[winter444]

I ended all contact with my bmom a few months ago, to cut a long story short, I was so emotional and could hardly function, wrote to my bmom and mentioned how upset I was and she got really angry with me, said I was taking her back to a place where she had no self esteem and was ashamed, and in no uncertain terms said I was not considering her feelings, sorry but I can't help it if I was having a breakdown....I just felt the whole thing was all about her, that was it, don't ever mention feelings again so I had to stop it all to just be able to go on.
Anyway, I've just sent a letter to my bfather and all these feelings are coming up again, I'm even dreaming about my bmom even though I honestly don't want contact with her, I was able to go on with my life and never cried again until today. Part of me wants my bfather to want to know me the other part says, who cares....I can't be so hurt all over again, how do we cope with all this???
I know there's probably no clear answer, I just feel I need support for those who understand.
Thanks x x

[rainmon]

these reunions do tend to bring out emotions you did not know were there, Imo during this time that you are not in contact with your b-mom maybe you could seek some counseling to help you through your pain so when and if the next time you ever do want to communicate with your b-mom you will have a better understanding of your emotions, be in a stronger place. and I'm just not sure if right now is the best time for another emotional reunion for you....will it just end up the same way? because of your pent up emotions. will you end up spilling all your emotions out to your b-father at how much your b-mother hurt you? will that be what your new relationship with your b-father will be based on? him against her,
her against you...you against her.....
everybody taking sides?
In a way this would be like going into a new relationship on the rebound, meaning...emotionally too soon. please consider getting some help with this, and please give yourself time to work through some of this.
IMO you just may need to come to terms with yourself and what is upsetting you., as right now you may need more time to mentally process things and deal with the emotional pain that you have not fully dealt with before moving on. you did not say what you got so upset with your b-mom about, but it sounds like she may be really hurting too and she may be hoping for you too calm down so you both can try again.
maybe what you said to her really hurt deep.
do you want her to hurt?
can you not send a little thinking of you card?
so she won't hurt so much?
maybe you both could do some reading about adoption/reunions, so you can both be more in control with a better understanding of each other as well as yourselves. there are many exellent books.
how long have you been in contact? everywhere I've read or heard it says to take reunions "very" slow so you can process all the different emotions along the way at your own pace in a healthy way. it just takes time, so take it slow. people can say things while they are emotionally distraught that they do not really mean, please try to take this time to gain control for your own sake as well as theirs. just slow things down for awhile. take a deep breath....
some reunions just have to steer away from the emotional part of their relationship for awhile.

[lonni]

I would get counseling. That way you can have someone to guide you through the emotional overload and keep you on track.

[RavenSong]

I agree with Lonni ~ I think you'd benefit a lot from some counseling to help you sort out all the emotions and issues. Another thing that might really help you is to join a triad support group that meets in person. A couple years before I reunited with my son, I joined a fantastic support group that consisted of adoptees, aparents, and bparents. We met at least once a month, sometimes more frequently. I don't know what I would have done without the group. I was able to identify which issues I needed to work on in my life, just by listening to other birthmoms open up. By listening to adoptees and aparents, I got to see the "other side" of the coin. I was able to get a better feel for how to go about developing a relationship with my son. There is just something so valuable in being able to meet other people in person who are going thru the same thing you are.

[JustPeachy]

I agree with the counseling, and also, from my experience, when strong emotions come up, I need time to process them. So far, when I have given myself that time to process, these emotions settle and then I can think again with a clear head. I understand your bmom's hurt, espeically since you decided to cut off all contact, but I think she should have allowed you the time to step back and deal with your overwhelming emotions and not blamed you for "taking her back to a place where she had no self esteem and was ashamed." I don't believe anyone can "make" you feel a certain way. These are issues that can get triggered by particular events or circumstances, but they are our feelings to own and take care of. I think your bmom needs to work on this in herself and not expect you to be the one who is responsible for how she feels. You have enough of your own feelings to be responsible for! You were very overwhelmed with strong emotions and when you are that overwhelmed, it is difficult, if not impossible, to carry on in a reunion. Perhaps you can reach a place where if this comes up again, you won't feel the need to shut the door completely, but can express that you need time to process, you are emotionally overwhelmed, but will keep the door open for the future when things settle for you. It doesn't seem, however, that you are in that place right now, so I think it was very good of you to be upfront and honest with your bmom. Maybe you will be in a place later where you can reach out to her or your bdad, but you first need to sort through your feelings and process them. And go slowly. In the interim, I hope your bmom will do the same.

