[Jackiejdajda]

r0ller

So it's not simply having them in the same room for a short time. It's having them around for an extended weekend, 10-12 hours per day.

I wrote a long post pontificating on how you need to support her and then deleted it when reading this above.
She needs to respect your feelings.. IMO

Jackie

[rainmon]

r0ller, as a Grandma myself....I didn't quite understand in your original post when you said
b-mother had caused problems when she said
"come to Grandma" to the Grandchild.....
why was that bad in your eyes? why was she told not to. why did you feel this was wrong? that has been bothering me as I don't quite understand what happened there that was disturbing to you.

[r0ller]

Originally Posted by rainmon

r0ller, as a Grandma myself....I didn't quite understand in your original post when you said
b-mother had caused problems when she said
"come to Grandma" to the Grandchild.....
why was that bad in your eyes? why was she told not to. why did you feel this was wrong? that has been bothering me as I don't quite understand what happened there that was disturbing to you.

It was a boundary that had been set up by my wife. She considers her adoptive mother as the kid's grandmother, not her birth mother.

[Jackiejdajda]

r0ller

It was a boundary that had been set up by my wife. She considers her adoptive mother as the kid's grandmother, not her birth mother.

This must be hard.. You seem to be caught in the middle.. My husband had some hard times when I reunited with my bson..

Roller could you please post some more on how you are feeling on terms of the reunion and your 'no say' in it?

I think its an important message to be on these boards.. we do not hear from many husbands of someone reuniting..

Jackie

[r0ller]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

r0ller


This must be hard.. You seem to be caught in the middle.. My husband had some hard times when I reunited with my bson..

Roller could you please post some more on how you are feeling on terms of the reunion and your 'no say' in it?

I think its an important message to be on these boards.. we do not hear from many husbands of someone reuniting..

Jackie

Well, it seems I'm feeling a lot things that are normally felt by the adoptee/birth parents/adoptive parents.

I like my wife's adoptive mother. I consider her my mother-in-law, and feel very fortunate that I get along so well with her. I don't need or want another mother-in-law, yet that seems to be what is being pushed on me.

This feeling seems to be the same when a birth family member is too pushy and wants to play a larger part in the adoptee's life. The adoptee has needs/wants that are being met by the adoptive family, and has no desire to have a birth family member assume that role.

I like my mother/father/brother in-law, and don't want or need any additions to that group.

As far as new developments in this saga, I sent the birth mother a note last night, and said plainly that I would agree to have her and the birth family over for the activities, but it was strictly for my son's and wife's sake. It was not the start of a reconciliation process or a "get to know you" session. I still had serious problems with the way she lived her life and the fact that she was a role model for my children.

She didn't think very much of it and sent a note to my wife. My wife asked to see what I had sent, so I gave her a copy, and she said it was very rude of me to have been so blunt.

I had worked on the note for three days trying to be as diplomatic as possible while still making sure that my position was clear. I think the problem was the I actually had the nerve to tell her that I had a problem with her at all.

I have not recieved a return email or phone call, so I guess I'll just wait.

[winter444]

I am sorry you are going through all this, I do understand where you are coming from but as an adoptee, I understand your wife too.
It seems she feels such a need to have contact with her birth mother, I hate to say it but it is true, only if you are adopted can anyone ever truly know how it all feels. The emotions are terrible to deal with.
I'm not making light of this at all when I say that whoever this person was that you don't particularly like, birth mom, sister, adoptive mom etc...it always seems in every family there are people who we cringe when we see.
I know it's hard, my husbands mother, he's not adopted but his mother was hell on wheels and so rude to me all the time, it really bothered me that this woman was even around my daughter beacuse of the way she was, I worried so much about it. My daughter was around 3 at the time so of course didn't know what was going on. One day, a friend told me not to worry as my daughter will eventually see what this woman is like, she did.
I so understand what you mean and that you are concerned for your children, your wife is pulled right now, there seems to be a yearning for her to have contact with her bmom. You never know what will happen in the future. As with other family members who we all have and don't like, I would support your wife, even if it's silently. This can send you crazy I know, you sound like a very caring person who only wants the best for his family, see how it all goes. Wish I had some words of wisdom for you to help.
Absolutely go to every function with your family, hold your head up high and enjoy the day, I do agree that it could push your wife away if you don't. It's guaranteed she is hurting inside and she needs you, hang in there.

[kune]

r0ller
I've skimmed through the thread and may have missed some crucial part (so forgive me if I come over as blunt and/or rude).

My wife asked to see what I had sent, so I gave her a copy, and she said it was very rude of me to have been so blunt.

Birthfamilys (to me) are in that in-law classification - People who are important to your spouse,- so by default, need to be treated with respect (whether you feel it or not). You married your wife and in doing so, took on all the baggage that comes with her. You promised to love and support her all of her days - not just the days she is bowing to your authority.

To write to HER birthfamily, without her knowledge, and to be rude to her family is, I believe, outrageous. I don't believe you had the right to do that. You have overstepped the mark.

Love your wife for who she is and accept the people that she loves and supports and the relationships she nurtures. The only role you need to take is her husband - the man who stood by her and said he would look after her every day of her life. The choice of who she calls family is not yours to make.

