[jwmjwm]

Many times, I've said, "I love my adoptive parents, but I want to search for my biological parents. One has nothing to do with the other."

Is this basically the same thing as an adoptive parent saying, "I love the kids I adopted, but I wish I had a biological child. One has nothing to do with the other." ?

I haven't been so understanding of that second statement, but should I be? Is it the same or similar to what I've been saying?

I'd love input from both adoptees and adoptive parents on this.

[loveajax]

That's an interesting comparison...

My DH is an adoptee and I can tell you he wanted to have a bio child far more than I did because he was sad that he had no biological connections in the world (something I take for granted). So I don't think in either scenario (searching for bio parents/wanting a bio kid), you are saying you don't absolutely love and adore your parents/child (now that we have adopted, DH said, "oh I am glad we COULDN'T have a bio child." I don't see it that way, but I understand the point....if we hadn't suffered from infertility, we would not have DD right now, and I can't imagine that because I love her more than life itself).

Btw, DH has now searched for his birth mom, contacted her and she hasn't responded. So he may never "meet" anyone with his DNA....it makes me feel a little sad for him (but then again, I'm sort of "scared" sometimes reading reunion scenarios, and maybe this is just the way it is supposed to be).

On another note, I thought about going back to IF treatments after DD was born because they are covered by insurance and adoption is so expensive. And then I thought, what would DD think if she "knew" that....would she think having a bio kid was really important to me at this point (when it is not). So I didn't do it (and hope to adopt again).

Interesting thread!

[Scatterbrain]

I think maybe it is the word "but" in both statements that someone might have issues with. I love____________ but... It almost says but... I want something more.

I think if it means the same thing, but is taken differently when said--"I love my adopted parents AND would love to search for my biological family and get to know them as well."

and

"I love my children and I would love to have the experience of a pregnancy too."

It is not a one is better than the other situation just more to love and another experience, not a better experience.

[julie23]

sorry, not an adoptee.... but from the perspective of an adoptive mom who has both bio kids and a baby who was adopted.... well, i love that i have both... i love that i was able to have the biological children..... and i love that we were blessed to be able to adopt a baby....

but i don't know if they are similar... it is an interesting question to pose....

if i had not had my biological children, i would definitely feel a loss....

if was raised by adoptive parents, i would also feel a loss

maybe both situations raise the same type of questions:

what do my birthparents look like?
what would a biological child look like?

Who are my birthparents, what kind of people are they?
who would a bio child be? what kind of person would he have been?

it's not so much that what we have is lacking... or bad in anyway....

in theory, adoptive parents "replace" birthparents.... and the adopted child "replaces" the one that never was...

at least in the past... now, aparents are counseled to grieve the loss of the baby that never was... and we are counseled to recognize grief in the adopted child and allow him to grieve the loss of his birthfamily....

so, if in actuality, neither "replaces" what was lost... just creates a different family.... then, maybe they would be similar.

very interesting question. ... very thoughtful.

while I would be more understanding of a adoptee making that statement, I, too, may have been less patient with an adoptive parent saying such a thing...

although, a very good therapist once told me that anything you say prior to the word "but" becomes irrelevant when you say "but"... maybe that's why both those phrases bring up emotion....


julie

[jwmjwm]

Wow, great responses - thank you!

Loveajax, I felt much the same as your DH when it came to having children. I really wanted that biological connection in the world and I have to say, I love when I can see some feature of mine in my children.

Scatterbrain, I think you are absolutely right. Changing "but" to "and" makes a big difference.

[ocracoke]

I also like replacing the "but" with an "and." It makes it two separate statements.

I am an adoptee. I love my adoptive family. I can not imagine having another family. And I searched. Not because I was still looking for "my family" but because I wanted information.

I am an adoptive mom. I love my adopted daughter. I can not imagine having a different child. She belongs with me. And, frankly, I never really wanted to have a biological child. I always wanted to adopt. But like Loveajax pointed out most adoptees do want that biological connection to someone in their life.

My issue with bio vs. adopted children is not within me but what other people say about it. My sister (my bio sister but adopted with me) had her bio daughter 6 months after I brought my adopted daughter home and she told me that I would never really understand what it was like to be a parent until I "had one of my own." I was holding my daughter in my arms while she said that to me. I am not clear why she thinks my bond with my daughter is less then her bond with her daughter.

Samantha

[crick]

I think it is very similar, even with the "but" in there.

My dh is an adoptee and we have adopted our children. He would die for his kids and loves them completely. Is there a part of him that would like to see a biological connection in his kids? To see his eyes in his child? Sure. Does that mean he doesn't love his children with every fiber of his being or mean that he wishes they weren't his? No! They really have nothing to do with each other at all.

Now me...I'm not an adoptee and I never really had that strong desire to be pregnant or have a bio child. When fertility issues came up, I said "no thanks!" to any of the treatments and looked into adoption instead. I didn't care so much how I created my family, just wanted to be a mom. And if there is any inkling on my part to have a bio child it's for dh so he could experience that connection. It would have nothing to do with my love for my kids and one would not replace the other.

[bajj]

I love my children. I am very thankful to have them in my life! I am one, however, that would also love to experience pregnancy. It isn't going to work for me, and I am ok with that. It doesn't make me love my kids less.

My 6 yr old recently asked to see his Bmom. Fortunately, we were able to arrange that. he told her he loves her. Does that mean he loves me less? No, not at all.

I can see where it could come across as offensive to an adoptee, though.

