[Nicole28]

I couldn't think of an appropriate title.

Last night, after the first day of my new job, my boyfriend of over a year - the person that wanted to marry me - decided to break up with me. He says that I am not ready for a relationship. That I need to seek counseling; that I am an emotional wreck.

He did this on AOL Instant Messenger. Over the Internet.

I have never been so hysterical in my entire life - I couldn't breathe and I shook for hours. I went into my parent's bedroom and woke them up and continued to sob. My best friend Erin got out of bed and into her car at 1:50 am and drove here [it takes an hour and a half] to be with me.

I spoke to him briefly today - he "needs time" and is unsure as to whether or not he wants to work on repairing our relationship. He made it a point to tell me that I am now "single as can be" and that "we are not in a relationship." When he is angry, he is sarcastic and hurtful. He's never fought fair, but he amazed me at how hurtful he could be today. He did tell me that he loves me. What good does that do?

I took down our pictures, put all of his things in a drawer that I never go into and in my closet. I took down all of the little notes he had written me. I told him I'd give him the time he apparently needs. I won't text him, I won't email him, I won't call him. I won't torture myself that way.

I took the day off from work - my SECOND day. I sent am email to my supervisor at 4 am, telling him that I had a family issue to take care of and that I'd be in after lunch, but he replied in the morning and told me to take the time that I needed & that they'd see me on Wednesday. If I had gone into work, I would have had a breakdown at my desk. But now I desperately crave a 9-5 workday so that I am busy...the quiet time tonight is killing me.

He said he is glad that he realized that I "need help" now, rather than after we'd gotten married, for instance. What does that even mean? Is he suddenly unsupportive? How can you deny someone that you love the support they need? I don't understand this.

I have not eaten since yesterday evening. My eyes are puffy and my stomach is sore from the hysterical crying. I am cold and can't get warm, and I feel physically ill. I had awful dreams last night. My best friend keeps telling me that "you have to get through it one day at a time."

I'm extremely sad. I spent a year loving someone & had begun planning a future...and now, all of a sudden, I am a crazy person who "needs help" and has emotional and mental issues that all of a sudden deem me incapable of having a relationship. I don't get it.

Quite honestly, I am on auto-pilot. I didn't want to take down all of our pictures, etc., because then I would be admitting that this had happened. It hurt too much to look at them, though. I don't want to think about this, let alone deal with it. I want to know what is going to happen three days from now...three months from now. How could I possibly move forward? I am at a loss.

[Oceans]

((( Nicole ))) I am so sorry - I wish there were words. If it makes you feel better (which it wont) people who do this

He did this on AOL Instant Messenger. Over the Internet

Are being (insert words that I can't say here) - No excuse for that behavior.

I am so sorry you are hurting like this...

[kdecrow]

Hi Nicole,

I'm so very sorry. I know you're hurting...and there is no way to avoid it. Take it from an old woman of 47 who has been there, you will survive. You're going to have a rough time at first but soon you will see that everyday you feel a little stronger. You really can't go around this hurt...just go through it.

Do you have a religious faith? Perhaps you could lean on that along with a couple of good friends.

You'll make it. We've all been there but when it happens to you it feels like you're the only one who's ever felt that way.

I'm thinking of you and stay strong!

Kim

[browneyes0707]

(((HUGS))) Nicole.

I agree. People who break up with their girlfriends of over a year on AIM has more issues than they care to admit. How very cowardly.

I am so sorry. Have a good cry. Pull yourself together, and think of the positive (your new job! Endless possibilities!) I know it seems impossible now, but as time goes on, the positive gets brighter and the sadness gets dimmer.

As I tell some of my patients "Today is the worst day. It gets better from here."

(((((HUGS)))))

[kdecrow]

How many guys break up with their girlfriends through IM's these days?

What did the cowardly ones do before computers? Or voice messages?

Snail mail? Rock with a note through the window?

Hang tough Nicole! We're here if you need us!

Kim

[kelceesmom]

Nicole,
I am really sorry to read about this.

AIM hummmmmmm, who needs therapy? Not you but him it seems.

It sounds like he has done something wrong and this is his way of dealing with it. Hang in there. I think most of us have been there at least once in our life. It hurts like the dickens but everyday is a new day and one step closer to someone who is supposed to be in our lives.

You'll be ok one of these days and you will take something away from this relationship that you can use in your next relationship.

(((Hugs)))

[RavenSong]

Nicole, I am so very sorry this happened to you. I know exactly how it feels...I think many women have been in your shoes. I wish I had some words of wisdom to get you thru this, but I don't. There's no way to get around the pain you're feeling right this minute. You just have to find a way to get thru the day, one day at a time. The pain will lessen, although I know it doesn't feel that way right now.

He sounds like a jerk, especially knowing that he broke up with you over AIM. Also, I was really concerned when I read the part about how he never fights fair, that he is sarcastic and hurtful. That is NOT the type of man you need to share your life with, believe me! You are a beautiful (I saw your graduation picture), intelligent woman. Take it from me, you aren't going to have any trouble at all finding someone better. Do try to stay away from the hurtful ones though.

