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  #1  
Old 04-21-2008, 10:10 AM
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Nicole28 Nicole28 is offline
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Question What do YOU call your Biological Mother?

I am curious as to what other adoptees call their "biological mother."

I try to avoid the term "birthmother" because, for me, it implies that this woman did more than just give birth. I am really at a loss when it comes to adequately explaining this, but I will try. The word "birthmother" seems much more intimate, like there is a connection between she & the adopted child, and I do not feel a connection or any feeling of intimacy when it comes to the woman who gave birth to me. If I were in reunion or had developed some kind of relationship with this woman, perhaps I'd feel differently and want to use the word "birthmom" to describe her.

I refer to her as my "biological mother," and I even take small issue with this phrasing. I like "biological" because it simply implies that [in scientific terms] I am a "product" of another living thing. I take issue, though, with the use of "mother." "Mother" is defined as "a woman who has given birth to a child." For ME personally, however, I prefer to define "mother" as "the natural or social female parent of an offspring."

In my situation, my adoptive mom [who I rarely refer to in this way; I generally do not refer to her as my "a-mom" either - I usually just call her "mom!"] is my "natural" and "social" parent. I only have one mom. In regards to my biological mother, the word "mother" - for me - implies that this woman had a hand in "mothering" or "nurturing" me, and clearly, she did not.

What I am about to say is probably going to garner some negative responses, but I am prepared for that and I do not say this with disrespect for biological mother's or father's, nor do I intend to belittle them or claim that they are of no value. For all intents and purposes, in my own adoption situation, my biological mother is really no more than an egg and uterus to me, and my biological father is really no more than a sperm donor. IF - and this is a big if - I were blessed enough to have contact with my biological mother, perhaps I would feel differently and, having had established some kind of connection, [whether it be asking questions & getting answers or having a "friendship" where we sent emails and Christmas cards once and awhile] I would most likely be able to see her as a person instead of an obscure, unimaginable entity. The use of "sperm donor" in reference to my biological father is more fitting - he apparently "casually dated" my biological mother, and she discovered her pregnancy after they had broken up. She never told him that she was pregnant, let alone tell him that she was relinquishing the child that he created for adoption.

All that being said - I know that there are a lot of ways to refer to a biological mother..."birthmom," "first mom," "natural mom," "angel mom," etc. What do you call her, and why?

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  #2  
Old 04-21-2008, 11:36 AM
loveis loveis is offline
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Wow about 8 months ago I felt the way you do. I have one mother that's it. 7 months ago (today actually) I met my other Mother. You can not know until you meet your bmom how you will feel, TRUST ME, don't get ahead of yourself. If anyone would have told me I would feel the way I do about my bmom I would have said they were nuts and I would have been dead wrong. I know not everyone has the experiance that I have had, I am truly blessed. I have two mothers whom each have their own spot in my heart and my life. The love I have for my bmom is hers and hers alone, it has been waiting for her my whole life. And the love for my amom is hers. The love and feelings that I have for my amom have not changed or lessened since meeting my bmom. I have two mothers!

What to call bmom, that is tricky depending on who I talk to. This is one of the hardest parts of reunion and one that is debated quite frequenly and emotionally on these forums. IMHO I think respect and love are way more importnat than the titles given. I will probably never get the titles right when talking about bmom or to her. But the love and respect, I get that right and always will.

Not sure if this helped!

By the way, your quote on peace, that is the way my Bmom has made me feel, calm in my heart in the midst of all the craziness in my life! No one has ever given me that kind of peace in my heart. I love that quote!

Last edited by loveis : 04-21-2008 at 11:38 AM.
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  #3  
Old 04-21-2008, 12:27 PM
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I use the term natural mother. That is the term I grew up using.
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  #4  
Old 04-21-2008, 01:04 PM
austin0i austin0i is offline
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I call her mom.
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Old 04-21-2008, 01:53 PM
meganicolson meganicolson is offline
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I rarely ever post on this section of the forums since I am in the middle of the adoption process right now and that keeps us busy, but I am an adult adoptee and an adoptive mom of two (soon to be 4 or 5). The title of your post caught my attention and I was so curious I just had to read it.

