[LisaMarie88]

Hi,

I have been a member here for awhile and just really have been too shy to post. But I have gone through alot in the last 3 months and it is getting hard to I guess not be able to relate. I really am just needing support through this whole thing.

I really would like to hear from birthmothers(and anyone else)about my fear. I am so afraid my birthmom will not accept me. I know we all suffer some sort of rejection being adoptees. My adoptive mom has stepped out of my life as well. Which has brought up so many emotions I can't even explain. Middle of June, I tried to commit suicide and that is when my adoptive fmaily took a backseat. None of my family knew that I was working alongside a therapist and doctor nor taking anti-depressants. I am an adult and didn't really think it mattered. Now they are saying that I should have said something and now I am not the 'perfect' child they always wanted they give up. I have been their model child since day 1 and one socially unacceptable thing has them walking away. As all of this is going on I am searching for my birthparents and now I feel like giving up. What is the point if all of this leads to them not wanting contact. It is silly thinking of this but I feel so alone now and it hurts.

Anyway sorry that was a stupid post....

[bmomto2_momto2]

LisaMarie

First your post is not stupid. I am a birthmother. My personal stance regarding the son I placed for adoption is that I would never reject him and that I will allow him to establish any (or no) relationship with me when he is ready. I have learned from reading on many different sites that not every birth parent feels this way. However I believe most of the birth parents that feel adverse to contact from their relinquished child are from a generation where this stance was drilled into them. If they were to truly examine their own feelings they would likely be more open to some level of contact. Unfortunately I think that all members of the triad face the fear of rejection somewhere along the journey.

I think that you need to be sure you are strong enough to face whatever awaits you when you find your birthfamily. Please continue therapy. Come here for support for your search issues as we all understand. You can take the search slowly as you work through your own issues. There is no real rush. I am so sorry that your adoptive family has not been there for you in your time of your need. I myself am a person who tried suicide, twice, as a teenager. I did finally get a therapist who was a good match with me and got the help I needed. If you ever need to talk about anything, adoption related or not, and don't wish to post on the board... feel free to PM me.

[belleinblue1978]

Your post isn't stupid, I'm sorry you are going through this.

I'm both adopted and firstmom. My son is young though, and the adoption is open, so not the same experience. I will tell you though that I searched, even though I was scared of rejection, found my firstmom, and guess what..... I got rejected. Probably not what yo want to hear, but tell you what, I'm here today, I survived, I took the time to find one of my older brothers, and we are working on a relationship.

Keep seeing your therapist. I'm really sorry about your adoptive family. They obviously don't know what they are missing out on.

[kune]

LisaMarie
You have been through some tough patches and thank-God you have survived. A suicide attempt is either a cry for help or a way to stop the world as you know it. PLEASE...PLEASE never be that consumed with what others have done to you or said to you.

I think it's time for you to think who LisaMarie really is. Are you always so hard on yourself that you can't see what are your own special gifts? Is the person you see on the outside as wonderful as who you are on the inside? Lisa.....make a personal plan.....one that identifies what you need to happen to make you feel complete. Work on one point at a time....take time..don't rush....and take it step by step. Before you know it you will achieve your first goal. And...you know...it's not dependant on how others perceive you.....it's all about how you feel in your head and your heart. Learn to love yourself and others will love you too.

ps.....as a birthmother of a bson who found me in his early 30's, I have to tell you that birthparents either choose to remain anonoymous because they haven't healed their own scars, or they will welcome you with open arms and love you for who you are. 50/50 You can't predict or even change the odds, but you can be secure in yourself that rejection is not about you. It's about birthmothers fronting up to their own insecurities. So do and move forward...some can't and stay "stuck" in their corner.

Good luck and hang around with happy people who lift your self esteem. Be proud of who you are and where you are going. Be a daughter to your adoptive parents as I'm sure they love you and mean well. Forgive them for what they have done because surely they wouldn't hurt unless they loved you as their own. Family is everything...and they are your family.