Ann

[keds]

I have to agree with Ann on this one. I attended marriage counselling with my hubby a long time ago and the best advice I ever received was that I deal with my family and he deals with his family and we support each other, even if we're not 100% certain that the other is in the right. IMO I would have talked with her and said you wanted to send a note making your feelings clear, shown her what you planned on writing and giving her a chance to absorb it, rather than not know. It's important that they know to how you feel and your reasons are valid, it's the approach that we take sometimes that makes others forget the message and that you are concerned for your family. I do hope everything works out for you. As winter says, sometimes we have to leave some things unsaid to others in order to help our spouses through the hard times but you should make sure she knows how you feel.

[Jackiejdajda]

r0ller

This feeling seems to be the same when a birth family member is too pushy and wants to play a larger part in the adoptee's life. The adoptee has needs/wants that are being met by the adoptive family, and has no desire to have a birth family member assume that role.

Reunion is difficult.. for some..
It is for me.. but then I basically walked away from any chance of intimacy.. read the cards.. sorted it..
It was my decision..

I told my husband about what I would do.. (I wrote it here somewhere) if my bson came here and upset me and hubby got angry and protective..
I wrote (automatically) that I would punch my husband out.. (not literally)
And I have been thinking of this ever since..

The loved one of the relinquished one.. or relinquisher one.. has a very full plate IMO
I never realized how much till recently..
It does not seem fair..

As far as new developments in this saga, I sent the birth mother a note last night, and said plainly that I would agree to have her and the birth family over for the activities, but it was strictly for my son's and wife's sake. It was not the start of a reconciliation process or a "get to know you" session. I still had serious problems with the way she lived her life and the fact that she was a role model for my children.

Is this about parenting? About you and your wife being on the same page.. Makes sense to me..
I know I worried about my birthgrandbabies thinking about how I gave their father away and in turn maybe they would be given away..
And then my mind goes to.. well that’s life and these are the facts..

But.. I would worry about someone entering my life on a very deep level (like your children and the influence).. and me not liking he or she..
I have always thought of consideration in reunion.. everyone considering everyone..
It does not happen.. and now I am trying to understand how many people are having to deal with the difficulties of two worlds coming together that started out separate..
I do not know what to do and what you are facing is something I do not comprehend.. and I may have shut my husband up when I should not have been.. He looked at me the other day when I mentioned my bson coming here and upsetting me scenario.. like here we go again here is a place where I have no say.. I can see the exasperation..

She didn't think very much of it and sent a note to my wife. My wife asked to see what I had sent, so I gave her a copy, and she said it was very rude of me to have been so blunt.

But the reason why you sent that note still applies doesn’t it.. If my kids were heading into something I did not want them to head into.. at a young age.. I would try and sort.. but.. maybe you are not able to sort because the reunion is an emotional minefield.. one you can not get into..
I saw that with my husband.. A place where I rule..

I had worked on the note for three days trying to be as diplomatic as possible while still making sure that my position was clear. I think the problem was the I actually had the nerve to tell her that I had a problem with her at all.

I am so grateful that you are posting.. about this.. I am learning something about myself..

Thank you..

Jackie

[Jackiejdajda]

Kune

To write to HER birthfamily, without her knowledge, and to be rude to her family is, I believe, outrageous. I don't believe you had the right to do that. You have overstepped the mark.

But if his children are going to be taken into something he does not want them taken into.. what then?

This when there is a history of the wife wanting this contact..


Keds

I attended marriage counselling with my hubby a long time ago and the best advice I ever received was that I deal with my family and he deals with his family and we support each other, even if we're not 100% certain that the other is in the right.

Wise words..

So interesting..

Jackie

[r0ller]

Originally Posted by kune

To write to HER birthfamily, without her knowledge, and to be rude to her family is, I believe, outrageous. I don't believe you had the right to do that. You have overstepped the mark.

You misunderstood.

This was done with my wife's prior knowledge. It was what we agreed on in counseling, and she emailed her birth mother prior to let her know the note was coming.

My wife and I talked about what would be in the note I sent, including the problems I had with her birth mother, and the fact that this meeting would happen only for my wife and son's sake. It was also understood by my wife that I would tell her birth mother why I had a problem with her and that this was not the start of us getting together.

My wife was fully aware of what I was going to tell her birth mother. She just said I was too blunt. However, the counselor advised me (with me wife right there) that I needed to tell the birth mother exactly where I stood and make sure there was no confusion about it.

[loveajax]

Roller, I haven't read all the posts, but I also wanted to ask what you and your wife's relationship is with her aparents? What about the relationship (if any) between the aparents and bparents?

My DH wrote to his birth mom several months back and has not heard anything. Although I am sad for his sake, in a way (this is going to sound terrible and I would not say this to him) it is somewhat of a "relief." I have a hard time juggling all the obligations with his family and my family. I don't know how i would feel if I didn't like or respect his birth mom or family.

Hang in there. I hope especially for the sake of your son that the graduation day goes smoothly...

Also, I don't know if someone suggested this yet, but is there anyway you could maybe have counseling WITH your DW's birth mom. We had friends who had a horrible inlaw situation and that actually helped.