Interestingly enough, I wrote out my adoption story and posted it on the adoptee section of another adoption forum last year and was flamed by some birth mothers for my choice of the term I used for my "birth lady". I feel similar to the original poster in that the word "mother" carries so much meaning and the woman who gave birth to me did not mother me. I DID meet my birth lady five years ago and we keep in touch through letters and an occasional email, but even still, she is not my mom. I have only one mom and that is my adoptive mom. Birth lady is the way I choose to describe my biological/birth mother. I feel that as the adoptee it is my right to voice the role she has played in my life. It is the adoptee who has such a small voice in the adoption triad.

On a side note, two of our adopted children were adopted at age 4 months in a foreign country. Their birth ladies made adoption plans for them, though very different from one another. They were placed for adoption the very day they were born. I will respect my children's choice to call their birth ladies by the term that is most comfortable to them. However, for the children that we are in the process of adopting, they will be older and will be coming from an entirely different situation where they will know their mother - a mother who by necessity has either abused, abandoned or neglected them in order for them to have been removed from their home and placed in an orphanage. This is also going to take some working through and I will respect their choice to call their former mother by the term that is most comfortable to them. It is something we will all be working through together, but I want to be sensitive to our children.

Thanks for bringing up this topic! Great discussion.
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  #6  
Old 04-21-2008, 02:42 PM
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My birthson calls me Kathy. We share a fairly strong relationship at this point, 2 1/2 years into our relationship. His mother is the woman who raised him. (Period) I, personally, am enjoying the separate, unique relationship we do have. It has been incredible for me to recognize how strong the genetic component has proved to be in D's personality. I really wasn't prepared for that!

That said, Nicole, I hear that, for you, the people who provided the genetic material that created you are two dimensional and doen't really exist as people for you. I would comment that physiologically, your egg and uterus provider did nurture you for 9 months so that you were born alive and healthy (an assumption on my part). I've been pregnant 3 times, and trust me, it affected much more than my uterus. How sure are you that the information you have about the gestational parents is accurate? Many adoptees will tell you that the information they were given they found to be inaccurate.

I wish you well in your life's journey.
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  #7  
Old 04-21-2008, 03:07 PM
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I call my birthmother by her first name when talking to other people about her. Frankly, in our two meetings I didn't call her anything! On forums like this, or in general conversation with someone not familiar with my situation, I call her my birthmother, and I don't have any problem with that term myself. I don't have a mother-daughter type of relationship with my birthmother, but do feel that she is more than an egg donor. While I consider the woman who raised me to be my mother (and, as such, refer to her as mom--not adoptive mom), I feel that my birthmother DID make the decision to give birth, and in my mind that makes her more than just a donor. I do correct people when they refer to "your mom" in conversations regarding my birthmother (my extended family has done this on occasion), but it doesn't bother me (it may have in the past, but not now).

I personally object to the term "natural mother", because that would imply that my adoptive parents are not "natural" (and, conversely, that as an adopted child I am unnatural). Same with the term "real", last time I checked my adoptive parents were not imaginary. I'm okay with first mom, but personally think I would be more inclined to use that term with children who had a relationship with their biological mother.

I suppose you could rearrange the wording, and simply refer to her as "the woman who gave birth to me". I don't know that anyone could find a simple statement of fact offensive.
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  #8  
Old 04-21-2008, 03:41 PM
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Nicole, your posts always make me think.

I seem to go back and forth in the terms that I use - birthmother, first mother, and biological mother. I do use the word "mother," because I believe she truly was my first mother. She took care of me for nine months while pregnant with me (no easy feat, I now know!), spent time with me for a few weeks after I was born, and, after deciding she could not parent me as a single woman in the 1960s (my birthfather said he would not marry her), made the biggest decision of my life for me and placed me for adoption.

To me, "birth" mother is probably the least appealing term. I think it implies that the my only connection to her was birth, and I think that not only did she do more than that, but we continue to have a connection.

Sometimes I use "biological" mother, because to me, that does imply more of an ongoing relationship. Then again, it does seem a bit too "scientific," as if I were spawned in a petrie dish.

