[Michael052082]

I'm still new here and sorting through what it means to be adopted and what effects it has had on my life.

As i've begun my exploration i've read about the so called characteristics of adoptees (ie, sense of loss, low self-esteem, trust issues, intimacy issues). I'll also be the first to admit that these are issues I struggle with. But doesn't everybody?

I feel when I first started thinking about adoption I was quick to attribute to it all of my issues becuase it's something that is different about me and I can identify with it. However, besides me there are plenty of people struggling with similar issues there that weren't adopted.

I just get skeptical sometimes that this is just another way of pointing the finger, deflecting whatever is.

BUT what is different this time is that I remind myself that I was adopted and that this in fact did happen to me.

I definitely don't want to discount anybody's else's situation but for me I find my self sometimes doubting that those first couple of days of my life have had such an ideliable footprint on who am I. Almost more so than the 26 years of support through my aparents.

Again, I understand everybody needs to figure out for themselves but if anybody has felt similarily it would be great to hear from you and how you worked through some of these things. Its just all so ambiguous and uncertain you know - thanks.

[Sniffles]

I find my self sometimes doubting that those first couple of days of my life have had such an ideliable footprint on who am I. Almost more so than the 26 years of support through my aparents.

I fully understand this because I feel the same way too. I have dealt with some issues in my life, but I have never blamed them on my adoption. In fact, I blame them on my own stupidity.

Now it maybe different for others, but I just do not see how that short period of time I spent with my b-mom can override every thing my a-parents have done for me.

[carolynppk]

Right there with you. I am sure that my adoption has shaped me in some way or form, but to say all of my issues are based from that I don't believe.

There are too many people I know that have the same issues that are NOT adopted and had wonderful lives. What makes them feel that way?

I don't know what to say is from being adopted and what is not, what I try to focus on is not the WHY but what can I do now. I can't change the fact that I am adopted, nor would I want to. It is something that happened, it may have had this affect, but what am I going to do with it now? We cannot change the past but we can make and shape our own future.

And in playing Devil's advocate, I have also asked myself what set of issues would I have had, had I been kept instead of placed. I think often we suffer from the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. You can say what if or if only, it does not mean that is how life would have turned out. My bmom is the greatest! She is a wonderful mom to her children, they turned out to be lovely people, but having me and keeping me at 16 in 1965, I think things may have been much different. not that she wouldn't have been a terrific mom to me, like I said, she's the best, but she was even a better mom by putting me above all else and giving me the best mom and dad in the whole world.

I speak for myself and myself only. I know my brother does have many issues that stem from his adoption. But I think that is the point. Each adoption is unique as are the set of circumstances. I don't think we can make blanket statements that adoption affect us each in the same way. I think that demeans each of us as individuals. Each situation is it's own. And while I hate people telling me that I am in denial and not in touch with my real feelings, I would never tell someone else their issues are not adopted related. We all may have similar situations, but no two are the same, thus affecting us each in different ways.

Welcome to the forums, Michael. There are lots of wonderful people to talk to here and will help with any issue, question, perspective about adoption you may have. I have found, that for the most part, people here are incredible and respectfully agree to disagree when they share different viewpoints. Lots of great support!

Carolyn

[txrnr]

Personally, I have no issues (HA)... I also fall into the camp that whatever issues I have I don't blame on my adoption. Maybe I'd have these same problems if I wasn't adopted, or maybe I'd have a whole new set. This is the hand I was dealt, and overall, I'm pretty darn happy with it. I think all of us, adopted or not have issues. The key is how we deal with them, not why we have them. Of course, that's simply my opinion, and others I'm sure will disagree based on their experiences.

[Michael052082]

Thanks!

I appreciate your thoughts and personally I agree. I guess regardless of the side you take you really just want an answer, a nice clean solution (whos the rookie here right!!).

anyway ii know me and 'm quick to get sucked into the blame game and then lose sight of reacting in a positive fashion.

Its all just really uncomfortable though. Mentally i know balance and patience but my emotional side has no idea what that is. it says full speed ahead with the blinders on.

In the meantime though i'm just really trying to step up my awareness around this. But to end on a positive note i feel that being adopted and the experience has to lends itself to a greater perspective, one that not everybody has. how can that experience be leveraged and drawn upon?

[loveajax]

Michael, I am an adoptive parent and married to an adult adoptee (42 yo).

My husband reads threads on a.com sometimes and gets bananas....Mostly, because he thinks that there is a lot of trying to place a lot of "stuff" on being adopted that simply is part of what everyone goes thru.

