[r0ller]

Hello, everyone. I have a problem regarding adoptees/birth families that doesn't seem to be commented on much (at least, I couldn't find much using the search function), so I'm hoping that I can get some desperately needed help.

My wife was adopted as an infant in 1966. Her birth parents later married (divorced a few years later) and she has 2 full birth brothers, and also a birth half sister from the birth father's second marriage. My wife (then girlfriend) initiated the contact, and found all of her birth family when she was 18. There were rocky patches in the beginning, dealing mainly with the boundaries of the relationship. My wife and I were married in 1988, and her birth family was invited.

The problems began when my first son was born in 1990, when the birth mother began to overstep her boundaries again, like saying "come to Grandma" after being told specifically not to do it. Things got worse, and in 1996, my wife and her birth mother were on "Oprah" on a show dealing with reunions, and it was a fiasco, with accusations of lying, yelling, name calling, you name it.

My wife broke off all contact after that for a few years, but re-established it. The birth mother had re-married to a wonderful man that I really liked, and who I thought would be good for her. (To be honest, I never really liked her or my wife's birth brothers. They're all very shallow, materialistic, arrogant, vain, etc.)

During all of this, I tried to support my wife as best I could. I told her that since I was not adopted, I obviously couldn't identify with a lot of her feelings, but if she asked for my advice, I gave it. I never tried to steer her in any direction, nor did I criticize any of her decisions.

The problems with me and her birth family started when her birth mother went back to her home town for a high school reunion, met her high school sweetheart, spent the week having an affair with him, then came back and told her husband she wanted a divorce. The poor guy had no warning at all. In fact, she had told her mother-in-law the previous weekend that she could see her self in love with this man for another 50 years. The whole thing sickened me, and for the first time, I took an active part in the adoptee birth family relationship, and told my wife that it would be best if she ended the relationship with her birth mother, and my wife agreed. We decided together that the birth mother was simply not the kind of person that we wanted contact with.

So, a few years ago, my wife again tries to start the relationship, but this time I started to make my wishes known. I said that I didn't want her or my children to have any contact with the birth mother, but if she did, I would have no part in it. If they wanted to meet, it would be somewhere besides our house, and I wasn't going to take part in any events that involved her birth family.

Since then, there have been several events involving the birth family that the rest of my family has been involved in (weddings, reunions, etc.) but I have not participated. The birth family has been to our house several times, but I have not been there. My wife has called me, un-Christian, selfish, evil, etc., for not fully accepting her birth family.

My question to all of you out there is: do I, as the spouse, have any say at all in how I deal with this relationship? It seems apparent that no one in the adoptee or birth family should be pushed into a situation that they don't like, nor should they be made to feel guilty if they do not want contact. Do these rules apply at all to spouses? Don't I deserve the same considering in dealing with her birth family as she has? If I don't want the contact, shouldn't my wishes be considered?

This situation is placing a serious strain on our marriage, to the point that I am considering divorce, because I'm not sure I can continue being berated for my feelings, nor can I see myself fully accepting her birth family any time soon the way she wants.

I hope I didn't offend anyone with this. Sometimes the dynamics of adoption and reunion can have a huge effect on others outside the main players, and I just don't know how to proceed from here.

[Oceans]

The one thing that stuck out was that your wife kept reinitiating contact after breaking it off. This says to me that it is a relationship she wants. For some adopted people there is a need to have their birthmom in their life. That will probably never change just b/c you would like it to.

No, your feeling should never be de-valued but neither should hers. You seem to be at stale mate here. Have you thought about counseling?

[r0ller]

Originally Posted by Oceans

The one thing that stuck out was that your wife kept reinitiating contact after breaking it off. This says to me that it is a relationship she wants. For some adopted people there is a need to have their birthmom in their life. That will probably never change just b/c you would like it to.

No, your feeling should never be de-valued but neither should hers. You seem to be at stale mate here. Have you thought about counseling?

Yes, we've been in couseling for several months. The overall feeling I get is that I should just give in and give my wife what she wants.

While I agree that this is the most noble thing to do, I feel I am being "forced" to do something I really don't want to do, and I'm resisting it.

