[zeus]

Ive been searching 4my birth family for the last 10 years and I just recently found out that the records they have on me might not be my true records. This news has been quite devastateing to me cause now all those things I thought might be are slowly comming true. I had a sneaking suspicion that my records might have been false cause it was so difficult to get any info on my birth. Now my suspicions are beeing confirmed. No wonder I couldnt get any straight answers from the agency that processed my adoption.
I was always afraid my B-mom dumped me on a step and just left me there. I wonder what was going on in her life that caused her to make such a drastic decision? Since Im from Korea it makes things all the more difficult. If I were able to atleast see where I was when I was 5 and take some steps backward maybe I could begin to recall some things for myself, but since it costs so much to go there I cant afford to. I joined the Navy when I was about 20 just to see if I could get stationed over there but I had no such luck. Now Im out and have no other means of getting there.
People tell me I need to let this go, but if they were in my shoes Im sure they would say differently. I know somewhere in this messed up brain of mine I have memories of my childhood cause I do have specific memoreis of when I was a child. I remember always thinking about my MOM and wondering when she was comming to get me. I remember when I would be moved from one orphanage to another, thinking I was going home. I remember the day I was adopted being so excited cause I thought I was truely, finaly going home. I remeber when I landed at the Philly airport thinking I was home and that I would see my mom shortly. I was so excited. Ive never felt that excitement since and I think if I could get to Korea I just might feel that again!
So tell me if you were in my shoes, knowing what I know could you let it go and move on.
Yes I know I must do the footwork to get to my goal and Ive tried and tried so many times Im at the point I want to give up. I know of course I wont cause since I was that little 5 year old kid this is all Ive wanted to do, but the sad fact is my A-parents were not to good at teaching me how to attain my goals and the steps I would need to take. They werent to good at teaching me how to deal my abandonment issues, actually they ignored that and made it worse by telling me I was worthless. Thats a whole nother story and Ive posted several posts about that side of my life.
So you tell me am I just a glutten for punishment thinking I can ever resolve these issues or do I persavier and keep doing what Im doin? How Do I stop this feeling of worthlessness and accept that I was unwanted and even to this day still unwanted? I know my A-parents do not want to associate with me unless I forget my past and ignore my issues, and at this moment in time that nearly an impossible task. So I live on and continue feeling unaccepted. I continue to try to accept myself as I am, but man that is hatd when all your life you werent accepted by anyone. I dont know about anyone else but doing all that, acceptnce and moveing on, seems to me a nearly a futile undertakeing.
So do me a favor if your going to post about how I need to accept myself and move on dont bother cause Ive heard all that before and if it hasnt taken by now its not going to until I can resolve my issues. I dont want to hear that junk cause your not in my shoes and if you have been in my shoes feel free to let me know what you think!!!
If your going to tell me the usual stuff about how life is what I make it and that I need to learn to love myself SAVE it cause Ive heard all that to and its crud!!! Typicaly the only people that can say that are those that grew up with parents that they felt secure with and knew that they were loved. I didnt have that and yes Im basicaly feeling sorry for myself but if I dont who the heck will. I dont recall ever being picked up and hugged like you would by a parent or family member that makes you feel like hey this person loves me and they are going to take care of me. My life has been full of disappointments and continues to be that way and yes there are times that I can say things have gone my way but they are few and far between. I dont know of to many individuals that can go through life that way and say hey well life has given me crud so lets make flowers out of it, and if you have been through a life like mine tell me how you got through it cause I would like to know!!!

[bajj]

I am not in your shoes and will not pretend that I understand what you are going through. I do, however, know and am rather close to 2 people who are in your shoes. They were both left on doorsteps at orphanages. They were both adopted by an American family. They both had lousy childhoods, just like the bio kids in the family did.

I know it has affected each of them differently. I can't really tell you how much of it is being adopted or how much was being raised by our parents.

I've always thought my sisters were very much loved by their first families. I don't know their stories and neither do they, but this is what I personally choose to believe, as does at least one of my sisters. i believe their parents were not able to care for them. I believe they loved them enough that they left them where they would be found, and where they would be taken care of. I believe if they weren't wanted or loved, they would not have left them on a door step, but in a dumpster somewhere.

You can choose to believe what you want to. As for my oldest sister and I, we choose have always believed the above about her and my other sister, too. They were left on 2 different orphanages (they are not bio sisters). One was older and she is, btw, the one who chooses to believe she was loved.

My other sister feels she wasn't wanted, but does not express a whole lot of anger about it. She works 80 hours a week and I do wonder how much of it stems from all of this.

I hope you are able to find some peace.

[Jackiejdajda]

zeus I want to post that I read your post and feel so sorry that this happened to you.. so very sorry..

It must be beyond difficult..

Jackie

[Mardan]

Zeus,
I have no idea what you are going through right now as my perspective is one of being the adoptive mother to two wonderful Guatemalan blessings. I just wanted to let you know I will be praying and hoping you get your issues resolved I can't imagine going through what you are at this time.

Julie (proud mom to a 4 year old princess and a 28 month old prince)

[zeus]

I appreciate your words and would like to converse more but at the moment I need to go so hopefully I can chat another day!