[cnb1099]

Can an adoptee really hope to have a successful relationship with 2 moms and not have loyalty issues?

What would each person in the triad have to do to make this happen?"


I wanted to put this out here today and get some input. In my own case, I am trying to have a relationship with my mom and my bmom. My mom is a fabulous grounded person who has been very supportive in my reunion thus far. But my relationship with J has been strained mostly due to lack of contact.

I have gone into this reunion with the idea that there is no loyalty issue, simply one more person in the world who loves me and that can never be a bad thing.

But I would love to hear all sides of the triads responses!

[hrisme]

I think it's possible, if both mothers are open to the other's presence in their shared child's life (hope this doesn't offend anyone, can't think of a "politically correct" way to put that). If one of the mothers feels displaced by the other I think it automatically creates loyalty issues for the adoptee. As far as what the adoptee can do, I think being open as much as possible with their reasons for searching & with the relationships they hope to build would help reduce the risk of either mother feeling displaced. Unfortunately, I don't think it's a guarantee.

I think if I had been ready for a relationship with my birthmother, and if she had been in a place where she was able to have "normal" relationships, that I would have been able to have a relationship with both her and my (adoptive) mother without feeling like there were loyalty issues, because my mother was completely supportive of my searching.

[DebsW]

I think it is possible also, I have read some posts where you hear about bmom, amom and adoptee haveing a good relationship.

I however do not have that sense of peace. Amom is very jealous, but does not admit it. She has called my bfather names, made disparraging comments about bmom and others.

Funny part about it, she feels that we were "not a good match" for each other. She wanted me and pushed me to find my birth family, but now that I have done it she is unhappy about it (although she says she wanted me to do it) because I have a fantastic relationship with my bfamily, both sides, dad and mom.

I have never been able to have a healthy relationship with amom and adad (deceased). It has always been an uphill battle to "fit" into the mold of what they wanted and it just was not me, I held true to myself growing up and they said I was "difficult".

I don't know how an adoptee would have an open relationship with bfamily and afamily when those are the circumstances.

debsw