[cindy12345]

i am curious about how others deal with feeling alone even when they are in a room with their adopted relatives and how do they deal with the ones that make a difference
and how do they deal with listening to their relatives brag about their kids and talk about who they look like
i know very little about my biological parents and most of its not positive

[Nicole28]

I'm sorry that you are feeling alone Cindy - I cannot relate to the first parts of your question, but in reference to dealing with conversations involving which parent a baby or child most resembles, I can tell you that it annoys me!!

It is a coincidence, but I look very much like my adoptive parents, but I still wonder every day what my biological mother & father look like, and if we share similar facial characteristics, etc. I know that my biological mother & I are similar in regards to stature [she was 5' 3" and I am an inch taller] and we both have an olive complexion, dark brownish-black wavy hair, and dark eyes [mine are hazel and I think that my non-ID says that she has brown eyes]. Other than that, though, I am left to imagine what she looks like - and I can't picture my biological father...I do know that he was almost six feet tall. That's it! So, when it comes to those conversations about "Who does little so-and-so most resemble?" sometimes I reply "Neither of you! Are you sure this isn't the milkman's baby?" - - Just kidding. I don't really say that.

How is your relationship with your adoptive mom & dad? Do you have a good, supportive relationship with them and/or your extended adopted relatives?

[Suziebearhugs]

I'm an adoptive mom, but I wanted to just agree.

It's hard on my end as well.

It's hard when we hear others (everywhere) talk about their children/grandchildren and how they resemble so and so, or how they got certian characteristics/talents/temperments from a certian person and some from another. While we know that many of our kids attributes don't /won't come from us. But we hope that by sharing our life/love/talents/strengths/etc with them a part of us will rub off on them in some way.

It's hard to hear comments from others of how much our kids act or look or resemble us. Because while it is true, accepting those comments also feels like a lie, like we are denying our kids their birth/biological heritage. So many times I just brush the comment aside and my connection to the child in any way and say "oh, he looks just like his birth father..etc"

It's hard to hear the birth relatives make comments all the time of "well, he comes by that naturally...then hear them tell a story of how he gets that from this relative or that."

It's like a double edged sword. If someone is complimenting how the child is so much like you, you feel like pushing it away and giving the credit to the "nature" side of it. The biological side.

But if it's the birthfamily making all the comments it makes you want to jump up and give a little bit of the credit to the "nurture" side of it as well.

I believe a child is affected by both nature and nurture. But I struggle with that sometimes. Of how to accept the compliment/comment without feeling like I'm denying the other side. Not only for me, but for my child.

I suspect this will also be a sore spot for my child as well. But the fact that his birthfamily is actively involved in his life and so are we, I hope will help him feel well balanced/grounded all the way around and someday he can determine what qualities he got from what individual or all of us put together and it won't be ALL about nature or ALL about nurture but a mixture of both.