[Mommy24]

Originally Posted by kathy79

I wish we could focus more on building the relationships than what we are going to call each other. But I understand how important the name thing this.

For clarification purposes only, My birth son calls me Michelle, and if he wanted to call me Helga it wouldn't bother me, I am just glad he calls upon me, period. However, it isn't what he calls me that would bother me, but if he saw me as an incubator or a vessel, I would be hurt, as that is not how I see the myself for the 9 months that I cared for him and the remaining 17 years that I have spent loving him.

But I have been fortunate enough to have placed him with parents who value who I am in his life, who have taught him that I am more than just a vessel, that I was his first mom.

[JustPeachy]

But I have been fortunate enough to have placed him with parents who value who I am in his life, who have taught him that I am more than just a vessel, that I was his first mom.

Me too, and it is a wonderful blessing for which I am grateful every day.

[Nicole28]

I'm wondering, from the reverse perspective, how would you feel if your biological mother felt that you were the equivalent...let's say in this case that you were nothing more than...I'll use the word "offspring" becasuse that's all I can think of. I'm pondering this from my own exprience reuniting with my bios. I honestly don't know how I would feel if that's what my biological mother thought of ME.

I always wonder what my biological mother thinks about me. Does she grieve because she lost a child? I would never know unless we were in contact, you know? I would understand, though, if she were to refuse contact and claim that I was not a part of her life, or that I wasn't necessarily her "child." Would I be hurt? Of course. But I'd understand.

The idea of a biological mother really "deserving" the title of "mother" was presented to me in another really thoughtful and beautiful way via a PM today - a forum member expressed to me how, during her pregnancy, she had already begun to love her baby and she knew even before she gave birth that she would do whatever she could to protect & nurture her child. The idea of "if that doesn't qualify a woman as a mother, then what does?" sort of applies here...I get what the bio-mother's are saying here. I really do. And I completely resign myself to the fact that if I were in contact, I am positive that I'd begin to feel differently about my bio-mother...maybe I'd even want to develop a close-knit relationship with her.

Man, you guys just bring out all kinds of emotions in me! I don't know whether to hug you or curse you, ha.

I also like the idea of focusing more on the relationship that develops during contact and less on what you'd call one another - still, it's a fascinating question.

[Mommy24]

Nicole~ Adoption is filled with soo much emotion I don't know about you, but for me, today I might cry and tomorrow I am so happy you couldn't slap the smile off my face But one thing remaims consistent for me and that is the feelings I have had for my birth son all of his life.

I think you are doing a great job of keeping an open mind, sorting through all of the emotions and I am really glad you are here

Keep talking, I am listening and though I may not always agree with you and you may not always agree with me, we are always going to learn something if we open our hearts and minds to it.

[loveis]

Originally Posted by Nicole28

And I completely resign myself to the fact that if I were in contact, I am positive that I'd begin to feel differently about my bio-mother...maybe I'd even want to develop a close-knit relationship with her.

Man, you guys just bring out all kinds of emotions in me! I don't know whether to hug you or curse you, ha.

I also like the idea of focusing more on the relationship that develops during contact and less on what you'd call one another - still, it's a fascinating question.

If anyone told me that today I would not only know my birth mother but have an amazing relationship with her and want to call her Mom I would have told them they were nuts and would have been exteremely adament about that fact! I could not have called her Mom just because we met, but now since getting to know her and having her become a huge part of my life she has earned that title and deserves it! You just never know what is going to happen! I have truly learned that anything is possible and just because you feel one way today you may not feel that way the next day!

[kakuehl]

It's been interesting to follow this thread. The words we use are so emotion-laden. As I have stated before, D has one mom and that's the woman who raised him. What complicates it for me is that he is my firstborn child. Adoption didn't change that, nor did it stop me loving him. He calls me by my first name (as I call him by his, lol). We have a lot in common because of our genetics. (As I have said a number of times, "reunion" with D has given me a whole new perspective on the Nature/Nuture argument.) On the other hand, he is comfortable sharing things with me that he isn't with his mom, just because I'm not the one who raised him.

Nicole, you are very right. You don't know how you will feel. I think I would have been ok just knowing D was alive and well if all he wanted was medical history and family background. In some ways, being in reunion brings up emotions that I would not have to wrestle with if we didn't have a relationship. Reunion, like life is a journey. Relationships shift and grow (or not). I can only hope if you are ever in contact with the woman who gave birth to you, that it will be as enriching to your life as getting to know D has been to mine.