[EZ2Luv]

I hope this is the correct forum, but I will cross post if need be.

Another thread got me thinking about this alot and I really want opinions and thought from other adoptees.

As an adoptee when I was searching I was told by just about all the searchers that I spoke with to ALWAYS go direct as far as contact especially first contact. In other words no middleman, no Suzy having Mary make the first call type of thing. Also that Bparents should always go directly to the adoptee, not through aparents.
As an adoptee I would be mortified if my Bmom had gone and contacted my Aparents before contacting me. I feel that as long as the adoptee is of age, they are the ones that have a right to direct contact.

I am wanting to know how other adoptees feel about this.

How would you feel if your Bparent contacted your Aparents before contacting you?

Thanks

EZ

[yerian27]

I always said that if I found my birthmom, that I would have someone else call her first...but if she was calling me, I would want her to call me direct....... makes no sense I know...but I would be afraid that she would not make me "known" and then I would mess something up for her.

[Mommy24]

Originally Posted by yerian27

I always said that if I found my birthmom, that I would have someone else call her first...but if she was calling me, I would want her to call me direct....... makes no sense I know...but I would be afraid that she would not make me "known" and then I would mess something up for her.

Interesting indeed, this is why some birth mom's feel contacting aparents first is a good thing, fear of birth child not knowing they are adopted. Reunion sure isn't for the faint at heart I think in the end we all just do what we "think" is best, hope for the right outcome.

[Oceans]

this is why some birth mom's feel contacting aparents first is a good thing, fear of birth child not knowing they are adopted

This is my ONLY fear about contacting my son. I would prefer rejection 5X more than being the one that broke the "news".

[yerian27]

Ok, so you don't think he knows that he was adopted then, right?

[JPDakota]

Doesn't really matter to me, I guess. I want no contact either way.

[Mommy24]

I am already in reunion with my son, yes he knew, however due to circumstances beyond my control I did fear the possibility of him not knowing.

[yerian27]

My question was that if her son knew he was adopted he might very well be waiting to see if she is searching.....I was adopted at 3 days old, have known my whole life, but definitely would love to find my birthmom, but I am not going out to wreck her life, waiting to see if she initiates it...

[yerian27]

To Mommy24, I am glad then that he already knew, and that is a chance I guess you take if you are not sure, but personally I would want my birthmom to try..... so very good, congratulations......I wish mine would work out like that...LOL

[EZ2Luv]

Here is the thing, assuming the adoptee does not know they are adopted, and the aparents are contacted, what make you think that they would all of a sudden tell the adoptee?

We are talking about adult adoptees here not 10 year olds. I would think that if the aparents hid the adoption from the adoptee, they would never tell them about the birthmom calling Trust me, the longer a lie remains a lie, the harder it is to come clean.

Contacting the adoptee regardless of weather they know or not, it would be up to them to confront the aparents and demand the truth.

Also, I personally know of a case where the Bmom and Amom did have ongoing contact and they both agreed never to tell the adoptee. When the adoptee was older a family friend told her she was adopted and she confronted aparents and they came clean still claiming they never knew bmom. Years later the adoptee searched and bmom told her that it was both their idea to keep it from her. It is wrong on all levels and perpetuates secrecy in this particular sitiation.

OK that said, we are back to "what if the aparent do not tell the adoptee" and the bmom is waiting thinking they did tell. It is not fair to bmom to think her child wants no contact when in fact the adoptee was never told.

Another thing too, I think most adoptees have an idea that they are adopted by the time they reach adulthood. It is up to the aparents to be honest.

EZ

ETA~ The thing about making that first contact is going to have some fear in it. That is what adoption does. ut the bond between an adoptte and their Bmom is the bond that was broken so it should be between the both of them to work it out without anyone intervening.

Bmoms should not feel responsible for aparents who were not honest. Adoptees have a right to know regardless of who tells them or how they find out.

[Oceans]

It's a Catch-22 isn't it? Drives a person

I think it would be so much easier to find him on a registry (I am listed). I don't know the answer but it's a question that haunts me. My only solution so far is that IF I can locate him, I will send a generic letter with a lot of wiggle room - Something like, this may be a long shot but....

I dunno - I haven't decided yet. Isn't it funny tho... we all care about each other so much we don't want to risk hurting the other person.... In the end, all we wish for is that the other person would take the risk...

Reunion sure isn't for the faint at heart

Well said!!

[yerian27]

Ok, right on....... that was exactly my point when I asked if he knew..... exactly!! Each individual situation is completely different, I get that.... and that makes complete sense, which is why I was saying that in my situation of knowing, I would want my birthmom to find me. But then she might not know if I know and is waiting to see if I search.....lots and lots of particulars in every single situation.......just sucks.

[yerian27]

I'll share an even funnier story.....when I told my adad that I wanted to look for my birthmom, he jumped to her defense and tried to say that I could really mess her up a bit by finding her, b/c she might not have told anyone....... that was funny to me for some reason...he is a fantastic dad but it cracked me up a bit....

[Mommy24]

IMO, If we are talking about a 25-30 yr old adult adoptee, maybe I can agree to contact the adoptee, but if we are talking about an 18-25 yr old adoptee then my outlook is a bit different. My reasons, becoming an adult is far more than an age. 18 does not make one an adult, 20 does not make one an adult, EVEN IF the adoptee knows he/she is adopted, reunion can be very stressful and a college student or one that could possibly still be in High School may need the support of their parents. We know that many adoptees fear telling their aparents about reunion for fear of "upsetting" them, we could eliminate this fear if birth parent respectfully contacts aparents and let's them know that they are going to initiate contact with the adoptee. I am not saying I believe they need permission, I think the only one who has a right to make the decision to reunite is the adoptee, however I do believe that aparents deserve a heads-up so that they can be there for the adoptee should he/she need them to be. This would eliminate the fear of the adoptee having to tell them and open up communication between the adoptee and the parents, I also feel that IF the adoptee doesn't know, by chance, because we know it DOES happen, then this would be the chance for the aparents to explain to the adoptee why they had never divulged this info. If the aparents chose to NOT tell the adoptee then at this point I feel the birth parent has the right to try and make contact with the adoptee thus allowing the adoptee to make the decision on where to go from there.


This is my opinion, based on the my thoughts, right or wrong they are mine. My son preferred I contact his mom first, I did, so far so good!

[yerian27]

Those are very good points on the age thing..... I think back and I think you are right on with the age thinking........ I actually said at 18 I was going to look...kind of did for a while and then let it go....and I've been on and off for over 10 years...my birthday usually kicks it in all over, b/c I always think of how sad she might be on my bday......silly, I know... but it is what it is... good for you to do what he wishes, I like that.