[Nicole28]

I have some concerns about my relationship with my Mom. This may bore you...I apologize, ha.

I have always been closer to my Dad - I've always been a "Daddy's girl," as I am their only child & a girl, but in general I find that he and I get along much more easily than my Mom and I ever have. He and I are both a little bit sarcastic, have the same sense of humor, like to talk about sports/current events/politics etc. I was always his "little buddy" growing up...he'd take me to the golf course with him and I would play with my Barbie's in the sand trap while he played and then he'd get me an ice cream cone, or we'd go to the hardware store and he'd push me around on those big carts or let me sit on the riding lawnmowers, ha.

My Mom and I are VERY much alike: we are both very stubborn. Neither one of us wants to admit when we are wrong. We both feel like we need the last word in any disagreement. We're both very opinionated. Neither of us are really great listeners - we are darn good at talking, however. We both like things done "our way." We both want my Dad's attention when he is home, as he is gone quite frequently on business [and always has been]. We are both impulsive shoppers and we both have a fairly short temper/patience span, although I think that I am far more patient than she is [and my Dad would attest to that]...the similarities kind of end there, though.

Since I moved home just about a year ago, I find that my Mom annoys me for no apparent reason. Sometimes, simply her presence annoys me. I find myself sharing less and less with her and, when we're both home, I prefer to be upstairs in my room or downstairs in our finished basement watching TV...but she could be in our family room, watching the same show that I am watching, but I still prefer to be by myself. If my Dad's home, sometimes I am more inclined to hang around her, but it depends. I find myself annoyed when she asks me about my day, or what I'm doing that night, or what I did at the gym, or what I bought at the mall. We don't have "heart to heart" talks.

When I was struggling with school and dropped out for a semester this past October my Mom decided that we needed to go to family counseling and work on our relationship. We went to two sessions as a family and I went to two sessions on my own - but never had the counselor refer me because I was a] uninsured at the time and b] I didn't feel ready to tackle all of my issues yet [maybe b had more to d with it than a]. When we sat in those two sessions as a family, my Mom expressed to the counselor that she desperately wanted to repair our relationship and re-open the lines of communication. My Dad wanted that as well. And so did [do] I. However, we never really figured out how to do that. I think we all collectively decided that counseling wasn't "our thing" and we haven't discussed it since.

I really, really feel compelled to work on my relationship with my Mom, especially because I know that it hurts her. She has said to me on numerous occasions - or rather, she has asked me - "Why don't you like me?" That makes my stomach drop, and because it catches me so off-guard and because I am a person who generally loathes confrontation with family members, I deflect the comment and say "Oh come on, Mom, don't be so dramatic. Of course I like you," or something to that effect...but I feel like there's a lot of seriousness behind her comment & it breaks my heart to think that I'm causing her pain or making her feel rejected or sad.

Sometimes when my Mom has something she wants to express to me she'll write me a long note [which she edits, re-writes, and edits again] and leave it on my bed for me to find. Sometimes she asks me to talk to her about what she has to say once I have had time to think about it, or she'll just want to express herself & she doesn't require a response. I'm thinking of writing her a note, telling her that I want to work on our relationship, but I have no idea where to begin. How do I tell her that sometimes I find her presence to be annoying?! And for no real reason? I mean - that is a hurtful thing to hear, and I don't want to hurt her. I guess what I am looking for are suggestions [especially from Mom's! Hint hint] as to how I should word my letter so that I can avoid hurting her as much as possible. Despite being an English major & the keeper of a daily journal I find that I really don't have a way with words, ha.

I am concerned that I am indirectly aiming the resentment, anger and frustration that I feel for my biological mother at my Mom. THERE: I said it. If you know me & follow me here on the forums, you know that sometimes I don't like to admit that I'm grieving what I can only assume to be the loss of a tie with my biological mother. I generally make the claim that I could care less about ever being in reunion with her and that all I really want is medical history. Some of you have called me out on that & I have flat-out denied it...so there you are; my name is Nicole and I am grieving the loss of my biological mother.

