[doinit4me]

I've been kicking this around some with people and thought I would just start a thread on it to get additional opinions.

I am an adoptee who recently started her search. One question that seems to be coming up alot is "What are my expectations?"

I wrote about this in my journal but thought I'd bring it to a bigger forum. Here are my thoughts. I don't think expectations is the word that should be used. To be honest, I am getting tired of people asking me that. The reason I say this is because I feel that if you place expectations on people, you are in a sense, setting them up for failure. The only thing I think that I "expect" to get from my search is some sort of closure. I think that no matter what I find out, I won't have this grey area of my life. I will have tried.

I think a better question is "What do you hope to gain from the search?" My "hopes" are that I find my bmom. My "hope" is that there is that connection that I don't feel that I've ever really had. I "hope" that she wants to know me as much as I want to know her. I "hope" that I can feel complete once I know. These are some of my "hopes".

How do you feel? As an adoptee, bmom or amom, as you go through this process did you have expectations or did you have hopes? What are your thoughts on having expectations while going through this process? Did you expect to find a bond, a mom, a friend, a connection? Did you expect to look at your bmom or bchild and know that you belonged together? Did you expect that you would be able to meet and walk away happy just with the knowledge of knowing?

As far as me, I "expect" that if I buy an expensive item, that it won't break down right away. I expect that if I put my money in a bank, it will still be there tomorrow. Saying I expect things from this search would be like saying I expect my three years old not to say something inappropriate at the wrong time. Or I expect the sun to be out because the weatherman said it would. No, these are things I hope for. LOL!

I was just wondering if anyone else had issues with expectations. I look forward to hearing what everyone thinks.

Lori

[fauxgina]

Although I am not in reunion, and it isn't on the books for anytime in the near future, I think this is an excellent topic. I am someone who is currently struggling with my expectations of my (adoptive) mom; and I believe, to some extent, she is dealing with the same disappointment. Expectations do nothing but disappoint. I think you are very wise to use the words "hopes" and "goals"--they seem far more heartfelt and appropriate (and forgiving, if they aren't met/fulfilled). Expectations are rigid things that we all have, of course, but they don't tend to be very healthy; perhaps you can help effect a change in the way people think about relationships with others--whether it's through reunion or biology or romance or just friendship. Maybe it's something we have to learn the hard way, but maybe if we know about the pitfalls of expectations beforehand, it won't be so difficult...

[kune]

doinit4me (good name - I like it!!)

You asked some questions.

Did you expect to find a bond, a mom, a friend, a connection?

First off - I'm a birthmother. I did have expectations but like you, I called them hopes. I wanted that bond, I wanted to know my son, and I wanted him to feel the same connection I had felt all those years we were apart - that feeling of belonging. Most of all.....I wanted to be his friend - part of his significant others.

Did you expect to look at your bmom or bchild and know that you belonged together?

Yes....I knew for me he could have been 3'6" and ugly, and I would have thought he was beautiful. He wasn't at all like I expected, but I always knew he belonged to me. For the adoptee, I think it is possibly different. They already have a mother and usually, at the time of searching, they are not in need of parents as such. It must be hard working out where this relative stranger fits into their world. Not many young men or women have friends who are 20 years older than them.

Did you expect that you would be able to meet and walk away happy just with the knowledge of knowing?

If he was happy but didn't want any more from me than to meet - I would have complied. I would have been devestated, and I'd spent years going over what could-have-been and/or what was missed, but to know that he was alive, well and living a good life would have been so much more than I started with. So.....if that is all he had to offer, I would have complied gratefully.

I hoped my son had inherited my "nosy" gene. I was both scared and excited when his letter arrived. Scared = Was he angry? Did he hate me for placing him? Will he meet me and then abandon me so I can feel the hurt he's gone through?
Excited = Who does he look like? Whose traits and characteristics does he portray? Will his presence make me forgive myself?

Our reunion has been a long time in the making, and it's still two people getting to know how the other feels and operates. I love him with all my being. It's a different love than I have with my subsequent children. I know them inside out. With him, I constantly am learning and (of course) being careful that I don't overstep the boundaries of his own family. It is sometimes a delicate dance.....but one I wouldn't be without. I wake every morning with a smile knowing I could ring, text or even fly out to see him if the need was great.

