[Snappys]

Such a good question...I'm still trying to figure that one out

[pharrell45]

......if you feel that way. For your "birthmother's"
sake it would be better to never meet you. She
deserves better. I am a birthmother and have
known many other birthmothers, and 99% of them were heartbroken
to have to part with their newborns. Many have
grieved for years over the loss. I am also a
search angel who has helped many adoptees find
their "birthmother" and can tell you from experience
that "non-identifying information" is rarely completely
correct, and often all made up. Probably 99% of
those I have helped to reunite are completely
happy and satisfied with their reunions and glad
they searched and found their birthmoms.

[Jan18]

Originally Posted by hrisme

I call my birthmother by her first name when talking to other people about her. Frankly, in our two meetings I didn't call her anything! On forums like this, or in general conversation with someone not familiar with my situation, I call her my birthmother, and I don't have any problem with that term myself. I don't have a mother-daughter type of relationship with my birthmother, but do feel that she is more than an egg donor. While I consider the woman who raised me to be my mother (and, as such, refer to her as mom--not adoptive mom), I feel that my birthmother DID make the decision to give birth, and in my mind that makes her more than just a donor. I do correct people when they refer to "your mom" in conversations regarding my birthmother (my extended family has done this on occasion), but it doesn't bother me (it may have in the past, but not now).

I personally object to the term "natural mother", because that would imply that my adoptive parents are not "natural" (and, conversely, that as an adopted child I am unnatural). Same with the term "real", last time I checked my adoptive parents were not imaginary. I'm okay with first mom, but personally think I would be more inclined to use that term with children who had a relationship with their biological mother.

I suppose you could rearrange the wording, and simply refer to her as "the woman who gave birth to me". I don't know that anyone could find a simple statement of fact offensive.

I love what you said in the first paragraph! That is exactly how I feel about my reunion. When I talk about my bmom I refer to her by her name, sometimes, I call her mom, depending on the context of the conversation. I love both of my moms. If you would have told me that I would call my bmom "mom" when I am with her, I would have called you a liar, but she IS my mom. It just sort of happened after spending a week with her and my sisters. I felt awkward calling her by her first name when my sisters were yelling "mom!" all the time. I also call her momma. I hate saying "birthmom". I only use the term to clarify who everyone is! I am sure people are very confused when I talk about my family!! Can't wait till my daughter starts school and is telling everyone about he family!

[smallflower2]

It is difficult to know what to call someone that you have never met. For me, I have always referred to her as my birth mother. Some people sometimes, and still, refer to her as my "real" mother. That really makes me mad and I have no problem correcting them and pointing out to them that my "real" mother is the one that raised me. My birth mother gave me life, which I am truly thankful for. Even now that I have met her, I either refer to her as my birth mother or by her first name.

[dpen6]

We have the right to call them whatever makes us feel comfortable as long as there is respect(respect being defined by the adoptee). I really get upset when others in generally society or even within the triad have the audicty to attempt to "scold" us into calling them what makes them feel comfortable because of a situation that we were put into. If in fact we had good moms in out adoptions we have every right to say calling our bmoms, mom makes us uncomfortable.

I personally called my bmom her first name. Didnot feel comfortable using anything else. For no other reason execpt that I was not raised by her....I give her total credit for my genes, my birth , but not the mothering of my childhood. That is NOT a judgemnt in anyway, just a fact.

IMO..it shows respect for me for the birthmothers reading to understand that..I do beleive that most do.

Another point, when introducing a bmom asking them what to be called is respectful...ie..bmom, natural mom ect....

[Nicole28]

Why Are You Searching.....
......if you feel that way. For your "birthmother's"
sake it would be better to never meet you. She
deserves better. I am a birthmother and have
known many other birthmothers, and 99% of them were heartbroken
to have to part with their newborns. Many have
grieved for years over the loss. I am also a
search angel who has helped many adoptees find
their "birthmother" and can tell you from experience
that "non-identifying information" is rarely completely
correct, and often all made up. Probably 99% of
those I have helped to reunite are completely
happy and satisfied with their reunions and glad
they searched and found their birthmoms.

