[IrishPaul]

Hi there, my name is Paul and I live in Ireland. 35yrs old, married with 3 children. I was adopted as an infant and i've always known and my adoptive parents were very open and gave me as much information as I wanted. I met my birth mother about 12 years ago and we have as good a relationship as we both could wish for or expect.
However over the past few years something has seemed to go very wrong in both my work and personal life to the point that i've lost almost all motivation. My marriage very nearly was lost and my job situation is in well and truely in pieces. Over the past couple of weeks i've blamed everything else in my life and have even gone to counselling to try and sort my life out, however counselling for adopted people is very specialized i've found and over here it's difficult to find someone devoted or even qualified to deal with the very complex issues adoptees have.
Anyway i'll be typing for days if I go through everything so i'll just list the main points that seem to have affected me and finally caught up with me now.
I was adopted at the age of 9 months, my adoptive parents adopted another boy of 5 months less than a year later. While this has it's own set of problems my adopted brother is of Afro-Irish decent and back in the 70's here in Ireland there was very little ethnic diversity and he was open to a very old fashioned racist attitude, or should I say my adoptive mother protected him like the whole world was against him. Guess who got left in the backround!!!?? Issue 1 there
Next thing that springs to mind is that ever since the year I met my birth mother my interest and motivation in work has seriously been affected. Until now i've blamed everything from the job not suiting me to the people I work with. On a side note I followed my adoptive fathers business and have done so for the last 20 years. My hobbies more reflect what my birth father did as a career i've since discovered. Not sure what's happening here and find it very hard to find a direction on what to do.
Now i've met my birth mothers Daughters and was due to meet her 2 younger sons once they finished their exams last year, sadly her eldest son was tragically killed in a car accident about 12 months ago. It was a terrible time and myself and my wife went to the funeral. The whole experience seemed like a dream and feel it has affected me alot. To see my brother that I never met lying in there in an open casket was hard to take on, then to help carry the coffin to the church was almost the end of me. Throw in meeting my extended birth family for the first time under such circumstances and being in the grave yard that all my deceased relatives are buried you can only imagine what effect this has had on me. Ever since then my whole life has well and truely gone down the drain, what little motivation I had for work has all but gone and my 18yr marriage has almost failed. Luckily i've a great wife and we are working things out.
Anyway this is where I stand now and to be honest i'm feeling very low and don't know what way to turn. Hopefully someone here can shed some light on even one of the issues I've raised, although I know counselling will help I feel like i'm talking to someone who has no idea what is going on in my mind.
Regards,

Paul

[kune]

Hi Paul
I'm not an adoptee so I have no similar experience to share with you. I did want to welcome you here to the forums. Noone has replied to your post today but I am sure there are many opinions and suggestions that will come your way.

You have certainly been through some huge emotional times in the last few years. The loss of a brother (whether you knew him or not) is a loss that would be very difficult to work through. From reading adoption related books I understand that after the initial loss at birth (Primal Wound seems to be the terminology) , each and every future loss compounds the unresolved losses. (Has your therapist/counsellor said something similar?)

I will watch this thread and see what others say, but did want to welcome you to the threads and I hope you find some truth and wisdom from fellow adoptees who are dealing with the same feelings.

Ann

[IrishPaul]

Thankyou for the welcome and kind words Ann. I've just read "primal wound" and i've never cried so much. All the feelings in the past that i've bottled up and said to myself are silly are actually real! I hope this is a new begining for me, too long dealing with this. Thankyou once again Ann.

Paul.

