[FAYE56]

Well, Thursday's my birthday - it's been over 18months since I located bmom and 18 months since I spoke with her. Ohhhhhhhh what a feeling when I saw her phone # on the caller ID - the elation was undescribable(is that a word?) by the end of the call I felt like my heart had been ripped out - she started out so sweet and sounded like she cared about how my life had been - but in the end she didn't want any contact whatsoever.

I took advice I got here and read "the girls that went away", I've been in contact with 2 great-aunts according to the one bmom's husband apparently wasn't aware of my existence. I understand that times were different in 1956. My parents were 10-15 years older than the average set of parents back then, so I grew up with a 30-40's upbrining. Anyway, times have changed drastically in the past 52 years. I was raised in NJ are we really that different from TX?

I tried reaching out in Dec 06 with a letter and a preaddressed postcard for the name of my bfather - nothing. I sent her a crystal forget-me-not for my birthday 2007 - they sent it back. I did send a Christmas card in 2007 (it didn't come back).

I sent another letter last week to both bmom and her husband reminding them that life is short. My Mom died in 1986, my Dad in 2005 as well as one of my bestfriends and my brother died last year. A friends son was killed in April (he was only 17) - that it when I starting thinking I should try again.

Bmom has 3 other children. My half-sister I can reach out to on the web at any time. I'm sure if I reach out to her though, there will never be any hope for a relationship with bmom.

I'm at a total loss as far as what to do - my husband's very supportive (he came to court with me and took me to Roswell, NM where I was conceived) but he doesn't trully understand. My bestfriend is extremely supportive and she gets it - she's just waiting for me to say go for it so she can contact bfamily. Everyone else - they don't get it - even my own children don't understand.

I can't give up hope, that much I know. I'ts not right for her to withhold my bfather information. I'm even more curious about him now than before - she wouldn't give me any info on him and when I spoke with her brother he sounded so welcoming and then poof ----- no contact, no responses, nothing- I have one e-mail where he stated he had a picture that "would blow my hair back" - so now I wonder, does he know who my father is? If so what makes this man so special that no one will tell me who he is?

Totally Lost

there was a little girl who had a little curl
but where did it come from?
auburn hair with blue/ green eyes
but where did they come from?
daughter, sister, wife & mother
but where did she come from?
laughs by day, cries by night
but where did she come from?
who am I?

[snuffie]

Aw, I can so relate. I found my bmom years ago and she refused contact with me. I found out later the reasons why but by then it was too late. She had passed away. I am reunited with my siblings though and it is so wonderful.
It is so frustrating not knowing who my bdad is too. I have a pretty good idea but I've come to the realization that there is no way to find out for sure. I guess we have to come to terms with the fact that we may never know.
Can you contact the brother once again and ask for a copy of the photo?
Your bmom may be dealing with more than you know - a husband who doesn't understand, fears and so much more. She loves you but is afraid to have her life turned upside down. With time, she may see that we are not "scary" only real live people who just want with all of our hearts to get to know our bmom and family.

Hugs

Snuffie

[nilesgirl]

Oh Faye, how frustrating for you. I was lucky I guess...My bmom told the C.I. that contacted her, right away, who my bfather was. Had she not done that...I might have never known since his name wasn't on my OBC or anywhere in my file. Then through my own research I was able to find 2 half brothers and a half sister. Then, through her, I was able to get a lot of really valuable medical information from bfather's side along with my ethnicity.

When you had her on the phone or when you've written to her...Have you told her that you'd at least like to know who your bdad is so that you can know something about your medical history? Maybe if you if you let her know that you respect her right to privacy and that she doesn't want contact...but, that you would hope that she would respect your right to know your medical history and possibly your ethnic background by knowing who it was that contributed half of your DNA. Let her know that you understand that revealing this information to you may bring up painful memories for her but, that your only intent with this information is purely for your own information and not in any way to disrupt her life or intrude. If you can't get this information directly from her...maybe one of your 2 great baunts, bmom's brother, or as a last resort..your half sister, would be willing to get this information for you. Appealing to their sense of "doing the right thing for you" by revealing your bfather for very valuable and personal information.. may be what it takes. After all...don't you deserve to know what most non-adopted people know about themselves??? In my opinion it would be worth a try...after all...if you don't ask...you won't know anything more than you do now.

If none of the above works...I don't think I would even hesistate to to try to have a relationship with my half siblings. One of the relationships that is the most valuable to me, since all of my searching took place, is the relationship with my half sister. What you said about life being short is sooo true. Don't throw out the chance to have a relationship with your sister...your bmom may never change her mind. Tomorrow is promised to nobody.

I wish you the very BEST of luck with all of this.

[bprice215]

This is all about you and what you want so dang the tordedo's full speed ahead. If I were you I'd make any contact, call any number, ring every bell at my disposal. You hit the nail on the head when you said life was short so act like it. Get with the program, seek and you shall find. Best of luck to you.
bprice215

[FAYE56]

Thanks everyone.

Snuffie, I've tried all different ways to contact my Uncle but he doesn't return calls or e-mails. I've e-mailed him through Classmates so I know he's reading them but he's just not responding - I can't push him too much - he's a Justice of the Peace in Texas..