[Scatterbrain]

I have known most of my life that I would never experience a pregnancy. I can honestly say that I have been ok with that. The part that of infertility that I mourned was the feeling of not being "normal" or some how "broken" and wondered if anyone would ever want me. (I learned of my infertility issues at the fun age of 14 years old) When I met my husband and knew that adoption was great for him and he also didn't feel the need to experience a pregnancy it was just a big "Yippee! We are adopting and when we were ready to adopt we did." I never really thought of it as "replacing" a birth child. It was just another way of building our family and I always thought of them as 100 % our children. Maybe that would be different if we tried to get pregnant for years and had an image in our minds of "our" child and had to grieve that loss... I don't know...Probably not. It is just our personalities. I don't think badly of those who do miss and desire the pregnancy experience though. I certainly don't think it means that they would love their children that are biologically related more than those that came to them through adoption.

I have also had friends tell me that I would never know full love unless I am able to experience a baby moving and growing and build a bond by breasting my child. My response was "That's a bunch of bunk! I didn't know your pregnancy experience and you didn't know my adoption experience. Both are beautiful in their own way. Adoption has it's own process and can be very frustrating but can also be beautiful. Can YOU imagine getting that picture for the first time of the child you have been waiting your whole life for. From that moment on that child was in my heart and I was in love.

I know that my children want to meet their first families and I understand that and want to help them with that and be there for them to support them in any way I can. I do not think that wanting to know your first family is in anyway a disrespect to the adopted family. One is not a replacement for the other. We have been given the wonderful opportunity to love many people and having more people to love and to love you back is not a bad thing. I also know that as much as my children love me, there is a feeling of imcompleteness that needs to be filled. I want that to be filled for them. It doesn't mean that they don't love me.

[akcskye]

I can't really see the comparison.

Yes, part of me has always wanted to be pregnant (I should say, carry a baby to term...I've been pregnant 5 times).

For me, it was to experience the baby living inside me, kicking, hearing it's heart beat on the doppler...etc etc etc.

For me, all of my miscarriages made me feel like *I* wasn't a woman...like I should have just been a man...why go through the trouble I have when a baby isn't going to be born by me?

Why should I have periods (which I have had since I was 7, yes SEVEN, btw), monthly hormone changes, etc etc etc when it's "for nothing".

I can understand and respect a child wanting to search for their biological parents. Completely.

But to compare it with an adoptive mother who may or may not wish to have had a biological child...I just can't compare it like you have.

Having children "the old fashioned way" is a natural part of life.

Just because one adopts doesn't mean that she can't also wish she could just be "normal" and have one herself and have anything but love for the child(ren) she has adopted, too.

An adoptee should never feel discounted by the parents wanting what nature seems to supply (abundantly, too, sometimes) to other women.

It hurts me when others (not saying you) act like I can only have it one way or the other...and if I long to have a child one way, that I am nothing but selfish if I want the other way, too.

[jwmjwm]

Akcskye, I'm not completely clear on how you think they are different. To love your adoptive parents or child, but long for that biological connection?

Adoptees are very often made to feel selfish if they want to search for biological parents, i.e., "Why would you want to hurt your (adoptive) parents that way?"

That biological connection can be a big loss. (Note that I am coming at this from the perspective of an adoptee from a completely closed adoption - no medical history to speak of, absolutely no identifying information, no way to contact any biological family.)

[loveajax]

JWM, did I read somewhere that you found your birth mom but she did not want contact (I'm sorry if I am confusing you with someone else)? Was this thru an intermediary? (I sort of wish DH had gone the intermediary route, even to have an "answer" that his birth mom did not want contact...hard as that may be to hear). Also, did the intermediary give you her "reasons." (Thanks, I'm sorry to hijack here...I'm just wondering in case DH wants to "do" something else besides sending the letter to which he hasn't heard back).

[jwmjwm]

Yes, Loveajax, you're right. ;-) I did make contact with my birth mother through an intermediary. I was born in D.C., and the process there to "open" sealed records is to apply for a court order. Then, if that is granted, the court appoints an intermediary (generally the agency that handled the adoption, or its successor) to try to find and make contact with specified birth family members. In my case, the intermediary eventually (after several years!) talked to my birth mother on the phone. She said she had never told anyone about my birth (not her mother, not her sister), and didn't want anyone to find out now. And yes, the intermediary told me those reasons - she told me pretty much the whole conversation.

The tough thing now is that my records, with the search complete, have been closed again. So if my birth mother ever changes her mind about giving me any info or meeting me, I think she would have to apply for a new court order.

Does your DH have the name of his birth mother? (I'm thinking he must, or it would have been hard to send a letter!) I don't have any identifying info about birth family. So it might be different for him... I know there are companies that will search, especially with a name. I don't have any experience with those, though.

[loveajax]

Thank you, JWM...Yes, he has her name (and a bunch of info). And he sent a letter (that I thought was pretty lovely, though I must admit he never exactly said, "please contact me"). That was about 4 months ago....I honestly wish somehow she would just acknowledge the letter (even if she were to say he was a "secret" or she was not ready to be in contact or whatever). Anyway, that is really c.rappy that she would need to apply for an order. Do you still have the intermediary's name...would he/she maybe just forward your info to your birth mom in case she decides to contact you in the future?

[jwmjwm]

I agree that it would be nice for your DH's birth mother to give him some kind of an answer, assuming she received the letter. And yes, passing on my info to my birth mom would seem to make sense(!), but apparently the rule is that if one party declines contact, no info is shared.