[r0ller]

I have no problem with her birth father. we have always gotten along. He hasn't made any demands and was never pushy at all in the relationship with me or my wife.

He's much more of a screw up, though. He's a recovering alcoholic (no alcohol for 3 years) and had been unable to hold down a job because of his drinking. He's doing well now, taking it one day at a time.

I have big problems with her birth mother's morals, and her mannerisms, voice and general attitude make me almost physically ill. She is one of the most arrogant, condescending, egotistical, manipulative people I have ever had the misfortune to encounter. Her oldest son is not far behind. My wife's younger birth brother is much more easy-going and personable, but early on when I said I didn't want anything to do with her birth mother or oldest birth brother, she said she didn't she how I could maintain contact with the younger brother and not the rest of the family, and I said "Fine. I won't have contact with any of them."

I really don't know what I'm going to do. I hate to miss all the activities, but I honestly don't know how I can deal with her birth family being there. I know I will resent my wife an incredible amount for putting me in this situation, no matter what choice I make. It is really a no-win situation for me.

[txrnr]

I also don't think you should be forced to socialize with people who have this much of an effect on you. If you are being truly supportive to your wife about all other aspects of reunion, then I think you've earned a pass, with the exception of truly special events like your son's graduation. Please, please reconsider and sit with your family and try and enjoy the festivities. That day is about your son and his accomplishments, as well as the parents that got him there. You'll be miserable sitting on your own, so at least be miserable in the name of peace.

I think you have compromised with your wife, and I agree, it seems as if it should work. I wonder if this hasn't become about another issue. Does she need you there because her family is driving her nuts? Are they making critical comments to her about your absence and she doesn't want to give you more reason to hate them?

Reunion seems to be a scary time when even the most secure people give into their insecurities. With a manipulative birthfamily, maybe it's more than she can handle, but she can't let go either. Maybe she needs you to lean on, but hasn't quite identified that. Of course, she SHOULD respect your limits, and your feelings. I think if you agreed to a few dinners so often then she should be grateful, and have whatever relationship she wanted on her own.

[dpen6]

Get the adoption aspect out of the situation and what you have here is control issues on both you and your wifes part...IMO....

You can not control her relationship with her birthmother. Just as a wife should not attempt control of a husbands relationship with his family.

On the other hand....you should be able to say what you feel comfortable taking part in, and she can not ram anyone down your throat. Its is your house too and to have someone in the house that you don't like for 12 hours is tough! Your wife should attempt to respect that. It is YOUR sons graduation and it really doesn't matter who is there...HE comes before anyone elses control stuff.

Concessions need to be made on both you and your wife....
You can not control her realtionships and she can't control yours.....both is wrong.

You both need to respect your differnces and come up with some plan that both of you feel respected and you respect each other needs.

[curiositykitten]

Originally Posted by dpen6

Get the adoption aspect out of the situation and what you have here is control issues on both you and your wifes part...IMO....

You can not control her relationship with her birthmother. Just as a wife should not attempt control of a husbands relationship with his family.

.

I would like to agree with this because it does feel that some aspects of this situation is about control. It's not fun to be around people that we don't like. I have a relative by marriage that I cannot stand. That being said I can't help but feel your wife is being put in a position that feels like she has to 'pick' between the two relationships.

I don't think that your wrong in how you feel, and I think that your wife should have some considerations towards that as well. However it can be unbelievably hard to feel like you have to pick between relationships.

Is it out of the question for all three of you to sit down together and talk?

[r0ller]

My wife has said that she is tired of making any concessions about this.

I asked if I could attend the first part of the party and then have her birth family attend the second part.

She said that was too much to ask of her birth mother and family, so she wasn't going to do that.

So it's not simply having them in the same room for a short time. It's having them around for an extended weekend, 10-12 hours per day.

[EZ2Luv]

As an adoptee I have never desired any type of relationship with bfamily thank God. I do know many adoptees that do however. The thing is in these relationships in reunion, more frequest than not there is going to be one really needy side and sometimes both sides are needy, add some anger in the mix and there is dysfuction at it's finest. The most important thing to do is to set boundries early on and really enforce them at least til both sides know what they want.
As far as your wife is just caught up in that insane push pull neediness. IMO I do not think she is being fair to expect you to go aling for this ride with her after you have tried and can no longer participate. At this point I think it is crucial for you to set up some boundries and stick to them.

It is one thing if you wife wants to continue in this relationship and she should if she so desires, but another to pull you into something you find unacceptable or detrimental to your own sanity.
As far as the graduation goes, you have every right to be there for your son and you should be. That does not mean you have to kiss up to the bfamily. Is there someplace you could escape to while bfamily is at the house? Personally I would never stay in the company of people I did not care for .
I wish you the best, I really do, but it appears your wife is not willing to see things your way.

EZ

[Dickons]

Is your wife stuck between a rock and a hard place because...birth mother by her manipulation brings up the fact each time that you are not there and your wife must then make excuses to pacify her birth mother? If yes, then perhaps you are the one she lashes out at because she trusts you, that is a natural instinct and once identified can be dealt with by using some agreed upon sign that she needs to take a breath and chill.

I feel for you because you are up against feelings in your wife about her birth family that come from so far inside her that they are instinctive...