[fauxgina]

Hi Paul, welcome to the forums. I'm sorry to meet you in such a low state, but I think you've done the right thing by opening up and putting your heart out there for us to see. I'm an American living in Lincolnshire, and I know how hard it is to find adoption counselling in the UK and Ireland. Perhaps adoption counselling could be an option for you later, but I see a therapist whose only experience with adoption is through reading The Primal Wound, and while I feel a lot of my issues stem from adoption, therapists from many different backgrounds should at least be able to help you cope with what is going on in your life now. You may need to do some all-important coping work before you can explore some of the deeper reasons behind your issues (although you seem to have given them a great deal of thought). Something I've realized is that my issues may stem from adoption, as may yours, but there are many people out there who aren't adopted who feel the same things; trauma is trauma, and if that trauma has been festering inside for many years--which is what happens to many people who suffered trauma as children--then it may be more urgent and effective to treat what developed as a result of the trauma first, and then explore the trauma itself and take it deeper. Just my thoughts. It's all about baby steps, though, no matter how you approach your problems. Take it easy, be kind to yourself, and rejoice in the small victories. They will add up and become more and more noticeable and significant as you go along.

I'm so sorry to hear of all the tragedy you've had to deal with, Paul. I can't imagine what it was like to meet one of your brothers at his funeral; my heart aches at that image. I'm not quite sure what may be behind your loss of motivation since finding your birthmother, but those two 'events' could very well be linked. I know many adoptees--especially pre-reunion--have trouble finding a direction in life. I've certainly found that to be true. It sounds like your mind is effectively avoiding whatever the true issue is when it comes to your job (blaming the job itself, the people... has your brain tried to blame your birth mother yet?). What sucks most, I think, about having suffered trauma as a child is that the issues compound themselves--they are loose threads that get tangled up in a giant ball of yarn, which doesn't lend itself to being easily dissembled. But with help--insights from friends, family, people here, and/or a professional--I am sure you can start to unravel things and feel more ordered in your mind. Also, I know what it's like to feel subordinate in your adoptive family, and I'm sorry you've gone through that, too. I'm reading a book by Dr Paul Gilbert called Overcoming Depression. It's a British book, part of a series that deals with overcoming various psychological and other problems (anxiety, anger, depression, and much more). It was 9.99 from Amazon.co.uk, and it's really opened my eyes to how human emotions and relationships work, and what depression is. I've suffered with it all my life, and it sounds like you've been there for quite a few years, too. It's a cognitive-behavioural approach, which involves identifying negative thoughts you have out of habit (e.g., "I am unlovable when I'm angry" or "I am a burden to others" or other such self-bullying thoughts), and helping you to use compassion and reason to overcome these negative core beliefs about oneself. If you've felt "left out" in your family since you were one year old or so, you may be dealing with such thoughts about yourself as compared to your adopted brother. Anyway, this book may help you realize some things about yourself, and give you some ammunition for therapy, if you seek it.

It is wonderful that you have a strong relationship with your wife. We adoptees can be quite difficult to love and live with at times, and it takes a strong bond and a level head to get through those dark patches. You must feel very lucky. But feel proud too, because as much as she chose you, you chose her too, and knew she would be good for you.

If you need anything, feel free to PM me. I hope you find the support and validation you're looking for here. There are some amazing men and women around, and I know you'll find your niche before long.

Best wishes,
Gina

[IrishPaul]

Hi Gina, thankyou soo much for such a thoughtful reply. I'm overwhelmed by the feeling behind your post and i'm sure i'll be asking loads of questions as soon as the mind settles. I've been through alot in my marriage in recent weeks and while the counselling helped us both I knew there was something deeper causing problems. Hence why I arrived here, I've searched the net for answers on why i've felt this way for so long. Mostly coming to the conclusion i'm clinically depressed or i've a chemical imbalance in my brain, my doctor put my on anti-depressants a few years back and while they helped I felt they where just numbing the big issue and I stopped taking them. I've only within the past few days delved into my adoption as a possible cause and it was hard to even admit that maybe it could be as i've spent all my life in the belief that it was no big thing. Peoples have always commented on me saying "you're so calm" and "you're as deep as the ocean", well they where right and while I knew this I never realated it to my personality reacting to being split from my mother at birth but only my natural personality passed down to me from my bio-parents. My head is all over the place taking all this on board and what effect it has had on every decision or event in my life, but as you say "baby steps". Thanks for such a brilliant reply and hope you and other like minded people can be of help and guidence for me. I feel the best thing i've ever done to date is discover this place!!!

