[wilted rose]

There have been several posts lately on the highs and lows of reunion. How has reunion affected your life? What's been the most difficult, challenging? Conversely, what has been most rewarding?

Rose

[wilted rose]

I come up with these threads, then I have to go and ponder it for awhile...
Reunion for me has come in the form of a mixed blessing. Sooo many wonderful blessings, yet alot of pain and grief to work through. Initially the rush of the 'honeymoon phase' was often clouded with feelings of being overwhelmed, saddened and bewildered. Upon certain discoveries I began putting the pieces of the puzzle together, while realizing the family dynamics. I've not suffered from 'mania' but those feelings, and emotions must run a close second, wow! I'm the youngest of nine and to feel such elation at reuniting with one bparent and five bsiblings, then only to discover the other bparent and a bsibling deceased, and two others whose lives have been destroyed...
Such a joy spending time together with bfamily, making new memories, seeing all of the similarities, and idiosyncrisies. Sharing our past joys and hurts...
We've had an opportunity to see each other at our worst, especially struggling through our bmothers' illness and death, and through some monumentous happier occassions like a family wedding recently. Coming to grip with ' the letting go' of the past for me has been the most difficult, a shattered dream of ...
Instead an interwoven tapestry of all of our journeys, all the hard, hard work of each of us, those who had the courage to survive, and somehow thrive...
Seeing them smile and laugh and cry real tears. Feeling the warmth of the genuine affection through a hug, a caress, a look of approval and caring. Coming to a place where you can speak your mind, without fear of rejection, taking a step back knowing they won't disappear. Wishing you lived closer especially through holidays, and yet knowing distance can be a good thing... I never expected to feel such deep love, and to watch it blossom over time...
Rose

[sarahbunny]

In the beginning, it was a lot of excitement. Joy. Overwhelming feelings.

By the end though...really only sadness and a lot of regret that I did it.

Long story short...letters back and forth for a year, very flowery with phrases from my birthmother about how we should meet, so happy I searched, etc. Flew out to meet for a weekend (Friday to Sunday) and it was a total disaster, with no gettiing to know each other, like i thought. More like a tourism weekend and a lot of grilling about what it was, exactly, that I was expecting when I came out, and a big refusal to all her mother to meet me (I guess she thought I was maybe looking for something money-wise. That's the feeling I got). A year passes with no contact, then a letter of apology and please can we start over. So we do, then my daughter is born and we adopt her and I haven't heard from her since then - 15months ago.

Frustration and embarrasment are the two best words to descrive the whole thing. Frustration, because ALL I wanted was to look at someone who legitamately would look like me. I will never have that - I just wanted to see someone who was biologically related to me. But was so uncomfortable at our meeting that I didn't really look at her at all.

And embarrasment, because I put myself out there. Now I feel like a total loser. And no one understands - my dh (who is one of the few people that even know I did this) just says to forget about it. But I can't, even though I was never someone who really wanted to search.

So...not so much good. I am glad that I got an updated medical history though.

[keds]

Reunion has been a challenge but I believe it has changed my life for the better. Meeting and learning all about my bson and his accomplishments and dreams for the future has eased the pain of relinquishment but, at the same time, made me realize what was lost and with that a lot of emotions. The high - knowing he's had a great life and wants a relationship and doesn't hate me for placement. Telling my other children all about him and them not judging me, or him. The lows - hearing how great his life is sometimes, wanting more contact and to know everything about him NOW and having to show patience, not one of my best qualities. Watching how hard it is for my other children come to terms with not knowing about him and trying to figure out how to build a relationship.

Rose I love your comments: "Coming to a place where you can speak your mind, without fear of rejection, taking a step back knowing they won't disappear. Wishing you lived closer especially through holidays, and yet knowing distance can be a good thing". I'm not there yet, but hope we both can be soon. We are fortunate to have a day's travel between us so when we do get together it's because we both want it and not a "surprise" visit.

[snuffie]

Rose, I loved your comments. I couldn't say it any better than you already have.

