[appyammersgirl]

is it usual for an adoptee to push away the people who love them? To behave in the way that they know will hurt you the most.
Is this a "test" of my love or part of some long ago learnt self preservation mechanism?

[belleinblue1978]

I don't know if it usual but I tend to do that. Not hurting but being VERY protective of my heart. I fear rejection more than anything else in the world. I am so scared that the people I love will decide I'm not worthy of being loved.

[alynp]

I have dealt with similar issues my entire life. Some call me "over sensitive" but I hate that term very much. It's demeaning of people's feelings.

I am what I joke with my husband as "a runner." When things get tough in relationships - I run away. I do it so I won't get rejected becuase I will be the one to reject first. I understand it - but can't stop myself in the middle of it.

Have you read about attachment disorder? I think calling this experience a "disorder" in my case would be much too strong - but the insights reading about this disorder gave me were helpful in understanding why I do what I do.

[IrishPaul]

I've done the very same thing Appy. I ran away from my wife when things got rough. I left my wife for a month not really knowing the reason why, although I came up with all the reasons under the sun to justify such an action. I was very confused and only since then i've gone into my whole adoption life. Alot makes sense now, i'm very angry, sad and withdrawn at times. Now i'm feeling emotions and having opinions on things I wouldn't allow myself to have before for fear of rejection. It was hard to admit to myself that up to now I haven't been my "true self". It's the most difficult and scary thing i've ever had to do, but now i've gone down that road I feel liberated. This isn't to say i'm happy, but I can now chose to be happy and experience a whole load of emotions alien to me before.
My wife does get upset with the idea she has lived with a "false" personality all these years and it brings into question all the decisions we made together. But the person I was isn't gone, I just have another few colours added to the rainbow.
Your partner is very scared and doesn't know it. He is reacting to the situation the very same as I would. You can keep pushing him on these issues but he will only push you away as it's an easier option to going into a place the causes him so much pain deep inside him. Him rejecting you is easier than you rejecting him when you realise he's not who he "pretended" to be all these years. In other words, "I was rejected for being the "real" me as a baby, the same will happen if the "real" me returns"
This is I think a huge issue for alot of adoptees and it holds strong in my experience.
Give him time Appy.

[ReOcB42008]

Yes, DEFINATELY, a test - albeit maybe an unconcious one, Appy! Just keep reassuring that you love them. It's weird but something about being given away - even if you were just a baby at the time - DOES make an adoptee seem to be afraid of losing everyone they love - you feel like people can't possibly REALLY love you. It's NOT anything against YOU, please remember that and just keep loving them! Take care - MJM (birthname)

[loveis]

I have pushed away most of the people in my life, never realized until 6 months ago why. I keep asking my husband why he is still here, he is a saint! I told my bmom this morning this same thing, I push everyone away and I didn't want to do that with her. I know now why I did it and am trying to consciously change that behavior, very scary but I have to do it! Reunion has been hard enough but to learn that most of my life was shaped by adoption makes it even harder. I don't put the blame on adoption but it certainly had a huge affect on me.

[keds]

As a bmom I apologize to all of you - if I knew then what I know now, atonement. Anyway, thank you for making me understand that even in a "good" reunion it's not just me -I'm doing my best and I'm in this for the long haul. Others may have pushed me away in the past but when it comes to my bson, I may stand back at his request but if he wants me to be there, I am. God bless, and I am sorry.

[SpecialK]

Loveis, I keep asking my husband the same thing when I'm in an emotional state, (always to do with my ongoing reunion with birth family) "Why do you stay with someone like me?" I am aware that when I'm saying it, how childish it sounds to him but like you said, I can't help myself. It's like an automatic switch that I haven't figured out a way to turn off. If anyone else knows the secret to this - please let me know!!!!!!!! I feel sorry for my hubby sometimes knowing that he has to put up with my mini breakdowns (that's what I call them) every time I feel vulnerable or that my birth family are going to turn their backs on me. In my rational mind I realise that they wouldn't turn their backs on me but then there's just a tiny wee part of me that always thinks....what if they do?

So the answer to the original post is yes, IME it is usual to display this behaviour.