Paul.

[fauxgina]

Thanks for your kind words, Paul. I can only tell you what I know from experience, and I haven't got very much yet, lol.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression (due to chemical imbalance--just like you) when I was 19. I suffered a major depressive episode when I was a sophomore at uni, so major that I checked myself into the psych ward at a local hospital because I was afraid of what I might do to myself. I was put on sertraline and stayed on it for 6 years. (I am currently coming off of them and rediscovering what it's like to feel things--it's scary, but necessary, I think.) I, too, found that the drugs didn't help me cope with anything because they just numbed my feelings, but I was too young to be able to say "I don't need to be on these." Also, my parents really contributed to the stress I felt that fed my depression, and I lived with them until I was 24, so the drugs helped to keep me calm during rough times. My point is, though, that perhaps it is not something that is wrong with us biologically, perhaps it is something psychological, which doesn't define who we are and can be worked through with some help and guidance. I hate that diagnosis of depression due to chemical imbalance--it sounds so final, so terminal. "You'll never get over this, and it's your own fault." I know that's not what doctors mean when they say it, but that's how it feels.

I know exactly what you mean when you say that it's difficult to think that your adoption may be what's exacerbated, if not caused, the issues you face. I had inklings when I was a teenager that maybe my problems were related to adoption, but when my mom shot that theory down, I felt guilty about even thinking it. I still feel guilty when I discuss it with people--even my husband--because they don't really get it. They think I should just be able to "get over it." But I think if they really thought about what it must be like for a helpless baby or child to be removed from its biological mother's embrace, to have her familiar face and smells and warmth replaced by a stranger's face and odd smell and different warmth... I think then they might begin to comprehend why I feel an emptiness inside that nothing can fill. For some people, reuniting with birth relatives fills that hole; for others, it is spirituality or faith; for others still, it is something like nature or career or loved ones... I haven't quite got the balance right yet, but I'm on my way--and you will be, too, soon.

You've read Primal Wound, but I can't remember if she discusses the "false self" in that book or her follow-up to it, Coming Home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up. You may find that book very helpful in giving you an outlet for this grief and confusion you feel, while advising you on how to cope and deal with those strong emotions in a healthy adult manner (to save your wife and kids from experiencing you as the angry 9-month old baby Paul, who was just taken from his mummy). Anyway, in her follow-up book, Verrier discusses the adoptee's false self, which develops usually in the adoptive family; it is a coping mechanism to help the child get through life with biological strangers. You mentioned that people are always telling you how calm and composed you are--but do you always feel that way? Or do you feel that, deep down underneath, in your very soul, you are anything but calm and composed? It could be that you coped with life in your adoptive family by putting on a passive face--especially if you were sort of forced into the background. Perhaps you felt your needs weren't being met, and maybe you felt guilty when you did express frustration or anger at feeling so subordinate, so your brain shut those feelings out and forced "good Paul" to be calm and compliant.

I don't know, I'm starting to jump ahead here... but I know how you feel and I know how good it feels to make those realizations, to make those leaps in logic to really start to understand who you are at the heart of all the confusion. You'll get there, and I'm sorry if I've been pushing it, lol, but I'm just excited for you. You seem very excited, so I kind of fed off of that. But you will figure these things out one step at a time, and things will make just that much more sense to you as you go along. Good luck!

[Jannyroo]

Dear Paul,

First, welcome to the forums, these are the best available in my opinion and I don't feel you will regret it.