Ann

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

I am neither adopted nor a bmom, but your post brought back memories for me. When I was a teen I thought constantly of suicide and at one point even had a plan, though I thankfully never carried it out. I never told anyone in my family what I was going through because, like you, I was the "model child," and I knew that they wouldn't believe me when I told them there was something "wrong" with me (I have bipolar disorder). And sure enough, most of them did NOT accept my diagnosis. It wasn't until I had moved away and my mom found some of my old poetry about suicide that she finally realized how serious it was.

I was completed apalled when I read that your amom has "stepped out" of your life since your attempt. That is the absolute worst thing she could do when her child obviously needs support now more than ever. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and think that maybe she just doesn't know what to do or doesn't understand .... but still, most moms would naturally become MORE involved in their child's life -- even to the point of becoming annoying -- because they would be worried. If it is indeed the case that she doesn't want to be a part of your life anymore, PLEASE don't think that it's your fault. You are doing the best you know how to deal with what you are going through emotionally.

[dlb003]

Hi Lisa Marie ( I love that name btw!)

I am also a adoptee - and petrified of a rejection by my Bmom, if and when I speak to her. My amom is also non -existant. But hope keeps me searching, as well as the wonderful adoptess and birthparents I have met and spoke to over the last decade in my search.

You are not alone - and we are here to support you. We all have our stories, some more gut wrenching than others. It breaks my heart to hear my fellow adoptee in such pain and turmoil. I was once there.

You have been given great advice by the ladies above - so I will refrain.

Just know that this is only a moment in time - a very small moment in your life. Do not let it break you.

[mygrl4meee]

LisaMarie,

I am sorry that you are having such a rough time. I am a birth mom surfing the web, to see adoption though the eyes of others involved.

I am really hoping that when I meet my daughter,she won't be mad at me, for the choices, I have made in my life. All we all can do, is hope for the best, but accept it might not go the way we would love for it too go. Sorry I am not the best with words. Hang in there.

[LisaMarie88]

Wow, I am so amazed at the support here. I thank you all so much. It puts my mind at ease a little. I really am so thankful for all of you posting. I can't get over it.

As far as my adoptive family, pretty much everyone except the cousins I am living with have stepped out. I am not suprised really. I have been through an eating disorder, many therapists during my middle-high school years to deal with depression, possible ADHD, it has been really hard on my adoptive mom and I think she is just done. She hasn't tried to contact me in almost two months, she won't return phone calls or e-mails. She has blackmailed alot of my other family members as well. My adoptive mom is manic depressive so I do try not to take this personally. My therapist has been amazing and I am so glad to have found her.

I thank you all SOSO much!!!!

[Longtimewaiting]

Lisa,
As a bmom, what you are experiencing, is my greatest fear; my own first child, being "rejected" by her mother.

The support is definately here with this group. Just ask, and many will help. We come in all sizes, backgrounds, and experiences. But we all have one thing in common, we want to be reunited with our first child. I too have tried to commit suicide, but did not seek professional help. What kept me going was the belief that I would find my daughter, and let her know that I did not stop loving and thinking of her. Should she reject me, I think that I might be strong enough to go on.

Personally, I dont think that there is anything, that would make me reject my daughter. I may not like what she has done, but I would never, could never stop loving her. We all do stupid things in our lives, hopefully the only ones that we hurt are ourselves.

I understand what you have said about being that "model child". (I too felt that I had to be a perfect daughter, sister, wife, then mother.) After my first born, the pressure was choking me too death. Not only did I miss my child, but I then felt that I had to be "extra extra" perfect. I look back now and wonder if a breakdown was in the horizon. Somehow I kept going, but I have to admit life is not what I expected. I still miss my daughter, and before my mother passed she did tell me that the adoption was not the best thing for me.

We take one day at a time. I agree that this is the time for you to discover who you really are. Go to college, get a degree, and start your own life. If you are ready, start looking for your birthmom. Yes, the odds are 50/50. Either she will be ready to accept you, or she might need some time. And its ok for her to need some time, but thats a different post.