[MrsHoot]

There's a lot of bad and ugly involved with reunion but I'll give you some good today...some of the most rewarding parts for me have just been little things, like hearing my first born say she's excited to be a big sister to my two younger girls, hearing her say that having two families is wonderful...

One of the best things just happened the other day...we were able to call my eldest daughter, on her birthday, and sing "Happy Birthday" to her...this is something I had never imagined being able to do. It was wonderful - words can hardly describe how good it felt to be able to pick up the phone and call her just like I would anyone else in the family...it incidentally was also the first time I ever spoke to her on the phone!
PRICELESS!!!

[wilted rose]

Originally Posted by sarahbunny

And embarrasment, because I put myself out there. Now I feel like a total loser. And no one understands - my dh (who is one of the few people that even know I did this) just says to forget about it. But I can't, even though I was never someone who really wanted to search.

So...not so much good. I am glad that I got an updated medical history though.

Sarah, I'm sorry your reunion wasn't what you hoped for. As I'm sure you don't need me to tell you, your bmother could be in pullback and having alot of grief to work through, do you still hold out hope there could eventually be contact or is this becoming too emotionally difficult...
Congratulations on your daughter!
Rose

[wilted rose]

[quote=keds.

Rose I love your comments: "Coming to a place where you can speak your mind, without fear of rejection, taking a step back knowing they won't disappear. Wishing you lived closer especially through holidays, and yet knowing distance can be a good thing". I'm not there yet, but hope we both can be soon. We are fortunate to have a day's travel between us so when we do get together it's because we both want it and not a "surprise" visit.[/quote]

Ah, yes I'm sure you will Keds, have you ever heard of the book 'The Secret'? It's become rather popular but really a very old concept dating back to the time of great philosphers like Aristotle centred around the 'law of attraction'. How we have the ability as human beings by focusing our positive intention to manifest into our lives our hearts' desire, I find this concept so simplistic yet fascinating, works for me...
Rose

[wilted rose]

Snuffie you and I have soo much in common when it comes to reunion, I always relate to your posts...
Hugs,
Rose

[wilted rose]

Originally Posted by MrsHoot

One of the best things just happened the other day...we were able to call my eldest daughter, on her birthday, and sing "Happy Birthday" to her...this is something I had never imagined being able to do. It was wonderful - words can hardly describe how good it felt to be able to pick up the phone and call her just like I would anyone else in the family...it incidentally was also the first time I ever spoke to her on the phone!
PRICELESS!!!

I'm so very happy for you!! I had the opportunity just after reunion to spend one birthday with my bmother when she was alive, that is a memory I shall treasure for many years to come...
Rose

[sarahbunny]

Originally Posted by wilted rose

Sarah, I'm sorry your reunion wasn't what you hoped for. As I'm sure you don't need me to tell you, your bmother could be in pullback and having alot of grief to work through, do you still hold out hope there could eventually be contact or is this becoming too emotionally difficult...
Congratulations on your daughter!
Rose

I don't know if there will be contact or not...I do wonder if maybe MY adopting dd brought back alot of memories for her that were painful?

I think the hardest part is, even though I really think there will be contact again and pull back from her again, resulting in more hurt feelings - I would still go along with it. Now I feel like something is wrong with me...and I think deep down, I would look for some sort of validation that it isn't something about *me* per se that she doesn't like.

[keds]

Rose, I haven't heard of the book but I'll be going out tomorrow to find it! Thanks.

[wilted rose]

Originally Posted by sarahbunny

I don't know if there will be contact or not...I do wonder if maybe MY adopting dd brought back alot of memories for her that were painful?

I think the hardest part is, even though I really think there will be contact again and pull back from her again, resulting in more hurt feelings - I would still go along with it. Now I feel like something is wrong with me...and I think deep down, I would look for some sort of validation that it isn't something about *me* per se that she doesn't like.

Sarah, it seems you can commit to this relationship, it just may take your bmother a bit more time, I guess patience is a virtue, how we hate that one, huh? Certainly your adopting must have caused her to revisit alot of the past, give her time, it's not you darlin'...
Rose