[gigglessa]

I am going through the same thing right now. I almost want to back off a little because my whole life seems to be in turmoil after reunion. I have only been in reunion for about 2 months and only met my mother last month.
I understand your feelings. I was up all night trying to figure out what to do myself. I have not told her anything for the very reason that I don't want her to get hurt or upset..
((hugs))

[winter444]

Thank you everyone.
This may sound mean but I honestly believe my birth mom was happy when I told her it was a mistake to find her and I'm ending it. I bet she was so relieved I was going away, that's just the way I feel about it. I guess deep inside of me that does make me really angry, I wanted her to care that I was hurting but nothing was said, it was all about her and her feelings, even went so far as to tell me I was not considering her at all, WHAT!!!! That's all I was doing. The whole time we were in contact it was supposed to be happy dappy all the time and I couldn't go on like that without some answers.
I doubt I will ever contact her again and I bet any money she just doesn't care to contact me.
I know I need to talk to someone about this, but I am so fed up of crying and I know the minute I sit in the therapists chair, I'll break down.
I feel my bmom just doesn't care that much about me, I can ruin her life as she said and keeping me the dirty secret is her goal, doesn't care about how it makes me feel. I am angry I guess!!! hopefully over time it will get better.
I'm not as wound up after writing the contact letter to my birth father though, sure I'm afraid he'll say get lost but what can you do.

[dpen6]

winter,

I am sorry you are going though this. I think the couseling advice is right on target. You don't desrve to be where you are. You don't desrve to be the symbol of your bmothers pain, but alas we can be. It hurts to know that we exist and our mere existence is enough to bring shame and pain the the person that made us. As much as we can understand what they went trough we are still the "cause" of it all. The thought that I could cause someone to be too hurt to talk to me..just because I live and breath is horrible.

But the reality of the situation is that we exist, we desreve to exist, we deserve to be happy about it. Any other way is taken on a deep rooted shame that meant we should't be here, should't be able to know our own birth story, situation, history ect. We still desreve that. If in fact we get that and the birth mother is unable to deal with the emotions then for your own sake you need to back off to regroup.

Once you get the strenght to remove yourself from her shame can you get to placeto try again, if she allows. It may happen , it may never happen!

Same thing with your bfather...if he makes it about himself and everyone else...you need the strength to realize that they are being self centered. again remove yourself from that situation...you deserve to be happy and if they are not able to help then remove yourself.

I kink of agrree that now may not have been the best time. But...hey maybe it will go well!

[ALISHCAMP]

I understand all that ur feeling. I am 26 and when I was 3 my mother put me. Spet years in fostercare then adopted. They were horrible to me. When I was 18 I found my mother. It was all hunky-dory, untill I went to stay with her for a bit to get to know her. When she lost her job after 9-11, she told me to get a job to support her! What was she thinking? Afer 15 years of not having me, she lost me again. Now I have 2 wonderful kids, and she dosnt even know. The way I c it, after they have had so many years without you, they begin 2 not care so much. It dosnt hurt them as much as it hurts us. They dont know the longing we have for the love of a mother. U are more than welcome to e-mail me at alishcamp@hotmail.com. Good luck and GOD BLESS!!!!

[Mandie moo]

Hello, Its been a very long time since I've posted or read the forums. Hope you don't mind me adding a few words.

