[BrandyHagz]

Well…I never thought I’d be writing this, but here I am.

My adoptive ‘parents’ are getting up there in age…(they are both in their mid/late seventies) and both are facing some fairly extensive medical issues.

I thought I’d been lucky to dodge this bullet when both brothers (my dad is remarried, so I have a step brother too) married and stayed local (I didn’t, I love over 1K miles away)…but I was wrong.

I am being asked – ironically – to take leave from work and go ‘back home’ (don’t even GET me started) and take care of my mother and now…my father as well.

I am close to my step mom – I am ok helping her…but now, both of my adoptive parents have fallen ill and, well, they ‘need’ me.

I have absolutely ZERO desire to go there and help them. I was not afforded a family relationship with them growing up, I don’t feel they have a right to ‘call in favors’ now.

My brother (their biological son) seems to think I owe them. I owe them nothing.

When speaking to my mother, who will be going into surgery next Wednesday, I asked her why my brother or his wife (or some nurses aide he’d pay for…they aren’t poor) couldn’t go over and take care of her? She said they were to ‘busy’ (HELLO!!! I Work…and I have a family…ya know, same as them!) and she hated to put them out…(Grrr are you kidding me?!).

Am I wrong here? These people did NOTHING for me…in fact, just when I thought I’ve gotten to the point that I am ok with forgiving them for the crap they put me through…they pull this ‘you owe us’ crap…and I just can’t deal.

I won’t be going…not to care for them. I am going to sit with my Smom in a week, to help her recover from surgery…but I am not going to disrupt my life, fly out of state and care for these people who only seem to be able to find my phone number when their golden child can’t be bothered to do something for them…(Seriously, my mother called me when I lived in ILLINOIS to fly down and come paint her living room…I’m not kidding!)

Grrr

Can anyone relate?

[stinky_kitty]

I can someone relate, because my adoptive father is going through the same thing with his dad. My grandfather was abusive towards my father in his childhood, never had much of a relationship with him in his adulthood and had a distant at best relationship with me when I was a child.

Now he is in a nursing home, he remarried shortly after my grandmother died in 1993 and his new wife said because my dad is the oldest child it is his responsibility to care for him. Although she is still married to him, she has put it upon my father to make all decisions and be responsible for dealing with any problems that arise at the nursing home.

My dad has really struggled with this because although they live within 45 minutes of the nursing home, he has never really had any type of relationship with his father and what he did have was not very "nice". He does it only out of a sense of obligation.

Have you told your family you won't be doing it?

[BrandyHagz]

Oh yes. They are very very unhappy with me.

I sent them a list of links to Medicare accepting assisted living facilities.

I am doing the best I can...someone HAS to look out for #1...it's never been them.

[stinky_kitty]

You know, personally I don't think you have done anything wrong. You reap what you sew, and maybe if things had been different for you in your childhood you would've been more than willing to help them in their old age.

Do you think they purposefully asked this of you even though you live the farthest away just to see what your reaction would be?

[specialk4b]

Oh Brandy, I'm so sorry. I can't relate, but I feel bad that they're dumping all this on you.

[RobinKay]

They owe you, Brandy, for the blessing of having a daughter. Your life was disrupted, you could not be raised by birthparents, you suffered a loss.

Your adoptive parents gained, gained, gained from that situation. They had the opportunity to have a daughter--there aren't words to describe how special and precious that is--I think any foster parent wanting to adopt their foster daughter would agree.

You are handling this beautifully. You are correct in your priority--your family, your children.

My father died at home while in hospice care-I was living in Hawaii--everyone was OK with what I could do long distance, even my mother. You are not being unreasonable.

[BrandyHagz]

I don't want anything from them...I really don't, but Robin, you're right...they could have gained...and while I don't feel I personally lost anything by being placed for adoption by my birth mother (we had an open adoption, which helped, I think) - I did lose something by them deciding that adoption wasn't their 'bag of tricks' - but refusing to allow me to be placed in another family...as young as 4 mos old (when they discovered and told the attorney they'd made a huge mistake).

Ah well...what doesn't kill you.

I have no idea if they did it just to see what I'd say...ya know, no...I don't think they did. I think they fully expect me to check out of my life for a month and come stay with them...(they don't live together...)

Ugh.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

I don't want anything from them...I really don't, but Robin, you're right...they could have gained...and while I don't feel I personally lost anything by being placed for adoption by my birth mother (we had an open adoption, which helped, I think) - I did lose something by them deciding that adoption wasn't their 'bag of tricks' - but refusing to allow me to be placed in another family...as young as 4 mos old (when they discovered and told the attorney they'd made a huge mistake).

