[Dickons]

Over the years I have noticed that adoptees often use the term "curious" as the reason they started searching. I have also noted that birth families seem to take offence to the term "curious" and do not feel it is a valid reason to search. Have others felt this way? Below is my definition of being curious - what is your definition?

Curious - wanting to know about my family, who they are, what they do, what type of personality each has, what makes them tick, did they want to/or search for me, what do they look like, do I have siblings, WILL I FEEL A CONNECTION....

I have always been curious about my other family because I did not have a chance to learn any of this, I was adopted and learned that about my new family. Don't I have the right to be curious?

Has anyone else felt that the term "curious" has opposite meanings between birth families and adoptees?

Kind regards,
Dickons

[sonata]

Of course we're "curious"! But I don't think curious completely describes what we feel. "Curious" to me means wondering what is behind Door Number One!

What I, as an adoptee, feel is a primal need to know where I came from. It is as elemental to me as knowing my children are my children. It is a sense of connection and a point of reference in the world that every single human being is entitled to have.

I'm not sure why birthparents would take "offense" at any reason we might have to seek them out. Our reasons as adoptees are something they can never understand. (And I would never presume to understand their feelings either unless I have been in their shoes.) If we are simply "curious" then so be it. That is a perfectly legitimate reason to do a search. If we need that point of reference in our life - "where did I come from?", "what is my genetic/ancestral background?" - then that is a perfectly legitimate reason as well.

When our birthmothers put us up for adoption they made a choice, hard choice though it may be. But at least they knew the situation and made a conscious decision in the matter. We, on the other hand, had no choice in how our situation turned out. We didn't choose to be relinquished. Even though it may have been in our best interest overall (which it is in many cases) that doesn't mean that it didn't leave us with some valid reasons to seek the missing pieces of our lives. Our birthparents (and adoptive parents) made their choices to handle a situation the best way they knew how. Now it is up to us, as adult adoptees, to handle our emotional needs the best we know how. And they need to support us in that effort, not throw judgment and guilt feelings our way.

[bprice215]

it is just a word. My daughter use it to describ how she felt about her searching for me. I was thrilled she did. And that concludes that.
bprice215

[dpen6]

I think some birth mothers take offense because they feel slighted that the adoptee might not want more then curosity, or that if the adoptee finds their questions answered they will close all contact.

Its not that simple for most of us, it is more then just curious....benign curosity is "how much is that dress.
A deeper need for knowledge might be "What does the women that gave birth to me look like?

OR it could be that bmother wants more then just giving out info.

As much as I understand all of that the info should be given regardless of how therelationship unfolds.

[RavenSong]

As a birth mother, I am in no way offended by the term "curious" being used as the main reason for searching. I truly believe that what often starts out as curiosity becomes much more after reunion. The thing that does bother me, however, is when I hear that an adoptee only wants medical information and social history, not any type of relationship whatsoever. If this is truly the only reason for searching and contacting a birth mother, then I think that the medical and social history, plus family photographs, should suffice. If an adoptee doesn't want any type of relationship, but does want to meet his or her birth mother on a one-time basis, then I believe that should be plainly communicated right off the bat.

I think curiosity is a good thing. I'm not an adoptee, so I don't know what it feels like to have absolutely no knowledge about my origins. My two very best lifelong friends from childhood were both adopted as infants, though, so I know some of the issues they went through. I think most people have never really thought about what it means to have no clue about where you come from. Most of us "non-adopted" people take for granted that we get so many of our physical characteristics and personality traits from our relatives. For example, I know that my musical talent comes down through many generations on both sides of my family. Even though I never met my paternal grandfather, I'm told that I share his passion for painting, especially watercolors and pastels. And I know that I'm great at mathematics and picking up foreign languages in the same way my maternal grandmother was.

I think that one of the most important things that reunion meant for my son was that he finally knows where his particular talents, personality traits, and physical features come from, both the good and the bad. I know that he told me a couple years into reunion that he finally felt he fit in somewhere. His personality was just so different from his adoptive family, and much of the time he just didn't feel comfortable while growing up.

[InBlindFaith]

As a Birthmother I am not offended by curiosity. I wish everyday DD was CURIOUS!!!

As a step-parent adoptee I was very, very curious about my birthfather's family. My birthfather was somewhat around when I was going up and his family was a huge mystery...he didn't like to talk about where he came from. So of course the curiosity began!! I dove into his family tree...I wanted to know where my auburn hair and eyes came from. I wanted to know why I was barely over 5'1" when every woman on my mom's side was over 5'6". I even had my birthfather caught up in the excitement!! I turned up a first cousin (bdad's nephew) that we never knew existed!! Then I met some seriously insane family members and then I dropped it because they scared me. In all of this curiosity I found out my hair color (and texture) came from my great grandfather. My build and height came from my paternal grandmother and my quirky personality is just like my great grandmother's!!

My curiosity unearthed a wealth of information and it helped me understand my bdad a little better.

Curiosity is a good thing...it's like a treasure hunt that can sometimes bring people closer.

[kune]

I'm in with the bulk of replies here. That "curious" gene that kicked in when my bson was 18 and then again when he was 20 enabled me to now be a very real person in his life. I welcomed it.

