[Dex]

Hello and thank you for a place to be heard and to share. This forum provides a priceless service for members of the adoption triad, especially for me because I don't know of any support groups in my local area of south Florida.

My name is Charles, I am an adult adoptee, adopted at birth from The Gladney Center in Fort Worth, TX. I have had a difficult time coping and moving on with my life from as far back as I can remember.
I deal with low self esteem, abandonment issues, difficulty communicating , and depression on a daily basis.

Something woke up in me recently that made me want to start searching for my Bmom. It's become something of an obsession and I will not stop until I exhaust every possible avenue.


My reasons for wanting to find my Bmom are as follows:

-Medical information( I suffer physically and mentally)

-Tell her I am ok and that I understand why she put me up for adoption

-To know if she is ok

-I yearn to know my roots so deeply it hurts. I feel like I was dropped from the sky and the fact that my Aparents divorced when I was 5 didn't help. I never have felt a connection with my Aparents.

- I want to know if I have any siblings.
I always use to fantasize in public and wonder, "what if"

The list goes on but these are my main motives.

I have already received my Non-ID from Gladney. While it's something, it's not nearly enough.

Next, I registered in the Voluntary Registry and was told there was no match.

My most recent step was sending out the Direct Post Adoption Contract with the $350 fee

They asked me to start thinking about what I want to write in a letter should they find my Bmom. I have a pretty good idea of what I want to say but I would like some help as far as wording and tone, and maybe questions I haven't thought about.

As of today I'm not sure if I WANT to meet my Bmom. I feel like such a failure and don't want to burden or effect her negatively.
But I am doing this because it's my only option and I will do whatever it takes.

Thoughts, Advice, comments, and questions will be very appreciated

Who knows maybe someone on here knows something I don't and can help me in my search. But mainly this is to help me get through this DIFFICULT time.

The waiting game...

[Jackiejdajda]

Please don't worry about the effects you will have on your birthmom.. that is for her to sort..

And sort it she must..

Search for you.. and ask what you need or want to ask..

If there is no lasting relationship so be it.. the cards will fall as they will.. You were relinquished and you need answers that is the bottom line..
There are good people here and they can help if the going gets tough..

And I would tell your birthmom about your life in your contact letter.. maybe keep the negative things back till later.. Keep it simple as they say in twelve step program..

I can remember when I first looked for my bson and called Tallahassee to register and told the man that I worried that my son would not be okay.. he said to me.. Well if he is not okay you can maybe help him..


Jackie

[Dex]

Hi Jackiejdajda. Thanks for taking the time to reply
It's so helpful to a get a birthmothers perspective , thank you so much!!
That's exactly my thinking, to keep it simple and sweet in the first stages.
You're right on, I need to let the cards fall as they will. I just hope she is ok and to know in her heart that i will be fine. What scares me is what if she's not alive? Then what? I might never get the answers I seek. As far as I know my only other option is to physically go to the Tarrant county court house to try to have my birth certificate unsealed, and truthfully that bothers me. I do not like courts, I already have had two traumatic experiences in court and this would be a huge blow to be denied. I don't know what I could tell the judge to convince him. Hopefully I can get solid advice here if it comes to that.

I really appreciate your support through this.

[julie23]

hello charles...

i agree with everything jackie wrote... i'm a birthmother, too.

I am also an adoptive mother... and I am raising three bio daughters...

whew. that's a lot of mothering!

I just wanted to add that I am very impressed with your ability to articulate how adoption has affected your life... i think that takes alot of soul searching and insight...

i also appreciate your concern for your birthmothers feelings... although, i do agree with jackie... your birthmothers feelings are hers to sort... you need to take care of yourself.

I am curious if you have sought any counseling regarding your adoption issues? The baby we are adopting certainly isn't ready for counseling yet... but i envision utilizing adoption counselors her whole life... not to emphasize that she was adopted, but just to help her sort things... of course, I am praying that her birthparents are always a part of her life, too... and that might mean she has a lot to sort out as she goes along...

