[doug43223]

I am in reunion with bmom and half sister, and bmom asked if I wanted to meet the father. I havent thought about it much, but I dont have a burning desire to meet him (I want to meet his daughters, my sisters). DO any other adoptees feel like that, why do I desire bmom in my life and not bfather? I dont really understand it, maybe because I was an 18 year old man once and see it as him just "getting some", she carried me for 9 months, and gave birth. Any thoughts?

[carolynppk]

I can relate. I really never had a burning desire to ever know my bfather, where I have always thought about my bmother. When I reunited I had some curiosity, but from what little I have found out, it doesn't sound like a really good idea to meet him. He was 18 or 19 at conception, my mother was 15. So yeah, I see what it is you are saying.

Carolyn

[fauxgina]

Doug, I think your lack of interest in meeting your birth father right now is perfectly natural. If you think about it, adoptees reuniting with bmoms quite often regress to childhood, even if they're full-grown, independent adults. And the biggest thing in a kid's world, however great Dad is, is Mom. I would have replied the same way to her question, because my top priority--initially, at least--would be to get to know her. You may find that once you're more comfortable and familiar with your relationship with her, you will feel more interested in meeting and getting to know your birth father. It seems to be the natural order of importance of the parents in a child's life, if things aren't interrupted.

[doinit4me]

Hi Doug,
I agree with Fauxgina. I think pretty much every adoptee who thinks of a reunion thinks of their bmom first and formost. There may come a day when you decide that you want to meet him but in the mean time just give yourself time.

I think it's easy for us to form preconceptions towards the bfather because we always hear of the young girl in love and the jerk that left her. We look upon her with something like devotion because technically she was the one who said even though I can't keep my baby I want it to have a good home. We don't hear that often of the bfather saying I can't raise it but that baby is a part of me and I want it to have a good life. Maybe you should talk to your bmom about it. Just as you said you remember being 18yrs old and getting some, think about being 18 and being afraid of becoming a father. (Not many 18 yr olds are ready for it.) Not to sound mean or anything, but it took two to tango. Our bmoms weren't ready for the responsibility and neither were our bfathers. I'm just saying don't totally discount him as a part of your life because he is still a part of you.

I hope this made sense. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[loveajax]

doug, DH recently wrote a letter to his birth mom (unfortunately, he has not heard back yet). there really would be no way of "finding" his birth dad now, b/c there was no name listed on the OBC. he would need to find out the info from his birth mom. he hasn't seem particularly "curious" about this aspect, though since he is in great shape, but still has high cholesterol, etc., I personally think it would be nice at least if it was possible to get a medical history.

don't shut the door (i am not an adoptee, these are just my thoughts!), but don't feel like you have to "force" anything right now either.

my SIL who reunited with her birth mom has never tried to find her birth dad either....she just never really wanted to, I guess.

[loveis]

What I am learning is where I am now and where I was when my reunion started 4 months ago are VERY different. My bmom asked if I wanted to meet bdad, she would contact him for me, and I said no way. Well my feelings have changed on that subject. I just emailed bmom the other day that we need to talk about it, I need to hear more and talk to her about it when we get some time together alone. And then I will probably have her contact him and see if he even wants to meet, if he doesn't that is ok too but at least I will have tried. I need to close the loop on all of this, not right now but I will.

So be open you never know how you are going to feel down the road. Enjoy your reunion one day at a time. Whatever decision you make today does not have to be set in stone, you can change your mind and you probably will. I have changed my mind on most things in the past 4 months and everything worked out for the best!

Keep enjoying what you have, you'll figure out the rest!

[Sniffles]

For me it was finding her first because she was the easiest to find. In the one and only response that I received from her, she told me that it was basically a one night stand and that she doesn't know who he is. She told me that she used some guy's name that she went to school with. Her mother thinks it is crap and that my b-mom knows who it is. I personally believe my grandmother. She had been out of High School at least one year before she was pregnant with me. To top that off it took the home two years after I was born to find and contact this guy to have him sign the paperwork. So IMHO there had to be at least some possibility that he had gotten her pregnant for him to have signed the papers. I've got absolutely nothing on him and my grandparents can't remember either. One of my uncles can remember a guy in military uniform picking up my b-mom one night for a date and that is about it. We do have a very strong feeling that he was in the military and stationed at Fort Bliss at that time. This is all coming for the paperwork from the home. So even though I would like the chance to even contact him, I can't. It sucks, but that is where I am stuck at.