Also, don't under estimate the effect that meeting your mother for the first time will have had on you. My son reeled from our first face to face and before that, he was planning so much in his head "we can go to Spain together mum, do this, do that' it all came to a screetching halt. He never realised how it would actually feel to meet me and I guess emotionally he came to a halt. Its taken nearly 22 months of patience and reading Verriers books (great recommendation by FauxGina by the way) and 'getting' it and for me, Verrier did it. Everything is crystal clear as to what is going on.


But its one thing knowing whats going on and another having your feelings validated. I feel that the double whammy of the bereavement of losing your birth mother and being raised by someone else and to have your face jammed up against a physical bereavement, is just the most awful thing that could have happened to you. I know you meant well by going, but I think that was possibly the thing that turned your mind, I mean it would anyone, but I feel it was particularly harsh to meet your bfamily under those circumstances. Separation and loss was already an issue before you had that tragic reminder of how short life is.

I feel that seeing the dead body and also carrying the coffin would break most people when they are in that relationship, never mind having double bereavement of meeting your birth family for the first time. That could well blow fuses emotionally and I understand that, WOW, what a thing to go through.

The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide - Julie Jarrell Bailey & Lynn Giddens is a gentle book from my point of view as a birth mother and FauxGina has already mentioned two excellent books she put me onto and I can vouch for them.

You may wish to contact an organisation that is specialised in adoption counselling and perhaps they can do it by phone or email if you can't get there in person. Hope it helps. I can't comment further, much as I would like to, as am feeling a bit overwhelmed. But hope you feel the support here, sorry if its not that eloquent, but I'm in reunion myself and my head is all over the place with the emotions. I've just felt my son's pain and I can feel yours too. Hang on in there, more people will respond to you I'm sure. (((Hugs)))) Janny


The Post Adoption Centre
5 Torriano Mews
Torriano Avenue
London NW5 2RZ

Their contacts are:
www. postadoptioncentre.org.uk and
advice@postadoptioncentre.org.uk

tel: 020 7284 0555.

[IrishPaul]

I can see myself saying thankyou alot in here!! lol. Thanks for the help Gina and Janny, two very interesting and helpful posts. The past few days while being hard have opened up my world so much, in no small part to your help and kind words.
Anyway just something I picked up on in "The Primal Wound". When I was adopted I was very ill with stomach problems and as my adoptive mother put it "you crapped for Ireland for the first few months" lol. After a load of tests and hospital visits I was diagnosed with Celiac disease and after a few months on a special diet everything settled down. But when I changed school at the age of 10 the stomach started acting up again, more tests and the original diagnoses was wrong! Celiac isn't something you grow out of and it's there for life. Ever since then I've been having stomach trouble during stressful situations and take some sort of tablets to settle it. It's very interesting to think that the link was never made between adoption and my stomach complaints by countless doctors and specialists over the years and one paragraph in Verriers book give the true cause!! Ever since reading that my stomach is fine and for the previous few weeks it was not good at all! Funny that!!
Anyway thanks once again!

Paul.

[fauxgina]

Yeah, the psycho-somatic link is very strong, isn't it? And it's incredibly frustrating when professionals don't add 2 and 2 together and think that "Hey, this baby has suffered an incredible trauma, let's approach the symptoms from a different angle." But many people just don't make that connection; maybe it's too scary for people to think about what it must be like for a baby who has been taken away from its mother...

I've got a phobia of vomiting (stomach issues again). I think it could very well be psycho-somatic, as I also have a LOT of trouble expressing myself--especially if I need to express something negative. I think it's all related to not wanting to "spew" all over someone; all my life, I've choked stuff down, and while of course that isn't the healthiest way to handle an upset tummy or an upset mind, it's what I know.

I'm glad you're finding some comfort and enlightenment during a very hard time for you. I look forward to witnessing you come into your own as you start your healing journey. Keep up the good work!

[IrishPaul]

Originally Posted by fauxgina

I'm glad you're finding some comfort and enlightenment during a very hard time for you. I look forward to witnessing you come into your own as you start your healing journey. Keep up the good work!

