[loveis]

Why do we search, why do we form relationships with our birth families? What do we need that we didn't get from our adoptive families? WHY Reunion???? What is it that was missing??

I have become a little frustarted lately with a thread that someone started so I thought I would go straight to the source....adoptees, to find out why we do these things and what we hope to gain.

So here are my answers, I would love to hear from others since this is all confusing for me and others.

I did not search (long story there so will skip to the point of the thread), I thought that once a person gives up their child they have no right to see that child again, I was pretty vehement about this. If you would have asked me that a day before I heard from my bmom I would have said that exact thing. I didn't believe in open adoption and really am not a big fan of adoption sorry to say.

When I first talked to my bmom I connected, for the first time in my life, I connected, the hole that was inside of me was suddenly gone, it was amazing. I couldn't believe the feeling. I have been in reunion almost 8 months, I have a whole new family in my life. I have two Mother's, both have a seperate role in my life. I am at peace for the first time in my life. But I am also at war, in my head, reunion I think just is hard and there are so many thoughts and feelings you never know, as an adoptee, should I be having?? Should I love my bmom even though she gave me up? Would my life have been better if she didn't? What if, what if, what if? You can never really understand what it feels like unless you are an adoptee in reunion.

You can also never understand why we need this unless you are an adoptee. I don't even think we understand why we need this, I sure don't. But down to the core of my soul I do need it. It is as inherent to me as breathing, if that makes any sense. Why do I need it, BECAUSE I JUST DO. My family, is my family, my Mom and Dad are going to always be my Mom and Dad, and what I couldn't get from them is something they could have NEVER given me, a bond, a connection with my bmom. A feeling of understanding to every depth of my being who I am, where I came from and that is a feeling that is worth going through every war that goes on in my head. This takes nothing away from my family, if it does then it is on their part not mine. I have added to my life, I have added a family that I can be a part of and who love me and my son, why is that bad? Is it bad because 38 years ago she made a decision and she has no right to change her mind about, people change their minds all of the time. She didn't come and take me back, she justs wants to be a part of my life. How is that bad??

What was missing, was ME. I can't state it more simply than that.

Reunion is hard, it is confusing and sometimes I want to yell game over! BUT I wouldn't trade it for the world. No words can describe why I need this, I JUST DO!

Maybe some adoptees can explain better, I would love to hear it!

Thanks!

[shadow riderer]

I think you said it very well. We just "need" to. Even though niether of my reunions with bio parents have exactly worked out, even with all the pain and rejection, even though I feel like they have abandond me a second time, I would do it again. They are "my" family. I love them, just as I love my adoptive family.

...and you are right. It is unexplainable. It is just the way it is. My bio parents will probably not be a part of my life by their own choices, for their own reasons and issues, but finding them and, at least trying to build a relationship, filled something inside me that I can't explain. I'm hurt, and I'm angry, but I now know all there is to know about me. I hope that makes sense.

[CJaneG]

The old adage "blood is thicker than water" meant nothing to me till I found my birth family. Suddenly the bonds I had witnessed all my life between family members made sense. The concept had been pretty meaningless, emotionally, till that point.

I did not plan to look for my birth family. I knew others did, but I never took the extra step to realize it was something I could do, too. If asked, I would quite honestly reply that I had only a mild curiosity about my birth family.

Then my parents died. On my first day back at work after my father's funeral I was in the lunchroom, alone. I picked up the phone, got the number I needed for the post adoption registry, and had them send me the forms to register for a search. Afterward I sat back down and said to myself, "Where on earth did that come from?"

Since that day, now 21 years ago, I have come to realize how much I needed to know who I was, where I came from, and the people who were related to me. My adoptive family is a good one and there was no secret about the fact of my adoption, but their silence beyond that point taught me it was not okay to wonder. It was not okay to need to know. So I buried it in a pit together with all the grief a baby can feel when her mother disappears, and put a big heavy stone on top.

One day my younger maternal half-brother phoned me, after six years of cautious letters back and forth. That phone call blew the lid off the pit and I spend months dealing with the grief and pain that came out. To say this was an emotional roller coaster is an understatement. I met my brother five months after that phone call and, since he was raised by our mutual mother (who had died several years earlier), he poured as much of her into me as was possible in a five day visit.

Six weeks later I met our older brother for the first time. He was also surrendered for adoption. We had spoken on the phone several times and I wasn't sure I liked him, but when we met and his arms went around me, I loved him from that second. I knew him. Nothing I have learned about him in the years since then has surprised me. He is the man I knew him to be the first time I touched him. I might not believe in love at first sight, but I have experienced love at first touch.

We can't explain the bond we have but, six years later, it's just as strong as it was the day we met.

As to why a woman would give up a child ... often it wasn't much of a choice. No welfare available, no way to pay for child care on a low income job, often no family support, a family who pressures a very young woman into doing what she really doesn't want to do, social workers who do the same thing because the current wisdom was that a baby is a blank slate and removing it from its mother won't hurt it ... there are many reasons. Many women simply couldn't face the shame of having a baby with no husband. Things 38 years ago were starting to change but they hadn't changed all that much.

I suspect she didn't want to do it, but didn't feel she had any alternatives. Have you asked her?

[Longtimewaiting]

Though this thread is directed at adoptees, as a bmom I'm sorry to butt in. CJaneG, you are so right when you made your statement about why would a women give up her baby--in someways we didnt have a choice.

