[loveajax]

Brandy, I think it's a "sexist" thing as well. My dad has been really ill and even though my bros live as close to them as I do (we all live in the same metro area), my mother somehow feels I am the only one "responsible" for toting her around (she doesn't drive!), etc. It's just assumed that girls are the "natural" caretakers for their elderly parents.

Nobody is "owed" anything and you obviously have a life/family of your own to take care of. Don't be made to feel "guilty." Sorry!

[MixedBliss]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

...I have absolutely ZERO desire to go there and help them. I was not afforded a family relationship with them growing up, I don’t feel they have a right to ‘call in favors’ now...

Oh, Dear Brandy! I am so sorry that you're being put through that. You're right, you don't owe them and it's unfair and unrealistic of them to expect you to completely disrupt your whole life to care for them now.

I'm probably destined for the same thing with my amom. Only she dreads the idea of me having to take care of her about as much as I do!

Vent! Vent! Vent! We're here for you.

(And thank you for all those inspirational posts you given us, btw. I've really appreciated those)

[DianeS]

I think you have more company in this than you may realize. There's a popular bumper sticker around here that says:

"Be nice to your children - they will choose your nursing home!"

Hugs.

[EZ2Luv]

What a position to be in. When my Sweet momma became ill, I took control of things, but my adopted brother also did his share. As a daughter I think it is sort of "expected". I know there were certain things that my dad or brother could never have been able to do. For me it is a true labor of love which I would gladly do over again. Sadly, it came to a point where I was unable to provide my amom's needs, she hed to placed in a nursing home. Not a day goes by that abrother or myself don't visit her. My adad visits a few times a week but his age had alot to to with it.

For me though, it was MY decision to step up to the plate. Then again, I do live local, my job allows me flexability andI had a happy childhood.

I cannot imagine how it would be if things were demanded of me or if the relationship was strained. I think I would have to just guide them to the right resources and keep my distance.
What they are putting on you Brandy, is wrong and you have very right to not run to the rescue. Their son is local, let him take care of things.

I have a cousin that was an only child. She was spoiled brat all her life and did nothing for her parents when they were ill. They both died and she seems to be fine with her lack of helping them out while she lived right across the street form them.
I give you this example because this was a biodaughter who had every reason, and every resource to help her parents in their time of need. I think adoptees are sometimes made to feel like they "owe" their aparents when there are some bios that get away with not being expected to do anything.
I see this so much in visiting my mom, many bios just don't even bother to visit their parents.

The bottom line is whether adopted or bio, we do not owe our parents a thing. We should help because we want to help.
Every caregiver needs to take care of themselves first, then do only what they are capable of doing. Expecting an adult child just to uproot themselves and turn their life upside down to care for an aging parents is not taking care of yourself.

You need to set some clear boundries.

Good luck on this one it is a toughie.


EZ

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by DianeS

I think you have more company in this than you may realize. There's a popular bumper sticker around here that says:

"Be nice to your children - they will choose your nursing home!"

Hugs.

That reminds me, my darling children like to say to me, "You'd better have nursing home insurance, because we're not going to take care of you..." (I THINK they're joking; time will tell.) On the other hand, they can find us if they need something.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

That reminds me, my darling children like to say to me, "You'd better have nursing home insurance, because we're not going to take care of you..." (I THINK they're joking; time will tell.) On the other hand, they can find us if they need something.

Hey Kathy,

I have been told Im going in the SHED!!!!

[kakuehl]

Hey, at least you'll have a place to live!

[Jackiejdajda]

We put my dad in a nursing home when he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s and the Parkinson’s took over..
He was much better off in a nursing home than if he had of stayed with myself at my home or my sister at her home..
They were very good at caring for him in the nursing home.. I think he lived longer than he would have if we had of tried to keep him in our homes..

So IMO whether the parent is resented or not.. liked or not.. they are better off in a place where care is expert..
This when there are medical issues..

Its about how many times you visit..

Jackie

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

Hey, at least you'll have a place to live!

LOL...maybe Ill get scraps of food too!!!

[bumblebeeskies]

Brandy,

This past winter I was in similar situation. Due to $$ issues (on disability) I unfortunately, live with my amom. We don't get along well at all. Mostly, due to her abuse while I was a kid, I have mental health issues, which is why I'm on the disability. Anyhow, this past February she broke her ankle pretty bad and had to have surgery. I didn't attend the surgery, because sadly, I just didn't care so much. Afterward, everyone seemed to think that I would take care of her. The few things I did do for her, I felt such rage and knew that I couldn't do it. So, I basically moved out for two months. There was no way I could have stayed here and took care of her. She makes me sick. Anyhow, my point being, I can totally understand not wanting to take care of parents who felt no need to take care of you! I find myself doing too many things out of obligation. I hate it!