ANYWAY - could that be the case? Could I be "taking out" these emotions on my Mom? I sometimes think, oh, it's just because we live in the same house & I am almost 24 and I am a person who prefers to live alone and have her own space...but other times I think, you know, my Mom is such a gentle, funny, sweet soul...why am I so unable to connect with her? In a sense, now I'm grieving the loss of my relationship with my Mom, too.

So, what I am asking is advice - I know that I should address this issue. I'm at the place in my life where I am having serious discussions about getting engaged and thinking about children of my own within the next five years, and a relationship with my Mom is absolutely something I want/need to have when I am going through these kinds of big life milestones. I think writing a letter is my best option [since my Mom likes to do this, too] but I am afraid to tell her how I'm feeling. She recently went on Wellbutrin - she didn't tell me why, so it could be for menopausal symptoms, but my fear is that she's depressed and sad and I don't know because I don't pay enough attention to her to recognize those kinds of things. Basically, I feel like a rotten daughter. I think that in addition to the letter I will start asking her to spend time with me - whether we go to Panera for lunch or we go to the bookstore and browse together or go to the mall or ANYTHING. I know she'd love that. And maybe I need to force myself to spend more time with her to get to the root of the problem...avoiding her is hurtful to both of us and it seems so immature. I would really, really like to focus on repairing our relationship.

[Nicole28]

Here's the letter that I just wrote to her...I am going to "sleep on it" and then see how I feel about what I've written in the morning.

Dear Mom,

I want to start my letter to you by thanking you for being a wonderful Mom. You are someone that I admire and love very much.

I am feeling as though our relationship could use some work – maybe you feel this way, too. I want to address this because it is so important to me that we have a close relationship where we both respect one another and truly enjoy one another’s company.

I know that sometimes I am very short with you and that it seems like I want absolutely nothing to do with you, and I am sure that this hurts your feelings and makes you feel rejected or sad. I will admit that sometimes your presence alone will annoy me, and for no apparent reason. I am sure that is hurtful to read, but I have to be honest & address how I am feeling in order to work towards a better and more functioning relationship. There are times when your questions about my day, or where I am going that night, or what I did at the gym, etc. are incredibly aggravating to me, and there is no explanation for that – so, I find myself being extremely short with you so that I can get the conversation over with. I always think in my head “Why do I feel so annoyed?” but I can never find an answer to that question. I find that sometimes you can be in the family room watching TV & I prefer to be downstairs in the basement, even if we are watching the same channel, and I can’t explain that. I feel like a terrible daughter for rejecting you, and although I can’t explain it I know that I feel badly about it and would like to fix it.

It could very well be that I am taking our relationship for granted. When I lived in North Carolina I remember calling you every day and telling you everything, and, when I was able to go home and visit, I’d want to spend every minute with you because I had missed you so much. Living so far away was an opportunity for me to recognize how special our relationship was and how important family is to me.

I would like to be able to talk to you about ANYTHING – I would like to find a way to get to a place where we enjoy spending time with one another. I think that we should commit to spending more time together, whether we go to Barnes & Noble and browse for books and get coffee, or go to Panera and have lunch, or go to the mall and shop together, or even set our alarms and go to the diner at 2 am on a weekend night for breakfast food. Maybe if we start making time together a priority we will be able to re-open the lines of communication again and ease ourselves into a really enjoyable relationship.

You have said to me on a couple of occasions something like “Why don’t you like me?” and I have answered with “Oh, Mom, don’t be so dramatic, of course I like you.” But, how would you know that I liked being around you if I didn’t act that way? I apologize if the way I act has hurt your feelings or made you feel rejected. I certainly never intended to make you feel like that. I don’t know WHY I am having trouble opening up to you, or why I am annoyed by you, and it hurts me to think that our relationship is suffering because of me.

