[DebsW]

I have a question for Birth Moms or Birth Fathers in reunion, if you knew or had suspicions that your baby had been given (through adoption) to Aparents who did not do the best job at parenting would you want to know?

How much would you want to know? Would you ask the questions or would you wait to see if your son/daughter shared?

If you thought your son/daughter was not sharing because they did not want you to feel badly about the adoption would you ask for the history of the way they were raised? How their childhood was etc.

Thanks

DSW

[Jackiejdajda]

I would take my time.. I would make sure I was strong enough to be able to handle what had happened..

I would learn about my guilt and process it.. so I am standing on firm ground..
I would seek therapy for myself to have someone I could go to if I could not handle the information..

I would make sure the information was given in a very strong safe environment..

Jackie

[Oceans]

I'm not in reunion, but I have thought about this a lot. I guess it would come out in time if a relationship was built.

Would I want to know? Yes, but over time. Laying it on me all at once might be too much.

Would I feel guilt? Hard to say because I'm not there but much of my self-work has been around the fact that I had no control. I had nothing to do with choosing his family and I don't feel guilty about choosing adoption. I wish things could have been different but given what I had to work with at the time, I don't feel guilt.

I like to think all I can do is be there for him if that's what he wants. I can't change the past. But I can be the person he needs me to be going forward.

If it were something he wanted to share, then I hope he wouldn't hold back out of fear of hurting my feelings. Adoption has/had enough secrets and those secrets always end up biting us in the end...

[kdecrow]

I don't believe in spanking. I wonder if he was spanked. I'll never know because he deceased before I found him.

Major guilt here. Oh, what if???

Kim

[LisaMarie88]

Thank you for this post. I was going to post something similar. Thank you for all your replies

[DebsW]

Thanks everyone for sharing. I have been thinking about this for a while now.

Bmom and I are very close. She is such a good person. She has welcomed me with open arms, as has most everyone in my two birth families.

I have many struggles with Aparents and the way I was raised. Adad has passed away and Amom is difficult regarding bfamily.

In the two years that we have been in reunion I have shared some things, not all at once but it is obvious that there was a lot of emotional abuse.

Bmom has just recently told me that she does not want to know any more. I have not shared much with her anyway and I have sanitized a lot of it.

I want to talk to her about how she feels. She is not one to dwell on her feelings as she feels she does not want to burden anyone with them. She wants peace and harmony which I understand but I really feel she would get a lot out of releasing some of her emotions.

I have assured her that I am not going anywhere, she can feel angry, sad, whatever and my feelings for her will not change.

I wonder if I should sit her down and just try to have a heart to heart. I have attempted this in the past but she keeps the conversations on a light path, nothing to serious.

Anyone have any suggestions of what I can say to help her open up, or should I just let it go and always wonder how she feels?

DSW

[Jackiejdajda]

She may not know how she feels.. She may not be able to sort the complicated emotions involved with learning that all was not well in your life..

Jackie

[RavenSong]

Deb, I am sorry that your bmom has told you she doesn't want to know about how you were raised. It sounds to me like she's really afraid of facing her own feelings and coming to terms with the fact that you were abused.

When I first reunited with my son, he had just turned 18 y/o. He hadn't lived in his aparents' home since the age of 14. He had been placed in various psychiatric facilities, group homes, and foster homes throughout his adolescence. So I knew there were some serious problems between DS and his parents right off the bat.

About a year or so into the reunion, it was obvious to me that there had been a lot of emotional abuse in his early childhood. There had also been a fair share of physical abuse involved. I let my son tell me about it on his own timetable, although I did gently question him about it when I could see that he was struggling to tell me. I think he was relieved when I brought the subject up...his emotions and experiences came flooding out of him like a tidal wave.

I really believe it was at that point in time that my son began healing. It was imperative to him that I know what he had suffered as a child. Initially I was overwhelmed with anger and grief, although I was careful not to show it in front of him.

We bmoms here were talking about this subject on another thread about a week ago or so. In that thread, I wrote that I never felt guilty about the actual abuse my son endured. I felt enraged, betrayed by the adoption agency, heartbroken...but not guilty. I was not the one who abused my son. I relinquished him in good faith...a sacred trust. I believed the adults and authority figures when they told me that my baby would be far better off in a two-parent home, with parents who were more mature and financially stable than myself. They told me that he would be loved, protected, and treasured. They were wrong, just plain wrong....

I hope your birthmom comes to a place in her own mind where she can truly listen to you and acknowledge what you went through. I'm so glad that my own son trusted me enough to share his pain with me. I think it's only normal that you want your bmom to know that you've had your own pain, too. Hang in there, kiddo...and give her some time.

