[GoVikes]

Okay, so I'm coming out of my newbie shell a bit more with another pressing question. When I got the cursory background info. on my birthmom, I found out she "didn't know the father" and so according to the SW at LSS was raped. The SW called me up to tell me this before sending the requested paperwork in the mail.

So now I'm left to wonder, was my birthfather truly some creepy rapist roaming the town or was he some out of towner visiting for the summer, etc.

And I suppose since my birthmom didn't know the birthfather she REALLY wants to forget all about it. Well, at least, I can imagine she did/does.

Anyone out there in a similar situation? I can't be the only adoptee that was a result of rape.

ETA: As long as I'm at it, I have a few other questions as well.

1) Did birthparents who went through closed adoptions ever get to find out the sex of the child or see the child after birth? I'm not sure when U/S was being used to determine gender.

2) Have you ever experienced any callous remarks from adoptive family or others regarding your adopted status? Both of my adoptive grandmothers tried playing the adoption card at times, but my adoptive mother would have none of it. It's embarassing to be referred to as the "adopted granddaughter" when being introduced to others.

[vegaschristina]

Best of luck on your search and while I have no direct answers for you, it stuck me when you referred to being the "adopted granddaughter" because in my mom has 6 grandkids, and only 1 isn't adopted. Families come together in so many ways, and I hope that searching for your roots brings you peace.

[dlb003]

GoVikes - I am truly sorry. I cannot begin to imagine how devastating this news must be to you. Kudos to the individual at the agency that gave you a heads up. That was a very smart move to give you that info up front.

I cannot offer any sage advice on what you should do with regards to your b.mom - I am sure that there are others who have found themselves in the same and can help.

In answer to your 2Nd question - yes I used to get that all the time. "Oh...she's my adopted daughter, my adopted niece, ... or my fave is "Oh...no she doesn't look like the rest of the family because she's adopted (cuz the family is either Cherokee or Blackfoot Indian, I am blond, blue eyes and fair skinned). I think my family over used it - but I am not sure it was out of malice, because I had known for as long as I could remember and it didn't seem to bother me. Or maybe I was so used to it, I just let it slide.

[Tazer]

Originally Posted by GoVikes

Okay, so I'm coming out of my newbie shell a bit more with another pressing question. When I got the cursory background info. on my birthmom, I found out she "didn't know the father" and so according to the SW at LSS was raped. The SW called me up to tell me this before sending the requested paperwork in the mail.

So now I'm left to wonder, was my birthfather truly some creepy rapist roaming the town or was he some out of towner visiting for the summer, etc.

And I suppose since my birthmom didn't know the birthfather she REALLY wants to forget all about it. Well, at least, I can imagine she did/does.

Anyone out there in a similar situation? I can't be the only adoptee that was a result of rape.

ETA: As long as I'm at it, I have a few other questions as well.

1) Did birthparents who went through closed adoptions ever get to find out the sex of the child or see the child after birth? I'm not sure when U/S was being used to determine gender.

2) Have you ever experienced any callous remarks from adoptive family or others regarding your adopted status? Both of my adoptive grandmothers tried playing the adoption card at times, but my adoptive mother would have none of it. It's embarassing to be referred to as the "adopted granddaughter" when being introduced to others.

Hi and welcome Go Vikes...BTW: not only am I a B-mom but I'm also a Cowboys Fan...lol; see you at the playoffs this fall!

My daughter was placed at birth in a closed adoption AND she was the product of rape. My story is here somewhere and I invite you to read it when you have time.

I can not speak for your own B-mom but my daughters conception in no way affected my love for her nor did it make it possible for me to forget her. I wanted to forget what happened to me but I didn't and don't blame what happened on her. My rape is not something she will openly discuss, but I have given her the basic's. She is just very uncomfortable with this topic while after intense therapy I have come to grips with it. Not only did I know the sex of my child but I did everything "normal" new moms did while in the hospital except bring her home. I know this isn't always the case but it was for me. My experience was very warm and caring, once I made the hospital social worker aware of my plan for my baby they even made sure to order double things like baby pictures and the hospital certificate plus I was given a separate hospital ID band from her ankle and my parents were encouraged to come in and take polaroid pictures of the 2 of us together and of them with their new grand baby. I fed and cuddled with her for 5 days and dressed her in an outfit my mom bought before being released from the hospital.