Cindy.

[kathigary]

I'm glad you took the risk and posted. You're worth it and these forums are an awfully good place to get support.

I'm a birthmom. We as birthmom also worry about rejection too . I always worried that my daughter would not want to have any contact at all. I went to a very smart therapist. She made me role play with her. I refused what she was asking. I was too embarrassed. She wanted me to be my daughter and she would be the birthmom. She asked my how I felt-what would I say. On the drive home, I started crying. I hated the birthmom for what she had done to me. That was shocking to me. It made me realize I hated myself for what I had done. I was not able to start forgiving myself until I had the first contact with her.

In adoption, we all grieve! Hang in there and be good to yourself.

[wishfulthinker]

I am an adoptee searching also. I think that it is important to ask yourself why you want to search. I really don't think it is a good idea to search in the hopes of a fairy tale ending or replacing something/someone that is missing in your life. I always expect the worst so I'm never disappointed - that's just how I am.

And you know that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Everyone goes through tough times at some point, but they will pass and things to get better. Life is a gift to be treasured and respected.

[shell50]

Hi, I am 51 years old and have been in contact with my bmom for 5 months now. I wasn't afraid of rejection but afraid of the unknown!! It has been great for me, my adoptive parents are both dead and I grew up with no siblings,now I have 3. They are fine,but we will never be really close,but contact each other by e-mail,they knew nothing about me so it could have been worse. Meeting my bmom was not as I expected,no rush of love just a feeling that grows as we get to know each other. She has not filled in the pieces that I thought were missing but I realise that is ok, I am just me. Be strong,you can do anything you want if you try and not succeeding is ok too.If I can hep letme know... I send you a hug from London

[keds]

LisaMarie, thanks for your post, it made me feel that I wasn't alone. We all have issues and with my friends here I am coming to terms with the impact adoption has had on my life. Whenever I find myself "out on the ledge" I always think of standing on the beach with the warm sand between my toes and the sun on my face and it brings me back. I don't need people to make me feel good about myself, they rarely do, but I have to make it happen. Find out what gives you joy and cultivate it.

If you feel you are emotionally ready for the search, go for it, if not, hold off. I am a bmom and waited 25 years for bson to call me (felt it was his place to do so). Even though I hoped and prayed I panicked but would never had said no to any request - and haven't. His bdad, hubby is another story and our marriage is suffering as a result. I'm not sure we will survive reunion but if that's what's in the cards so be it, our decision. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring but I sure want to know. If your bmom isn't ready to meet you it's because she doesn't know "you" but IMO has to deal with her past (at least I did).

You will find such great people here and sometimes it's easier to "talk" to strangers than to family. I know in my case they are much less judgmental. Take care of yourself and keep posting.

[JustPeachy]

LisaMarie, I'm sorry your afamily is not being supportive and has chosen to walk away in your time of need. That must really hurt.

I understand your fear of rejection, too, but as a bmom hoping for reunion with her son. I'm sure he has some of the same fears, which is why things haven't moved forward.

I cannot say how your bmom would feel, but when/if my son is ready, I have no intention of shutting the door on him!

I would encourage you to continue in your therapy. If you do choose to continue in your search, it will bring unique emotional issues to the forefront, no matter what, and you want to be in the best emotional health as you can be. Understand, too, that it's OK (and ideal) to move slowly in reunion, take all the time you need to process the emotions that come up, and take a step back when you need to.

You will find a lot of support here. I hope you continue to post here (your post was not stupid!!!).

[bprice215]

Your post is not stupid nor are you stupid. You are a human being that has certainly had a rough go of it. You are not alone but are supported by the great people here at adoption.com as you can see. It is what we do for people that makes us caring individuals. We do care about you so keep posting and let us know how life is going for your search has only begun. We would enjoy sharing in your search. Take care.
bprice215