[hrisme]

I'm going through the same stage right now--recently graduated (at least, mostly) from college, which my parents paid for completely. On top of it, I am using my parent's basement rent free for my preschool program, because they were tired of seeing me so unhappy at other jobs & wanted to make this work for me. I'm unable to work full time due to emotional health issues, and while I qualify for SSI it is barely enough to cover therapy & medical bills, so moving out right now isn't possible. Everyone involved has commented that our relationship was MUCH better when I was living on my own, but for now we are making do. I'm trying (with my therapist's encouragement!) to be more open with my parents and tell them how things are really going, but there are times I struggle being an "adult child"--especially knowing what it feels like NOT to live at home and transitioning back into living with my parents. On top of things, my depression does not always make me an easy person to live with--and I take it out on my parents more than I would if I was living with roommates. It's easy to take advantage of what we have, isn't it???

I think it sounds like you are making some great headway in your relationship, writing a letter like that takes a lot of courage!

[keds]

Nicole, you are definitely not alone. All my kids are living away from home and going to school and, this summer, for the first time I decided that paying for them to stay where they are and live independently is the best decision for all of us. I too am paying for their school - no loans - because I don't want them to be as burdened as I was and they appreciate it (or I think they do! ha ha).

It's very hard to have a taste of freedom living away at school (even if it is just which way the toilet paper hangs) and then have to move back. I can't recall who said it but "you can't go home again". If you must move back in (and I did and it was hell) you're taking the right approach. Hopefully, your mom will realize you're an adult now (mine still have a hard time and I'm 46). I think my experience with my family is helping me be more tolerant, for lack of a better word, and the extra $$ it is costing me to have my kids live independently is doubled in the joy we share when getting together and your letter is "spot on".

I have other fires to put out at the moment but I know that my kids don't think I love them less for having them stay where they are (after all, we have to pay rent for a full year). They actually come home almost every weekend and we do the plays, movies, etc. because we aren't at each other's throats the rest of the time.

Anyway, I do hope you can adapt and that a compromise is reached and you have the mother-daughter relationship that I feel you deserve.