Nilesgirl, I tried with bmom to get medical information but according to her there is such thing - medical problems are not genetic, their Gods Will. As far as my Great Aunts go - I know the women in the Family live long. Other than that not much. Also, I'm a half of a half so to speak. My Grandmother and her siblings are

Bprice215, I've been seeking. If my bmom ever knew that I've posted just about everywhere looking for bfather. I've posted on Classmates at the New Mexico Military Institute looking for anyone who may have known her. My husband and I went through about 4 months of Wedding/Engagement announcements when we were in Roswell looking for short engagements/quick weddings. My non-id stated that by the time bmom knew she was pregnant that the father was already married to someone else - I copied down about 12-15 names and proceeded to search for addresses and sent out letters asking if they knew bmom and could they be my father. I actually got a few phone calls as well as letters returned from about 3/4's of them. I even got a phone call from someone who worked at the phone co. where she worked - still nothing.

I haven't given up, and I'm working up to contacting bsister.

I really appreciate the input and support -

just feeling on the down side right now

[dpen6]

Hi Faye,

I am a year younger then you(wow.Iam actually younger then someone!) and understand the timeswe were born into. It must be tough to have to deal with your bmom not wanting any contact. I do think it might be something that you may just have to accept for now. For whatever reason she is unable to connect with you, and really most people have no idea how that must feel as an adoptee. It must bring up feelings that you had no idea you had to begin with.

I am wondering if maybe you wrote one last letter and askd for any information about you....medical, heritage, family things....and of course bfather name. If in fact she refuses you that then I really beleive that she is only thinking of herself. I totally understand how she may not be able to deal with contact and I do beleive that is her right. I don't think its a good idea to keep pushing, that may be crossing boundries. But I also beleive the information that she can provide is our right. And it really stinks when it is withheld because of her inability to just sit down and write it out for you.

Good luck

Donna

[nilesgirl]

Nilesgirl, I tried with bmom to get medical information but according to her there is such thing - medical problems are not genetic, their Gods Will. As far as my Great Aunts go - I know the women in the Family live long. Other than that not much. Also, I'm a half of a half so to speak. My Grandmother and her siblings are

Well Faye, this is certainly a conundrum Do you think the Great Aunts KNOW who your bfather is? Do you think that your bmom has told them not to tell you who he is? Does your bmom know they have been in contact with you? Do you think that the Great Aunts would sort of secretly find out for you who he is and pass that information on to you? Maybe....if you reach out to your half sister...she could sort of figure out a way to find out for you. Relationships between siblings don't have the "baggage" that a bdaughter/bmom relationship has. She may be thrilled to know you and help you pull this shroud of secrecy down. It may be as intriguing to her as it is to you. Just some thoughts... I'm also glad to know now (according to your bmom) that I can lay on the couch and eat junk food for the rest of my life since God's will is all I have to fear. LOL

[FAYE56]

I'll tell you the really scary thing in her way of thinking is,

The Judge gave me her name and origin because I had been operated on for Colon Cancer earlier that year. I skipped Chemo and Radiation only because I went for my "50 Year-Old Celebration"(colonoscopy) 6 months early (only because my Dr. suggested it since I was having my annual physical). According to the Surgeon if I had waited 6 months for my 50th birthday I would've needed the Chemo and Radiation.

Now, that growth had been growing in me for 5yrs or more. Kaylene is 5 years younger than me and her brothers are 7 and 9 yrs younger - my children need to go for their 1st colonoscopy at 35yrs old. My siblings should be going at least at 45.

If she told me who my bfather is I might be able to find out if this is hereditary on his side? Now the women live long on her side but her father committed suicide when she was about 3 and her grandfather died before her mother was born.

I'm having a real hard time with this "gods will" thing.


Nilesgirl: thanks - you last line really made me smile and laugh! It's a nice way to start the day

[snuffie]

I can imagine you really are having a hard time with all of this. I nearly died last November from a heart problem that cropped up "out of the blue". And I've had some other major problems too. From my bsiblings I know that some of this is from my mother's side. But my bdad's side remains a mystery and I'm left wondering what else is lurking.

Hmm, Niles Girl. I'm with you! Junk food here I come!

[mlassi]

Faye have you tried getting the death certificates for the family members you have names for? You mentioned TX. In TX they are available to the public after 25 years.

[FAYE56]

Mlassi

Unfortunately, my Bmom and Uncle are in Texas.

Grandmother and other Great-Aunts and Uncles are in Roswell, NM and it seems that NM information is limited.

thanks for the idea though.

[lilolil]

Hi Faye
I hope you aren't too down. You shouldn't beat yourself up. I too am searching for my birthfather and I know exactly how u feel. Please don't torment yourself any more than you have.

You can only control your actions and no one elses... so if u see fit, contact her again and again and knock on he door. Do whats right for you and no one else. If u want to leave it, do so. You can't control how she'll react unfortunately and she's crazy to not want to get to know you. You have your own life and family and as hard as it is not knowing ur medical records (I know) they don't create who u are.

You are who you are because of your personality, not the way you look, not where you were conceived. I hope you can find happiness
All the best

Lindsay xx

[mlassi]

Faye my bdad graduated from HS in Roswell. What a coincidence. I subcribe to ancestry.com so if you think any info there may help send me a pm.

[mlassi]

Faye my bdad graduated from HS in Roswell. What a coincidence. I subcribe to ancestry.com so if you think any info there may help send me a pm.

[mlassi]

I have no idea how so many got entered ack sorry! I did only click once!