I'm a little offended. Because I don't want to refer to the woman who gave birth to me as "mother," she deserves better and I don't deserve to meet her?! I think you're missing the point!

To me, the word "mother" implies much, much more than just giving birth - maybe you need to re-read my original post to get a better idea of what I meant.

I am searching because I want my medical history. I am on the fence as far as wanting a relationship with my biological mother is concerned. I would certainly never turn her away if she were to contact me, and I would never "use her" as a means of getting information and then cut ties with her, as some people have suggested I may do here on the forums.

I agree with other's who have said that "it is hard to decide what you would call someone that you have never met." I do know that I would never call my biological mother "mom." I have a mom! I would most likely refer to her by her first name - that's how she'd refer to me, you know?

The suggestion that it would be better for my bio-mother to never meet me really stings...I don't discount the fact that she most likely went through some kind of grieving process - I've said countless times in my life, and here on the forums, that I admire her for making a difficult, selfless choice...despite not truly knowing the circumstances that led to my relinquishment. That being said, I can refer to how however I'd like - I don't find "biological mother" disrespectful at all. I feel ok with that decision, and if I met her and this ever came up in discussion I'd respectfully explain where I'm coming from to her. I'm all about respect!

[meganicolson]

Originally Posted by dpen6

We have the right to call them whatever makes us feel comfortable as long as there is respect(respect being defined by the adoptee). I really get upset when others in generally society or even within the triad have the audicty to attempt to "scold" us into calling them what makes them feel comfortable because of a situation that we were put into. If in fact we had good moms in out adoptions we have every right to say calling our bmoms, mom makes us uncomfortable.

I personally called my bmom her first name. Didnot feel comfortable using anything else. For no other reason execpt that I was not raised by her....I give her total credit for my genes, my birth , but not the mothering of my childhood. That is NOT a judgemnt in anyway, just a fact.

I can really relate to this post because on another, adoptee section of a (different) adoption forum I was scolded (by a birth mother) for my use of the term "birth lady" when sharing my adoption story. First of all...it was the adoptee section of the forum where the adoptees are supposed to feel safe to share. Second, it is the adoptee member of the triad who has little to no say in their situation in the adoption. The least that can be done is for other triad members to respect the adoptee's perspective, and in this situation, their choice of wording.

I respect my birth lady and credit her for many things, but she did not "mother" me in the way that the word mother brings many connotations to mind. So, for me to say S is my "birth mother" would not be a true statement. As an adoptee I can reserve the right to save the name "mother" for my mom. (For any who might need clarification, that would be my adoptive mom...the one who changed my diapers, rocked me to sleep, tucked me in, spanked me, taught me to ride a bike, drive a car, play piano, held me when I cried or was sick, etc., etc., etc.) Whew...I didn't know I felt so intense about this!

[Nicole28]

Megan - I rarely call my mom my "adoptive mom" or "a-mom" on the forums because I only have one mother...so I don't find it necessary to make a distinction.

I think that the reason some biological mothers may take offense to our definition of what a "mother" is because they may find a certain betrayal in not being considered a "mother," you know? I do not believe that giving birth constitutes a mother. Neither does grieving for the child they relinquished for years and years. I'm sorry - I know that sounds harsh. At the same rate, I don't consider myself to be my biological mother's "daughter." She gave birth to me, then relinquished her parental rights - I'm the child that she relinquished for adoption, but I'm not her daughter. She may think of me as her daughter, however, but since we are not in contact, I suppose that is neither her nor there.

I find it interesting that the first definition for "daughter" when you do a Google search is "a female offspring; "her daughter cared for her in her old age" [from a website linked to Princeton University!]. This isn't an "adoptee-friendly" definition, if you want to get down to the nitty gritty and get technical, ha - - because unless I find myself in reunion and develop that kind of relationship with my bio-mother, I'd find it impossible to relate to the second half of Princeton's definition! Just food for thought.