Does this help? All relationships are different - but I count this special friendship with my first-born one of the most heartfelt journeys I will have in this life.

I recommend it

Ann

[doinit4me]

Thanks Fauxgina! It's just been something that I've been kicking around for awhile. And it does seem like everyone asks me that question! I think having expectations hurt more than help when it comes to certain things. This being one of them! Don't get me wrong, I can be just as disappointed if what I hope doesn't come to pass, but I find that if I expect something to happen and it doesn't I just get angry. To me that's a huge difference.

Glad to hear from you!

[doinit4me]

Hi Ann.
Thanks! I like the name too! I think it's very appropriate considering the DH keeps asking me why I'm doing this! (He just wants to make sure I'm doing it for the right reasons...I keep thinking, what other reason would there be! LOL!)

Anyway, thank you very much for your heartfelt responses. It is great to get insight from a birth mother's point of view. I'm just trying to figure out if people went into this "expecting" one thing and how they felt if it did or didn't happen or if people went into this "hoping" for something and how they felt if it did or didn't come to pass.

It just seems that there is a difference and you can hear it in some of the posts. It sounds like if someone had hopes that didn't come to pass, they tend to sound more disappointed whereas if people actually had expectations, they sound more angry that things didn't work out the way they thought they would.

It's just my observations... I'm thrilled that your reunion is going so well! Sounds like you and your son are on the path of healing. Congrats to the both of you!

Lori

[hrisme]

I didn't allow myself to have either. I agree with your view on expectations & the term "hope" implies some emotional connection to the result, which is what I refused to allow myself to experience. I did have a goal. I wanted to find a medical history & I wanted to find out why I was placed for adoption. I acheived both of these things, and that satisfied me. But a part of me wonders how things would have turned out if I'd allowed myself to hope for relationships. I mean, obviously it wouldn't have been "happily ever after", but maybe I would feel more comfortable with my biological uncles (who were wonderfully welcoming the first, and only, time we met) & maybe I'd be less hesitant to have continued contact with my birthmother, who has schizophrenia.

[kune]

hrisme and Lori
I'm betwixt and between about what anyone should expect or hope for, but I would assume that if a search is commenced because of a need - there is an expectation there that surpasses information on health and your birth story.

hirisme - I am sorry you found your birthmother had schizophrenia. Reunion is so emotionally charged and that can't have been easy for either of you. Great to hear that your Uncles welcomed you with open arms. Have you considered continuing contact with them so you have knowledge of the family, and feel connected in a way that would fit with your lifestyle?


Ann

[kune]

hrisme
After the previous post, I just went back and read your story (one of your first posts). Whew...my heart goes out to you. You have had many searches (and some wonderful help along the way) but how hard it must have been to find your birthfamily's medical history. I am in awe of you and your ability to look for the sunshine rather than dwell on the downside.

Nice to learn that you were contacted by your brother. How long ago was the contact?


Ann

[doug43223]

Doinitforme, I think your name says a lot! It's about you. I just met bmom and sister last week and tried to keep expectations under control, they were mostly hopes. It exceeded my expectations in many ways, but others could have been disapointing if I set my sights to high. My bfather is an alcoholic and bbrother a drug adict, you dont know what you will find. I did find a wonderful woman who gave birth to me and welcomed me into her life, along with her daughter, the first sister I ever met. They are both so great, I did have an immediate connection with bmom and had no doubts it was her as soon as I saw her, which are things I hoped for. I also found out I had 2 sisters on my bdads side, who I pre judged thinking they would want nothing to do with me, until I got a phone call last night from one of them, and she was so sweet and eager to form a relationship with me, so I would be careful with expectations. You never know what you will find. I would have done it however it turned out, but I have been extremely lucky in reuniting. If you want a relationship with her, then I would be open to it, without expectation or judgement, and be carefull not to push.

I think your name says a lot, and I know its hard but you need to figure out your own reasons for wanting to know. I think reasons are better than expectations, could keep you from being hurt if you were rejected. I feel so bad for some of those stories that I have read on here.

While going through the search, I got pretty emotional, which changed me from just wanting to find her to wanting to meet and know her. It started out as a curiosity to find siblings (that I always felt I missed out on) and got more than I could have hoped for. Good luck to you in your search! I wish you the best!