I tend to agree with the theory that the child who is adopted (even as a newborn) can suffer from attachment disorder... of course, some do not suffer, others only mildly, and yet, in others that first loss in their life can show up in severe attachment disorders...

Anyhow... i think counselors who specialize in adoption issues are quite valuable... and if you haven't found one, it might be a good idea... it might be someone who can support you through the ups and downs of a search.. followed by the extreme emotions of a reunion.

also... i always forget what we can post and cannot post... but there is an agency in texas that really helps reunite people. i will pm you the link. they actually have search angels who have access to the birth records ... if one of them can help you, you might just have the info you want in about 48 hours.

good luck,
j

[Dex]

Hello Julie23/Supermom,

that's so amazing to me how much love you have to give, a lot of mothering indeed!!

This is exactly why I signed up here, for the different viewpoints and information that I didn't know about.
Just WOW, this is so much more then I could have hoped for... You just made my day! I will follow that lead right away!

I too believe in the primal wound theory, it's the only explanation I can come up with as to why I struggle so much everyday. I have done a lot of soul searching and traveled many paths. Extensive counseling, general doctors, psychiatrist/anti-depressants, self help books, church, prayer groups, ect. I always seem to fall back into my old patterns eventually. I know what I need to do but struggle to take the necessary steps.

I connected with a private counselor/spiritual adviser that came highly recommended from a friend. Amazingly he saw something in me and started giving me free sessions. He even invited me to his retreat center to stay free of charge. I gladly took him up on the offer to stay for the summer. I ended up staying for a full year. I was completely sober for the first 8 months. I thought this would allow me to clear my head, be more energized, get over my fears, and begin living a life I can be happy with.

Sadly it never worked out, those deep psychological wounds came back to haunt me and I started to self sabotage myself with pot and negative/fearful thinking. It was an amazing experience but I didn't get the inner strength and clarity I was searching for.

I do believe a counselor/ adoption specialist will be beneficial to me. And no I have never seen an adoption specialist but I like the idea.Every therapist I have been to has never addressed the adoption issues at all, they just avoid it all together. I just need to find the right one, a special person that can get through to me and understands my thoughts and feelings.

If you or anyone else has any recommendations in the south Florida area that would be great.

Thank you so much.

[Dex]

Just a small update for anyone that cares:

After weeks of searching with no luck I found a local adult adoptee support group and a therapist that specializes in adoption.

I found the support group through the AAC website, it was the only one listed in florida.
The support group leader recommended the therapist which was the only one she knew of and she's been leading the support group for 16 years.

I know it won't be easy; I struggle every day, sometimes I just want to give up.
My hope is that I can find the strength inside to see this through and walk the path to recovery.

Thank you all who have tried to help me.

Dex

[dpen6]

Dex,

good luck in your counseling. It can be hard to sort it all out.

i am glad you updated us.

[Jackiejdajda]

Dex

You're right on, I need to let the cards fall as they will. I just hope she is ok and to know in her heart that i will be fine. What scares me is what if she's not alive? Then what? I might never get the answers I seek.

I had to tell my bson I do not know who his birthfather is.. I could have lied but I did not..
I stood in the truth..

You may never know what happened.. she may not be alive.. but oh but.. you are alive.. and your life is important..
You are important..

As far as I know my only other option is to physically go to the Tarrant county court house to try to have my birth certificate unsealed, and truthfully that bothers me. I do not like courts, I already have had two traumatic experiences in court and this would be a huge blow to be denied. I don't know what I could tell the judge to convince him. Hopefully I can get solid advice here if it comes to that.

The thing will go down as it is supposed to go down.. as what has really happened in her life and in your life.. and we are all so different..
Keep getting the help from the ones standing behind you..

Its all lessons..

You wrote in another post.