The point is - like dpen said, as long as there is respect, then whatever we choose to call whomever should be okay. I just spoke with my boyfriend, who is out of town for business, and he found out that a guy that he will be working with was adopted from Korea in the 80's. This guy is in reunion with his biological mother, a half-sister and a biological uncle, and he refers to them by their first names, despite a bit of backlash from his bio-mother, who claimed that not referring to her as his "mother" was disrespectful of their deep tradition of honoring your mother and father. He apparently only identifies with his American roots and has limited exposure to any kinds of Korean traditions, so he told my boyfriend that there was some tension for awhile...their relationship consists of one visit to Korea a year for him [and he spends most of that time with his half-sister, who is a year younger than him, and some friends] and cards & phone calls.

[Mommy24]

Nicole, I totally respect your right to call your birth mom by her first name, but as a birth mom I would like to chime in here just a bit.

I am not my son's parent, but I will always be his mom, not only mom, not the one who sat with him at night when he was sick, not the one to kiss his bo boo's, not the one to cheer him on at his first football game,you get the picture. However, I was his First mom to love him, I DID love him first, I was his first mom to take care of him before he ever made his grand entrance into this world, I was his first mom to read to him, to tell him how much he was loved, I was his first mom to ensure that his life outside of my body would be the best I could give him, even if that meant not with me, I was his first mom to make sure that he was born healthy by taking care of not only him but by taking care of me, you get the picture.

I was NOT just a vessel, an incubator if you will. I was his mom until I signed those rights to him over to his mom and dad, what I never signed over was my right to love him and care about him for the rest of my days. Thankfully he sees that, not sure I could live with myself if he didn't. Anyway, just a birth mom's perspective, I will not debate this with you, like I said, I totally respect your rights and desires to do whatever makes you comfortable.

Good luck to you!

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by pharrell45

...if you feel that way. For your "birthmother's" sake it would be better to never meet you. She deserves better. I am a birthmother and have known many other birthmothers, and 99% of them were heartbroken to have to part with their newborns. Many have grieved for years over the loss.

I have to tell you that as a birthmother, I am a little offended at this statement you're making ostensibly on behalf of all bmoms. How do you know that it would be better for a bmom not to meet her now-grown child who only wants medical information and not a relationship? I'm sure that would be incredibly painful, but most bmoms I've known thru the years who have not yet reunited with their bchildren would jump at the chance to meet them, even if it was only a one-time event.

I reunited with my son over 18 years ago, and we have an ongoing relationship, so I have to admit I do not know how it would feel to be contacted solely for medical history and family background. But it seems to me that many birthmothers would want to at least know that their child is alive and well, even if the one who was adopted doesn't want a relationship. Knowing anything about our children can be very healing in of itself.

We're treading dangerous waters when we start judging how reunion and/or contact might or might not affect another human being. Whose right is it to make that judgment call? I just think it's offensive to tell anybody that they shouldn't contact their birthmother if they don't want a relationship with her. How do you know that her birthmother wouldn't welcome a chance to give her bdaughter her medical history and family background?

[Nicole28]

Thank you, Raven.

I often think about what you're saying: even if I just met my biological mother once, and then she provided medical history, other info. about bio-family, etc., I would still feel much comfort in knowing that she was doing well, had a family of her own, all of that.

Mommy24, I respectfully disagree with you. I think you were the first woman to love your son - but I just cannot make the correlation between giving birth + seeing the child "first" + relinquishment = "mom status." It doesn't add up for me, but that's just me. I do appreciate your comment about not signing away your right to love your son, or to miss him and wish good things for him. As an adoptee, that's comforting to know! I'd like to think that my biological mother feels those same things for me.

And, as much as I know it ruffles feathers...to me, at this point in my life, my biological mother was [is] simply a vessel. NOT to discount her bringing me into the world - for that, clearly, I am thankful. Now, if I were to be in contact with her, I'd imagine I may feel differently about her. But I can't even imagine reunion, so I have no idea how my feelings about her/for her would develop.