So, I think that we should commit to spending more mother-daughter time together. I will commit to being more patient and less brief when you ask me how my day was or what I’m up to, and I will also ask YOU how your day was, etc. I will spend more time with you around the house – we can watch the same channel in the same room, for instance, or if I am cooking dinner I will give you something to do, too, so that we can work in the kitchen together. Maybe we can start reading the same book together and then talk about it. I think that kind of interaction will ultimately bring us closer together. Maybe we could even take a weekend trip together this summer – to NYC, or to Toronto to see a play, or we could spend a night at Mirbeau and get massages and facials like we did a few Christmases ago. I really would like to plan a weekend like that, wouldn’t you?

As I get older, I really think that it is important to have a good relationship with you, so I am going to make that a priority. You don’t need to reply to this letter unless you would like to; just knowing what you can expect of me & what I think we should both do is enough for me. Actions, I think, speak louder than words, so whether you reply or not the real proof will be in how we interact from here on out, you know?

I am very sorry if I have hurt your feelings. I love you and I am thankful that you are my Mom. I am sorry if I have made you feel inadequate or rejected and if my behavior towards you has made you feel like I do not respect you or love you. I will do a much better job at showing you how I feel. I know that sometimes I am not easy to live with, and that I am not the most fun to be around if I am overtired or stressed, but part of growing up is learning how to deal with that stress productively in a way that doesn’t compromise my relationships with the people that I love.

I love you and I think that we will grow much closer as a result of this letter.

[bromanchik]

First of all it is most likely that you need your own place. You are an adult woman living in another adult woman's house. This is ok when the relationship is equal, but you are mother and daughter. If your dad was home all the time you might find yourself avoiding him too.

Being out of the house might enable you to truly embrace your mom on an adult level. Transiting to an adult relationship is hard for some.

BTW, great letter.

[lovemy2boys]

I know that if it were I, I'd appreciate the letter and the fact that my kids were trying to reach out to me, which is admittedly a difficult thing to do.

This may not be something you are feeling comfortable telling her, but maybe you can tell her that you may have some misplaced anger and that she seems to be the one that takes the brunt of it (you don't necessarily have to tell her it's about your firstmom if you don't want to).

I think your letter is great. I wish you two the best!

[JustPeachy]

The way I see it (and I may be entirely wrong here), is that at age 24, you are going through a normal phase of independence. I know when I was in my early 20s (and even beyond!), I really didn't want much at all to do with my mom, as I was becoming my own person, becoming increasingly independent, wanting to do my own thing, hang out with friends, date, etc. If my mom would have been asking me all those questions, i.e. "how was your day?" "what did you do today?" "where were you?", I would have found it intrusive. I'm not saying you cannot ever be close or have a better relationship, but two adult women living in the same house, especially a mother/daughter, is bound to have some tension!

A good friend of mine who was out on her own for many years, had to move back home with her parents temporarily at one point. She was already in her 30s, had owned her own place, etc. She was very close with her mother. Extremely so. However, when she moved back home, even she admitted that her mom (and dad to a lesser extent) got under her skin. I think it's just pretty normal for adult children to go through this. You want your independence more, you are your own person, and don't need such intense closeness perhaps, as you did when you were younger.

I could definitely relate to needing your alone time and space when you are in the same house. Heck, I need this too and I love my husband! But honestly, he would drive me crazy (and I him) if we were always together or doing the same thing all the time.

Maybe try to do things outside of the house that you and your mom both enjoy. Some of the things you addressed in the letter are really nice ideas (spa treatment, for instance). And work towards getting your own place if you can. Sometimes separation and a bit of absence allows you to appreciate someone more and look forward to seeing them, rather than having them there all the time. And when you live with someone, all their annoying habits are magnified! I don't see anything wrong so much with you needing your space.

[browneyes0707]

Nicole:

I have to admit the way you set the relationship up, it sounds similar to my relationship with my parents. And I'm not adopted.