Many times I've read the same statement " I feel its all about her" I honestly feel that the seperation trauma between both has been partically buried for so long, that when reunion happens, the buried pain, anger and past experience slowly surface, as time goes on it builds to the point of extreeme overwhelming emotions that seem to cross fire, one thinking/assuming what the other means or feels.
I truly feel that educating ones self on as much as possible about the effects this seperation has had one one another.


I also agree with a triad support group, I don't feel that a regular counsellor would ever come close to understanding what "we" are trying to say to them.

Many do pull out of reunion because one or the other thinks that the other don't care enough, sometimes I feel that we all feel safest to get out before any more pain errupts.

I can say for certain that many of the found mother's never feel that our babies are bringing pain, shame or guilt back to us, it was never about the babies it has most often been about the experience of seperating from the baby.

From my reunion experience and experience of friends of mine, we don't understand why our found adult, no longer the baby can be friendly, able to talk about anything with others, has a positive attitude will not share their thoughts with us without telling us they are pulling out.
Pulling out, I feel, causes enough fear of going back to the begining of seperation, makes us loose trust and afraid of taking a chance that pulling out whenever they feel like it will happen over and over.

I know everyone has a different outlook and circumstances during their reunion. Many times I've felt that it is forgotten that it is about two people, one must try having an open mind, be kind and patient and give time to each other with out pulling out of a reunion, unless there is abuse involved.

Thank
Mandie moo

[carolynppk]

Mandy

I am an adult adoptee (42). I have found that thinking of her has helped me the most. It may have been different for me because I did have a wonderful adoption and family. I don't look at my adoption in a bad light, for her she was 15 when she got pregnant, 16 when she had me. I can not begin to imagine all she went through and how it has affected her whole life. I love her with all my heart, but I fully acknowledge this was painful for her. So when I feel she may be pulling away, I try not to take things personal and know that this is even a million times harder for her. I am not going anywhere. Each situation is different though.

I think counseling and support groups are best. It helps to talk with other bmoms, while they may not feel exactly the way your bmom does, it gives us insight to what they have been through.

Carolyn

[Jan18]

I agree counseling may help. It was about 5 months into my reunion with my bmom that everything hit the fan. I asked one sensitive question and she went nuts on me. I was so angry, that I almost told her I was done. But I took a deep breath, realized that she reacted not as the 47 year old woman she was, but at the 15 year old who had me. And she truly WAS acting like a child for a bit. I backed off, only answered e-mails when she initiated them. Talked to her when she called me. I put everything back in her control. I honestly didn't know if I'd ever see her again. Fast forward three years later...I have made an annual visit to her place every spring break, alone. I just hang out with her and my sisters. It has been one of the most rewarding and beneficial experiences for developing a relationship with my mom and sisters. We have seen each other every 5-6 months since. Now, it feels like we have always known each other. I never feel uncomfortable around her. I have some of the best heart to hearts with one of my sisters. I am so glad I gave her the space she and I both needed in the beginning.

I also went and talked to a therapist. That helped me clear my thoughts and get someone outside of the reunion to help me organize the emotional roller coaster I was feeling. I was crying all the time too. It is extremely hard to find out your life history in a day and have to process everything.

Best of luck to you and come here often for support and advice. It was this forum that helped me the most!!

[winter444]

Thanks so much everyone, I am looking for an adoption counsellor because I really think I need to do that.
I had asked my bmom about my father in the beginning of our reunion, she said she couldn't tell me, so I waited about 7 months or so and asked, very kindly, about him again and that's when she totally went off at me in an email, through 1/2 brother, who also told me his mom was "adamant" she was never ever going to tell me who my father was, that's when I made a phone call to her, I wasn't angry at all, I honestly just wanted to say hello and to hear her voice, i was very calm and, she was so cold and rude to me it hurt so much, then I felt so upset and yes, I admit so angry, I felt so rejected I just couldn't get over the way she was, I emailed her ending everything.
I still check my emails to see if she has written though.