[lynn0614]

This is my first time doing anything like this. My boyfriend gave me the link in hopes of helping me find answers and support. I met my birth mother and that was a true let down. My birth father is dead. I know that my birth mother gave away another daughter in IN, but know nothing more. I have a half - sister on this side, who has had a terrible life and I have 3 lovely halves on the other side. So there is this really big family that I don't feel a part of. Things keep coming up for me, all sorts, and I really test my partner and anyone who is close to me. My mom says I don't know how to be happy, that whenever I am I look for a way to destroy it. I feel like something is missing. I don't like seeing the similarities between parents and children becuase it hurts and I have an amazing partner with children. I see him and his ex in his kids and it REALLY REALLY hurts. I don't know where to begin with this healing. I have consciously not filled the hole with kids or food or addictions, but I have made it a practice to rescue animals, which I realize is to try to rescue myself. I feel like I'm on a mission to advocate for anything without a voice. I want to relax, release, forgive, and let go, but I don't know how. I was told by someone the other day that I need to forgive myself for hating this woman. I know that I have taken out my feelings toward her on my own body by having women issues of my own. I don't know what to do next. I have answers, but they don't seem to be enough. I am so scared to be close. I feel like no one really understands. I feel like I complain to much or that people will feel like I'm looking for sympathy. I just don't know how to close the gap. And this relationship, with a man with children, is challenging me even more. All of the kid issues are coming up and I pull, push, and test. I am exhausted and haven't been enjoying too much. On the days I let go for a bit, banal things come up and knock me off center and all of the emotions surface. It is a real buzz kill for those around me. I don't want to stuff it, but don't know what to do next. Please, if you have any ideas, I'd love to hear them. I really do want help to heal. Thank you.

[JustPeachy]

Have you tried any counseling?

[Nicole28]

My mom says I don't know how to be happy, that whenever I am I look for a way to destroy it. I feel like something is missing.

I can relate to this.

To echo Peachy - have you tried counseling? I was seeing a therapist weekly for awhile but did not keep up with it [I made excuses because I was not quite ready to tackle my issues] but after only a month and a half of weekly visits I did feel as though - at some point - counseling would be hugely beneficial. You have to be ready though, I think.

I have never been able to productively deal with stress until this year. I suffered from an eating disorder in silence for several years - restricting my eating was my coping mechanism when I felt stressed and out of control. Because I didn't think that I was good enough, harming my body was no big deal, you know? And, when I was finally feeling like maybe I could be happy - I'd sabotage it one way or another. It all comes down to self-esteem for me: if I feel worthy, I won't destroy my opportunity for happiness.

You're right - you can't "stuff it." This is a good place to start talking - - plenty of free advice from people who can relate to you!

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

I agree. A therapist is someone you can share you darkest, most inner thoughts with without them judging you. You can unload without feeling like you are bringing the other person "down" and without the guilt of feeling like you are whining or complaining too much. It's what they are there for and they "get it" in a way that your family and friends will not. Many can prescribe depression/anxiety medication if necessary.

If you are not quite ready for counseling at least start writing in a journal or diary. Sometimes putting your feelings on paper helps release some of the emotions.

P.S. There is nothing wrong with rescuing animals as a way to heal. I had 3 miscarriages and in the end had 3 baby kittens (got one after each baby was lost). I needed to care for something small, helpless, and needy and since I had no baby.....I did kittens. They were therapeutic, warm and fuzzy, curled up next to me when I cried late at night, and loved me unconditionally......and quite frankly, brought no baggage to the table. They were perfect.

[jocie8]

I know that there is a way out of this pain and I wont stop till I feel at peace.

[hrisme]

<<Things keep coming up for me, all sorts, and I really test my partner and anyone who is close to me. My mom says I don't know how to be happy, that whenever I am I look for a way to destroy it. I feel like something is missing. >>

I can really relate to these feelings. I've struggled with them for years, and still have not completely overcome them, even after more than six years of therapy. But I do echo what the other posters say, if you CAN get into therapy, it may help. Just don't be afraid to try several therapists to find the right fit. Someone with experience in counseling adoptees is ideal, my therapist had no experience with adoption but one of her specialties is Borderline Personality Disorder, and the whole fear of abandonment, sense of emptiness, self-sabatoging behavior, etc. was very familiar to her (not saying you have BPD, though I certainly did, a lot of the traits are similar to "typical" adoption issues).

<<I don't know where to begin with this healing. I have consciously not filled the hole with kids or food or addictions>>

Good for you! The fact that you recognize the emptiness is a huge step, and implies to me that you ARE ready to begin healing from this pain.

<<I have made it a practice to rescue animals, which I realize is to try to rescue myself. I feel like I'm on a mission to advocate for anything without a voice. >>

Gee, never realized that was why I was so intent on rescuing cats, but it makes a lot of sense.

Unfortunately, there is no easy answer here. You do need to forgive yourself, that's a good place to start. You eventually need to forgive your birthmother, but that's not something that can be done until you've worked through the grief, and trying to force yourself to "get over it" will only make things worse. Give yourself permission to grieve, it's normal to do so when you experience a loss. And you experienced not only the loss of your birthmother when you were placed, but also the loss of the relationship you hoped to have when you reunited.

I think it also helps to build up a support network. Do you have friends who will listen, even though you are afraid of overwhelming them? I've had to set very clear boundaries with my friends to evaluate how much is okay, to make sure I don't overwhelm them, but once those boundaries are in place I can talk to them without worrying that I am saying too much. Check things out if you are concerned about it--ask your friends if you sound like you are whining, explain to them that you don't need sympathy, you just need someone to listen. It sounds like your mom is supportive, so she would be a good resource as well.

Best of luck on your journey. Healing IS possible, but it is a difficult and rocky path.