[daztimms]

Hi, I'm new at this so abit nervous! I'm 23 and an adoptee, I've just found out my birth mom and family want nothing to do with me after I tracked them down. It's so hard, as I struggled with the rejection the first time round, so to be rejected again is just unbearable. Has anyone had any experience of this or any ways to help deal with the pain?

[belleinblue1978]

I was 26 when I found my first mom... and she refused contact with me. I met a first brother once, he is a year older than me and was super excited and I haven't heard a word from him since. All I can tell you is that I decided that they were worse off for not knowing me. I'm a pretty great person. I had to work on feeling that way too though b/c I had the what is wrong with me thoughts. It has been about four years and the pain has faded, but it comes back now and then strong and confusing.

I wish there were easy answers for you. My mom and dad have been amazing through all of this. That helps tremendously.

[InBlindFaith]

(((HUGS))) I am so sorry this has happened. How long ago did you find your birthfamily? It is possible that your birthmom needs some time to process this and maybe she was caught off guard???

[alynp]

I'm so sorry for your pain. Time could change things, you just never know what can happen.

[daztimms1]

This happened about 6 months ago and I just can't seem to get past it. It's all I think about day and night. My adoptive parents are fantastic and they're so supportive, it's just that nothing can replace my bmum. All I want to do is see her or a picture of her, just to see where I come from. I still feel that I don't belong anywhere.

[keds]

(((hugs))) There is no easy way to deal with rejection but, I know for me, who very much wants my bson in my life, the emotions have been overwhelming and I'm a pretty strong personality so IBF may be right - they may not be able to overcome their fears and emotions. IMO it is their loss. I believe that you can never have too many friends or people to love and support you.

Although my reunion is plodding along at a snail's pace, I turned my life upside down when I first heard from my bson and don't regret it for one second. His sister's and bdad (my husband) are having a difficult time because they just can't figure out how to start - what to say, what to do. For me, I put my own wants, needs and feelings to one side and concentrated on making him feel comfortable and let him decide what he wants. Not easy to do but it's all about him.

Again, my heart goes out to you both and I feel it must be so very difficult but remember they don't know "you". I can't believe that they are rejecting "you" but rather may not be able to face themselves and their past. At least that's how I felt initially.

Take care.

[InBlindFaith]

(((daz)))

I would do anything to have DD in my life. She isn't ready for me and she doesn't have the tiniest bit of interest in me right now. It's tough, I know!!! I'm feeling it too!!! Big squishy (((HUGS)))

Have you read the book "The girls that went away"? It might help explain a little bit. Even though I relinquished in 1988 I was still able to relate to the emotions of the other birthmoms from that era.

Is it possible that your birthmom hasn't told anyone in her immediate family? If her husband and children don't know then this might have come to a shock to her.

[hrisme]

I know it is hard (my birthfather refuses to even acknowledge he has children), I think the only thing you can do is recognize that her not meeting with you is more about her than it is about you (I know, easier said than done!). This article might help give you some ideas of why she is not ready to meet:

"birthMothers" Exploited By Adoption - For Adoptees

[gr8fuladoptee]

Lots of hugs and prayers for you. Rejection stinks,I've been in a similar situation I think others have given you great advice. For me, I tended to dwell on the loss of the people who rejected me and pushed away those who were already in my life giving me love and support. Hopefully you have loved ones in your life right now you can turn to for support. It's ok to mourn the loss.

[alynp]

What has happened to you makes me think about the shame and intoloerance associated with adoption from our generation (adoptions before 1973). My hope is that adoption today is different, and I think it is. It is celebrated instead of hidden away.

Your're right - your biological relatives are missing out on YOU! I think I would consider talking to your natural brother again if I were you. Maybe asking for a picture? How did it go before when you saw him??

[L@@king2]

Hi daz
I know somewhat of what you feel... my bdaughter does not want contact at this - OR maybe never... yes - VERY frustrating for us that WANT a reunion with our counterparts... but unfortunately - they are just not ready... and there is a word around here - a four-letter word... called:
patience... LOL! Yes, very frustrating! But I suggest that you wait a bit more... I am going to wait until April to send my bdaughter another letter - I haven't heard from her since January of last year... and try again...
That's about all we can do - is wait and hopefully she will sort it all out for herself...
I wish you LUCK! and {{{{Hugs}}}} Daz!!

[Angeleak1]

I think as other people recieve rejection, we as Adoptees recieve it alittle differently and are quite sensitive to it. I'm not trying to undermine anyone else's feelings saying that Adoptees feel rejection stronger then anyone else but I think we do already have that "1st Rejection" in the back of our minds. I recently found my Birthmother on a website and I wrote her 2 messages with no response from her. I feel that rejection all over again. At the same time, I realize how hard it has to be for her to have given birth to a child and have to give it up to a stranger to raise. I'm not sure but I bet some Birthmothers "TRY" to forget and move on with their lives. I would give them more time. They definitely have to let it sink in and let them think about it. As long as they know where to reach you if they ever do decide to contact you. I, myself have become more at peace with searching for my Biological mother. I know she has the tools to get in touch with me and I feel if she decides not to make contact, she's missing out on a great potential friendship. Her lose. I hope you find peace with your situation and I hope this has helped you. Angelique

[snuffie]

I've so been there. My bmom rejected contact with me years ago. I alternated between heart break, crying and anger. Years later though I reunited with my 8 bsiblings and it seems from what they said, that my bmom may have been getting ready to contact me too.
I know it hurts so very much but time truly does heal. It is their loss. And who knows what reasons they have - fear? guilt? someday hopefully all that will be answered for you.

Snuffie

[bprice215]

isn't it a shame. After we go to all the trouble of finding our birth parent, they want nothing to do with us. Every one of us runs that risk of not liking what we find. It is an unfortunate turn of events. However we know nothing of these people we seek, we do not know nor can we understand why they reject us. Some need more time to fully understand what has happened. While others regret the thought of you being born because you were not planned so how could you be wanted. It is a tesky situation in which time a lone will tell the tale. You have that time, use it to fully understand where your at.

bprice215

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by daztimms

Hi, I'm new at this so abit nervous! I'm 23 and an adoptee, I've just found out my birth mom and family want nothing to do with me after I tracked them down. It's so hard, as I struggled with the rejection the first time round, so to be rejected again is just unbearable. Has anyone had any experience of this or any ways to help deal with the pain?

The first thing that came to mind when I read your post is the very big possibility that your birthmother has younger children and hasn't told them yet about you. Since you're only 23 y/o, chances are pretty high that you have teenage siblings. A lot of birthmoms have trouble telling their future spouses and children that they relinquished a child in the past.

I am so sorry you are going through this, and I know you feel rejected for a second time. It always hurts me when I hear how adoptees feel they were rejected at birth. I know that in your heart it must feel like you were abandoned when you were placed for adoption. Most birthmothers I've known throughout the years, including myself, relinquished our children so they would have better lives than we could provide them. I wanted so badly to be able to keep my baby, but I just couldn't figure out a way to do it. My son was never "unwanted"...I just wanted so much more for him than I could give him at the time.

Have you ever read The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler? Even though the book concentrates on the adoption era up until the middle 1970's, much of it is still relevant about mothers who relinquished their children in the 1980's. Heck, a lot of the book can be applied to birthmoms who relinquish today.

Give your birthmother some time to process her feelings about meeting you. She may change her mind, especially when her younger children grow up, if she has any. Meanwhile, I firmly believe you have the absolute right to ask her for family medical history, social history, your birthfather's name, and family photographs. Those things should be every child's birthright, adopted or not.