Gina, to be honest i've never felt so good! All my life i've been trying to come up with excuses for the way I act or the way I feel. Now I can think back to almost every event in my life and understand why and how I reacted. I feel so refreshed and while the road ahead isn't going to be easy I feel it has so much to offer.

I've been trying to think of a way to express how I feel and came up with this:
"Up to now I feel like i've been walking through a world covered in deep snow, those huge exhausting steps draining my energy and not really getting anywhere. All of a sudden the snow has melted and i'm standing on a road. Now the tricky part is to learn how to walk normal without those huge energy draining steps and take that journey called life. Sure the road will have potholes and bumps, but EVERYONE has to deal with them!"

Do you notice much differance in me in the past few days?

[kune]

Well of course there is a difference. You are now looking the right way -----> Forward rather than Backwards <----- (or somewhere inbetween.
Everyone here on the forums will tell you that those outside the adoption community really do not "get it" when adoption is discussed. It's very difficult to explain how each and every one of us has, in some way, experienced a profound loss With adoption, the birthparent loses a child they have nurtured and bonded with for 9 months, the child loses his/her innate connection with the primary parent and, and in most instances the adoptive parents have opted for adoption because they are unable to concieve their own child. Afterwards, eachtry to move on with their lives, usually denying that their loss made them less than whole. I think you have finally found a place where you are heard, acknowledged and understood. (I know this is how I felt when I found these forums).

You are on way and it's a great start. With Janny and Gina's help I think you are starting to work it out.

This made me smile.....it is so appropriate.....especially with your description of "past steps".

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields,
And until we meet again,
May God hold you
In the palm of his hand

.

Ann

[fauxgina]

Sorry, Paul, I wasn't ignoring your question! As kune has said, we can definitely see the change in your demeanor between your first post and your last few. A little bit of understanding and validation really does a lot for a person's confidence and sense of identity!

Kune mentioned that people who aren't adopted simply can't understand the sense that we adoptees have of being somehow incomplete or faulty. I had a long discussion over coffee with my mother-in-law on Sunday afternoon, and we talked a bit about how I felt about being adopted. I think she sees where I'm coming from (because she is incredibly sensitive and perceptive), but it took a while of hemming and hawing before she understood why I said that love just isn't enough to make an adopted person feel complete. If you've read Primal Wound, you may remember the vivid passage that Verrier quotes (I believe it's from one of Betty Jean Lifton's books), about the child who has burns over 90% of his body and he is crying out for mommy--then the next sentence is, "Mommy is the one who burned him." My MIL doesn't understand that child's mentality--that not just any mom will do, even when the "real" (as she put it) mom has abused the child. Obviously, it is better for the child to be removed from the custody of abusive parents/guardians, but no one can ever replace the biological mother in the child's heart and mind. So we go around with a hole there. It is sad, but it is no one's express fault. It's just the nature of the process--and adoption, like it or not, is a necessary process for some people.

Anyway, I hope you're still doing well--haven't heard from you in a few days. I know there's a lot to wade through and sort out, so please know that you can come here anytime if you're feeling overwhelmed or confused or misunderstood.

[IrishPaul]

I'm still doing well, although I had a bit of a down few hours yesterday when I realised "Primal wound" reactions to things are still very much there. I've an overwhelming desire to make people understand, but as you say people just don't get it and I feel they think i'm just trying to make excuses for my previous mistakes and actions.

Over the past year i've shut so many people out of my life. So last night I met my two older brothers and cleared the air as to how i've felt and where I am now. To my suprise they both told me they knew that this overload or breakdown was going to hit me at some stage like a train as they where told by someone a number of years ago!! This doesn't mean they get the feelings, but they know that i've been affected by adoption and it was only a matter of time before it caught up with me.