At the same time, I (personally) think that adoptees have the right to feel whatever way they feel at any given time. Maybe at certain points they "identify" certain things as being adoption related, and then later in life (with hindsight) realize it is not (or not as much as they may think). And then again maybe there is "more" to being adopted than is acknowledged. It's all very personal.

Welcome! I have learned so much on these forums and I hope you find them useful too...

[RobinKay]

loveajax, I am also married to an adult adoptee--we are in our early 50's. My husband's sibling are also adopted, all at different times and different places. For my husband, it has always been an abstract concept. For his siblings, it has been an issue. You are so right saying that everyone has the right to feel what they feel about their adoption.

BTW--we have also adopted our youngest son-a relative adoption and have had him for 1 1/2 yrs. That is so different from my husband, as he was adopted at 5 days old in Germany--no info about birth family. Our little guy knows everyone in the family and remembers birth parents very clearly and does miss them, I know.

Coming here has been wonderful for me--helped me so much to help my new son.

[Sniffles]

Originally Posted by carolynppk

And in playing Devil's advocate, I have also asked myself what set of issues would I have had, had I been kept instead of placed. I think often we suffer from the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. You can say what if or if only, it does not mean that is how life would have turned out. My bmom is the greatest! She is a wonderful mom to her children, they turned out to be lovely people, but having me and keeping me at 16 in 1965, I think things may have been much different. not that she wouldn't have been a terrific mom to me, like I said, she's the best, but she was even a better mom by putting me above all else and giving me the best mom and dad in the whole world.

Ya know I think about this a lot too. I have not actually reunited with my b-mom, just my grandparents, but I have recieved one e-mail from her. She was in a way very cold and distance, but also it seemed that she cared enough to help ease some of my feelings about things. She will not talk to me because her daughter does not know about me. From what I understand, mind you it is third hand info, her daughter is very private and does not have many friends. I feel I may have been like her if I was raised by her. I am a people person, I have to be in my job. I just could not see myself living that way.

I like Carolyn, have a brother who has not handled his adoption well and is always blaming things that have happened in his life because he was adopted. He either is blaming our parents or his b-mom, mainly he takes it out on our mom. Quite frankly in his situation, it is a bunch of crap and he just does not want to take responsibility for his actions.

[carolynppk]

I think you can play the blame game until you are blue in the face. I do not have a lot of issues that many adoptees do. I will say, for my brother, I can understand where his adoption affected him much differently than mine did. I was an infant, just six days old when I was placed. My brother, not biologically, was placed at two years. His bmom tried to keep him. He was the product of an affair, she hid him at babysitters and all kinds of stuff. WHen her husband found out that she had in fact kept him, she left him at a sitters and never came back for him. He was placed in foster care and then adopted. The marriage failed quickly after they had placed him in the home (the father was very possesive of my brother) and since the probation period was not over, the welfare department thought it be better to place him again rather than stay in the home. He went back to the same foster home and then my parents got him about a week after his second birthday. My brother has never blamed his problems on his adoption, but you can definately see trust, abandonment, latching on to anyone who he feels will accept him, low self esteem, all of that. So that is why I will not dismiss that it does effect some of us greater than others. That is also why I don't think one can put a blanket statement on adoptees and say we are all effected in this way or that. Still I think that many people, even if they had not been adopted, would have had to have something to blame their problems on, it is just the way they are. Can't change it, why dwell on it? Part of growing up for me has been acceptance, knowing I have not walked in anothers shoes, especially my bmother's, and to forgive, because again, I have not walked in the other person's shoes.

Carolyn

[bprice215]

interesting poit of view
bprice215

[rainmon]

Carolyn, yes...that is how I also feel.....and I have also always felt... that the person within is the only one that can guide or change the way things will go for them after adulthood.
Many people who were not adopted have also had hard childhoods...disadvantages, broken families, broken bones, broken promises, broken dreams....just in different ways....sometimes, granted... we knew our roots....but also we may have wish to God we didn't.....
there are many born poor, no advantages and even abused in many ways.... and have become very stable...mentally as well as financially and have gone on to become compassionate people and determined adults who have come in to there own, on their own.....and were even able to reach out and help others needing help along the way......
And then there are also some who were born rich with many advantages available to them and in good solid families...who then became aimless, selfish & or penniless & helpless and with no direction in life what so ever and blaming everyone else for their problems.
but I have discovered it does not seem to be that important where you came from....how you grew up......and what you had... that makes the person...
it's just what "you" personally do with what is dished out, good or bad, that determines who you may become. its in your hands....
many things in life are offered....good and bad...right or wrong...healthy and unhealthy. everyday there are choices to make. but not "dwelling" on a past that drags you down seems to be a good choice in order to progress & flourish in a good way.
but by placing blame, pointing fingers and then dwelling in it.....it's not going to get you anywhere.....
just face it.......deal with it.......then move on.
then you can become the person you want to be.

