[akcskye]

An adoptee is searching to "belong" and find the ties to who created them...an adoptive mother wanting to be a parent "biologically" usually is longing to have a pregnancy and experience the miracle of birth.

Just because she adopted doesn't take that longing of wondering "what it would be like" away.

At least that's how it is with me.

So that's how I find it's difficult to compare the 2 statements.

Originally Posted by jwmjwm

Akcskye, I'm not completely clear on how you think they are different. To love your adoptive parents or child, but long for that biological connection?

Adoptees are very often made to feel selfish if they want to search for biological parents, i.e., "Why would you want to hurt your (adoptive) parents that way?"

That biological connection can be a big loss. (Note that I am coming at this from the perspective of an adoptee from a completely closed adoption - no medical history to speak of, absolutely no identifying information, no way to contact any biological family.)

[crick]

Akskye, I see your point, but in your last post you said "Just because she adopted doesn't take that longing of wondering "what it would be like" away." we could turn that around to read

"Just because an adoptee loves her parents doesn't take that longing of wondering "what it would be like" away."

There might be different reasons for wanting one or the other, but I think at the heart of the OP's question is if an adoptee searches we typically say it has nothing to do with their parents and their love for their parents. If an aparent decides to try for a bio child, do we say it has nothing to do with her adopted children or her love for them?

If an adoptee searches that can be seen as selfish to some. It can very well be seen as selfish to want to try for a bio/want one if you've adopted because the same tag line is usually applied to each situation, which is "Be happy with what you got and why do you need anything more?"

When in reality, one doesn't have anything to do with the other. Your wanting a bio child has nothing to do with the children you have, correct? Just as an adoptee's search doesn't have anything to do with the parents they have. (Under most circumstances anyway, not referring to abusive parents etc.)

Not to say any of the views some have towards each situation is necessarily right...just saying I see the connection/similarities in both situations.

[BrockBaby]

To me, the issue at hand is more about how many view adoption...from my experience with people outside of the "adoption community", adoption is often seen as a "replacement" method of creating a family, rather than just looking at it as a "different" way of creating a family. Why is it a bad thing to say that adoption is different, or why is it bad for an adoptive parent to still long for biological children? In my opinion, there is absolutely nothing "bad" about that. It doesn't cancel out the love, or the feelings of belonging if a person wants to have a biological child as well as their adopted children. I think that people get on a "high horse" if a family who has adopted children because of infertility still seeks to have a biological child, because in their eyes it is making "less" of the adopted child...and that is just not the case. I see this often, but I don't see it as often with people who have biological children, but still adopt to add to their family, it then somehow becomes an issue of "wow, look at them adopting..." I have seen this personally. I think we need to realize that wanting a biological child does not make a parent of an adopted child "unsatisfied" with their child...or that that child is "not enough"...if that were the case, then why don't we get "offended" that people want more than one child...after all, wasn't the first child enough? why did they feel the need to have more!?! how selfish to want to add yet another child to this world....See how ignorant that sounds! I think that the "attitudes" people have with people wanting biological children are just as ingnorant. If we could quit comparing, and just celebrate the unique families we choose to create through biology or adoption, we would find that there is more joy in this world to embrace.....

By-the-way....I am an adoptee, and I think that searching has NOTHING to do with parenting of the adoptive family....it's more of a need to know the truth of where you came from.....

[Nicole28]

That biological connection can be a big loss. (Note that I am coming at this from the perspective of an adoptee from a completely closed adoption - no medical history to speak of, absolutely no identifying information, no way to contact any biological family.)

I am in the same boat, jwm.

I hope that someday I will be able to have biological children. That connection between myself & a biological child is something I long for. However, I am also going back-and-forth as to whether or not I'd like to adopt after having biological children. I am not sure if adoption is something that I want to pursue - I want it sometimes and other times I think that it's not for me - but I am glad that my future husband is open to the possibility.

[bajj]

I wanted to add, as one who desired to experience pregnancy. Personally, I also desired to adopt. I discussed it with my husband before we got married and we both knew we would adopt someday. So, I do think one has nothing to do with the other. I love my children, no matter how they came to me. For me (and I know not all are this way) my love for my family trumps the biology.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by loveajax

Thank you, JWM...Yes, he has her name (and a bunch of info). And he sent a letter (that I thought was pretty lovely, though I must admit he never exactly said, "please contact me"). That was about 4 months ago....I honestly wish somehow she would just acknowledge the letter (even if she were to say he was a "secret" or she was not ready to be in contact or whatever). Anyway, that is really c.rappy that she would need to apply for an order. Do you still have the intermediary's name...would he/she maybe just forward your info to your birth mom in case she decides to contact you in the future?

I know how you feel for your DH, I felt the same way for myself. A go away would have been better than the nothing that I got. I did however get a letter from one of my older brothers last week.... I'm THRILLED!

[Oceans]

Belle!!! I dont mean to hijack here but... WOO HOO!!! I'm glad he wrote you!!!

[loveajax]

Belle, that is soooo awesome!!! I'm glad to hear it.