Gina, i've been very aware of the bond between mother and child over the past week. My 6 yr old soon was ill over the weekend and all he wanted was to be in his mothers arms, all my attempts to comfort him would never begin to replace that mother child bond. Before I would've put this down to my failing as a father, so I truely "get it" now. I would love to sit down and talk to my birth mother, but considering she has gone through the loss of her son recently it makes that almost impossible.

Anyway i've tracked down a therapist who specialises in adult adoptees issues and hope to begin the task of finding my true self and with the support of my family and the very helpful members in here I can begin to start living again or for the first time which ever way you want to look at it.

Paul.

[fauxgina]

Don't beat yourself up about your "Primal Wound reactions" (I like that phrase). Knowledge may equal power, but power does not equal immediate change--only the potential for change. You are empowered now to change yourself, but that takes time. Think of it this way: if you had a friend who was in your shoes, who'd spent the past 35 years acting and thinking in a certain way because of his experiences in life, would you expect him to change overnight after his epiphany? I think you'd be very gentle and understanding with him, and if you can turn that compassion onto how you think about yourself, that will make this process that much more gentle on you.

I've been having a lot of problems with my mom lately, some of which are my issues about being adopted, and some of which are completely unrelated. But I've had a VERY hard time letting go of her opinion of me; I've felt my whole life that the only way she could love me was if she always approved of me. Well, for the past 10 years I've been in a relationship with a man of whom she does not approve of to the extent that I get the sense that she hates him. This has been very VERY hurtful to me, and although I was strong enough to stick it out with my now husband, there were a couple of times when I tried to throw it all away just because I knew she didn't approve. Her feelings are incredibly strong, and whether she's right or wrong (she's wrong, lol), there is nothing I can say or do to change her mind--it's something she will have to deal with herself. The big problem is hers, but there are still behaviors that I have to deal with that make it my problem, too: she didn't come to our wedding, she doesn't call me, she doesn't send any presents or cards to my husband, and she doesn't even talk about him or acknowledge his existence. I find this incredibly selfish and painful, and I keep having primal wound reactions to it--I assert myself in a mature manner, then immediately apologize and grovel for forgiveness when she gets offended by my asserting myself. I know in my mind that I shouldn't be acting this way, but it's how I've always acted around her--like a subordinate wolf to the alpha female, crawling on my belly and looking apologetic and baleful. It disgusts me, I'm so ashamed of it, but I am having an incredibly hard time breaking out of that habit.

My point is, I need to cut myself more slack and try to think things through before apologizing instinctively for things that are perfectly mature and justified. Remember that you deserve to let yourself off the hook for things you honestly feel you can't control. You will learn control as time goes on. I guess it's like learning to walk; you start out by only being able to stand for a few seconds, then you take a few shaky, stumbling steps, and eventually you gain the strength and control to walk, run, and even dance. You will fall on your butt, but just as you would never scold your child for not walking properly when he's just learning, it will do you no good to scold yourself for not changing habits that have been with you all your life. You developed those habits for valid reasons all those years ago; they may not be appropriate now, but as long as you can see when you're acting in a way you don't feel is true to yourself, and apologize if and when it is necessary if you've hurt someone, you are doing the mature thing and growing.

I hope this helps you during the darker times. These realizations feel wonderful at some times, and terrible at others. You are not alone! You are strong and capable and lovable and deserving.

Another member on this forum (Brockbaby) had a wonderful idea on the Bookies Corner thread: she suggested that people write down three good things that happened to them during their day. They don't have to be big major things--you could have had an awesome meal, or maybe someone smiled at you on the street and made you feel good, or maybe you just liked the way the sun felt on your face at a particular moment. Maybe reminding yourself of the small pleasures and good things in life can help reduce the impact of the negative things you're feeling and experiencing.

Keep it up, Paul. It doesn't always feel good to work through these things, but you are gaining knowledge every day that you can use for the rest of your life. Wisdom doesn't come easy!

[fauxgina]

Sorry, that posted twice.