[Jackiejdajda]

Dex this is wonderful news.. wonderful wonderful news.. I am happy for you..

I would like the birthmothers on here advice on what I should say or what they would want to hear in her position. Reunited adoptees too, I would like to hear from you if you have anything to add.

Are you going to send this letter to the agency and then the agency is going to pass it on?

I don’t understand..

What I wanted to know from my bson was how his life went.. school.. friends.. life..

You got us to help you Dex.. and if you can get other help get it.. try and stay out of the negative thinking.. it does not help..
It did not help me..

Jackie

[MarlaWeis]

I just joined this group today b/c i've just begun the hunt, I guess.
I recently hired a company who specializes in these searches. They were VERY expensive but i'm desperate. I read your post and sympathized with you tremendously. I feel the frustration and the worry about the what if's and the how to's. Not knowing if they're alive or not knowing is they want nothing to do with you. The one thing, oddly enough, that I worry most about is actually finding her. It seems that as long as you still don't know, you don't REALLY have to deal with it.
I spent a lot of time on the phone with the courts and the hospitol where I was born and from what I know, you do need a court petition to open the closed adoption files and that usually required some type of medical reason to acquire the medical records.
Also, HIPA law states that you CANNOT access medical records without the person's consent, so you'd have to actually locate and contact your birthmom to get the records.
Sorry that I'm babbling here, I just never knew of someone that was going threw the same thing that I am and for the first time in my life, I feel like i'm not alone. Thank you, and good luck with your search.

[Dex]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

Dex this is wonderful news.. wonderful wonderful news.. I am happy for you..

Hi Jackie Thanks!

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

you going to send this letter to the agency and then the agency is going to pass it on?

Yes, no direct contact until she registers through Gladney.

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

I wanted to know from my bson was how his life went.. school.. friends.. life..

You got us to help you Dex.. and if you can get other help get it.. try and stay out of the negative thinking.. it does not help..
It did not help me..

Jackie

Ya I know it doesnt help; it's just easier said then done; I'm working on it.

Originally Posted by MarlaWeis

I just joined this group today b/c i've just begun the hunt, I guess.
I recently hired a company who specializes in these searches. They were VERY expensive but i'm desperate. I read your post and sympathized with you tremendously. I feel the frustration and the worry about the what if's and the how to's. Not knowing if they're alive or not knowing is they want nothing to do with you. The one thing, oddly enough, that I worry most about is actually finding her. It seems that as long as you still don't know, you don't REALLY have to deal with it.
I spent a lot of time on the phone with the courts and the hospitol where I was born and from what I know, you do need a court petition to open the closed adoption files and that usually required some type of medical reason to acquire the medical records.
Also, HIPA law states that you CANNOT access medical records without the person's consent, so you'd have to actually locate and contact your birthmom to get the records.
Sorry that I'm babbling here, I just never knew of someone that was going threw the same thing that I am and for the first time in my life, I feel like i'm not alone. Thank you, and good luck with your search.

Hey Marla, glad you decided to join. The members here are very nice and helpful, and many have already gone through what we are going through now.
I suggest if you haven't already, to do some reading on adoption. A couple of my favorites are: Journey of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton and Being Adopted- The Lifelong Search for Self.

I know what you mean when you say you feel alone. Unless you have been adopted yourself you can't really understand what we go through. I found a local support group and it was an awesome experience.

Thank you and I wish you the best in your search. For me it wasn't something I could ignore; I feel like I have to know my genetic identity.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

Dex

[nilesgirl]

[quote=Dex]Hello and good day to you all.

Going to the adoption triad support group was a great experience for me. The value of talking to people who know and understand what you are truly feeling cannot be described. It was the first time in my life that I could talk openly about my experience in public without fear of alienating or pushing away the listener.
Very cool, even healing in a sense.

My birthmother responded to the letter!!
Says she's overwhelmed by the letter and very emotional

She's happy I'm alive and doing well

nothing medical to report,
She's married with two kids 17 and 20.