[doinit4me]

Hi Hrisme,

I just read the posts here and decided to read your story before I commented. You have such great strength inside of you! We all go on this journey having absolutely no idea of what we will find. It's amazing that we survive at all! We can't totally rely on information given to us before hand and we can't help but hope that what we find will complete us and not hurt us in the end.

I also wonder like Kune if you have thoughts about any more contact with your bfamily. I hope that you find some sort of peace from your search. If nothing else, you have that one moment of clarity from you bmom that no matter how bad the illness, you still know how she truely felt.

I really hope that things work out for you.
All my best,
Lori

[doinit4me]

Hi Doug,

I'm sorry to hear about your bdad and bbrother's issues. I haven't found anything out yet on mine but my adad (and amom) was an alcoholic so I have some understanding of the disease. All I can say on that is that I was very close to my adad and among the thorns, there were roses. We had a wonderful relationship in the moments between drinks. Sometimes moments are all that we have.

I'm so happy for you that you not only found a receptive bmom and sister but two additional sisters through your bdad! I look forward to my search. I look forward to finding out what may be out there waiting for me, no matter what it is. I just have to remember that whatever I do "get" out of this...it's more than what I started with.

Thanks for the support. I think that I've done a lot of soul searching since coming to this site. It's nice to hear what others are going, or have gone through in their journeys. I wish you much happiness in your reunion and hope that you will be able to have some sort of relationship with your bfather.

Sincerely,
Lori

[hrisme]

<<I'm betwixt and between about what anyone should expect or hope for, but I would assume that if a search is commenced because of a need - there is an expectation there that surpasses information on health and your birth story.>>

I didn't say that there wasn't a need, I just refuse to acknowledge my needs. Not just in the search, but with life in general. If you don't have needs, you can't get hurt. Nice sample of twisted thinking. Maybe it would work if human beings could not have needs. Too bad it's not reality.

<<hirisme - I am sorry you found your birthmother had schizophrenia. Reunion is so emotionally charged and that can't have been easy for either of you. Great to hear that your Uncles welcomed you with open arms. Have you considered continuing contact with them so you have knowledge of the family, and feel connected in a way that would fit with your lifestyle? >>

I've thought about it hundreds of times. They were more than willing to welcome me into the family. It has been two years since I made contact with them. I was going to send a Christmas card. I was going to call to tell them I found my brother. I was going to write an e-mail to my aunt to try and get more family history. I've done nothing. I have an aversion to relationships, I just don't know how to manage them.

<<I am in awe of you and your ability to look for the sunshine rather than dwell on the downside.>>

You just missed the parts where I dwell on the downside. I do it all the time, especially when I'm in my depressive periods. I have a lot of grief & pain, and since I don't cope with it effectively most of the time it comes out as anger & resentment.

<<Nice to learn that you were contacted by your brother. How long ago was the contact?>>

My brother contacted me in July, and we e-mailed back and forth for a couple of months. Then he stopped, with no explanation whatsoever. Reasonably, I am telling myself he had a reason. He was in the military & I wonder if he could possibly have been deployed. Or maybe it simply was too much to deal with right now, I can understand that. Emotionally, it's yet another abandonment without explanation, and further proof that relationships hurt & should be avoided at all cost.

On an interesting side note, my adopted brother is serving a mission out of the country for two years, he has been gone nearly a year now. I rarely have contact with him. I can't handle long distance relationships. It is, for me, as if he does not exist, because he is not present. My therapist says it's a lack of object permanence.

My grief & abandonment issues are big today, lots going on in this little mind of mine. I'm ready for my therapy appointment tomorrow!

[mymotherssacrifice]

Doinit4me,

I think you are very wise to be taking into consideration how "expectations" may affect your search. My situation is fairly unique since my birth mother is most likely an invalid, but I have been just been pacing myself as far as trying to gain information. I just wanted to share the advice that my counselor gave me, she pretty much said to expect the worst, to prepare emotionally for the worst case in my search, that way if I do find out anything good it will just seem like a bonus. In your situation I wouldn't necessarily say the worst, but I would say not to get into it with too high of hopes. I would like to believe with age and maturity that birth parents are better people than they were when they put a child up for adoption, but there is just no guarantee. Good luck!!!

Amanda

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by doinit4me

I've been kicking this around some with people and thought I would just start a thread on it to get additional opinions.

I am an adoptee who recently started her search. One question that seems to be coming up alot is "What are my expectations?"

