[Nicole28]

...all things that I have been called in past relationships.

As an adoptee, I wonder about possible abandonment & attachment issues [I've read the Primal Wound].

I have been dating my current boyfriend, Dan, for one year on May 4th. The next step - YAY - will be relocating somewhere where the economy is better than here in NY [ha!] and eventually marriage. Prior to this relationship, I dated the same man for almost six years. He was a drug user, an alcoholic & lacked motivation and ambition...but I loved him anyway.

Before I met Dan, I was very guarded about sharing my adoption with guys that I dated because I was afraid that I would scare them off. I am so thankful that Dan is supportive!

BUT - I find myself to be the following in romantic relationships, and it concerns me a little I guess & I am wondering if anyone else can relate:

• Exceptionally clingy at certain times - the "please don't go," Stage-5 Clinger type of stuff.
• I sometimes try a little TOO hard because I feel like I absolutely HAVE to or my partner will leave me.
• I occasionally have trouble when Dan goes out of town for a few days - case in point, I haven't heard from him in almost 24 hours [he is in Boston for the Red Sox baseball games until tomorrow night] and I am starting to be very worried...it is unlike him to go more than a day without sending, at the very least, a text message, especially because he knows that I am a worrier!
• I am often jealous and feel intimidated and threatened by other females.
• I am insecure - is the you-know-what okay? Am I pretty enough? Am I a good enough cook? Yada yada yada.
• In previous relationships, I've equated sex with love...which, of course, complicated everything & confused me.

These are just a few examples - my concern is that I am so emotionally craving an emotional connection that, in the past, I have allowed myself to participate in destructive relationships because of my inherent fear that I will be abandoned.

After a year I am just now really beginning to feel a sense of security in my relationship - a feeling that this is a forever thing, I can relax a little, and that Dan isn't leaving. It's all very complicated! I just wonder if other adult adoptees can relate to this.

[loveis]

Are you kidding, I have been with my husband for 15 years and I still don't know why he is with me. I have pushed away most people in my life that I have cared about for just the reasons that you stated. I overlove thinking that they would stay, but then once I have them in my life I am too scared to actually have the relationship so ultimately I push them away. Didn't realize why all of this was happening until I was in reunion and read Primal Wound (story of my life pretty much).

Now with my bmom, I am having such a trust issue but I am doing what I can to change my previous relationship behavior so that I do not push her away. We'll see if I can actually pull that off.

I have felt no sense of self worth at all, not sure why anyone is in my life?? But I am trying to change that, now that I know where it stems from I can consciously try to behave differently so I do not push away the important people in my life.

You are feeling what many adoptees feel, you are not alone. I used to think I was unique! LOL!!!!

[curiositykitten]

I can relate to everything that you've both said. I'm only now starting to see it a little more clearly and try to work on it with myself.

[doug43223]

I will give a little male insight on this, I too have always had abandonment issues, and have destroye every relationship I have been in and wanted to keep by being clingy, moving to fast, all things that are typically blamed on woman, so I think it may be an adption issue. I have reunited with bmom, and still early in the relationship, but so far I think it has helped. I know at least mny self esteem has improved, more to do with meeting my sisters than mom though.

[jwmjwm]

Nicole, I wonder how much of this is about adoption, and how much of it is just about being young. I'm ancient and married now, but in my younger dating days, especially my earlier and mid-twenties, I acted much like you describe. It took my getting older and more sure of myself - getting my footing in the world - to make me more secure. It took me a long time before I could step back and start asking, "Is this person right for me," instead of "Am I good enough for this person?" So, yes, I can definitely relate, but I'm not sure if this is actually an adoption issue.

[radiodoll]

Yeah, I get it. All true. And not at all surprising that you would fall for your ex, either. I like to address codependency through the texts of Melody Beattie. I also read her daily meditations each morning as a finishing touch to paryers. Good stuff.

[Tina29]

I think we share a brain. You just described me and as i like to call them my self destructive relationships. Thankfully i like you found a supportive guy but after 6 yrs still no marriage. I even after all this time am still very fearful. Could however have to do with the fact that since we aren't married after all this time It is so unstable or at least it feels that way. I am not sure if i will ever be able to find the "right one" if he isn't it. So know that you are sooooo not alone hugz Tina

[Sheriv]

Hey,

It is so great that you are recognizing this in yourself. I would definitely say that your behavior stems from your adoption. Have you ever tried therapy? People rebel from it but it helps in a very real way to get a handle on your actions and your life, especially if you want to perserve the relationship your in. Find someone in your neighborhood with attachment experience (even if it was for a child) and see what shakes out.