My daughter Jessica and I have been reunited almost 3 years and while I can not speak on her A-family personally, from what she has shared and knowing that she was never told she was adopted her A-family made no difference in her. If anything she was given the "royal treatment" based on the fact that she is one of the "older" grandkids and the next child in line, a cousin, is about 6 years younger. I can't imagine a grandmother whether related by birth, marriage, foster, adoption or a combination of all of the above would act the way you described. My own family as well as my husbands family are very blended and that just isn't done with us. Not only do we have many adoptees but we have many races and it just isn't done. We are all just one big ole' happy >>>

I'm glad you're here and I look forward to reading more from you. Tracy

[wrgamom]

I am so sorry for what you have found out. I have to admit, it was one of my biggest fears of what I would find when I searched. I am very impressed that the social worker gave you a heads up before just sending it in the mail. Good for him/her!

As far as the "adopted granddaughter" comment, I got it ALL THE TIME! My aparents never did it, but my grandmother (my abrother and I are among 12 grandchildren) did it all the time and it has always bothered me. Then there was the "C doesn't look like anybody because she is adopted" comments. ARGH! It hurts just to think about it again!

The funny part is I am her favorite grandchild and everybody knows it. I am the only one who will have anything to do with her. But, yes, I was referred to that and "this is C, my adopted grandchild, that is why she is short". I am only 5'3" (if that) in a land of giants. (My female cousins are 5'11" or taller and my male cousins are much taller than that.)

[djvj]

i am the birthmother of a 23 year old. when i gave birth, i received extraordinary pressure from the agency NOT to name the father as everyone was afraid he would step forward to stop the adoption. yes, now i know this is very illegal, but at 17 i did not understand. i think this happens A LOT. just because it says something on your birth certificate does not mean it is true. adoption was a process shrouded in secrecy and all too often lies back in the "old days".

[Tazer]

DJVJ posted:
i am the birthmother of a 23 year old. when i gave birth, i received extraordinary pressure from the agency NOT to name the father as everyone was afraid he would step forward to stop the adoption. yes, now i know this is very illegal, but at 17 i did not understand. i think this happens A LOT. just because it says something on your birth certificate does not mean it is true. adoption was a process shrouded in secrecy and all too often lies back in the "old days".[/quote]


I captioned your post because my reunited daughter is almost 23 and like you I do not remember ever being questioned or having an in depth conversation about her bio-dad or anything related to her conception. I only remember being asked if there were any legal charges pending, if there were a danger of future violence from him and if I knew his race.

I was given the impression that even if I'd known who he (bio-dad) was or might be the agency did not wish to have him involved or even notified in any way. It was kind of a "don't ask don't tell" mentality. Not only that but none of the agency reports in her file even mention rape, they just say father unknown.

23 years ago fathers rights just didn't seem to matter with either the agency or the state; I'm glad that has changed. Tracy

[GoVikes]

I think there must have been something more definitive in her file that made them say or think that. I think I recall, according to the social worker, she specifically mentioned that the bio dad was a stranger to her.

But interestingly enough, my amom does not ever recall LSS telling them this. She distinctly got the impression from my bdad's described characteristics and age that he was like a football player at the school or something. Needless to say, my amom was really surprised when I told her this.

I'm not sure what to believe. I guess I'll never know unless I actually have the chance to ask my bmom at some point. Nonetheless, if she truly was raped, I hate the thought of even bothering to look for her. Seems like she'd want to put all that behind her and not have the product waltz back into her life.

[JustPeachy]

I know that for some bmoms, especially if they were in the closed era and terrified of other people's reactions (i.e. young and still living at home and afraid mom and dad will "kill them"), it was not unusual to say they were raped. For other bmoms, if they were unsure of who the father was, they may have said it was a rape so as not to have to disclose they were "loose" according to societies standards at that time. I'm not trying to dismiss those who were truly raped, but it is not all that unheard of, given the secrecy and shame of the closed era, to say you were.

I'm not saying that is the case with your mom, but it is a possibility. You really won't know for sure unless you have the opportunity to ask her. Also, often times, even thought it may not have been out-and-out rape, the girls/women were largely inexperienced and the boys/men often coercive. Date rape was not defined as such in those days, and there is a fine line between coersion and rape.

Another thing to consider, (and this may not be the case with you), is sometimes we look for reasons not to search based on our own fears rather than what the other person's reaction will really be.

I'm not sure what to believe. I guess I'll never know unless I actually have the chance to ask my bmom at some point. Nonetheless, if she truly was raped, I hate the thought of even bothering to look for her. Seems like she'd want to put all that behind her and not have the product waltz back into her life.

You could try to search and ask your mom, and if she really does want to put it all behind her, you will find that out. Perhaps you are more afraid of finding out that reality, but it could also go the other way and she would be thrilled to hear from you, whether or not you were the product of rape. At least you'd have some answers.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

Originally Posted by GoVikes

I think there must have been something more definitive in her file that made them say or think that. I think I recall, according to the social worker, she specifically mentioned that the bio dad was a stranger to her.