I wrote about this in my journal but thought I'd bring it to a bigger forum. Here are my thoughts. I don't think expectations is the word that should be used. To be honest, I am getting tired of people asking me that. The reason I say this is because I feel that if you place expectations on people, you are in a sense, setting them up for failure. The only thing I think that I "expect" to get from my search is some sort of closure. I think that no matter what I find out, I won't have this grey area of my life. I will have tried.

I think a better question is "What do you hope to gain from the search?" My "hopes" are that I find my bmom. My "hope" is that there is that connection that I don't feel that I've ever really had. I "hope" that she wants to know me as much as I want to know her. I "hope" that I can feel complete once I know. These are some of my "hopes".

How do you feel? As an adoptee, bmom or amom, as you go through this process did you have expectations or did you have hopes? What are your thoughts on having expectations while going through this process? Did you expect to find a bond, a mom, a friend, a connection? Did you expect to look at your bmom or bchild and know that you belonged together? Did you expect that you would be able to meet and walk away happy just with the knowledge of knowing?

As far as me, I "expect" that if I buy an expensive item, that it won't break down right away. I expect that if I put my money in a bank, it will still be there tomorrow. Saying I expect things from this search would be like saying I expect my three years old not to say something inappropriate at the wrong time. Or I expect the sun to be out because the weatherman said it would. No, these are things I hope for. LOL!

I was just wondering if anyone else had issues with expectations. I look forward to hearing what everyone thinks.

Lori

When I started searching I didn't feel I had any hopes at all.

Hope, implying that something would come of it.

At first I just wanted reasurance that he was alive and well. Then as I met others who were searching or had searched. I began to hope maybe he would want me as much as I wanted him.

It never dawned on me that he would be anything at all like me or the 2 kinds I had raised. I had never allowed myself, in 33 years, to ever wonder who he might take after. Who he might look like. Even in personality I just assumed he would be like his adoptive parents.
I think not wonder those questions all those years kept me sealed off from the emotions that would swarmp me once I started searching.

What I found was a young man who took after my side of the family. Who has my personality. Many of the same food likes and dislikes. He told me our first meeting he didn't eat nuts in food. He liked nuts, just not mixed in other food. That he was the only one in his family (afam) who didn't eat nuts in other food.

I smiled, and told him how my grandmother would make cinnamon rolls when I was little. How she always made a small pan for me, without nuts. His jaw dropped.
He went on to tell me that he ate dill pickles and cheese and his wife thought it was nasty. There again, I ate that when I was pregnant with him, I loved it.

Odd things yes, but things that were common in my house, seemed odd to his family.

It is late and I don't know where I am going with this.

We have been reunited for over 10 years. He indeed wanted to find us as much as we wanted to find him. He wanted a relationship, he wanted to be my son too.

He is, my son too.

[doinit4me]

Hrisme,

I really feel for you. I can tell you that at one point in my life I felt that everyone that I loved was leaving me. (Many of our relatives passed that I had been close to in a short period of time.) I was so angry at God. I felt that if I never loved anything it wouldn't hurt so bad. So I tried to close my heart for a while.

What I found was that (and I know this is going to sound like a cliche) without sadness, you never know happiness. You can't know love if you don't allow yourself to feel love.

You indicated that you tend to dwell on the downside of things. I can relate. I had a period of time when I did that as well. It was much easier to look around and see what was wrong with the world and people in it than to look for the good. But that is what you have to allow yourself to do. I know it can hurt when people let you down. It's easier to say they will eventually leave me, they will eventually hurt me but I did find that people can surprise you.

Take one day at a time. Try to find one thing in that day that makes it good. When you first start out, it might be hard if you've been looking for the bad for a while but after awhile it does get easier.

As far as your brother and uncles...all I can suggest is baby steps. Whether you realize it or not, you may have put expectations on them already. Just not great ones. You may already be assuming that they will leave you or hurt you as other relationships have.

You might also want to start keeping a good feeling journal. It's easy sometimes to write or think about the negative things that happen and much harder to find the positive. Try to find one good thing that happened each day. Whether it's something small like the sun shining when it was supposed to be overcast, a rainbow after a rain shower or someone saying "hi". The good is out there. It's just not always as "in your face" as the bad stuff.

I hope this helps and I haven't overstepped my boundries. I wish you the best.
Lori