Her husband knows, the children do not. She's afraid they wont understand.

She's very healthy and active; plays tennis and runs. Says there is no cancer in the family and even said there is which I thought was strange...NO medical?



to the letter but it might take some time because she's so overwhelmed by this.

My adoptive mother is helping me write the letter, shes been so supportive of me

Im going to take my sweet time writing this as I know how crucial this first letter is.

I would like the birthmothers on here advice on what I sho
She wants to take her time in this process. She is not sure if she wants to register(which is the only way I can get identifying information as Gladney acting as the intermediary).


She does want for me to send the letter though!!!! Which is the biggest thing for me at this stage of the game. At least shes open to that.

Her main question is " why did you chose now to search". LOL is there ever a perfect time for this?? Maybe she would rather have it after the kids are in college.

She says she will respond uld say or what they would want to hear in her position. Reunited adoptees too, I would like to hear from you if you have anything to add.

Another milestone in my search, my mood has lifted considerably.

Bless you all,

Dex[/quote Dex, She may be afraid to register until you send your letter to her and put her mind at ease as to your motives for getting in touch with her. She may want to hear from you that your motives are pure and that you hold no animosity towards her. She may also want to know about your timing... to find out why you waited until the age you are to contact her and what motivated you make contact now. It may worry her that you may only want to contact her for medical information... and then you will disappear from her life again. That might be why she doesn't get specific about the medical history.

Since her children do not know about you...I'm guessing she needs to protect them from the "unknown" until she feels comfortable that you are not angry with her and that you have reconciled her reasons for having relinquished you for adoption. At 17 and 20 years old they are old enough to handle this information...but if they are mature enough is sometimes another story If her relationship is strong with them...and they are mature enough to handle it...they should be told. There are too many secrets and lies (IMO) entangled in adoption. You exist!! and you desrve to have your existance validated.

You are right...it is an important letter and she will probably read it over and over again. I have heard many bmoms say that they reread the letters they get from their relinquished children MANY times. I would suggest that you don't let too much time pass...she's probably on pins and needles waiting for your response.

It's so nice that your amom is so accomodating in helping you with your letter... Maybe the bmom's on this forum could tell you if they would want to know that your amom was open to this relationship. If you haven't already...let her know how wonderful it is of her to have such a great attitude about all this and that you appriciate her help, love and understanding. Not all aparents are as empathetic with their attitudes towards search ad reunion.

It could help her...just as it helped you...if she could attend a triad support group meeting in her area...if one exists there. I would let her know how great it's been for you and suggest that she might find it helpful to sort out all the emotions and feelings of being overwhelmed. No one can understand this journey like someone who's "been there"

I'm so happy to hear that your mood has lifted!! Be prepared though...this can be an emotional rollercoaster.

Good luck with your letter my friend. Keep us in the loop.

[MarlaWeis]

Originally Posted by Dex

Hi Jackie Thanks!





Yes, no direct contact until she registers through Gladney.





Ya I know it doesnt help; it's just easier said then done; I'm working on it.



Hey Marla, glad you decided to join. The members here are very nice and helpful, and many have already gone through what we are going through now.
I suggest if you haven't already, to do some reading on adoption. A couple of my favorites are: Journey of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton and Being Adopted- The Lifelong Search for Self.

I know what you mean when you say you feel alone. Unless you have been adopted yourself you can't really understand what we go through. I found a local support group and it was an awesome experience.

Thank you and I wish you the best in your search. For me it wasn't something I could ignore; I feel like I have to know my genetic identity.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

Dex

I really appreciate that, Thanks a bunch. I guess I didn't read far enough into the "thread" but im happy to hear that your Bmom has been found. I hope that you get what you wish out of that and please keep me posted.

[Dickons]

Hi Dex,

Very glad you have made contact with your mother and from what it sounds like, she is willing to explore the possibilities. You cannot ask for more. I am so very pleased for you.

Keep us updated and include pictures in the letter.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[Jackiejdajda]

Dex

Ya I know it doesnt help; it's just easier said then done; I'm working on it.