Sadly it never worked out, those deep psychological wounds came back to haunt me and I started to self sabotage myself with pot and negative/fearful thinking. It was an amazing experience but I didn't get the inner strength and clarity I was searching for.

After I gave my son up in 1965 I tuned in and dropped out in 1967.. got stoned for a long time working the twelve steps and learning about myself was my journey.. reunion is a very big part of it..as well

Jackie

[julie23]

The thing will go down as it is supposed to go down.. as what has really happened in her life and in your life.. and we are all so different..
Keep getting the help from the ones standing behind you..

sometimes you read my mind, jackie!

it is all about timing... and God's timing isn't always our own...

j

[Jackiejdajda]

And Julie we stay positive.. and we try and help where we can and we stay away from the negative as much as we can.. I smile..

Dex.. pot made me negative.. and it is still around me at times.. if I smoke it now.. I go to sleep and I don't like sleeping in the day..

Oh dear..

Now I've done it..

Jackie

[Dex]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

Dex



You may never know what happened.. she may not be alive.. but oh but.. you are alive.. and your life is important..
You are important..



The thing will go down as it is supposed to go down.. as what has really happened in her life and in your life.. and we are all so different..
Keep getting the help from the ones standing behind you..


After I gave my son up in 1965 I tuned in and dropped out in 1967.. got stoned for a long time working the twelve steps and learning about myself was my journey.. reunion is a very big part of it..as well

Jackie

Jackie, I feel incomplete without knowing where I came from, perhaps I could feel more complete with extensive therapy and as I learn more about myself. I feel like a stranger in my own body. Perhaps finding my birth parents will help me in that regard but I know that it isn't the solution to my problems...It's a lifelong journey. Speaking of Journey's, I am currently reading: Being Adopted-Lifelong Search for Self. It is an very insightful book. I'm finding it very helpful in my current situation. It's also fascinating to get a peek of the future and revisiting those memories of the past that are buried away. Take Care, Dex

[txrnr]

Hey Charles,

I wish I still had the link, but my hard drive crashed last month and I lost it, but there is a gentleman who has all the TX birthrecords online. He does charge, but it's minimal (a few bucks if I remember). When I started searching, a friend of mine was curious about her husband's adoption from Ft. Worth, and we paid,and looked. He has a few other states also. (we were able to find the info we were looking for) You may google TX Birth Index or records.

I wish I was more help.

[Dex]

Hey txrnr,

Bummer about the hard drive crashing, I would love to know the website if it indeed had my unamended birth certificate. I've done some pretty extensive searches on the birth indexes online. The problem is either they only list my name and no parents, my adoptive parents names, or they want to charge me before I even know what I'm paying for
Would gladly pay up if I knew my birthparents names were listed. That's all I need....
I don't know how much clearer I can be. The search is very frustrating especially because I don't have anything to take my mind off it such as work or friends. The books help but I get tired from reading for some reason, not just adoption books any books. The therapy and group meetings should help too.

Thanks,

Dex

Originally Posted by txrnr

Hey Charles,

I wish I still had the link, but my hard drive crashed last month and I lost it, but there is a gentleman who has all the TX birthrecords online. He does charge, but it's minimal (a few bucks if I remember). When I started searching, a friend of mine was curious about her husband's adoption from Ft. Worth, and we paid,and looked. He has a few other states also. (we were able to find the info we were looking for) You may google TX Birth Index or records.

I wish I was more help.

[mlassi]

dex I sent you a pm with the website.

[julie23]

Dex.. pot made me negative.. and it is still around me at times.. if I smoke it now.. I go to sleep and I don't like sleeping in the day..

Oh dear..

Now I've done it..

jackie... this has made me laugh ALL day... i only had time to read this morning, as we were off shopping for the whole day.... and now we are back late, and i am too tired to think.... but i can still laugh...

the visual image i have of you smoking pot NOW... just cracks me up...

lol

julie