[keds]

Deb, it seems your bmom and I are polar opposites! I do hope she finds the strength to allow you to share. My bson hasn't "opened up" yet but it's early days. Although I'm not sure how I would handle hearing anything but sunshine and lollipops, my other kids tell me that I "can handle anything". As I sit here tonight having a "bad one" - not so sure. Anyway, I've evolved over the last 28 years and I'm hopeful for you and your bmom. I think it takes time and space. I would let her know how you're feeling. I think we all try and protect each other, sometimes when what we truly want is someone to let us be ourselves and let our pain show through. I know I've held back because I don't want my son to know how I've felt for the last 28 years, which is slightly hypocritical as I want him to open up to me! Life's hard but we have to stick with it. Time and space. I wish you both well.

[DebsW]

Thanks Raven and Keds. You both put it in much better words than I could. I really don't want my mom to feel guilty. I want her to understand and to just know. I am a true believer in placing the responsibiliy of ones actions at the person or persons, so I will never blame her for what amom and adad ever did or said to me. I know also that the agency really dropped the ball. I have even told her that they let her down and me down.

But it was the 60's, so all you needed were the recommendations from your church and doctor, and if you are the minister so much better to get your babies.

Ok, sounding to cynical there I know.

I will hope for the day she asks me the questions.

DSW

[Jackiejdajda]

RavenSong

We bmoms here were talking about this subject on another thread about a week ago or so. In that thread, I wrote that I never felt guilty about the actual abuse my son endured. I felt enraged, betrayed by the adoption agency, heartbroken...but not guilty. I was not the one who abused my son. I relinquished him in good faith...a sacred trust. I believed the adults and authority figures when they told me that my baby would be far better off in a two-parent home, with parents who were more mature and financially stable than myself. They told me that he would be loved, protected, and treasured. They were wrong, just plain wrong....

I think the fact that you were relinquished in the sixties is part of this DebsW..
Some women did not seek help..(I know Raven and I did seek help) some women never spoke about the trauma of giving a child up.. and the bad thoughts kept going around and around in their heads.. no outside input..(that was what I did from /65 to /85)

Raven what you write here is so incredibly important.. it gave me an ‘aha’ moment in that other thread.. and understanding..
I felt guilt when I gave my son up .. I gave him up from a place of guilt.. I had shamed everyone or would shame everyone if anyone other than my parents knew.. Shame and guilt was my manipulator.. and that darn fake wedding ring..

Its so wrong.. to think that we are responsible for all of this.. I have moment of clarity when I think I have sorted this but then I sink back when the depression comes at me.. And heck I have not had to sort this particular issues because my bson seems just fine..
But I really do not know.. he has never ever opened up to me and he is in his forties now so I do not think it will ever happen.. so I can be blissfully unaware..

But we did give our babies over to a trust.. a trust in our fellow man/woman.. We did do this and if the child was abused or neglected then its not on us IMO.. we did the very best we could.. and heck the redeeming thing was the prime directive back then..
We were redeemed and the child was put into a bad place.. Its absurd.. Its surface thinking to the nth degree..
But some of us still buy into it.. not on terms of giving your child up and you will be redeemed.. but.. the old thinking like the crowd is thinking.. the society as a whole is thinking.. fantasy thinking..

Crap..

Jackie

[Mockingbird]

Yes, I would want to know: I would want my child to tell me, because I think that is a burden to have to carry alone. It can mean understanding why they act or react certain ways. It can help to explain depression. I would not pry by bringing it up; but certainly would want to hear whatever they had to say.

[JustPeachy]

It would upset me greatly if I found out my son grew up with aparents who were not good parents. I realize that "good parents" is relative, and no parent is perfect. I'm not expecting perfection, just that he had a stable upbringing, and was not abused or neglected in any way. I know there can be things that go on behind closed doors that you don't read about in updates or letters (I have semi-open), but from what I do know about my son's family, I'm very happy with how he was raised. If I found out things were not as they seemed on paper, I would want to know, but I would definitely need time to process this. I think the knowledge would overwhelm me and upset me greatly if something terrible did happen. Still, I'd want the truth, when/if my son was ready to disclose that to me.

[DebsW]

Well, my situation is basically this, through talk therapy and medication I have learned that amother is not to ever be trusted again. We had been emotionally abused, borderline physical abuse, but aparents were in very respectable professions so they looked great on paper, very "christian".

I am mourning the fact that the woman who raised me is adament that we (she and I) were not a good match and that every bad thing I did as a child or adult for that matter I do because I want to "get back at her". I don't know what it is I am trying to get back at her about, I just know that she is not nice. I told my therapist that I verbalized to myself that my amom was a "b&%ch" and she suggest she was a "manipulative b&%ch"

That said a lot to me. I feel like I don't have a mom anymore, the one who raised me was very self centered and my bmom and I are still getting to know each other, even after two years and she does not want to know about how sad I feel, and lost and lonely. I think she just can't take it, it hurts her to much.

DSW

[bprice215]

Well from what little my daughter shared with me she was and had a very good happy childhood. She does love her aparents and I believe they love her. Essentially she was raised as I would have raised her, and yes I would want to know all the sordid details surronding your inital question.
bprice215