Congrats on the self awareness.

[jwmjwm]

Sheriv, I'm interested to know how you are so sure this behavior stems from adoption. Do you have personal experience with these issues in adult adoptees? I have certainly seen people who are not adoptees have these same issues, sometimes to a severe degree. I'm not saying it's impossible that this behavior is related to adoption, but I do hate to see every relationship issue that an adult adoptee may be dealing with blamed on adoption. But if you have evidence that this is the case, I'm interested to know about it.

[bprice215]

I concur with jwmjwm, I too would like to see your evidence.
bprice215

[Howdy]

I'd also concur with the above, it sounds like low self esteem issues and it is great that you are so tuned into yourself and that will no doubt help you grow out/past the low self esteem, but although I can see how some adoptees would find the adoption a contributor to low self esteem (depending on how they were treated in the adoptive family), there are sure a lot of people with low self esteem that were not adopted.

As far as not feeling pretty enough or good enough, I don't think we need to look any farther than the media to explain that. We are brainwashed for years that our skin is too pimply, our underarms stink, our hair is drab and lifeless, our abs are unacceptable, and thighs, well a pretty woman just doesn't have those!

[loveis]

The issues that adoptess have stem from abandonment, though everyone has abandonment issues, adoptees start their lives off this way, sorry to say. So the feelings of not good enough go right back to abandonment. (Many birth mothers have these issues too). Of course NOT ALL adoptees feel this way and as we all know everyone has issues. Read some books on this, Primal Wound for one.

I have these issues, they are deep seeded and at times paralyizing and I am an adoptee. I am working on it!

Generally everyone starts off with a clean slate, but adoptees do not and some are affected in a lot of ways, I happen to be one of those that has been affected by adoption. If I wasn't adopted I am sure I would have other issues LOL!!!

I don't blame adoption, but it is an underlying cause of my issues and you can believe it or not but for me it is true.

Denying that I have the issues or why I have them would be denying who I am.

Again, not all adoptees have these issues (or at least aren't conscious of it)

[jwmjwm]

I believe that some adoptees may have issues as a result of having been adopted. Loveis, if you feel that is the truth for you, I'm certainly not going to argue with you! That's for you to sort out.

Nicole started out by saying she was wondering about possible abandonment and attachment issues as a result of adoption - whether these could have caused the needy behavior she has sometimes shown. My answer was, "not necessarily."

I've certainly had my share of issues, but I happen not to believe that they are a result of my having been adopted. Could it be a factor? Possibly. But in my opinion, it's a lot more complicated than that.

[Nicole28]

I definitely do not think that all of my aforementioned issues stem directly from my adoption.

When I was seeing a therapist in October-November of 2007 we discussed some of the above issues and we also briefly touched on my self-esteem and my feeling of not being good enough. The therapist also met with my parents alone and with me present, and after asking lots of questions she attributed my intense need to do well to the pressure that my Dad puts on me. That makes perfect sense...my Dad excelled in high school and played every sport they offered. He payed his way through college and then excelled in the work force. There's one issue that has nothing to do with adoption right there! Thank goodness we've reached a place where we're happy with where I'm at - my Dad just wants me to be happy and understands that I'm not who he was when he was 23.

I also know that a lot of my issues are things that any young person in their twenties deals with - will I grow out of some of the low self-esteem and the relationship-type worries? Hopefully. Yesterday was my one year anniversary, and I am thankful to have a partner who is supportive and loving - - and I no longer feel like I have to go out of my way to try and "keep" him because I know that he wants to be here and that he loves me not because of what I do, but for who I am, and I think there is a real maturity in finally feeling free to relax in a relationship.

Do I think that perhaps I have a tendency to be a little whiny and overbearing because I was raised as an only child in a fairly wealthy home? YES. I am surprisingly low-maintenance for having come out of that kind of environment, though. I was [and still am to some degree] used to getting whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, but with limits - I was lucky, but never spoiled. And I was raised with the understanding that hard work and dedication are what make you successful - but still, I'll attribute my whiny, needy days to only-child syndrome ha.

[bprice215]

I'm certainly glad you posted this thread for it may have help you see who you really are and how blessed we all are. Good luck and keep reaching for the stars Nicole.
bprice215