Good luck,
Dickons

[Hollyp]

Originally Posted by r0ller

There is one coming up fairly soon. My son is graduating high shcool in June, and my wife plans on her birth mother and other birth relatives being at our house from 10:00 Saturday morning to about 10:00 Saturday night, preparing for and hosting his graduation party; the birth mother will stay at a hotel Saturday night, then back over to the house on Sunday for brunch, church and an afternoon at the community pool; stay at the hotel Sunday night then on Monday afternoon is the actual graduation.

It's almost like my wife is intentionally ensuring that the birth family is at all of these events so that I have to make a choice.

Do I give in or do I miss these events? (I will be at the graduation. I'll just be somewhere in the crowd instead of sitting with my wife and birth family).

Please participate in the graduation for your son. From a totally different perspective. My Mom and Step-Dad (who I consider my Dad). Seperated when I was 18. I was very ugly full of yelling, tears, and lies. Four years later my Dad chose not go to my wedding because he and my Mom could not be civil to each other. I am now 33 yrs old and a part of me is still angry at my Dad. Why couldn't he grow up and act like an adult for me for one day. It was my special day and I didn't have my Dad at my side giving me away. Please think about what effect this tension could have on you children. You don'y have to be friendly with her family but at least be visible as a part of the family unit.

[r0ller]

Everyone,
Thanks for the replies.

I'm leaning toward contacting the birth mother, whether by phone or email or in person, and have just me and her discuss the situation.

I think that maybe, just maybe, if the birth mother knows exactly where I stand, and that there are no misunderstandings that I'm doing this strictly for my son and wife's sake, then I may be able to work this out.

I haven't made up my mind yet, but this is the only option that seems even remotely possible at this time.

[bmomto2_momto2]

I think that is an intelligent choice and I hope it leads to positive results in easing this situation just enough to allow you and your wife time to resolve the problems this has caused in your marriage.

[bumblebeeskies]

I didn't want to hijack this thread, but I feel the need to comment on something that EZ2LUV said...

As an adoptee I have never desired any type of relationship with bfamily thank God

What is your point in stating this? Couldn't you simply have stated that you don't feel the need for a relationship with your bfamily? The "Thank God" at the end was really over the top! Your statement came across to me, as a very blanketed opinion that any/all relationship w/ bfamily is a horrible thing. If you actually had met your bfamily and it had gone wrong and all you were doing was trying to relate to the original poster, I could understand it. However, I can't understand this blanketed, "Thank God". Gah, why do people feel the need to make comments like this?

Also, while you have no desire to have anything to do with your bfamily, I hope that you realize that for some of us adoptees, we would give ANYTHING, to have a relationship with our bparents.

[JustPeachy]

I'm wondering why the bfamily cannot stay at a nearby hotel during these visits and just get together at the house for shorter periods of time (say a few hours, rather than 10-12 per day??). There must be some way to compromise on this issue.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by JustPeachy

I'm wondering why the bfamily cannot stay at a nearby hotel during these visits and just get together at the house for shorter periods of time (say a few hours, rather than 10-12 per day??). There must be some way to compromise on this issue.

Thats whatI was thinking and it is up to his wife to tell her birthmother that. Thats where I think she needs to respect her husbands place here. With saying that, I think HE has to back off from trying to judge the realtionship between his wife and her birthmother. He may very well be right in that she may be not he mot upstanding of citizens but it is not his place to tell his wife that. That is only going to make er more defensive.

[rainmon]

I have found myself in various versions of what your going through in my life time ....and my way of thinking is; do I want to be the bad guy here or the good guy? do I want to be the person causing the stress or the person helping to console?....
cuz the more you fight with her about these people the tighter she may hold on to them. they will become the underdogs that she needs to protect.
And why in the world should you miss out on your own sons graduating festivities, with "your" family...
you are ostracizing "yourself" by doing what your doing...and if it's not working...why do it?
it sounds like they may always have a stormy relationship....and there may be many more times where she may cut off contact with them...so will you then stand there and say I told you so each time?....
I just don't think that is what she will want to hear or even if you don't say it....will she feel it? it will just be another wedge to send your relationship awry. I don't think you want that. I'm sure she sees her families faults too... you don't have to rub her nose in it...and punish her for it.
I really think if you recede some... she will be very proud of you for doing it.... and sitting next to her at your sons graduation day and being there for her and your son the whole day, maybe if you stay busy with the camera or video camera, taking pictures to record the days events you will not have to chichat with those you wish not to.
Your choices are clear to me, you can either be the good guy and be there for her to help her through it....be her knight in shinning armor.... or be a ugly big brick wall refusing to budge or support her in anyway, and thereby drifting farther and farther apart.
in a way it seems you are saying to her....its either me or them.... please don't ask that of her.
maybe some anger threapy for yourself may benefit you before this event happens to find ways to let go of things that are destroying the very things you love.
learn ways to stay neutral, and let go of things that don't matter in the bigger picture and choosing your battles a bit more carefully so your not ever on the losing end.

[JustPeachy]

Another thing I wanted to say, but thought it might be too harsh, is: why does this woman's morals (or lack therof) concern you so? I get that she is obnoxious, you don't agree with her, don't like her, etc., however, has she done anything personally to you directly to harm you or abuse you? You don't have to like her. There are plenty of obnoxious people in my family who I don't agree with, who have opinions or behaviors that I don't like. I woudn't want to spend extended periods of time with them, however, I can tolerate seeing them at a family function for a few hours. I wouldn't want them staying at my house necessarily, or being with them in a more intimate setting, like dinner out alone, but in a group, I can ignore them and talk to those I want to talk to.