[shadow riderer]

Up until about three years ago, I would have agreed with most everything you guys have said. I would have said adoption had very little effect on my life. I was fine with it. I had no issues about being adopted. My issues, I would have said, had more to do with my abusive Afather, and I was not different just because I was adopted, than any other child with an abusive parent. I was placing no blame on anyone for my issues. They were my issues to overcome. I had to take responsibility for them.

I had read parts of the "Primal Wound" and would not call myself a victim. I was not wounded by adoption, and adoption was not to blame for my issues. In a book club thread on this forum, I played the devil's advocate, and tried to argue every point of the "Primal Wound". I was not that wounded child.

Now, after reuniting with both my maternal and paternal bio families, I have to admit that adoption plays a major role in my issues of abandonment, trust, etc. Those issues did not entirely surface until after reunion. Had I not reunited with my bio families, I would have continued to deny that being given up at birth had an effect on me. Had my bio parents handled their end of reunion differently, I am positive I would not feel the same. My issues over my adoption surfaced like a volcano after years of denial and repressed anger, which would take way too long to detail.

My issues do not soley stem from adoption. They stem from the circumstances of my life. I was asked once what I thought the difference was, for children, in issues brought on by being raised by parents, who raise their children but abandoned them emotionally, and adoptees issues. I am not speaking for all adoptees, but for me it is the actual, literal, physical, abandonement that makes the difference between the issues of adoptees and the same issues in others. You can disagree with me, flame me, whatever, but saying that being physically given away at birth by the woman, who cared for you in her stomach for nine months, even if you understand her reason, even if it was for the best, doesn't, even in the slightest way, make you a little sad or angry in some way, doesn't hurt you deep down, even slightly, is denial. I'm not saying you need to dwell on it. Maybe it's not something you need to think about at all, but how could you not be effected by that knowledge somewhere deep in the core of your being? It is, even if done in love, a rejection, and rejection hurts.

I believe the level of that hurt will depend on your own life circumstances. If you had great Aparents, your reunions were wonderful,etc, you probably wont feel that wound like I do. You wont have my level of anger over it, but I would think you still felt something in respect to being adopted. Wouldn't it only be a human reaction to such a thing?

I don't think it's about using adoption as the "blame" for issues of abandonement, etc. I think it's about understanding why we, whether adopted or not, act and react the way we do. It's about using the knowledge of the issues that may arise because of adoption, to grow as a person. It's about understanding yourself, and using that knowledge to become a better you.

Keep in mind this is just my opinio, based on my own experience. For any birthmoms, I would like to apologize ifwhat I have said hurts you. It was not my purpose to do so.

[loveis]

I agree everyone has issues of some sort. But they all had to stem from somewhere, there has to be something that was the root cause of the issue. Blame is a strong word and many take offense that people "blame" adoption. Maybe blame is just the wrong word, maybe root cause, not sure?? But I have issues that many adoptees have, no not all, but I do have them. And understanding that adoption may be the root cause is helpful. It gives me a place to start, and work on. Not a place to lay blame, but a place of understanding IMHO. I know that no one wants to say adoption caused issues but in some cases of those willing to admit it, it does, it effects all parts of the triad and coming to terms with that is much more helpful for me at least, than to keep denying that it played any role in any of my issues.

Adoption is necessary, but no one can tell me that it a perfect solution for any part of the triad and that everyone went on to live happily ever after and had no issues. From what I can tell their are a whole lot of lifetime effects across the board, some may be more obvious than others but they are there.

Whatever your issues are, get to the root cause and deal with them, if adoption is that root cause there is nothing wrong with that, it is just your root cause!

Hopefully this made some sense. I just think fighting the issue that adoption is not perfect and causes issues is worse than accepting it and doing something about it.

[FAYE56]

Yes, everyone has issues,

was/is my low self-esteem from being put up for adoption or was it because "self-esteem" was not necessarily encouraged growing up?

Are self-esteem issues nature or nuture or both? My being adopted was not a stigma in my house - I was told I was special because of it - but my Mom when she was my age was smarter and couldn't understand why I struggled with school - we were always being compared with neighbors kids or her

My brother (also adopted) always had connection issues, never getting close to anyone and never acknowledged that he was adopted.