I've tried to explain to my wife that she should understand what I'm feeling, since a big problem with her and her birth mother's relationship is that my wife felt that she was being pushed into a relationship that she did not want.

I guess the part that bothers me the most is that somehow she feels I'm a bad person for having feelings that are evidently very common in adoptions/renunions.

[bmomto2_momto2]

I am so sorry to hear about your problems with your wife's birthfamily. I am not an adoptee (I am a birthmother though) but this kind of situation happens in a lot of marriages and I believe that the answer regarding your desire to remove yourself from her birthfamily is that it is completely understandable and she should show you the same consideration you show her. I do have family members on my spouses side that I have finally had it with and have cut off all ties to. I still respect my husbands right and desire to keep them in his life. They do not come to our house though... ever (even if I am gone). He respects my rights and my choice. I do however make concessions for necessary events outside our house (niece's b-day, a recent death in the family) and will be civil to these members of his family.

As far as counseling goes... I think your current counseling is ineffective. It can take more than one attemp to find the counselor that is right for you. That is true whether you are in individual counseling or couples/marriage counseling. I wish you the very best of luck and hope this does not tear your marriage apart.

[r0ller]

bmomto2_momto2,
Thanks for the reply. It makes me feel a little better to know that there are others who feel the same as I do.

Oceans,
I realize this relationship is very important to my wife, although I honestly can't understand why. It is just something that I can't grasp. But even if I can't understand the emotions behind it, I accept the fact that it is important to her.

[BrandyHagz]

As a spouse, we’re supposed to support our significant others, even when the decisions they make aren’t the ones we’d personally make.

It sounds like your wife has made her decision – she is interested in the relationship, even if she has indicated in the past that she is not.

I know, in my own relationship with my birth mother, I have on many occasions ‘wash my hands’ of things. Indicated that I was done. Walked away. But each and every time, I return.

She may or may not be a good person or role model that you envision for your wife and children – but there is a connection, else she’d walk away and stay walked away.

I’m not saying, of course, that you need to set your feelings aside and become involved. What I am saying is, in your home, you can support her rather than battle with her over the merits of her birth familial relationship. You don’t need to embrace and invite the family into your life…but you should, in my opinion, support your wife in her endeavor to do just that, if she feels it’s best for her.

(Something somewhat unrelated but sort of paralleled)

I have this really twisted relationship with my adoptive family. For years (30) they have been anything BUT a family to me. I’ve walked away so many times – and my husband has been supportive – however, I always return – and even though I know it pains my husband to see the way I am treated and the way things ALWAYS turn out – he is still supportive.

Take, for example, three years ago. I had opted to try, yet again, to cultivate a relationship with the only family I really know, my adoptive family. Our relationship has always been one-sided. No one in my family ever calls me. No one in my family has ever made the trip to (insert current location here) to visit me or my family (husband, son). We don’t even so much as get a Christmas card. Seeing this ‘one-sidedness’ is really painful for my husband and he just doesn’t understand why I try and keep trying and he doesn’t understand why I continue to invite them back into my life, knowing what the outcome will be.

So, three years ago, I told my husband, “I am done. I refuse to travel back home and visit until *someone* makes an effort from their side”.

They still haven’t.

The topic of conversation last night in my house was planning a trip back home to visit the family.

Stupid, I know. I know that this time will be no different than the last time. That I’ll go, planning to spend a week and we’ll leave after 3 days because of the strain and likely the ‘fights’ that will ensue. I know that things will never be different…yet here I am.

Gluten for punishment? Sadomasochistic? Who knows. But the bottom line is that my husband is supporting my decision – even though, as he said last night, he just wants to protect me from the pain he knows I am subjecting myself to. He said sometimes you just have to touch the hot pan every once in a while to remember that it’s hot and to remind yourself why you don’t touch it.

I don’t know what’s right or wrong in any relationship I guess. What I do know is that I am thankful that my husband supports my decisions – even if it comes attached with a cautionary word and a preemptive warning.

[r0ller]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

I’m not saying, of course, that you need to set your feelings aside and become involved. What I am saying is, in your home, you can support her rather than battle with her over the merits of her birth familial relationship. You don’t need to embrace and invite the family into your life…but you should, in my opinion, support your wife in her endeavor to do just that, if she feels it’s best for her.

