[keds]

Deb - (((hugs))) it's not you, it's them. Honestly, my bson has said he's had a great life and to some degree that bothers me. I'm not sure if it's for my benefit or his. Although, I have learned to expect the worse and hope for the best. I do hope your bmom comes around, she may but don't fault her for not being able to - she may care too much and have regrets. When my bson wrote me and told me that his aparents divorced when he was 3 my husband (bdad) and I were so angry because we figured if we had married we would have made it that far along! Of course, they are wonderful people (from what he's told me) so I'll have to wait and see. Maybe the hardest part of reunion is accepting that the other person didn't get to live the "fairy tale". For me, either way, it is a bitter pill. Take care you.

[DebsW]

Thanks keds. I really do "get it" of why she would not want to know. I just feel like I want to share with someone. I want her to understand why, when bmom calls my amom, "your mom". I know that she is being considerate when she does that. I call bmom, mom, she calls herself "mom" to me etc. It is just that my skin crawls when she asks about "your mom". I don't want her to have to be so considerate about it. But she is so kind that I don't see her ever doing it another way.

deb

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by DebsW

Thanks keds. I really do "get it" of why she would not want to know. I just feel like I want to share with someone. I want her to understand why, when bmom calls my amom, "your mom". I know that she is being considerate when she does that. I call bmom, mom, she calls herself "mom" to me etc. It is just that my skin crawls when she asks about "your mom". I don't want her to have to be so considerate about it. But she is so kind that I don't see her ever doing it another way.

deb

Deb, your post above made me stop dead in my tracks. As I told you in an earlier post, my son was abused both physically and emotionally in his adoptive home. And even though I feel like something's stuck in my throat when I say it, I continue to address my son's aparents as "your mom and dad" when I'm speaking to him on the phone. But reading your thoughts on this matter is making me reconsider my choice of words.

Since you've said that you think your bmom doesn't want to hear about the abuse that occurred in your childhood, I'm wondering if she's still holding onto the fantasy that most bmoms have had in the past. We were promised that our children would go to parents who would love and treasure them as their own...to a two-parent home that was financially stable and, therefore, better for our babies. I know that when my son was growing up, the only way I could stand the pain and grief was by telling myself that he was happy and thriving in this mythical home with mythical parents who bordered on sainthood in my mind. I don't know how the adoption agencies and social workers operate in today's world, but back then it was extremely common to paint the adoptive parents as perfect people with perfect lives who would do so much better at raising your child than you would. And we bought into the myth... I think a lot of bmoms from the closed era of adoptions still hold onto that fantasy.

[DebsW]

Hi Raven, Yes, I think she did have that impression all these years. Now when she meets me, honestly believing that I had this story book life, it has to be a major disappointment for her to hear that it just was not so. I have so much guilt about her finding out the info, but when all the questions are asked I cannot lie, I do not sugar coat. I also will not answer more than what is asked. I just feel bad that I can't give her that fantasy she had.

Deb

[DebsW]

Hi Raven, Yes, I think she did have that impression all these years. Now when she meets me, honestly believing that I had this story book life, it has to be a major disappointment for her to hear that it just was not so. I have so much guilt about her finding out the info, but when all the questions are asked I cannot lie, I do not sugar coat. I also will not answer more than what is asked. I just feel bad that I can't give her that fantasy she had.

Deb

[RavenSong]

Deb, let me make this absolutely clear ~ you are NOT guilty of anything! Please don't allow yourself to take on any guilt because you were abused as a child. If your birthmom is having problems handling this info, that is HER problem, not your's. It is certainly not your fault that you didn't have a "storybook" childhood.

This is just something your bmom is going to have to deal with sooner or later. It may take some time for her to sort it all out, though. If she's like me at all, she'll eventually come to a place where she accepts the fact her fantasy was just that...a fantasy.

I totally understand why you want her to know, and I personally think that it's important for her to know. I believe my son's healing didn't really start until he was able to tell me how much he had been hurt as a child. I am so grateful that he trusted me enough to tell me about his pain.

[slbullough]

My heart goes out to you I have seen you on the network before I didnt relise that your son had died. God bless youxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[bprice215]

Deb I've been following your post and I think you are a very strong resourceful woman. This is not you fault, none of it is, you are the victim here. Your bmom I think is not able to face the facts of the case yet, hopefully that will change because I really believe it too her benifit, with you by her side and she by your side to come to a mutual understanding of all that has happened to you. I think that to be a very importat milestone in both of your recovery. I'm wishing you the best of luck in seeking out this peace of mind I think you are entitled too. Hang in there Deb.
bprice215

[DebsW]

Thanks Raven. You make me feel better. Some days I just ignore it and then other days it just blows up in my face and hangs around for days and days.

I was with my sister last weekend, I drove her by the house I grew up in, my elementary school, our church. Then I started talking about a cat we had when I was around 5 or 6. She had kittens, I am guessing about 5 or six kittens. We were only able to find homes for two of the kittens. One day we woke up and could not find the other kittens, only the ones with homes to go to were there with our mama cat. We looked and looked, everywhere, my siblings and I could not find them. Our parents told us they must have ran away. Years later I asked my brother what he thought happend to the kittens. He told me he is pretty sure our adad killed them. For some reason when I saw the house we grew up in I just thought about our cat and then the kittens.

Price, thanks, I never thought of this as a recovery but you are right there. This is a long road.

debsw

[papaeck]

Originally Posted by DebsW

Thanks everyone for sharing. I have been thinking about this for a while now.

Bmom and I are very close. She is such a good person. She has welcomed me with open arms, as has most everyone in my two birth families.

I have many struggles with Aparents and the way I was raised. Adad has passed away and Amom is difficult regarding bfamily.

In the two years that we have been in reunion I have shared some things, not all at once but it is obvious that there was a lot of emotional abuse.

Bmom has just recently told me that she does not want to know any more. I have not shared much with her anyway and I have sanitized a lot of it.

I want to talk to her about how she feels. She is not one to dwell on her feelings as she feels she does not want to burden anyone with them. She wants peace and harmony which I understand but I really feel she would get a lot out of releasing some of her emotions.

I have assured her that I am not going anywhere, she can feel angry, sad, whatever and my feelings for her will not change.

I wonder if I should sit her down and just try to have a heart to heart. I have attempted this in the past but she keeps the conversations on a light path, nothing to serious.

Anyone have any suggestions of what I can say to help her open up, or should I just let it go and always wonder how she feels?

DSW

you are fortunate about your birmom i mean. i am a birthmom and my daughter who is 48 were in reunion . she had to be treated with kid gloves and was very protective of adomom even thou i think she was an alcoholic. this has ruined our relationship. she kept her birdad and 4 bros. a secret. this is not for a good relationship. your birthmom has a lot of emotion and it problably hurts her to know about your past. there is a lot of guilt even if things were good. thanks