[Pumpkin]

Originally Posted by Nicole28

Thank you, Raven.

I often think about what you're saying: even if I just met my biological mother once, and then she provided medical history, other info. about bio-family, etc., I would still feel much comfort in knowing that she was doing well, had a family of her own, all of that.

Mommy24, I respectfully disagree with you. I think you were the first woman to love your son - but I just cannot make the correlation between giving birth + seeing the child "first" + relinquishment = "mom status." It doesn't add up for me, but that's just me. I do appreciate your comment about not signing away your right to love your son, or to miss him and wish good things for him. As an adoptee, that's comforting to know! I'd like to think that my biological mother feels those same things for me.

And, as much as I know it ruffles feathers...to me, at this point in my life, my biological mother was [is] simply a vessel. NOT to discount her bringing me into the world - for that, clearly, I am thankful. Now, if I were to be in contact with her, I'd imagine I may feel differently about her. But I can't even imagine reunion, so I have no idea how my feelings about her/for her would develop.

I find this thread fascinating. Being an adoptee and a birthmom, reunited on both sides, I've exprienced a myriad of feelings with regards to those relationships. I hope you all don't mind if I stray a little from the original question and look at this from another perspective. It just got me thinking.

I can understand feeling that your biological mother is nothing more than a vessel. Those are your feelings and they are of course valid. I'm wondering, from the reverse perspective, how would you feel if your biological mother felt that you were the equivalent...let's say in this case that you were nothing more than...I'll use the word "offspring" becasuse that's all I can think of. I'm pondering this from my own exprience reuniting with my bios. I honestly don't know how I would feel if that's what my biological mother thought of ME. I'm pretty certain that some part of my psyche would be hurt. I'm sure that I could dig much deeper into this, but I'll refrain from doing that here. Maybe another thread? I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts on this. I find it fascinating from a social and psychological standpoint.

~Pumpkin

[kathy79]

Until reunion happens I can understand the difficulty in knowing what you would call your biological parent or child. There are too many unknown factors and nothing in reunion is set in stone.

Every person/ reunion is different and I think it should be left up to what ever works for the parties involved. There should be no write or wrong.

My bson has referred to me as Kathy, mom and bmom and I don't get offended by which one he uses. The aparents introduce me when needed as J's other mom and my bson's wife just uses J's mom.

I just sent my bson 29 birthday gifts and signed each card with love you, bmom.

I wish we could focus more on building the relationships than what we are going to call each other. But I understand how important the name thing this.

[bmomto2_momto2]

I am a birthmother. I have chosen adoption for 2 children under very different circumstances and stages in their lives. I am also a psychology major. I find these varying views all very interesting, and the way views can change as life events occur. My personal opinion about what makes a mother does allow for a birthmother to be considered a mother. Part of being a mother is providing nourishment, love and support, making positive choices to ensure the best possible outcome for your child, and being selfless (of course these are not all of the things that make a mother). For 9 months all pregnant woman are responsible for doing those things. I did all of those and did them without thought or concern about what I may be giving up or sacrificing. Giving birth is the next to final act that birthmothers get to experience. The last being the act of giving the adoptive parents the child. I was allowed to hold, feed, interact, and bond with the last child that I placed for adoption. The adoptive parents spent some time with me and my newborn daughter during this time and allowed me some personal time with that daughter. It is a very loving, giving, act to give up a child to adoption... but it is also a parenting decision. All that being said... what makes a "mother" does not necessarily come into consideration when deciding what title to give someone. I always believe that such a decision should be based on personal preference. I know lots of children being raised by their birthparents who call one or both of them by their names instead of either mom or dad. As long as you are comfortable... it is the right decision for you. I want to add as a final thought on my post that I am glad to see so much respect for one another's opinion on this thread.

[lonni]

I call her my Mom. I have 2 Moms. If a person just can't figure out which Mom I am discussing, I will then call her my natural Mom. Our son does the same with his 2 Moms.