Would you say that my wish to not be involved her birth family events means that I don't support her wishes to be involved?

I think that the compromise we had reached was a workable one; that she goes and does whatever she wants with them, but I'm not involved.

The problem is that recently, she has been downright hostile that I will not participate in these events.

I'm pretty sure this is some kind of connection to the abandonment/rejection issue, but I don't know how it fits in. I'm not "rejecting" anything about her. I just don't want to be in contact with her birth family.

Is it possible that she interprets my thoughts about her birth family as a "rejection" of her?

[bmomto2_momto2]

I think you have been as supportive as possible through this entire event. There are times when continuing on in a relationship is detrimental to one parties physical and mental well-being. You should not be expected to sacrifice your health to appease your wife. It may help her however if you try to explain that your rejection of her birth family is in no way a reflection of your feelings for her. I would say that there are situations in which you should be a part of events even if they include her birthfamily. But you should not be an active everyday part of that relationship if you are too uncomfortable with it.

[r0ller]

Originally Posted by bmomto2_momto2

I would say that there are situations in which you should be a part of events even if they include her birthfamily.

There is one coming up fairly soon. My son is graduating high shcool in June, and my wife plans on her birth mother and other birth relatives being at our house from 10:00 Saturday morning to about 10:00 Saturday night, preparing for and hosting his graduation party; the birth mother will stay at a hotel Saturday night, then back over to the house on Sunday for brunch, church and an afternoon at the community pool; stay at the hotel Sunday night then on Monday afternoon is the actual graduation.

It's almost like my wife is intentionally ensuring that the birth family is at all of these events so that I have to make a choice.

Do I give in or do I miss these events? (I will be at the graduation. I'll just be somewhere in the crowd instead of sitting with my wife and birth family).

[bmomto2_momto2]

Oh you should definitely be involved with all aspects of the graduation regardless of who else is in attendance. For the sake of "comfort and enjoyability" of all attendees, and your son, you should even be civil to her family. I will tell you that my distaste for the members of my spouses family have grown over many years (same as your situation) and stems from wrongs to both myself and my spouse. I do know however that there is a time and place for everything. Your son's graduation is not the time or place for this problem. Please, just get through this event for the sake of your son. Have you ever had a conversation with the birthfamily members directly about your desire to support your wife but not be involved with them? I have had that conversation with the family members of my spouse. They manage to respect my decision and so when I find myself in a situation that requires me to have contact with them, they have the same plan as I do... be civil to one another in consideration of the situation. If you haven't you should consider that as an option. You don't have to be rude but you should be honest. Even if they are very unadult about the conversation and become verbally abusive... just let them know where you are coming from. Also, please sit with your wife. Our youngest daughter is graduating in May this year. I know that I will be a big puddle of tears. This may be the case for your wife too and she made a loving shoulder to cry on.

[Oceans]

Is it possible that she interprets my thoughts about her birth family as a "rejection" of her?

I think this is very possible or a rejection of a "part" of her. Think in terms of your family and if she refused contact with them - what would your feelings be? Again... this isn't saying you should (or shouldn't) do something you don't want. Just on thought on how she may feel.

Is there any comprimise that you would be comfortable with?

[Jackiejdajda]

r0ller

Would you say that my wish to not be involved her birth family events means that I don't support her wishes to be involved?

My husband wanted to protect me from the pain I got from reunion with my bson.
And my husband got sick of me being involved in the emotions of reunion..

I think that the compromise we had reached was a workable one; that she goes and does whatever she wants with them, but I'm not involved.

Can she talk about the negative things that happened when she comes home from a difficult meeting?
Can she unburden on you and get a hug?
My grown kids do things I do not like.. do not want them to do.. but I have learned to love them and support them no matter what..

There are times I want to strangle my husband.. (yesterday) but I keep my tongue and tell me that this will pass.. and I am glad I am in his life..
His relatives are difficult on me..
I hate going to family reunions.. I hate it when they pull out the family line..and the who begat who.. when I know I gave a son up for adoption..
Its interesting.. before my bson found me.. (I made myself available) his birthday was the same day hubby had a family reunion..
I would not go.. I could not go.. it was my day to grieve.. (this after I stopped blocking the date)
We used to fight something awful about that..
He wanted me to honor his life and I wanted him to honor my life..

