[Nicole28]

After a little more than a year away from the forums, I feel like it is the right time for me to come back and seek support here.

I have not really progressed in my search; I think that the motivator for my coming back here is that I feel as though I am in a new 'stage of grief' or coping that I have never experienced, and I suppose that I am feeling confused and frustrated as a result.

I am not sure if anyone remembers me - I did see some familiar user names when I was browsing the threads earlier, which was welcoming - but I was very active [to the point of hosting this forum for a short while!] from 2003 until mid-2006, when I made the decision to take some time away from the forums and almost everything adoption-related. In 2003 I turned 18 and received my non-ID info from NYS, and that really got my search going. I was in contact with a search angel, but I never followed through on sending her my information, so I think that was my way of saying "Maybe I'm not ready." Since I left the forums, I haven't done any searching, nor have I really spent much time thinking about my adoption. I think that, after exhausting my search efforts and hitting a brick wall, that I needed a break. I took a semester off from school in 07 to work full time and went to three counseling sessions at the request of my parents, who felt that our relationship was suffering [it was] and were concerned that I needed help dealing with and managing my stress [I did]. I never continued with the counseling; the three sessions were free of charge through my Dad's company & at that time, I did not ask to be referred, although sometimes I wish that I had. I went back to school in January and will be graduating in May. I have successfully been dealing with an eating disorder, and I will be celebrating my one-year anniversary with my wonderful - and supportive! - boyfriend on May 4th. So, lots of good things happening, but despite all of that, this new feeling related to my adoption has brought me back here.

I am familiar with the popular "5 Stages of Grief" [a.k.a. The Kubler-Ross Model] that experts claim that people go through after some kind of loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I think that I am going through these stages out of order, which I would assume is probably not unheard of. I have never been in denial in regards to my adoption: I am open with others about being adopted and I have never not wanted to be adopted, etc. I don't think that I have ever found myself bargaining with or 'making deals' with God in relation to being adopted, either...I suppose that I do not feel like the bargaining stage really applies to me. As far as depression is concerned, I have been struggling with those kinds of feelings for a little over two years now, and I think that depression relating to/stemming from my adoption may be something that I deal with for much of my adult life. And, as for anger, I was in the angry stage since my searching really began in 2003. The majority of my anger was aimed at NYS - as a closed records state, I felt [and continue to feel] as though my human rights were being violated. I was angry because I did not have access to information that belongs to me simply because I was born. In regards to acceptance, I have always accepted the fact that I am adopted, and I am proud of it.

There is a new feeling that I am dealing with, though, and that is a feeling of sadness. Never before have I really felt SAD about being an adoptee! I am not sure why I feel sad - one of my theories is that perhaps I am actually grieving the lack of a biological mother & daughter bond. Perhaps I am sad because, deep down, I know that I will most likely never have a relationship or even meet my biological mother or any biological relatives? I know that some of the sadness [and anger, too] is directed AT my biological mother, because, according to my non-ID info, she never informed my biological father about her pregnancy, so my conclusion is that he never knew that he even fathered a child, let alone that she was relinquished for adoption. At any rate, I am trying to figure out why I feel sad...and that's frustrating and new to me. I think that, for me personally, being angry is easier than being sad. The best example of why that is goes back to when I broke up with a boyfriend of 5 years after he had been unfaithful. It was easy to break up with him because I was so angry! Had we parted ways for a different reason, and I felt sad, it would have been much harder to leave him, you know?

I am almost 24, about to graduate, and moving into the second year of a serious relationship with a man that I will most likely marry. I am entering into new phases of my life, and I am feeling like it's now or never as far as tackling a lot of these emotions is concerned. Perhaps I am thinking too far ahead, but the thought of potentially becoming a mother within the next five or six years also concerns me, because right now, my greatest fear is that unresolved adoption-related issues will impede my ability to be a good mother.

SO - here I am. I am excited to troll the forums, comment and read, and receive advice & feedback.

Nicole

[cnb1099]

I was new to the forums when you left Nicole but I remembered you. Welcome back!

[Jackiejdajda]

Nicole28

I have not really progressed in my search; I think that the motivator for my coming back here is that I feel as though I am in a new 'stage of grief' or coping that I have never experienced, and I suppose that I am feeling confused and frustrated as a result.

I stopped looking in the early nineties.. I had given up.. I told some on line friends that I had given up.. and would no longer search..
And they told me I must be more active.. but I knew..

And then out of the blue there he was.. and I was into reunion..

There is a new feeling that I am dealing with, though, and that is a feeling of sadness. Never before have I really felt SAD about being an adoptee! I am not sure why I feel sad - one of my theories is that perhaps I am actually grieving the lack of a biological mother & daughter bond. Perhaps I am sad because, deep down, I know that I will most likely never have a relationship or even meet my biological mother or any biological relatives? I know that some of the sadness [and anger, too] is directed AT my biological mother, because, according to my non-ID info, she never informed my biological father about her pregnancy, so my conclusion is that he never knew that he even fathered a child, let alone that she was relinquished for adoption. At any rate, I am trying to figure out why I feel sad...and that's frustrating and new to me. I think that, for me personally, being angry is easier than being sad. The best example of why that is goes back to when I broke up with a boyfriend of 5 years after he had been unfaithful. It was easy to break up with him because I was so angry! Had we parted ways for a different reason, and I felt sad, it would have been much harder to leave him, you know?

Maybe there will be acceptance and then maybe forgiveness in your future..
I searched out a post of mine that you replied to and it was about not knowing the birthfathers name.. and heck with me not knowing the birthfather.. and me actually standing in the truth of that..

Maybe the information in your file is wrong information and maybe you actually finding/not finding.. your birthmom may be attached with the anger towards her.. because she never told.. Or is there still anger.
I wonder if my relationship with my bson has stalled because I do not know.. have put away all memories of what happened all those years ago..

But IMO search we must.. accept we must.. the issue keeps coming around and around again..
Except for me.. there is no way I will ever remember his name.. Its gone.. and it is one of the things in my life that I most deeply regret..
This may be the same for your birthmom..

Have you done an aggressive search?

Jackie