[lilolil]

Hi guys

I got married to an amazing man 7 months ago. He is the most kind hearted person I have ever met. He is undoubtedly the love of my life... but... for some reason I feel like I drag him down. We argue a bit, and it really gets to me. It's mostly about tiny little insignificant things but they become huge arguments because of how we handle our reactions. I know it's not completely my fault but I'm so ashamed and feel like if it wasn't for me, he would be happy.

I was adopted when I was 2 months old. My bmother was 19 when she had me, 18 when she got pregnant. Adoption has NEVER been an issue for me. Until now.

Some of us don't feel "adopted" as in... I haven't missed out on anything. I'm not saying being adopted makes u miss out on things but I see chat shows particularly american ones on TV where people claim to have always longed for their birth mother. Here in Ireland in the circumstances that I was raised in, it must be different because I never felt an automatic connection to my birth mother. My issues surrounding adoption didn't begin until we met.

I met my birth mother when I was 18 - she had been searching for me for years. She worried that i was being abused, beaten up, neglected and all these other really scary thoughts. I have had an extremely normal upbringing. I was never exposed to any kind of voilence or abuse. To me, the idea of this was shocking. I could not understand what she meant.

It turns out, the her life was plagued by abuse, rape, violence, and she suffered from depression. Most of these problems did not start until after she gave me up for adoption. As i said I was 18. I am a particularly down to earth person. I wanted to help her and although I found her stories very dramatic they never really impacted on me that much. Some of the reasons for this was because with every passing day there were bits of stories added on, and taken away. i'd hear different versions of stories depending on who was listening, how much she'd drunk, or how long it'd been since she'd last told it. I was beginning to wonder if it was true.

Regardless of whether it was or not, it was allowing her to vent so I would just listen and try to help. I suggested counselling which she found very patronising and accused me of not listening because she had been to every shrink she could find. She'd taken every anti- depressant out there etc etc. This carried on for 4 years...

My ex boyfriend just broke up with me and I had had a holiday planned with him to spain. When he clearly wasn't coming, my bmother offered to come. Maybe I should've stopped her... I firmly believe I am a bit of a push over... anyway we went to spain and i met more family and relatives. On this trip I met her sister (E) who apparently had wanted to raise me as her own. I never knew about any of this until I met her and was told over a few vodkas... I was completely overwhelmed. My bmother told me no one would help her, no body wanted me apart from her and it was her families fault that she was forced to give me away.

This woman's eldest daughter (N) ran a karaoke business in the local bars. I am a very good singer and on this holiday we would go to the bars she was gigging in and i would get up and sing a few songs. N is about 4 years older than me and she was extremely jealous of me. The snide remarks and blatantly leaving me out was very apparent and I was tired of pretending to like her. One night her mother, E (My bmothers sister) asked me if I liked her and I explained how she was treating me. She said her daughter can be very jealous and to ignore it and she'd have a word with her. Since then things improved. She asked me another night if I noticed a change and I said I had and had gotten things wrong and that N was in fact very nice. My bmother overheard this conversation. When we returned to the apartment we were staying in, she roared at me asking why I had spoken to her family like that. She had had far too much to drink and was ranting and raving. I HATE confrontation and all I could do was cry, at first. Then i began to feel angry. I had spent 4 years wiping this woman's tears. Why shouldn't I have my feelings heard for once. I told her E had been really nice and we'd sorted a few things out. I was bawling crying and saying that I had done everything I could to try to understand where she was coming from over the past 4 years.

I tried to explain my feelings and she ran upstairs and slammed the doors. This woman was 41 and I was 22. This isn't something I should be dealing with. I begged her to come back downstairs which she eventually did and I just feel like I let her walk all over me that night. The following day she was ice cold with me. I couldn't stop crying. I apologised to E who threw her arms around me and said she had loved getting to know me. She was the first person I felt I had a connection with from the entire family. My bmother has another daughter whose younger than me and was always very shy and I never really bonded with her. I put this down to her being so young when we met (She was 11) and probably felt threatened.

I have other family living in the same area of Spain (My adoptive family) who I stayed with until my flight left. I stayed with them for 3 nights. When I got to the airport my birth mother wasn't there and I texted her to see if she was ok because she has a fear of flying. She said she was staying on for another week. I came home and I haven't seen her since. I wrote to her begging for an explanation. That night in Spain she blurted out how i'd ruined her life and she wished she'd never met me. It still gets to me now. What had I ever done on her? I didn't ask for this situation - it was her doing and she was still taking it out on me. It's not fair??

I have seen counsellors who asked me to write to her which I've done. In the past 3 years I get a courtesy text now and then, or an Xmas card but never any real time communication with her. i've never tried to ring her because I don't tink she'll answer. She has never apologised or explained what happened in Spain. I have never seen any of the rest of the family again either nor heard from them. Funnily enough N is the only one who ever messages me on my website - the very odd time. It breaks my heart that all this has happened.

Why is she calling the shots? Does she not want to get to know me? I am not saying all my problems stem from being adopted... of course not. However I completely changed in the past 7 years when all the adoption stuff came up and I was introduced to long lost family etc.
Yes i'm angry - and it's not because I want to be. it's because it's so so difficult to come to terms with and it affects my marriage, my career, relationships with people in more ways than I even realised. I am only now beginning to identify the issues I have. I have found this website incredibly supportive since I joined.