Ah well...what doesn't kill you.

I have no idea if they did it just to see what I'd say...ya know, no...I don't think they did. I think they fully expect me to check out of my life for a month and come stay with them...(they don't live together...)

Ugh.

Again, I am so sorry about this for you.

Also, I want to share that you are an amazing resource for the folks who read/post on this site. Your wealth of experience, both positive and negative, allows you to see clearly in so many situations. Thanks for all you do-

[JustPeachy]

I can totally relate. And don't feel bad for setting boundaries around this. You don't owe them anything and you already have enough on your plate.

I can't stand being expected to do things for others who were never there for me. Oh, the guilt trips are laid on thick, but if I give in to outrageous demands, I only end up feeling resentful, and no matter what I do, it is never enough anyway. So....I don't do it.

[kakuehl]

Ah Brandy,
It seems like one thing after another, doesn't it? I have a friend who says, "I say to God, I can't take one more thing. God answers, "Sure you can, and here it is."

Suggest to your aparents that they might check out the local area on aging for names of people who assist people in their own homes.

Here's another thought: see if they can pay more than your current salary, plus a housekeeper for while you are gone. (Plus your travel expenses, of course)

Hang in there!

[dpen6]

Brandy,

conncet them to the local elder service people. If they can afford the help they elder services can refer them to what is needed. Really, do you have a medical backround? Do you know geriatrics? Tell them elder services would be of better help then you....

There is no harm in telling your brother precisely what you think either.

[jrainbow]

I certainly understand your rant. It is terrible being a part of the sandwich generation - squeezed from both sides. In your case, it might be an adoption issue, but my family experience and my friends has been that usually the girls in the family are the ones called upon to take care of parents - adopted or not. For older parents, the girls are the "care givers". My sister and I both shared the "duties" with my aparents - massive stroke for one and alz. for the other. My brother offered support in the form of "I'll support whatever you want to do". That seems to be the pattern in many families that I know.

I truly feel for you. You can only do what you can do and you have to take care of your family also. Giving up your life is not required of anyone.

Peace.

[BrandyHagz]

If they had been a 'family' I wouldn't have a problem...this specific issue (my unwillingness to care for them) is totally an adoption issue...I feel no obligation to take care of them, like they felt no obligation to take care of me!

[nilesgirl]

You know, I can relate...When my Amom had a heart attack and had to be flown from MI to Houston Tx to have heart surgery...I was expected by my Adad to drop everything and fly out immediately to be with my Mom (which I was happy & willing to do) but, my Abrother (also a golden child of sorts) told my Adad that his band had a gig and the "guys" were counting on him. My Adad told me not to "push" him...that he was "busy" and not to bother him. AHHHH!!! I thought to myself B S He's going too! What if it were the last time he ever saw his Mom alive. I pushed him...I made him fly out and inconvenience himself for once...Even if he was only there for moral support.

That was the last time he ever made the effort to help with our parents during illnesses and recovery from surgeries. Even though, at those times, he lived only 20 minutes from our parents. It was all on me to fly from AZ to MI to help them. He never even bothered to offer to help in any way while I was there with them. We both had a good childhood and life with them so he couldn't blame it on that. I think it had more to do with what jrainbow said about the girls being expected to be the care givers. My parents didn't want to upset my brother or put him out in any way but, when it came to me...they had not problem asking.

I have a friend with (I'm serious) 14 bio siblings (she's the oldest) and she is always the one elected to care for her mother when she's ill. The majority of them don't even bother to call let lone offer to help with their mother. There are more than a few of them that don't work or have kids at home....and they still don't offer any assistance to my friend. So it's not just an adoption issue...although your situation certainly seems adoption related.

I think that you are putting your priorities in the right order...while still honoring them by pointing out to them where qualified help is available to them conveniently. Also sounds like your abrother needs to suck it up a bit, grow a pair and step up to the plate. If he has kids...tell him that his children will be watching and learning what they should do with him when he gets old, sick and can no longer care for himself. See if that gets a rise out of him.

I feel your pain on this one...Best of Luck !

[snuffie]

I have been "there" too. My dad became very ill and at the same time my poor mother had Alzheimers. I tried to do everything but it came down to if I wasn't with them they wouldn't eat!
I finally had to make a heart-wrenching decision to move them to assisted living and even then I was called nearly everyday with major problems. I lost my own health after nearly 3 years because of the extreme stress.
My brother never called them on their birthdays, Christmas etc.or any other time for that matter and only called me once to find out how they were in all of that time. (He lived out of state.)

It is horrible but I agree it usually does fall on one person to be the caregiver. But please take care of yourself FIRST. I can't stress that enough.

Snuffie