[bumblebeeskies]

Does anyone else ever feel like they are expected to "shut up" and be a "good" adoptee? This has been on my mind a lot lately. I feel like society puts a lot of pressure on us.

This is what I have noticed: Even as tiny infants we were expected to bring happiness to our adoptive parents and be the cure for their years of infertility and longing for a baby. (a lot of responsibility to put on a child). I have read and have heard so many comments, making them out to be next to saintlihood. We are supposed to be happy with what we have, never feel any need to search or question anything and behave "as if born to." Afterall, they gave a "poor child" a home. If we do feel the need to search, we have to put the feelings of everyone else before our own. We aren't to hurt our aparents, even if inadvertently. If mom cries when we tell her that we want to search, do we just put in on the back burner?We have to watch out for our first parents, because we just might be a skeleton in their closet. Whatever contact we are granted, we should just be happy with. We are supposed to grateful to our first parents as well, because don't we know that she could have just had an abortion or left us in the gutter? (I have heard this so many times that it makes me want to puke) If our return brings first mom too much pain, we should do the right thing and back off. If kept siblings don't know about us, we are to never tell them. We have no right to disrupt their life or know our own brother or sister. And don't ever forget that everything is for the best or God's will and just be patient because, "they'll come around."

Really, when are we going to become important? When are our feelings going to matter? Will we ever have any choice in the matter? Why is our pain so often less important than anyone else's? I am tired of trying to be the "good" adoptee.

[Mommy24]

I am so sorry to hear that you feel like your feelings don't matter.

I would like to add though that as a First Mom it has always been about my son to me. He is the ONLY one that matters. He was the one I was thinking of 17 years ago, he is the one I am thinking of today. He gets to call the shots because he didn't get to then. If he chose tomorrow to cease all contact, as much as it would hurt, it is his call. I think we put to much pressure on children period. adopted or biological, children seem to have very big shoes to fill.

I think you matter, I think what you have to say and what you want is and always should be most important, but that is me and I can't tell you how others feel.

Good luck!

[dlb003]

Hi bumblebeeskies.

It is a fine line that we walk for sure.

These are man made rules and stem from lies, shame and secrets and seem to further extend into how we CONDUCT ourselves in this soceity now.

We are ugly secrets for so many families. The propaganda machine from adoption agencies perpetuated the notion that we should be grateful. That THEY in thier infinate wisdom and power have indeed provided wonderful homes for us and that the parents that gave us life were but mere "sinners" and should be shunned.

Our society bought it hook line and sinker. Our adoptive parents bought it ...in thier vulerable states of mind. Our b.parents bought it... in thier shame and gulit. The rest of the world bought it because it made them feel good. We have bought into it... because that is what everyone else thinks that we should do.

Now the rules have changed and we dont quite know how to play this game. How were we to know that you are so ashamed that you would not tell your spouse or your children about us. How were we to know that these feelings would erupt at some point in our lives...how were we to know.

They created this monster and did not think about the consequences of these actions. We do exsit and we are human.

In my search, I have for the most part, played by these rules. My afather has been very supportive as he was raised in a foster home and understands. My amom could care less...need I say more.

IMHO - You cannot as a functioning human being stiffle these urges and needs to find your way back home - or at least to get the information that will help you to feel safe and sturdy in your own skin. You have that right.

Having said that, I am walking a fine line myself with my b.mom. I think I have found her, but also do know know her circumsatnces and do not want to screw up a reunion before it even starts. I will deal with who knows and who does not know when the time comes. Is that out of respect - perhaps.

I hope you find your way....

[wishfulthinker]

You are totally entitled to feel however you feel about your situation. Having said that...remember that adoption is not all about adoptees, it effects the adoption triad and each person in that triad is also entitled to their feelings. Each person in each corner of the triad effected deserves respect from the others. I would not be too quick to judge someone by their actions and/or words because everyone reacts and deals with their emotions in their own way.

As an adoptee, I believe that we should be entitle to our own records at the age of 21. I really think it would be great if somehow we could all join forces and change the laws to unseal our records.