Indulge yourself in a special treat...I always liked banana splits when I broke up with my boyfriends. (I was a runner back in those years, so I didn't worry too much about calories, lol!) Try to keep yourself busy with any hobbies you enjoy. But do give yourself permission to grieve the loss of this relationship. (((Hugs)))

[jwmjwm]

Nicole, I'm so sorry. I'm glad you have your parents and best friend to support you right now. I think this guy has some issues himself. To say those mean things to you and then tell you he loves you? Very manipulative. You deserve better. And PLEASE don't let him tell you you are crazy, or need help, or have issues. No, no, NO!!

[Nicole28]

We started the conversation that led to this break up on the phone, but he hung up.

He has serious conversations via AIM because he hates confrontation. He knew how hysterical I would be. He gets off so easy, telling me online where he can't SEE how I am reacting, and then signing off when he wants to and leaving me staring at my laptop.

He texted me tonight, after we'd spoken briefly again on AIM [I did not initiate the conversation]. I had told him that I wouldn't reach out to him since he'd said "I need time." He texted "You need to ask your parents about getting insurance so that you can see someone and work through your issues. You cannot continue to live this way." These ISSUES - I assume that he is referring to a] my feelings about my adoption and b] the emotional issues that I have as a result of an abusive, 5 year relationship - are issues that do not prohibit me from living my life. When I needed to, I would talk to him about how I felt. On occasion, I felt sad or depressed but I bounced back. And those "issues" did not prevent me from being able to love him, or from being a wonderful girlfriend. They did not make me incapable of having an "adult relationship." How can someone turn on someone they love - someone who depends on them - all of a sudden?

I am trying to busy myself tonight...reading, watching some TV. All I want to do is sleep, but I don't know if I will be able to. I want to write him an email and say the things that I could not say in my own defense because I couldn't type fast enough last night. I don't know if I should do that...I did tell him that I'd leave him alone. But why don't I get to say what I want to say? I will have to think that over.

[Sniffles]

BIG HUGS Nicole.

It sounds to me like he is the one with issues, not you. Especially since he broke up with you over IM. Do not let him tell you that you have problems. He is no expert.

You will get through this and then be able to move on with the next part of your life. Go have a good cry, eat a pint of cookie dough ice cream, and if you think it might make you feel better, just to write that letter to him, but my advise, don't send it. At least not yet. Give yourself a few days to get over the shock then go back and reread it and decide then if you want to send it or not. If you do I would make this the last time you contact him. Let him step up and be a man and contact you.

[EZ2Luv]

Big Hugs to you. As hard as this and I know BTDT and thought I would never recover. I swear I could have written your post minus the AIM it was via the phone(there was no internet back in my days) You know what? I did recover in spite of myself. You seem to have loving parents that are supportive, I did and that helped even though I thought no one could possibley know how I was feeling.

One thing I learned "Rejection is God's protection" Whether you see this now or not, I promise that somewhere down the line you will see what you were spared of and that you deserve so much better. I will keep you in my prayers.

EZ

[curiositykitten]

I'm so sorry about all of this that you're going through.

I think that doing things like this, over aim, via text, ect, are some of the most cowardly things a person can do. Leaving a relationship of over a year is something that needs to be done face to face. It's so much easier to get out of the tough situations in life by not having to look at the damage that you cause another person.

I have to agree with a lot of points you made, regardless of whether you need counseling, can't he be there for you while you go through it?

Maybe you should give him time, but I don't think that it's a bad idea to write a letter. You dont have to give it to him, it might make you feel better to write out everything you are thinking and feeling.

[JPDakota]

I'm going to write very frankly for a moment.
OK, look, maybe you do have issues. SO WHAT? Everybody has issues! In fact, Ernest Hemingway wrote "The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places." That's pretty much the key in my experience.
Secondly, at some point along this grief path you're walking you'll leave the "how could someone treat someone they love like this?" and run smack into "if he was such a jerk, how could I love him and plan a future with him?" There's nothing wrong with you for not seeing it. My Grandma used to say that you don't really know someone until you've eaten a barrel of salt together. Man, when you look at those little salt shakers and how long it takes to get through one of those together, think of a whole barrel!
In terms of communicating with him and maybe reuniting? I know you love who you thought he was enough to overlook his anger and sarcastic and hurtful behavior. But seriously, you do not deserve to be treated in that manner. Period. A disrespectful man is not going learn to respect you and treat you differently. Get involved with someone who you don't need to change.
I know you're a little fragile right now. And that's normal. And personally, auto-pilot is sometimes a good place to be. Hang in there. You're going to be ok.

[lonni]

Don't let him get away with making you an "identified patient" because you are adopted. What that means is that it may be HIS issues (can almost guarantee that) or his problems that broke you up but because you are an adoptee working through your feelings (NORMAL adoptee feelings) that he is identifying you as the "patient" in need. Even if we could all probably use a Life Coach to untangle this adoption mess, it does not mean we are the dysfunctional one in the relationship.

[Jackiejdajda]

Lonni

Don't let him get away with making you an "identified patient" because you are adopted. What that means is that it may be HIS issues (can almost guarantee that) or his problems that broke you up but because you are an adoptee working through your feelings (NORMAL adoptee feelings) that he is identifying you as the "patient" in need. Even if we could all probably use a Life Coach to untangle this adoption mess, it does not mean we are the dysfunctional one in the relationship.

I agree Lonni..
I think we are attracted to what we want to sort ourselves.. and when we don’t want to ‘go there’ we lash out.. Send a PM.. and not speak to the person face to face.. eye to eye..

Take care of you.. Nicole..


Jackie