If you get all negative get on here and type type type..

And what I would do was just catch myself and say to myself.. Stop it.. just stop it..


Jackie

[Dex]

Nilesgirl, you have such a great way with words, you seem to always know the right things to say. No doubt you've been there before.

It made me feel good when you said shes on pins and needles waiting for the letter, you're probably right.
I will do my best to send it out next week!

I plan on going to the next triad meeting with my Amother.

I am doing my best to prepare myself for the reunion stage, it's very complicated and emotional from what I've heard and without the advice of the members of this forum, books, and the support group I would be walking blind. Thank God for you all.

Honestly, without everyones help I don't know if I would have the strength, courage and knowledge needed to go through with the search and reunion.



Blessings,

Dex

Originally Posted by nilesgirl

Dex, She may be afraid to register until you send your letter to her and put her mind at ease as to your motives for getting in touch with her. She may want to hear from you that your motives are pure and that you hold no animosity towards her. She may also want to know about your timing... to find out why you waited until the age you are to contact her and what motivated you make contact now. It may worry her that you may only want to contact her for medical information... and then you will disappear from her life again. That might be why she doesn't get specific about the medical history.

Since her children do not know about you...I'm guessing she needs to protect them from the "unknown" until she feels comfortable that you are not angry with her and that you have reconciled her reasons for having relinquished you for adoption. At 17 and 20 years old they are old enough to handle this information...but if they are mature enough is sometimes another story If her relationship is strong with them...and they are mature enough to handle it...they should be told. There are too many secrets and lies (IMO) entangled in adoption. You exist!! and you desrve to have your existance validated.

You are right...it is an important letter and she will probably read it over and over again. I have heard many bmoms say that they reread the letters they get from their relinquished children MANY times. I would suggest that you don't let too much time pass...she's probably on pins and needles waiting for your response.

It's so nice that your amom is so accomodating in helping you with your letter... Maybe the bmom's on this forum could tell you if they would want to know that your amom was open to this relationship. If you haven't already...let her know how wonderful it is of her to have such a great attitude about all this and that you appriciate her help, love and understanding. Not all aparents are as empathetic with their attitudes towards search ad reunion.

It could help her...just as it helped you...if she could attend a triad support group meeting in her area...if one exists there. I would let her know how great it's been for you and suggest that she might find it helpful to sort out all the emotions and feelings of being overwhelmed. No one can understand this journey like someone who's "been there"

I'm so happy to hear that your mood has lifted!! Be prepared though...this can be an emotional rollercoaster.

Good luck with your letter my friend. Keep us in the loop.

[Dex]

Hello friends, it's time for another update on my situations.

One of the members of this forum told me about this group that teaches a form of self-help cognitive therapy. This was life changing for me; I'm doing better then ever.

Last week, my adoptive mother and sister joined me at the triad support group. It was healing for all us; brought us closer together. My sister is more open to the idea of reunion now too.

Finished reading two more books: Second Choice(The story of a black-market male adoptee) and Twice Born(The memoirs of Betty Jean Lifton). I thought both were great and helpful. Twice born was especially poignant; she's just an amazing writer.

Currently reading: Adoption Healing by Joe Sol. I like the inner child work and the mantras very much. It's a great feeling to be able to heal yourself.

The Letter:

I finished it-with the help of the triad support group leader. Went to her house with my rough draft and spent the next three hours crafting into exactly what I wanted to say.

I'm very happy with the final result. We printed it on this cool light pink paper with butterflies and roses on it. Sent it to the agency and they forwarded to my birthmom on the 14th of this month-still waiting on her response.

In summary I am doing extremely well and I plan to continue to update you with my progress.

Dex

[Dickons]

Hi Dex,

Love your last post...bold, color, proud...positive and at peace. You have grown so much in such a short time, you seem to be comfortable with your soul now.

Cheers!
Dickons

[Jackiejdajda]

I am saying a prayer that you get a response..


Jackie