[bumblebeeskies]

Wishful,

I have respect for all sides. The point I was trying to make, is that adoptees seem to have no choice in adoption.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by bumblebeeskies

The point I was trying to make, is that adoptees seem to have no choice in adoption.

This is the truth. The rest of us made the choice (and I will qualify that by saying that there are some first moms who say it wasn't completely their choice due to circumstances or coercive influences and I believe them when they say that) to become a part of adoption. Those who were adopted did not make a choice. It grieves my heart to hear you say you feel like you need to "shut up" and be good as that should never be the case.

[vegaschristina]

Does anyone else ever feel like they are expected to "shut up" and be a "good" adoptee?

As an adoptive mom, I sincerely hope that I never put my children in this position.

Even as tiny infants we were expected to bring happiness to our adoptive parents and be the cure for their years of infertility and longing for a baby.

My children bring me happiness by their very existence. There is nothing they could "do" to make me more happy. My years of infertility are just that...mine. I believe that God had a plan for me, these children, and their birth mom, and that the plan was for us to come together to form a family. I know that had I not struggled with infertility, I would not have walked the path of a foster parent and would never have met my kids or their birth mom.

If we do feel the need to search, we have to put the feelings of everyone else before our own.

Right now we are in a semi-OA, pictures and letters, but it is my sincere hope that we can fully open the adoption, but that depends, at this point, on their birth mom and her situation. If we do lose contact, then when they feel the need to search, I will be their biggest cheerleader, support system, and, indeed, I havr identifying information to make the search that much easier.

Really, when are we going to become important? When are our feelings going to matter? Will we ever have any choice in the matter? Why is our pain so often less important than anyone else's?

For my kids, that time is right now. They are the most important part of our triad at this time because of their ages 2-5. As they get older, that might change, but my job as their adoptive mom is to mold and help them become the people they are meant to be. If I have to put aside my fears and pain to accomplish that, then I will.

I'm so sorry that you're in a position where you feel that you have to do this. I hope that someday soon, you'll find peace in your own triad and a better way to relate to your adoptive and first families.

[bumblebeeskies]

Does anyone else ever feel like they are expected to "shut up" and be a "good" adoptee?
As an adoptive mom, I sincerely hope that I never put my children in this position.

Honestly, it's not always adoptive parents who think this way about adoptees. It's society as a whole. My amom doesn't make me feel like I need to be anything. My comments were based on the crazy things that other people have told me.

[JustPeachy]

I think society is very uncomfortable with the subject of adoption, STILL. Oh, sure, everyone gives lip service to how wonderful it is to adopt, but being a bmom, I cannot even talk about my experience, without either uncomfortable silence or the chance of outright hostility being directed toward me. Probably for the same reasons, the adoptee is expected to just "shut up and deal with it, be grateful, don't have bad feelings, you are LUCKY you were adopted, etc." I think society feels if you share your feelings about being adopted, it's as though you are not appreciating your aparents, when that is not the case at all. The whole subject makes people uncomfortable and I'm not sure why. It's so strange, like people still want to pretend adoptees are "as if born to" their aparents, and bmoms are just shoved back into the closet of shame, while bdads don't even get so much as a passing thought. Then if the aparents do have a relationship with the bparents, people wonder why. A lot has changed in adoption over the years and yet the societal thinking seems not to have advanced one bit.

[lovemy2boys]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

A lot has changed in adoption over the years and yet the societal thinking seems not to have advanced one bit.

It's almost like swimming against the current, isn't it?

Sometimes it feels like my DH and I spend more time trying to undo adoption stereotypes than we do working on our own situations.

Bumblebee, thanks for taking time to post your feelings...it's reading feelings like yours (as hard as it may be) that help me work towards making sure my kids do have a voice in all of this.

[snuffie]

Bumblebee, I agree with you all of the way. Yes, I know that others in the triad have feelings etc. and we need to respect them. But it does seem that we are the "victims" in all of this. And the sad part is is that we are the ones who had no say whatsoever.

I've had friends act like they are happy for me and my reunion but then they'll say something like "Oh, is that still going on". Huh!? Like we are supposed to just once again "pretend" that we do not have a birth family out there somewhere. I almost asked them if their relationship with their sibs was still going on and they aren't even adopted!