[loveis]

Keds, I keep thinking that I need my bmom to be sorry about giving me up, I mean how could she? Look at her life, she is successful, has a lot of friends, she is a huge part of her great family, she has made a great life for herself.......Oh yeah let's see she gave me up 37 years ago and her life was completely different. She made the best choice she thought for me and for her, she made the ultimate sacrifice and has paid every day for the last 37 years for that decision, should she be sorry, NO!!!! Should you be sorry, NO!!!! Were our lives shaped and affected by your decisions, absolutely, but so many factors played rolls in our adoptions, in fact I blame adoption, not bmoms.

I have to say bmoms are the easy target to blame but when you take a step back you have to realize they are not to blame, they are victims as well.

I am sure I don't speak for all adoptees with this so take this from one adoptee, let yourself off the hook, don't apoligize for a lifetime ago, make the best of NOW, I know that is all I can ask for. IMHO!!!

SpecialK, glad to know that others are in the same boat, hopefully the more conscious we are we can change our ways and keep the people in our lives that mean the most to us. I know for me at least it is so hard because it leaves us so vulnerable and that is a place I am sooooo not comfortable with.

[IrishPaul]

Well said loveis. I get very angry at my Bmom, but this anger is just what the baby inside me feels. The mature adult I am understands that it wasn't her fault and it was an awful experience for her. But i'm still allowed to be angry for the baby inside me that had no understanding of reason or circumtances. I assign no blame, but i'm still angry....

[loveis]

I am so with you Paul! I am angry as well! I just hope that I can overcome that and be able to come out the other end of this somehow with my heart and mind in tack!

[megmagruder]

I have to say as an adult adoptee... I am floored at all the issues other adult adoptees have. I have none of it. I was 13 days old when adopted, and so was my brother.He too does not have these issues. So maybe they were older when adopted? For most of my life I rarely thought about being adopted. It was not until DH & I started the adoption process ourselves that I even knew other adopted kids had issues. I have always held my biological parents in high regard... They chose to make a choice that was not easy, they chose to give their child a secure life full of opportunity. Even the other adopted adults I know personally have never talked about these issues of attachment. I have always known I was adopted.

I hope and pray other adoptees can have peace in their hearts, and not be worried about rejection.

[IrishPaul]

Originally Posted by megmagruder

I have to say as an adult adoptee... I am floored at all the issues other adult adoptees have. I have none of it. I was 13 days old when adopted, and so was my brother.He too does not have these issues. So maybe they were older when adopted? For most of my life I rarely thought about being adopted. It was not until DH & I started the adoption process ourselves that I even knew other adopted kids had issues. I have always held my biological parents in high regard... They chose to make a choice that was not easy, they chose to give their child a secure life full of opportunity. Even the other adopted adults I know personally have never talked about these issues of attachment. I have always known I was adopted.

I fully accept that not all adoptees go through these feelings and there's so many variables in the adoption process that dictates how it affects you. But in saying that, 2 years ago I had NO issues and rarely thought about being adopted. I was a happy adoptee and so was my adopted brother. But a sequence of events unlocked that closely gaurded pain inside me. Sometimes I wish the pain stayed locked up, but it's free now and i've no choice but to deal with it. Locking it up and putting that happy adoptee mask back on isn't an option anymore...

[ReOcB42008]

Keds - You are not at fault - have nothing to be sorry for. I am also angry - not so muchwith my birthmom - more with my adoptive parents who were abusive.Athough,like Paul, the child-part of me is angry at being given away (especially to THOSE people who never should have been entrusted with a child - though I realize my bmom didn't know that when she gave me to them), I realize that IS the hurt soul of me. I realize now with my adult heart and mind, that my bmom was trying to do what she thought was best for the both of us. Myfemale a"parent" liked babies so liked me well enough until I developed a personality so bmom WOULD think she wanted me. Then this so-called a-"mother" told me that adopting me was my afather's idea -she
"didn't want someone else's brat" - her own words when I was 13. Anyway - I don't blame my birthmom and you can rest assured that your child won't truly blame you either - although there may be some residual anger. I have always loved and felt a connection to my birthmother even as a child. Hugs - Mary Jo Marvin (bn)

[megmagruder]

Originally Posted by IrishPaul

I fully accept that not all adoptees go through these feelings and there's so many variables in the adoption process that dictates how it affects you. But in saying that, 2 years ago I had NO issues and rarely thought about being adopted. I was a happy adoptee and so was my adopted brother. But a sequence of events unlocked that closely gaurded pain inside me. Sometimes I wish the pain stayed locked up, but it's free now and i've no choice but to deal with it. Locking it up and putting that happy adoptee mask back on isn't an option anymore...

I am sorry to hear...