Another thing worth mentioning is that I had problems growing up with my mam (Adoptive mother) I was always blamed on a lot of things and would go up to my bedroom and cry and be alone and no one would come near me to see if I was ok. This might be an irish thing but my brother was allowed to get away with murder and my mam always felt like she was never appreciated. What this means now is she's always giving out about either myself or my brother to anyone who'll listen (including my husband) ok the reason i'm telling u this is... this whole thing has made me defensive in arguments - fault no 1

But the whole thing that happened with bmother has made me so self conscious and insecure it's unreal. I keep thinking in these arguments with my husband that he'll leave me. and to be honest I wouldn't blame him. Sometimes I think I'm a nightmare to live with.

I have no idea who I am anymore... I don't know how to handle the way I feel. I feel like i'm ruining my marriage and this man is a saint for taking on someone with as many issues as me. I cry alllll the time from the slightest of things. I am incedibly angry. it frightens me how angry i feel sometimes... this is something I've felt since I was a teenager. I hate being this person and I don't know where to turn for help.

My husband has become defensive and often tuts and throws his eyes up to heaven when we argue which sends me crazy. He says he was never defensive before he met me. I feel so lost - I am terrified of losing him and sometimes I think I need to be alone to sort myself out.

I don't particularly enjoy my job - it's well paid but not the path I wanted to go down. I wish I could start over again with a new career, new life, new drection. I know my husband loves me and I love him but I feel like i've so many issues that i'll ruin it for myself.
Does anybody else feel this way? I've gotten a lot better about trusting my husband and he's away a bit because he plays rugby on a semi professional level and I used to feel terrible lonely when he'd be away but now I don't feel as bad as often. I still feel like a burden to him. I want to feel confident again and secure about myself.

[winter444]

Your post really touched me and brought me to tears.
When I had contact with my bmom I was a complete mess, so many emotions come to the surface it's terrible.
You have (and still are) going through so much, honestly I know exactly how you feel, my bmom also accused me of ruining her life, (how nice) you are so right we have done nothing to deserve this. With my bmom it was all about her feelings and never mine, I could hardly function somedays, I felt and still do sometimes just awful about it all. why this,why that, I drove myself crazy. I'm so angry too but I don't want to be, I want to go back to being the person I was before, sorry to go on about me but I really want you to know I understand you, I know your heart is broken.
I know someone will have some good advice for you and I will check back, for right now here comes many hugs.... take care.

[winter444]

It's me again, just wanted to say you haven't done anything, a few people told me it's how our bmom's deal with all this but it still hurts.

[Mockingbird]

lilolil, I'm so sorry about your birthmother. It has to be pretty tough going. Tendency to depression can be genetic and you may be depressed. It sounds like you have quite a bit of stress on you and I think a lot of adoptees have abandonment issues. When you feel like you're being pushed from all sides, something has to give.

[keds]

lilolil, (((hugs)))

I read your post and I get so angry (as a bmom) when I hear that our kids have been told they "ruined" our lives. My bson made my life. What I did, or how I chose to deal with my pregnancy and placement, were my decisions - only I am responsible for my life and the path I chose afterwards, good and bad. My God, how can anyone else be responsible for the decisions and the life I chose to lead?!

It is so easy for us to lay blame at someone else's door and, if they, like you, are compassionate and caring, they will accept the blame and it somehow makes us feel better and, as you have realized, them feel worse. You can't "own" your bmom's problems. I know, easier said than done. I am so sorry that you've had to deal with all of this and I can't offer any advice other than to protect your heart and as someone once said to me, even if they say the love you, if all they bring to your life is pain, it isn't worth their love.

As for getting back to who you are, well, we can't go home again but we can decide where we want to go and who we want to be with. I've never been a fan of counselling, betrayed one to many times. For me, I had a long hard cry and then I sat down and took a long hard look at my life. I have a great job (great money, but, like you not what I saw myself doing). Unfortunately, with 2 kids in university I can't quit so I'm taking courses part time so I eventually can change careers. It's hard to change but it is harder to stay angry and feel lousy about myself too.

I am on the other side however, bmom not adoptee, so I can't imagine how difficult it is for you and I don't feel comfortable trying to offer advice other than, take the time to figure out what you want, who you want to be part of your life and don't feel badly if that means some people, including your bmom, aren't it's your choice - even if they aren't communicating with you at the moment. If they choose to cut you out of their lives - it's their loss, not yours. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt but don't let their hang-ups ruin your life. Like your amom - what people say and what is the truth are sometimes very different. I've found that arguing only fuels the fire. State your case, i.e. I'm not going to continue to participate in these petty arguments, and then leave it be. We can't control what others say or do - just how we react. I have had to cut my parents out of my life for the time being because their games and condescending talk were making me feel worse about myself so I said NO MORE. It seems to be working and they are "getting it".

I hope you can do so as well and realize that you need to decide what you want. Is there an underlying medical condition (depression) that should be treated (I was diagnosed but managed to overcome without meds). Also, a question to ask yourself - do I want to change and more importantly, am I ready. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is make the decision to change.

Sorry for the long post, I think you're on your way in that you recognize things have to be different - life's too short to always be angry and sad. I wish you all the best and if you want to, feel free to PM me.

Kate

[lilolil]

Hi guys

Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it. I have been in tears writing reading and re-reading my post. I am so happy (Not thrilled other ppl are suffering) but that the way I feel has a name. Yes I do think I might have slight depression... taboo subject. I told my husband I posted on the website, though he's not read it yet as he's away but I said when i get some money - maybe next yr, I'll look into seeing a counsellor (Which in Ireland isn't easy esp. an adoption counsellor) to sort my head out. We're getting a mortgage and apartment at the moment.

I truly appreciate ur comments - and I know my post is extremely long thanks again.
I've never been very good at "cutting people out" Again i think it's because of low self esteem like i'll be missing out on something... but i think when all these issues are sorted out it will make me stronger =)