[sweetpea012607]

Doug,

Like the ones who have posted before me, take it a day at a time. I have been in reunion with my b-mom and b-sister since last July. I've really been enjoying what time I have with them. We are now meeting twice a month for lunch to get to know each other better. I found out about my b-father at the beginning of this month. I know where he lives and that he has 3 daughters. But he has yet to contact me. I'm not sure if he just doesn't want to and ignore I exist or if there's something stopping him.

In all honesty, I want to be in contact with him because I want to know what he looks like, if I look like him, and to find my 3 sisters foremost. So be patient, take your time, and try not to get too frustrated if things don't go your way.

SP

[mlassi]

I had to find my mother first because she knew his name. She gave me his name and what info she knew in our first conversation (she brought it up). I contacted him a few weeks later and we have developed a great relationship.

[HBTrina]

After reading most of the posts I find that I have a slightly different take on the topic. I had always wanted to look for my Birth dad before my birth mom. My parents were told by the caseworker that my birthfather may be interested in me. So with this knowledge I had a feeling that a reunion would be more likely with him.

The thought of finding my birth mom acutally scared me a little. However my birth father was never listed on my b/c. So in order to find him I had to locate her. Acutally she ended up giving me his name.

If you are interested in looking up your birth father maybe you should consider it. People can change over the years. When I first meet my birth father he told me that he had thought about me over the years.

[txrnr]

I had little interest until I recieved my non-id info and found out he was against the adoption, and even paid all my bmom's expenses etc... I thought that was pretty cool. To be fair though, I haven't contacted either of them.

[RavenSong]

When I reunited with my son, I waited for about a year before I asked him if he wanted me to contact his bdad. He said "yes", so I contacted him and set up a meeting time and place. The meeting went well, but they never saw each other again. About one or two years later, bdad died in an accident. I am so grateful that our son had the chance to meet him, hear his voice, and shake his hand.

Too often, we say that we have all the time in the world to sort things out, etc. But this just isn't true a lot of the time. None of us know how many days are allotted in our lifetime....

[snuffie]

I would love to know for absolutely certain who my bdad is. I would love to have health history, a photo, and I even would love to have a relationship with him.

I pray every day for that.

[Emily358]

My vote is that you should do (or not do) whatever it takes for you to be comfortable. If that means leaving the birthdad stone unturned, go for it. If it means finding him soon, go for it. If it means waiting and maybe changing your mind later, go for it.

There's no such thing as normal in reunion, in my opinion. The statistical reunion norm (if not mean or median, then mode, at least) is probably "adoptee-finds-bmom first and has relationship with bmom but not bdad," but in my case, I was found by bmom then years (and I mean years!) later I looked up bdad (who had given her his address when she asked for it) and now have a close relationship with him but only very minimal contact at all with her. If I had gone along with what everybody else told me to do or thought was "normal" instead of what felt right for me, I probably wouldn't be as happy with my reunion as I am today (not that it isn't complicated, mind you, but overall I'm content). I'd either have done my best to avoid reunion (inasmuch as one can when pursued relentlessly by bmom) to please people who feel it's wrong or given precedence to her due to people who hold bdads more responsible than bmoms for unplanned pregnancy and relinquishment.

In short, do what makes you happy. I've always said that my reunion with bdad is the first truly selfish major decision I've ever made--and one of the best!

[Oceans]

Hey Doug - I have a question for you if you don't mind...

But first, a longish history...

About a month before my son turned 18, I told my entire family about him (I am from the "closed" era), mentally prepared myself, and then made contact with his father who subsequently sent me 2 envelopes. One was addressed to our son (very thick) and another addressed to his parents. I have never opened those envelopes so I don't know what they contain. He also told his daughter about her brother, told his family etc.... So we were all prepared.

The day of his 18th birthday was like reliving my "due" date. I sat by the phone TOTALLY expecting "the call". I don't know what I was I thinking but it was such a HUGE anniversary for me In a good way...

Fast forward 8 years and the call has never come. Now I am thinking of making contact (he is 26). So.. on to my question...

Would you want to know about those envelopes sooner than later in the reunion process? Would it make you feel uncomfortable or would it be easier than a phone number and getting the info youself?

Thanks!

Oceans -