Growing up I was told my birthmother was about 15 yrs old, walked into the hospital, gave birth and left - never looking back - it was the Nurses that named me Karen Elaine. My non-id said she was 20 yrs old and wanted what was best for me, signing me away 2 weeks after I was born - she named me Karen Elaine. When I questioned my Dad about the different stories, he told me that was what they were told by the Catholic Charities -- now I wonder, was the 15 yr old scenerio my brother and not me?

If babies respond to music, massage and other outside stimuli while in the womb - doesn't it make sense that any child carried for 9 months who is not wanted - regardless of adoption is going to suffer some type of issue?

Unfortunately my Brother's issues never resolved themselves before he died. We were both adopted, raised by the same people, in the same house and neighborhood - yet traveled very different paths

Yes, I believe and know that being adopted leaves a hole in who I am - and probably because I'm adopted I didn't/don't handle rejection very well. Some issues have gotten better with maturity though.

But because I'm adopted, I'm can legitimately be here and learn, vent and get support from others who really know how I am feeling.

Faye

p.s. I found my birthmother -- Rejected Again -- what really hurts is she's withholding my birthfather information as well a knowing my siblings (yea, I made the foolish promise of not contacting my siblings - thinking she only need a little time - that was back in November 2006)

[carolynppk]

Sorry, not in denial here. I am SOOOOO tired of people telling saying that if, for yourself, you do not feel that your adoption is the root cause of your problems or that you are not a "wounded child" then you are in denial.

Yes, I feel sad that a young girl got pregnant at a young age and lost her youth, her innocence. I am sad for all the pain she had to endure and go through. But sadness or anger for me being placed instead of her keeping me, no. I have never felt that and am not in denial over it. I have no desire to have been raised in that era by an unwed, teenage mother. Not that she would not have loved me, not that I would not have loved her, but the situation would have been bad for all involved in MY situation. I feel bad for her and her situation and what she had to endure and go through. And yes, I have been in reunion for more than three years now, that hasn't changed my view point. Call it faith or what have you, I know that me and my brother were meant to be with the parents we had. My two moms got to meet and know one another before my mother passed away this May. All of us were in agreement of the situation, our feelings and how things worked out, and for me, no matter what a book says (Which is really what? Just a person's opinion) that is all that really matters. I am sad for her that she was not in the postion to keep me, not for myself but for her. I cannot imagine what it is like to give up a child, nor that anyone wants to give up a child. And I know that she loved me by how well she took are of me for those nine months. I have never felt abandon by her because she placed me, if anything it has given me security to know she loved me and put me above all else.

As I said about my brother, I do not dispute that some have issues from their placement. Each one of us has walked a different path here. I do agree on finding what the root of a problem is, (and for some that may be adoption related) what I disagree with is getting stuck there and not moving forward and continuing to blame your circumstances on it. You can't change it, so are you going to let it lead your whole life? Okay, I know where this feeling came from, do I sit there and let it keep eating me up or do I try to find a solution and change my way of thinking? Emotions do not tell us the truth and we have to focus on what we know to be real.

I think my issues of the fear of losing those who I love come from many different things, but especially from losing my father and husband three weeks apart with three small kids at the age of 33-moreso than being placed for adoption. And again, I had a choice. I cannot change that my husband died leaving me with three small children while I was still reeling from the death of my father, my hero. I could have let it consume me and blamed everything bad in my life on it, personally I think I had that right. But instead I actually, hmmm can't think of the right word to use, I am not thankful it happened, but thankful for the person it made me, does that make sense? Again, I feel God had a plan, and while I don't think God killed my husband so I could be with my current husband and have three more children, I truly think there is a bigger picture, one we cannot understand and even in the worst situations, things happen for a reason. Because I don't look at my husband's death as a horrible mistake but as a master plan to which I don't regret, am I in denial? No! I think since I have played the "what if" and "if only" game so many times, I have realized that you have no way of knowing how things would have turned out had you been kept and it is a game you will never win, because the odds of it really working out as what you thought of in your mind are pretty small, it at all.

I am getting winded, but I will say, just as I do believe that there are some people profoundly impacted by their adoptions, there are others who do not share that experience, does it mean we are in denial, no, we may have started the journey in a similar spot but we have gone on different paths. I don't tell others they are "crazy" for feeling their adoptions have affected them in some way, why do others feel the need to say others, as myself, are in denial? I also think that there are some people in some situations would always have some excuse to blame their adoption on. Just as there are people who are not adopted, but say, children from divorce, a widow as myself or whatever, some poeple will always play the victim. NOT all people, SOME. That is why I dislike blanket statements lumping that all adoptees feel a certain way. We are all too diverse, with very different happenings,to say we all feel this way or that.

Carolyn