But interestingly enough, my amom does not ever recall LSS telling them this. She distinctly got the impression from my bdad's described characteristics and age that he was like a football player at the school or something. Needless to say, my amom was really surprised when I told her this.

I'm not sure what to believe. I guess I'll never know unless I actually have the chance to ask my bmom at some point. Nonetheless, if she truly was raped, I hate the thought of even bothering to look for her. Seems like she'd want to put all that behind her and not have the product waltz back into her life.

What the SW says may or may not be true. You b-mom may have lied to protect the father or you from the father, may have had a brief relationship/encounter with a man that she did not know but that was consentual, may have been raped, may have been pressured by others to say she didn't know the father, etc. Even if she was raped, don't necessarily assume that she would be traumatized by having contact with you. It may be that she chose adoption because she wasn't in a good position to be a single parent, because others pressured her to do so, or for fear that the father might harm you or her. I'm not trying to influence your decision one way or the other -- I guess I'm just trying to give you some things to think about.

My own maternal grandmother claimed that she did not know who my mother's father was (my mom isn't adopted, but was largely raised by her grandparents). There was a general concesus in the small town where she lived of who the father actually was, but my grandmother refused to ever name him, so no one can be sure.

[Monster]

Hello Govikes,

Well everyone has said it well it could have been many reasons why she said what she said.Im a birthmother of a child of rape and i will tell you from my point of view i love her very much and not one day passed i didnt..Understand the details of a rape can be hard finding out your pregnant is worse, But when you hold that little child in your arms all that pain and anger for the first time in a long time seems to fade away and there is joy.
Closed adoption may have been her only way out who knows but just like you im sure she has a void to, how was your life what you look like so on. All im trying to say is go for it if its what you feel..
And about the name calling i dont agree with it.

[shadow riderer]

The only thing my non ID info had correct about my bio father was his height and religion.

My Bio mother told me and everyone else different stories about what happened with bio dad. She told me it was a one night stand, in which, he got her drunk, took advantage of her, etc. It turns out that they had a romance of around a year, until he was discharged from the service and went back home (out of state). Most of what my Bio mother told me was not true, but I did not find out until I found my bio father and heard his side of the story. I had been reunited with Bmom for about 16 years before contacting my bio father. One of the reasons I waited so long to contact him, (I had the info to do so for several years), was because of what she had told me. I regret not contacting him sooner and finding out the truth.

Your situation may be very different, but you will not know until you find her and ask. My Bmom lied to protect herself from the shame of sowing a few wild oats at 19. You will have to decide for yourself what you want, but be prepared for whatever, good or bad, you may find. I wish you the best whatever you do.

p.S. My Bio mom had never told him he had a daughter. He was quite surprised to get my call and find out he had a 40 year old daughter.

[mygrl4meee]

Hello...I am a birth mom who told her parents she was raped. I don't have just one answer on why I said that. I had many reasons, also I didn't really plan it out. It just came out of my mouth. Best reason I got is fear.
I have guilt that this maybe the reason, I was pushed to choose adoption, but then again I was only 15 years old.
After I said the lie, I didn't know how to fix it. I had lost contact with my boyfriend, and couldn't even remember his last name. It was hard to say.
My birthdaughter will be 17 years old soon. I am sorry to say, that until recently, I never thought about what it would be like for her to think, she was a product of rape. I think it being a closed adoption, made it hard to see her past a baby.
I don't know if my family, passed on my lie to the aparents. I hope not. My parents haven't spoke to me about me having her, since the day after she was born. So I have never taken back my lie with them.
I don't have all good memories with her biofather, and if asked, I will for sure right my lie, but I will try my best to let her decide if she wants to meet him, without me bad mouthing him.
I hope I helped in a little way.

[AliceInWonderland]

I'm in a similar situation, except my bmom held on to me for a few years till she decided (and explained in a later letter) that she couldn't love me and didn't want the menory of what happend hanging around her anymore, so she adopted me out to my family. I've only recently found out about the rape, but as she has proven to be highly unstabe (and untruthful) I want some kind of confirmation.

[snuffie]

Just because there is no bdad named on your papers does not necessarily mean that your bmom was raped.
She could have wanted to protect your bdad.

My bmom was allowed to hold me and care for me when we were in the hospital and this was in the closed adoption era. I found that out (my bmom was deceased when I found out who she was) through my hospital records and from talking with another woman who had been at the same mother and baby home.

It is always hard to decide to search or not knowing that what we might find may not be something we had hoped for. But we will never know for sure unless we do search and hopefully find the truth.