I guess I prefer to say, "first mother," because that's truly what she was in my life. She was my mother first.

I don't mean to romanticize her role in my life, but I do respect it. I think of myself with my firstborn when she was a few weeks old. I wasn't any less a mother because I hadn't been one for very long.
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Old 04-21-2008, 03:44 PM
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jwmjwm
Quote:
I don't mean to romanticize her role in my life, but I do respect it. I think of myself with my firstborn when she was a few weeks old. I wasn't any less a mother because I hadn't been one for very long.
Thank you for that... It was nice to hear.
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  #10  
Old 04-21-2008, 04:04 PM
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Nicole28 Nicole28 is offline
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Quote:
How sure are you that the information you have about the gestational parents is accurate? Many adoptees will tell you that the information they were given they found to be inaccurate.

kakuehl, what information are you referring to?


Thanks for your responses. I guess what we're all saying one way or another is that whatever we choose to call our biological mother's is acceptable - and also that the term may change as the relationship, if any, changes too.
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  #11  
Old 04-21-2008, 04:33 PM
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kakuehl kakuehl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nicole28
kakuehl, what information are you referring to?


Thanks for your responses. I guess what we're all saying one way or another is that whatever we choose to call our biological mother's is acceptable - and also that the term may change as the relationship, if any, changes too.

I was referring to the comment that your biological parents were dating casually and that she never told him she was pregnant. The reason I asked is that somehow it seems the information parents were given in closed adoptions wasn't always accurate. D's parents were given accurate information but not everything that I gave the agency was given to them.

I agree with you, btw, that there is no one right term for "biological parents." Words have different meanings for all of us; what is acceptable to one person is considered offensive by another.
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  #12  
Old 04-21-2008, 04:47 PM
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Unhappy

I have no way of confirming whether or not my biological mother told my biological father that she was pregnant. I assume that this is a correct statement because the info. regarding my bio-father matches on all 3 pieces of non-ID info. that I've received.
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Old 04-21-2008, 05:54 PM
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I tend to prefer biological mother, although here, I refer to her as a birthmom as that seems the most common.

I realize some may feel the biological is to cold or scientific, but I don't think of it that way. She's the woman who I am realated to biologically. We share DNA. That's a pretty cool relationship if you ask me.

Of course, I'm not in reunion either, so my feelings could change drastically if that ever happens.
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Old 04-22-2008, 08:47 AM
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It seems that there is always some sort of discussion on what to call parts of the triad. I am also of the persuasion that I only have one mom. She is the one who raised me. However, I understand that my bmom also loved me, and "mothered" me for over nine months in the womb, and then for several weeks at the hospital. And I know that she loved me, even though we were apart. And I respect that, and I love her for who she is to me, but she is not my mom.

I have a bcousin (actually we are second cousins, but she was extremely close to my bmom) who would get upset with me when I would correct her when she called my bmom, "your mom", and I would have to say you mean, "D"? I have a mom. She would get soo upset and say, why do you always have to point out that you have parents...I know that! And as much as I tried to make her understand, she just wouldn't.

Well a few weeks ago I happened to be in the building she works at, so I stopped in to see her. She introduced me to her boss and let's just say we spent the next two hours in an almost "counseling" session..lol The boss, however, made a major point. She told the bcuz, that she had no right to expect me to call my bmom, mom, and that if that is not what I wanted her to be refered to concerning me, she should respect that. She made the point that the word, Mom, has an EMOTIONAL attachment to it for many people. And that even though she isn't adopted, she was not able to call her MIL, Mom, because she had a Mom. I really think that that has helped both the bcuz and me to see that for ME the actual word MOM has an emotional connotation to it that only allows me to call MY mom, Mom.

And to be honest, I think that the whole question you originally asked, boils down to that. The emotional attachment we feel both towards our bmoms, amoms, and the words themselves. We can not force anyone to feel something they don't, or be something that they don't want to be to us. We can not let other people's opinions decide what is best for us. We just have to search our hearts and do what is right for us...
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Old 04-25-2008, 06:52 AM
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Before I met my Bio-Mom I just refered to her as my "birthmom"...LOL....Now that we have met and have a relationship I call her "Mamma Vicki."
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