Birthparents from closed adoption know first hand what curiosity is. It's the "not knowing" that makes life so difficult at times, and it's the curiosity that prompts them to find forums like this so they are informed, supported, and actively involved.

Ann

[Dickons]

Very interesting replies. Some replies were very close to what I was trying to get across and it reassures me that I am not alone.

I am curious because I have a hole inside of me and a need for knowledge of who my family is, I have part of that answer now and hope someday to have the rest. Relationships only happen when both parties want it because they connected at some level. I am curious because I want to know if there is a connection between us that could be the start of a relationship, until then it is only conjecture and my fantasy of what we could have.

I have always wanted to meet my family but until I got sick and needed to tell them about my health in hopes that it would protect them, did I feel I had a valid reason to chance causing them pain if I was a secret.

My mom petioned the courts to open my records due to my dx (rare disease usually mis-dx as common disease but can cause fatal/severe events) so that I could search for my family to tell them about the dx, they are my family too. I now know some of my family and there really is a connection but the rest of them could care less or don't want to meet me so I am left being curious to know if there could be something between us.

Thanks for the input.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[doug43223]

I think it is just the easiest way of saying we want to search. I said it, but there was much more to it. I knew I wanted to form a relationship with her, hear the story first hand of why, and connect with my siblings. I always felt I had a sister and that was a big push for me, to find out for sure. Curious was just an easy way for me to tell others I was doing it, but in reality it was an overwhelming need to find and connect with my birth family, like I just really needed them in my life. To some degree I think it started from a long string of failed relationships with woman, and thought it may help.

[BrockBaby]

Ah, the word curious, and what does it mean to an adoptee...what a good question! One of the definitions of curious is "eager to learn more". That totally described me, I NEEDED to know more and thus started my search. Once I found out some information I was indeed eager to learn more. And even after reunion, I am still curious about things, and about people in my bfam. It's hard to take a lifetime of wondering and questioning and speculating and then have it stop because you have had some of your questions answered....there's always MORE that I want to know!!! And for me, it was beyond that just wanting to know information, I wanted to feel that connection...but it is much, much safer just to say that I was "curious" about my bfam. There's a sense of when you are curious about something that you just want information....but down deep I wanted more than just that!

[alynp]

I wonder if describing the reason for searching as "curiousity" it limits emotional attachment. If I am searching only because I am "curious" than if I get rejected it won't be such a big deal. But if I am searching because I deeply want to know my first family and my heritage than I am opening myself up to some pretty raw pain if they reject me.

By "reject" - I mean in the above, to be unable to meet with or form any kind of relationship with for whatever the reason, it is not intended to sound like a judgement of anyone.

This doesn't sound like how you are describing your personal definition of "curious", but it is just a thought about perhaps why some adoptees may identify their search as just "curiousity". I remember my brother told me he wanted to search only because he was having his first child and he wanted his medical history. However, his bmom's struggle to maintain any contact with him has been a devastating blow nevertheless. It got me thinking that "medical history" or other simplistic reasons, perhaps could be a way of protecting oneself.

Just a thought though...I don't claim to know this for sure.

[Jan18]

Curious...I was always curious. Actually, I think I have used that term in the beginning part of my reunion with my mom. I was curious, but never curious enough to start searching when I was younger. Of course I wanted to know why I look and act they way I do. I wanted to know if I had siblings, but also very scared of what I may have found.

Curiosity turned into a greater wanting to know more after my dd was born. After her birth I HAD to know where my personality, looks and so on came from.

I agree with a previous poster who said that we may use the word "curious" as sort of a blanket statement so we don't open ourselves up too much if reunion and searching don't work out.

[susieloo]

I hoped my daughter would be curious...and she was!susie

[sonata]

That is a good point that searching for reasons of "curiosity" limits emotional attachment (someone has done their homework LOL!)

I have seen so many times on these forums people who have searched because they are "curious" only to be devastated because their birthfamily didn't want a relationship with them. Not meaning to be cruel here (this is just an observation) but if you were just "curious" then after you found out the information you wanted to know about your birthfamily then you should be satisfied. But obviously in most cases there IS an underlying need - whether acknowledged or not - to actually pursue a relationship not just satisfy curiosity. I think that is why it is SO IMPORTANT for adoptees in search to really clarify where they are emotionally and what they expect from reunion. Of course it would also be fair to say that we don't really know what we expect from reunion until we are actually there. But as far as its possible, I think that is something an adoptee needs to prepare for emotionally. Reunion is DIFFICULT under the best of circumstances. Ideally you need to be in a good place emotionally before you get there, ready to accept the disappointment that it might not turn out the way you hoped and know that you will be okay either way.

[BrockBaby]

I agree that you need to be ready before you enter reunion. And while you never know what you might find, and that makes "preparing" hard to do....I think you need to come to a realization that there are no guarentees in reunion. And even when you have "prepared" there will always be things that you weren't expecting.....the important thing to do then is to own your feelings, express your disappointments with safe people, have support, and then go forward. I have personally had to do this, so I know it can be done! And I have had some awesome people in my life to help me through those times.