Jen

[EZ2Luv]

Bumble,

Wait, let me see if I got this right. You had some finanacial problems and was forced to move back to your amom's home. That what kids, do when they are in trouble, they tuurn to their partenst. Then while you are living in your amom's home, she has ankle surgery and obviously requires and needs your help, but you refuse or least have no desire to help her. How is it OK for you ro got to her for your own needs and benefit, but it is not OK for you to help her in her time of need? I really mean no disrespect in this post but, I would think no matter how strained a relationship might be, one hand washes another.
I understand,you resent having to help care for her, but you did got to her and move into her home. There is a very big difference that an adult adoptee being called to help sick and aging aparents who live on the other side of the country, where the adult adoptee is expected to just uproot and discombobilate their lives and the lives of their own family to care for aparents that they have issues with.
If your that resentful of helping amom, I would just move out and not expect the benefits of living in her home.
Your post just struck me, especuially afer reading about the expectations put upon adult adoptees being made to feel they "owe" their aparents. IMHO, if your choose to move back into aparent's home and reap the benefits of their help, yes I feel you DO in fact owe them your help in their time of need. No child owes their parents anything as far as upbringing and child care, but once a child becomes and adult, to go back and expect their help is a whole different story.
Parents on the same token do not owe their adult children either. I cannot imagine moving back to aparents home for whatever reason and not expecting to reciprocate and help them out.

Maybe I am different, but if my relationship with my aparenst was teht bad, I would never ever dream of going and moving into their home as an adult expecting them to help me.

You post saddens me, that you were placed in a position of having to move back to your amom's home and are feeling so resentful having to help her.



Jackie,
once again I agree with you. I would have my Sweet Momma home with me right now if I were able to provide the appropriate care she requires. I believe had I kept her home she would be alive right now. I know she is being cared for and I can enjoy my visist (daily) with her. She is happy, I am not so stressed and while she is recieving quality care I am able to care for myself.

EZ

[Sniffles]

Brandy,

I can understand what you are saying, however in my case my anger lies more with my brother than with my mom. I am 45 minutes away, yet my brother lives in the same house with her. While my dad was ill, he took off in daddy's truck and was hardly at the hospital, yet I drove up everyday I could to see him. After Daddy died, I was there helping Mom everyday, planning the funeral, making phone calls and still he tried to leave every chance he got.

Before my dad died, he set up both medical and legal power of attorneys. I was, at that time the secondary medical power of attorney after the spouse. Now that he is gone, I am Mom's medical power of attorney. I asked him why they chose me instead of my brother and he told me that they trusted me more than him. I think that is just sad, considering he is older than me and he should be mature enough to handle it.

As far as putting them in a nursing home, that was taken out of my hands. Daddy got sick and died so quick that the topic never came up. With mom she decided to prepay hers (I am not kidding) because she went through taking care of her mother and she did not want to put us through that.

If I were you I would not even give them the time of day because of the way you were treated. They have no right to expect you to uproot your family and move there. You have two brothers, let them take care of it.

[wishfulthinker]

I'm sure that everyone's experience with their aparents, or parents in general for that matter, is different. But after reading these posts, my heart is telling me I have to respond....I would give just about anything in the world to have just one more day, one more moment with my parents, good health or bad health. Yes, I was adopted and my parents both wnet through illness/injury when I took care of them the best I could (I'm an only child). Yes, it is difficult to care for a parent or parents who have health problems, but just keep in mind that we do not have our parents around forever. They should not be thought of as a burden or a bother, but instead with love and compassion and the knowledge that some day you might feel as I do - that you would give almost anything in the world for just one more day, one more moment.

[wishfulthinker]

I'm sure that everyone's experience with their aparents, or parents in general for that matter, is different. But after reading these posts, my heart is telling me I have to respond....I would give just about anything in the world to have just one more day, one more moment with my parents, good health or bad health. Yes, I was adopted and my parents both wnet through illness/injury when I took care of them the best I could (I'm an only child). Yes, it is difficult to care for a parent or parents who have health problems, but just keep in mind that we do not have our parents around forever. They should not be thought of as a burden or a bother, but instead with love and compassion and the knowledge that some day you might feel as I do - that you would give almost anything in the world for just one more day, one more moment.

[BrandyHagz]

I am glad you feel so strongly about your parents wishful, that isn't something I feel.

I am not interested in one more moment, nor am I interested in love and compassion.

I know that is hard for some people to understand...but I am not interested in going out of my way to care for two people who couldn't be bothered with raising me. If they weren't interested in being parents, why adopt?

The all important question...

Let the children they raised come help them...not me. They've made darn sure I am fully aware of my place in the family (there is no place for me) - but now that life has gone down hill for them...I'm needed.

I think not.