When I was younger, my mom used to tell people that if something ever happened to her, she would be afraid to leave me with my dad because we are so stubborn and so alike we'd probably kill eachother. I think that is funny now, because I don't ever remember having those issues with my dad, I have them with my mom. As I got older and more secure in myself, I feel like things have gotten worse in the sense that we are both so stuck in our own opinions, and my mom can be very controlling. We almost killed eachother planning my wedding! And she knows it too, recently we were talking about people who move back in with their parents for a time to save up for a down payment and she offered me the same, and I empatically said no, LOL! And she looked relieved. We know our relationship cannot handle that.

I think the letter that you wrote is beautiful, and will be so important to her and to your relationship (((HUGS)))!

[crick]

Nicole,

I agree with the others in that both of you are adjusting to the new grounds of your relationship. Going from mother/daughter caretaker relationship to one of mother/daughter friends is not always an easy transition, and I agree that it's harder when living together.

I know that my relationship with my mom changed greatly when I went off to college and then moved back home for a time. Then I moved back out into my own place and it was then where we found our "new footing" so to speak.

Whether you have any misplaced anger or not adding to the situation or not, it does sound like the adjustment for both of you is harder than you might have realized. She wants to remain close and yet not realize that her asking after you is making you feel "monitored" and creates that annoyance on your part. Your pulling away makes her try even harder and on it goes. lol!

I think you have some great ways to work on things to make the relationship better and geared towards the friends aspect. I'm sure letting go is hard for her and after being the mom taking care of her baby for so long, it's an adjustment for her too. Just tell her how you feel and hopefully instead of letters back and forth, you can both have a big heart to heart.

[zxczxcasdasd]

Nicole,

For the few months I lived at home after graduating from college before moving into my own apartment, I felt the SAME WAY. I couldn't answer her questions as simple conversation, because it's like they were a challenge to my adulthood, which I would verbally assert all over the place, while at the same time knowing that as long as I was living at home, I wasn't quite there yet. And her mere presence reminded me of that not to mention questions. But instead of recognizing that, I just decided she was the most annoying person on the face of the earth. I picked out every single harmless idiosyncracy she had as some sort of assault on my senses.

While I was away from home, I could brag about my parents' awesomeness and revel in how I could talk to my mom about anything and how cool she was. While actually at home. Grrrrr.

Any trait she had that I didn't want as an adult, I just blew out of proportion immensely. I was a bit obsessed with how I did NOT want to be like my mother, especially since we were alike in many ways. Since I was a Big Bad Adult, I judged everything she did or had done that I knew I could Do Better. I didn't feel that way about my dad at all. I just thought he was a dream.

My mother was also going through depression and menopause at this same time too, so in addition to "annoying," I dismissed her as off her rocker.

I really think this is related to life stage. In fact, I seem to remember almost every one of my good friends also going through anger at their parents, even really great parents, at the same time I was. We were all pushing away and distancing ourselves, dwelling on our differences, judging their failures. I think living at home can make this stage really difficult and it's absolutely true that a little geographical distance, even a few blocks, can make a very positive difference in your relationship with your mom.

I actually remember the moment I called my mom crying and said "I'm so sorry for everything I did or said." It was the moment I felt Completely Taken For Granted As A Mom. It broke my heart, and it suddenly clicked how unmercifully I had done that to her, while she was after all, just like I was in that moment, not some sort of malfunctioning mom-machine, but a woman who did her imperfect best to love me and raise me, with all her faults, and sometimes I treated her like crap in the thwarted sense of superiority that young adulthood can bring.

I really don't look forward to going through this with J, and I sometimes wonder what he's going to find in me that will annoy him to no end, or that he can judge that He Would Do Better. DH and I sometimes joke, "I wonder what he'll hate us for?"

I think spending time with her is a great idea. But I absolutely agree with Brenda that you need to move out. You probably won't fix this entirely until you truly feel established in your own indepedent life and household, even if you don't think it's the main problem.

[paigeturner]

Oh man, Nicole, I went thru this with my oldest daughter after she lived at home briefly after graduating from college and spending time abroad. It hurt that she didn't see me as a confidant any longer. It hurt that she would snap at me for small things - of course I'd bite back. We finally encouraged both of our girls to get their own place and actually helped them make their rent the firts few months. I really think I had to face the fact that she was no longer my little girl, but her own woman.

