your core family and the core of all the love you need. When I finally accepted my reunions for what they were, I took a good look at my life with my husband. He has been my rock and I love him more now than ever for putting up with the craziness of reunion, for supporting me through, and for wanting to protect me. Seeing the love he, and others have for me, sort of makes up for the rest...doesn't make it less painful...but it's a nice place to land.

[shadow riderer]

Originally Posted by BrockBaby

tlee...glad that you are feeling a bit better this morning. I know the feeling of getting angry about "this was how your bparents are??" YES I DO!!! I want a do-over on a regular basis. I want a new bmom. But..that's not reality. I can't change who she is. I can't change how she is. I can only change the way I respond to her. I do get angry that I didn't get a "good" bmom...that mine is mean and nasty. Such is life.

My bfather isn't proactive at all. His relatives tell me that he doesn't feel he has the right to be. That he is respectful to me and the fact that my parents don't know...I haven't talked to him in over a year. I have never met him. He moved from Florida to Ohio and never told me. Before that he was telling me that he wanted to meet me, blah blah blah....so he moves to Ohio and never even tells me. His sister told me...months after the fact. (when I called her) Sometimes it would be nice for someone else to take the initiative!!!! I guess I'll take your mood from yesterday!!! LOL

I guess what we have to remember is that it is them that is missing out. I enjoy the fact that I can come here and people "get" me....

Brock has a good point. It is they who are missing out. I look at my life and then look at theirs, and well, I'd much rather be me, and living my life. lol Sheesh, not to be a snob, but except for this reunion stuff, my life is peaceful, fun, and I have a whole lot of people who love me....and act like it.

My Bmom's sister, my Baunt, whom I am very close too, told me not too long ago, refering to some issues in the family, we don't have to beg anyone to love us. She's exactly right. And, again, when I look at my life...I have to wonder...why they wouldn't be beating my door down to be a part of my life, because it's really a pretty fun and happy one.

If given a choice between being happy, and having peace of mind, or being miserable with chaos and tension all around, and living in fear of what others think or will do,I think I will choose happy and peace of mind, and let those who choose misery and fear stay under the porch.


Their choice and their loss....and it's a shame. My real hope is that they will see what it is like to be happy and have peace of mind by me living my life, and want that for themselves...and crawl out from under the porch because they want to...and really, I think that's all we can do.

O.K. I'm just rambling now. lol Tlee I'm glad you have come back. Hang in there. You know we are here for you.