I didnt want to give up my baby. I honestly felt like I had a gun to my head, and I had already been thru so much with my parents with my pregnancy, it was a mess. Now move on 25 years later, and my mother is dying from breast cancer and telling me that they were wrong in demanding that I place my child for adoption. I remember my body instantly running ice cold. Here was my mother, Im thinking that she doesnt understand the depth of my pain and shes apologizing on her deathbed. The emotions and feelings of pain, anger, hurt are all returning and returning with a vengence. That was 7 years ago. I did find her birthfather (and have been in contact with his parents) and told him that I wanted to find our daughter, he told me not to. Im hoping that this is the year that I can pay CHS to find her.

[carolynppk]

Why did I search. I never felt like if you give up a child you have no rights to them ever. Maybe it was because my mother was a social worker and always let me know that my bmother was very young and loved me so much that she put me above all else, even above what she may have wanted because she wanted to give me two prents and a chance, something a young 16 year old could not have given me (especially back in 1965). I have always felt love and respect for my bmother. I have never been angry or mad that she placed me.

I never wanted to search. I felt I didn't have the right to disrupt her life. After all she did for me and gave me, what right did I have to come into her life and say, "Hey, it's me!" She had probably married and had children of her own. She was so young when she had me, maybe she never told her husband or children about me.

Something after I had my last child, when I was 38 just hit me and it was so important to me to find her. I wanted her to know she did the right thing, that I was okay and that I was not angry or resentful about being placed. It was very important to me to let her know that. What if I had been the only child she ever had? I just had to let her know.

I don't know when being a part of her became so important. It just did. And while my mom was always my mom, nothing could ever change that-how do you erase all that history?-I was very drawn to Diane, because here was a piece of me that had been missing for 40 years. A piece of a puzzle that everyone else has and that many take for granted. The piece of where I ame from, what I am made up of, my history my chemistry.

It also changed my perspective. I had always thought anyone can have a baby, it takes so much more to be a mom. I didn't mean that in a mean way, it was just what I thought. After talking with my bmom, through my adoption agency, she kept saying she wasn't my mom, my amom was. Well, I know that!!! But for the first time I realized, through all the wonderful bmoms here, that she carried me for nine months, she took care of me at all costs, she made sure that I came before all else. Isn't that what a mom does, isn't that what a mom is? So while she is not the mom that raised me, she is not the mom that was there day in and day out through the good, the bad and the ugly. SHe is my mom, she is the mom that loved me enough to take care of me, give me life and give me up. SHe is my first mom. I will always love her for that.

Carolyn

[hrisme]

I searched because I wanted to know where I came from. I wasn't really looking for a relationship, just a glimpse into my biological heritage. Also, for answers as to why I had been placed--though you hear all the time "she did it out of love", it is still difficult to believe that it's not because I was unlovable or unwanted. Come to find out, in my case, she very much DID want me, and did not choose to place--the state policy at that time was any child born to someone in the state hospital would be placed either in a relative placement or an adoptive placement.

I did not choose to pursue a relationship with my birthmother. One reason is because of her diagnosis of schizophrenia, but more than that (as evidenced by the fact that I have not kept up a relationship with my birthfather's siblings, who were ready to welcome me into the family) I was still dealing with severe attachment & trust issues, and just wasn't able to form the complicated relationships of adjusting to the new dynamics. However, I DID do extensive family history, even flying to New York to dig through archives to find information on my birthmother's father and his siblings, who had been raised in an orphanage. While I didn't find many answers, I did get a sense of my biological heritage, and for me that fulfilled my needs.

I'm also not a "fan" of adoption, frankly I consider it a necessary evil. Unfortunately, there are circumstances in this world that result in children without parents, and far too often the only rational solution to that is adoption. Because of this, I have supported efforts to find children adoptive families--but only after every other possible option has been exhausted.

I bristle when people tell me how "lucky" I am to be adopted. I am, without question, lucky to have a loving, supportive family (who happen to be my adoptive family), and I am lucky in the sense that this stability probably prevented me from having more severe mental health issues than I have now. However, I will NEVER consider myself lucky to have gone through the traumatic experience of being separated at birth from my biological heritage, betrayed by the "system", and left with intense feelings of abandonment, grief, and loss that I was never allowed to express because of societies expectations. I'm sorry, I just don't see how I am supposed to be THANKFUL for that.

OK, hopping off my soap box!

[Jan18]

Carolyn:

I could have written exactly what you wrote! Actually, you made my eyes well up a bit.

I put off searching for years. I always wanted to know who I looked like...wanted to maybe find my bmom and hide in her bushes to sneak a look. I got the paper work ready for my state's adoption registry several times, but never turned it in. I never thought it was worth the 50 bucks I'd have to pay to register.

Skip ahead many years, I gave birth to my daughter. Of course I waited 9 months hoping to have a relative who looked like me, and she comes out looking like her father (she now clearly resembles MY family and looks very much like my bmom when she was little)!

In those first hours/days as a new mother, I cried and wondered what it was like for my bmom the days in the hospital with me. Did she get to hold me? How long were we together? Why hadn't she tried to find me? Oh the hormones were raging, but it was in those early days of motherhood that I started the thought process of trying to find my bfamily. I wanted my bmom to know I was alright, that I had a wonderful life, that I was so grateful that she thought about me enough to give me a chance that I probably wouldn't have had if she would have raised me.

Reunion was tough in the beginning. There were a few months that I really thought we would never talk again. Once we got over the hump, I am happy to say that we have a wonderful relationship. I love her so much. I feel like I have always known her. It is funny. I've only been in reunion for 3 years and it is like she has always been in my life! Weird!

Why do we do it.......we just HAVE to!