Funny thing, I never really went through this with the youngest. Perhaps because she was 19 when she moved out with her sister.

Anyway, things are back to normal now. In fact we have Sunday night dinners together - rotating houses and we go for sushi together every other Tuesday. She calls almost every day to run something by me.

Hang in there with your mom. Things will get back to normal.

[MlynnBrrtt]

You know I had the same issue with my mom before I moved out...her simply talking to me or showing affection (she is generally an overbearing "love me, love me, love me, look at me, look at me, look at me type person anyhow) would annoy the crap out of me. Oh and if she tried to hug me with out ME initiating the hug...well that was it...it was over. For me it was feeling overwhelmed and totally and completley smouthered that made me reject her affections. I felt her affection was forced upon me...overly so...and I was guilt tripped if I didin't drop what ever I was doing to be her "best friend" at the exact moment she wanted me to be.

I agree that you need your own space. I can only take my parents in small doses and once I got my own place things got better.

I too want a healthy relationship with my mom, and went to therapy (alone) to talk out some stuff about my childhood. There are some trust issues and alot of anger and resentment on my part and denial on her part about some situations regarding my childhood. She is not healthy and I don't think we can have a good relationship until she gets herself help. I have had to sacrafice my own wants, needs, and well being for her for 22 years...and this year I decided no more. If she wants a relationship she will have to do the work and then maybe I can meet her halfway.

I think if I were in a situation where I had to move back home...I would rather be homeless...I couldn't do it. I would go insane.

[belleinblue1978]

I had to move back home for a few months when I was 24. It was great in the beginning, I was hurting and I needed mom and dad's help. By the end, man I was TIRED of it. I have never been so glad to get a job and move as I was that time.

Getting my own place was the best thing that happened to me.

[dreamangel]

Hi there,

sorry for butting in but I normally go to the foster-adoption forum but I saw this an decided to read and now reply.

I think everyone has a time in their life when their parents in general get on their nerves, just as us kids do on our parents and our parents with their parents There also comes a time when we need our space and sharing with anyone is a chore. My one piece of advice is regardless of how bad it gets there will come a time in most peoples lives when your parents will be probably the only people you will turn to for advice, help, shoulder to lay on and so on and they will be the only ones who will truly understand. I moved 4,000 miles away from home and see my parents twice a year and it makes me realise how much I miss them. My mom and i butted heads too but today at 36yrs old (today being my b-day ) my mom and dad are my heros. We only have one chance in life to make memories like no other and to cherish each other like no tomorrow. It will get better.

Good luck on your journey and God bless.

[Nicole28]

Thanks for the support!

Unfortunately, as a new college grad with only one day of a "real job" under my belt, moving out is obviously not an option. My parents paid for my college tuition out-of-pocket [no loans] and have also supported me financially since January when I left a full-time job and went back to school. SO - moving out is a step that I won't be able to take for several months because I will need to be financially able to afford rent, etc. before I even THINK about finding my own place. As it is, the next place that I move into will be a shared place with my boyfriend, so that will ease the burden of a rent somewhat I suppose.

I am going to give my Mom the letter that I wrote [with a few adjustments per your suggestions!] and then take it from there. I have been making a supreme effort just in the past two days to be more available - we spent some time talking yesterday and we spoke on the phone last night & this morning [they are up on our boat for the weekend] and I've been trying to sound extra-excited to speak with her, which I think she's picked up on. Tonight is my graduation dinner so I know she is excited to celebrate with me.

We'll see how it goes!

[Nicole28]

I just opened the Sunday paper and read an article entitled "Boomers, meet the Boomerangers," all about college grads who have decided to move home for awhile upon graduating.

It also lists a few books with advice on how to "survive" post-college cohabitation, ha.

Apparently I am not alone - more than half of the graduating class of 2008 are expected to move home for several months.