I do respect bparents feelings and situations. But having said that, we are their children. Like it or not. Have major issues that need to be resolved or not. Again, we are the innocents. But sometimes we are made out to be the villians for searching and wanting and needing to find out something that is inherently ours.

I do so understand where you are coming from. I've heard the "oh, but you had such wonderful aparents." so many times. Yes, I was very blessed with wonderful parents. But that does not take away from the struggle inside. I think even those who do not want to search must at some point wonder if they are Irish or German or ...And our non-ID is not accurate sometimes.

I hope both you and I can find peace with all of this.

Snuffie

[belleinblue1978]

I've struggled with this my whole life. I've gotten better, but I lived my life until I was about 27 being in fear that my parents would suddenly decide they didn't love me anymore. Was this something they communicated to me knowingly? Certainly not, and I certainly never told them I was worried about this.

Then I got pregnant unexpectedly, and placed my son for adoption. Wow, talking about feeling like you have let the world down, mostly your child.

All of that perfection I had tried to attain, lost forever with that choice.

I struggle so much because everything I hear about adoption is how I should be so grateful. It comes at me from all directions. I wish I knew the answers on how to fix it, because I would really like it to stop.

[FAYE56]

I know exactly how you feel. I always wanted to know who my bparents were. As a child I would question my Mom and make her tell me my story as she knew it.
As I got older I realized my questions upset her. Around my 19th birthday she took all of my records and my brothers and threw them in the grill. I know she always felt threatened that bmom would try and claim me. So, I stopped asking.

After she died I asked my Dad if he remembered anything and of course he said he didn't. After I obtained my Non-ID I questioned him again since the story didn't add up to the one I was told. He told me that what they told me growing up was what they were told by the Catholic Charities (I wonder if they mixed the stories up between me and my brother). Again, I left it alone because I knew it upset him.

Fast forward....2006......I finally have a name........within 48 hours I know where to find her and my half siblings. Her reaction wasn't what I expected........I was a "Secret", as she never told her husband about me and they don't want their children to know about me (gee, I'm 52 and they're in their 40's) - but I've been the "good adoptee" and not contacted Her children.

I had to laugh when I told her I'd started looking for her 30 years ago - she tells me it wasn't "Gods Will" I love that term. I figure it must've been Gods Will that brought me to the Dr. early enough to catch my colon cancer so that surgery was sufficient and chemo and radiation weren't need. I think it must've been Gods Will when the Judge gave me her name and origins and I located her within 48 hours. But again, to not upset her because I didn't want to risk any possible relationship later I didn't reach out to my siblings and so far am still a "Secret" to them.

Well guess what, it's 2008, I'm really not a Secret anymore and I'm taking the next step and contacting my half-sister. She's a highly educated woman, it's 2008 not 1956. I hope she'll be receptive, but if not at least she'll know about the Cancer (oh yea, according to Bmom - there's no such thing as hereditary disease - it's all "Gods Will "

I tell you - this letter is actually harder to write then the one I wrote to Bmom

Wish me luck!

Faye

[tlee70]

I agree that adoptee's are truly the only part of the triad that did not have a choice. I agree that much of society thinks we are "broken" if we feel the slightest interest in finding our roots...yet most people take this for granted. Most people cannot imagine what it would be like to have no idea about their heritage (just ask someone sometime).

The book that I read recently has really helped to validate my feelings. It's called "primal wound". It makes so much sense out of jumbled emotions towards my adoption...my life. All adoptee's and members of the triad should read it.

[ga.nana]

Iam also an adoptee and a mother also a grandmother.I have known I was adopted since I was real small. I myself ever thought of giving up any of my children. I got pregnant when I was 16 and every one tried to get me to put my son up for adoption. But I didnt . I have 3 boys and 6 Grandkids. I am now 42 years old and still looking for my birthfamily. My adopted family understands that it isnt that im not going to have any thing to do with them if I find them but it is basic. You want to know who do I look like, does my sister look like me,do they have family. You know there is a reason why they did it, but do you really want to know? I just want to know who I was before who I am now. does that make any since to any one???
LeAnn