The problem is that recently, she has been downright hostile that I will not participate in these events.

I think we learn how to give in.. when married for a long time.. I think we learn how to accept the crappy bits of the loved one.
What is the alternative? Separation? Divorce? You paying for two homes?
Is that worth it?
Hubby and I almost got divorced in the nineties.. we went to lawyers.. We realized that our quality of life would go down something awful..
And now we are retired and totally together and living a nice life.. I thank God I did not divorce..

I'm pretty sure this is some kind of connection to the abandonment/rejection issue, but I don't know how it fits in. I'm not "rejecting" anything about her. I just don't want to be in contact with her birth family.

And I do not want to be in contact with my husbands relatives.. I do not like how they treat him/me.. (some of them).. but go to the reunion I must and get through it I must..
Its part of who he is..

Is it possible that she interprets my thoughts about her birth family as a "rejection" of her?

I do not think one can separate a person from their issues.

As others have written this must be something she needs to work through.. If my bson showed up at my door tomorrow and verbally abused me I would get very angry with my husband if he intervened.. if he got bad with my bson..
It’s a strange issue I know.. and it is not a normal one..
But as I wrote elsewhere this morning.. its part of this society we live in.. and how we adapt.. is important..

Jackie

[DebsW]

Hi, I have been on a roller coaster reunion for 2 years. I only have one bfamily member who has given me any difficulty, lots of drama, lying, name calling, anger, jealousy etc, my bsister. She would not talk to me for about 4 months, basically all winter.

I know what she does, I know when she is lying, I know when she is manipulating, I know when she is avoiding conflict. I have learned to roll with this as best I can, let her be the crazy woman she is and let it go.

Mys husband has been on the same ride, just beside me, watching me go through so many emotions, once I cried so hard I left mascara on his shirt, along with a lot of tears.

The one thing he has not told me is that I have to choose between her or him. As much as she drives everyone crazy, he has never felt he needed to do that.

Now I know the issues are different, you are having trouble with, what sounds like some very important character issues that you don't want to be involved with or even want to know etc. Is there a middle ground for you two?

I have a feeling that your wife is feeling a little abandoned by you, and please don't take that the wrong way. Adoptees are hyper sensitive to that.

I don't trust anyone, not even my husband. Maybe she feels she can't trust you? Maybe trying to maintain the relationship with her bmom is draining to the point she is angry that she has to work harder on her marriage? She may be feeling resentful because you are not supportive of her relationship with bmom?

I guess the key things I would look at are: Rejection, Abandonment, Mis trust, the need to know who you are and where you come from.

I hope you don't take anything negative from this, I am only trying to think of what questions may help.

Good luck, this is a difficult thing to get through.

Deb

[r0ller]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

I think we learn how to accept the crappy bits of the loved one.
What is the alternative? Separation? Divorce? You paying for two homes?
Is that worth it?
Hubby and I almost got divorced in the nineties.. we went to lawyers.. We realized that our quality of life would go down something awful..
And now we are retired and totally together and living a nice life.. I thank God I did not divorce..

I'm not sure if it would be worth it or not.

Is being forced to have a relationship you don't want worth keeping the one you do want?

Both decisions are bad, but I'm afraid that being forced to have a relationship that I don't want is getting worse as time goes on.

[JustPeachy]

Do you really need to have a "relationship?" Is your wife truly expecting you to do that, or to merely join her at some events involving them? I don't think you can be forced to have a relationship with anybody, nor should you force yourself, if you really don't want to. I do think you can bite the bullet and maybe see these people at some functions once in awhile. Unless there was some serious abuse directed at you that they haven't made amends for?? I'm not clear about what it is about them you cannot tolerate. What your wife's bmom did in her marriage may have sickened you, but it was really something between her and her ex-husband. Has this woman harmed you in any way? What about the other extended family members?? Is there someone from that side that you can relate to better?? I dunno. I certainly wouldn't miss my son's graduation because of this and I would most certainly sit with my spouse. Why give them so much power over you?? You don't have to like them, heck, I can't stand a lot of people in my own family, but I can tolerate seeing them at family functions once in awhile (and then I can snark on them afterwards ).