[cnb1099]

Just a bit of a thought provoking questions here.

If you knew that a friend of yours was adopted, but s/he didn’t know because his family had never been told, would you find a way to share the truth with him/her or should you but out, knowing that eventually s/he may or may not find out that you’ve known all along and it could have implications on your friendship or his/her life?

[JustPeachy]

Oh, this is a tough one, and I'm afraid I don't have any answers for you. I have similar thoughts about someone in my family who is a bmom (closed era), who has grown kids who don't know they have a sibling. So many people in the family know about this, but it is never discussed. I don't think it is my place to "out" the bmom, but I often wonder if those grown kids should ever know they have a sibling out there somewhere. I do know if I was the one to "out" the bmom, there would be serious h*ll to pay. I don't really think it's my place to do this, either, but it still kind of bugs me that the grown kids are left in the dark. It also bugs me that we are both bmoms and yet we cannot talk about our experiences. And yet I also feel if I were her, and someone else in the family outed me, I would be quite upset. I do worry that when or if her kids do find out the truth, they will be very upset that so many in the family knew and never said a word. It's a tough call, but I don't know if I would want to be the one to reveal this news to someone.

[hrisme]

I don't think I would tell them, it's not my place. If I had any contact with their family, on the other hand, I think I would mention (subtly, but not really, if you know what I mean) to her parents that if YOU know, so do other people, and one of these days she's going to find out....and it might be better for them if THEY actually tell her.

[sammyhas3]

and I would share with that person what you knew. They have that right to know as do siblings. I didnt know that my daughter was never told of her adoption untill she was 22 and the things that she has gone threw have not been easy. But she has 2 wonderful brothers who are so happy to have her in their life!!!!

[txrnr]

I wouldn't say a thing, although I may mention it to the aparents that secrets like this usually don't stay secrets, especially in this day and age. It's not my place to interfere in other peoples family relationships. Telling the friend the news may impact people in far too many ways that others are not prepared emotionally to deal with. While I strongly think adoptees should be told all along, it's far more complicated usually than just righting a wrong.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by txrnr

I wouldn't say a thing, although I may mention it to the aparents that secrets like this usually don't stay secrets, especially in this day and age. It's not my place to interfere in other peoples family relationships. Telling the friend the news may impact people in far too many ways that others are not prepared emotionally to deal with. While I strongly think adoptees should be told all along, it's far more complicated usually than just righting a wrong.

To me it is not just a moral or ethical issue that the person adopted should know. As much as it may impact others that the adoptee be told ...it impacts the adoptee and his/her children/grandchidren for the most practical of reasons. The most basic of reason...they DON"T CARRY THE SAME GENES AS ADOPTIVE FAMILY. To perputate the lie so others don't get hurt is repugnant to me. Their basic physical being is not that of the family they were raised in, its not the same blood so all medical heritage, physical atrtributes are just a big lie.

To me to not tell is the biggest betrayel you could hurt me with. NOT just because of me but because of my kids and their kids. Those of us that have childre(no matter how we got them) all state that we would't hurt our kids, would go under a bus ect....but the fact that I may be given false information to them, their doctors ect is horrible.

Secrets hurt the person that has the secret being held from them the most....

This person needs to know what she is actually made up of.

[cnb1099]

As an adoptee, I have been told my whole life that I was adopted. It was never anything that was a secret. However I do know from experience within my family that finding out at a later age, whether you were told or you found out by accident, has never been a thing that was taken lightly. It is a monumentally huge shock to find out that everything you believed to be true in your life is not.

I ride the fence on this question. While I wholeheartedly agree with dpen, I also feel like this is something that I would hope would come from someone in my family. I also know how horrible I would feel if my friend found out I knew all along and said nothing. I think I would want to know the truth and be able to process things but I would always hope that it would have been someone in my family to inform me.

[curiositykitten]

I don't know if there is a 'right' answer to this question. It's hard.

It would shake anyones world to find out that a huge part of their life had been a 'lie' if they were never ever told of their adoption. That in itself might send them on a huge tailspin.

I guess what I would try to do if I really really thought they needed to know and if I was close with their family was discuss it with their parent.

Otherwise I think it would depend on the situation. I.E, Medical emergency ect.

[bmomto2_momto2]

I have to say that I believe that everyone has the right to decide for themselves if they want to know their roots. I do believe that approaching the family and telling them that this is how you feel and that if they cannot bring themselves to tell him/her, you will. I do believe the child's right to know (and then make their own decision) is the prevailing right here.

[dpen6]

I agree this particular situation is a very difficult situation.

The easiet thing to do is say nothing. but in my opinion that is the most unethical. This person(who is NOT a child) has a right to know the truth. But you don't want to send them on a tailspin. I really don't know what the answer is but something needs to be done.

Oh wait, there is a late discovary group you may be able to google them and get some feedback. Maybe there are some late discvovary adoptees that can add to this convo.

[Sonia_Maria]

this is indeed a verry difficult situation u are in. on the one hand u have your frend who might blame u for not telling on the other hand u have the parents u must have there own reasons not to tell this to there child. Eather way u are stuck in het middle, and there will be an angry party.

my advise on this is u right a letter to the parents. state that u know this and u don't want your frend to hear this from nobody but them. it doesn't matter how you look at is a matter between them. the only thing u can do in this, is be there for your frend when this gets out. your frend will get angry at u for not telling, depending on the strenght of your frendship you wil come to a solution with your frend.

In my teens, i whas whit a group off young adoptees, (i was adopted in 1976) and i came acrouse some of these simmular happenings. it is not going to be pretty and there is always going to be some who will gets hurt.

hope u can find the right answer within yourself because this will make a part of u for the rest your live... good luck, what ever you diside...