[DebsW]

I am a thirty something adoptee. I have been in reunion for two years now. Love my birth family very much. I do love my adopted family very much. I still don't feel in the right place. I feel like I belong part way here and part way there.

I also don't feel I have the mother/daughter bond with either of my mothers. I would consider us close but not like I could share everything with either of them.

I feel like I have missed out on something, the bond. I feel like I have a cold streak running through me and I use it to protect myself.

As an adoptee, after having children, did you feel a bond close enough to call it unconditional love?

My husband and I have thought of having children and so I have been thinking about this for a while now.

DebsW

[keepitfluffy]

I too am an adoptee and I'm a mother. I love my children unconditionally and completely. I bonded with them while they were growing within me and that bond strengthed even more when they were born. I've done the typical adoptee thing of testing my relationships with others to see if they have staying power but don't do this with my children, it's a very different sort of relationship.

[DebsW]

Thanks keepitfluffy, I was wondering about that. I thought it could be that way for me.

When you say you tested relationships - what do you mean?

I always left the relationship because I would want to cut ties first. Is that what you mean by testing? Although, I don't expect anyone to come back either, I have a bad habit of holding a grudge for many years.

DebsW

[belleinblue1978]

I love my son enough that I gave him the life I couldn't. Even though he isn't with me, I adore him. I understand what my first mom went through in some ways now. Unconditional and total love.

[keepitfluffy]

Belleinblue, I think I can understand where you are coming from (although I'm an adoptee, not a birthmother) as my love for my children wouldn't change if they weren't with me, if you see what I mean.

Debs, by testing relationships what I've done in the past with my husband is push the boundaries (argueing, being a pain in the butt emotionally etc) to see if he would come up trumps and be with me for the whole ride. Although I never meant to hurt him and didn't consciously do it, I look back with maturity and see what I was doing. Anyhow, he's a brilliant guy and we now have a good marriage. I also tested my aparents by staying out all night, drinking etc. I found it hardest with friends when I was younger and would push them away before I could get rejected.

With my children though it's totally different. I love them so much and as the grown up in the relationship they do the acting out, not me!! I'm was surprised at how responsive I was to them as newborns and having small people who resemble me is awesome! I do think it has effected the way I parent though, I have painful difficulties separating from my children if they're upset when they start preschool/ school etc and really have to give myself a little talk about it being my issue, not theirs. I also attatchment parent: use a sling, breastfeed,co-sleep etc (although I wasn't familiar with the term when I first started, I just ditched the books and parented how it felt right in my heart). I guess I'm trying to give to my children what I missed out on as a baby.

[belleinblue1978]

keepitfluffy, just to clarify, I'm an adopted adult as well as a first mom.

[keepitfluffy]

Thanks Belle.

[DebsW]

thanks keepitfluffy and belle. sometimes I try to wrap my mind around how it would feel to be in a situation where a mother would have to give her baby up. Somehow I just can't get there. What I mean is I don't think I could imagine the amouth of pain and anguish it would make me feel but on the flip side, I don't know what a mother daughter bond feels like either and I am undecided if I want to even try to have a child because I don't know if I could be a good enough parent.

DebsW

[ocracoke]

Debs,

I think you are doing the right thing by questioning and soul searching. I think becoming a parent is hard -- adoptee or not. I am an adoptee (placed at 7 years old). I am really close to my amom -- she lives next door to me. We have been bonded from the first moment we met. I searched and found but the reunion was less then ideal. I actually cut off contact many years ago and my bmom died almost 4 years ago. I am single (which I think I always knew I would be and many people question if that has anything to do with being adopted and I don't know the answer to that) but I always knew that I wanted to be a mom. I brought my daughter home nearly 16 months ago and she just turned 3 years old this month. I will say that bonding for me was not instanteous. She bonded to me in about 3 days and made it perfectly clear. It took me closer to about a month. My love for her is unconditional and I can't imagine my life without her in it. She is the most important thing in my life. When I think of adding another child to my life I know absolutely that I can love another child but I worry about unsettling the balance that we have reached together. You will find the answer for yourself if you continue to search and examine yourself.

Samantha

[DebsW]

Samatha, Thank you for your reply. I have to say, I also never wanted to get married. It took me 7 years to agree to marry my husband. I still don't trust him and we have been married over 10 years now.

You have a lot of guts being a single parent. I have no idea if I could ever do that. Good for you. You sound so happy and content.

DebsW

[FallenChild]

Quick Question: If you cut off contact with your MOM many years ago,how do youknow your MOM died 4 years ago?? best, Fallen Child

[ocracoke]

I cut off contact with my BIRTH mom when I was 25 years old -- just a few months after I found her. However, as one of 7 children that she lost due to abuse and neglect (all were eventually adopted but 1), I have the ability to know things about my birth family without having contact with my BIRTH mother. So my bio sister, who was adopted with me, opted to maintain limited contact with her and our bio sister who was not adopted. As a result, I was kept informed as to when she fell sick and went into the hospital and I was informed when she died in March 2004.

Samantha

[LostinTriad]

Wow. You all have amazing spirit. I am registered on this site as my deceased adopted father - just to make it easier for searching and being found. However, I am a 37 yo female who is crazy to find her birth grand-mother. I'm one of 4 kids who would love to just see someone else that looks like us. Our parents were only children - so we have no aunts and uncles -so, basically, we are all we have. I cannot imagine that constant wondering or difficult reunion. However, our interest pales to what you all have experienced.
Debs - Do it. Have children! YOU can stop the cycle of wondering and emotional pain in your head! Be the top of your family tree for generations to come. Don't second guess yourself. It is smart to ask questions - it's impossible to think about loving something that isn't even growing yet...and sometimes, it's hard even when you're pregnant to love that embryo! But, just you wait! - time will stand still when it's born and you realize she/he's yours. There is not a moment in time before that, that you will feel so much love for another being in your life - no...not even a husband. Don't worry, Debs....instinct will kick in immediately - and so will the unconditional love. Around the time our oldest was born, our marriage was on the rocks...I was so worried about it and the new baby....My Mom gave me a piece of advice, "Make that baby your pal". It sounds silly and simpleton... but I jumped right on that idea and we bonded like I never expected - even with the tremendous love I felt for her - I felt EVEN closer to her. Debs, look at OcraCoke! She's a single mother and is obviously so proud of her child and their relationship that she is concerned about adding another child to that 'dynamic duo' - and she's LOVIN' the fact that she's doing it by herself.
Ocra - don't even know ya and I'm proud of you! What a lucky kid she is! I hope you don't hate getting advice - never mind...I'll just tell you what I experienced instead. Our kids are 10 years apart (don't ask...it was a ski trip) I cried for the first 6 months about the pregnancy...not wanting to mess up our little family, my new career, etc.... Oh yeah, and "how can I possibly love another child like we love the first?"! LOL! What a joke! I know you're not surprised to hear we love her just as much. However, you might not be able to believe that till you adopt again...I didn't believe it - not for one second! LOL! I thought, "this kid is gonna ruin it all!" Nope. She added depth, that we didn't even know we needed! (the marriage had been great for many, many years by then) So, anyway...the advice I would give, if you wanted to receive it is this....don't wait 10 years if you chose to have another child. My experience is that the first child is basically an only child for the first 10 years that you have them - no matter how old they are when you receive them. So, what I'm failing so miserably to explain is this....the oldest can feel abandoned after all those years of just you two - even if it's a simple matter of having to split the time between children. But, then again, Ocra, it may be a completely different story depending on the age of the second child when she comes to you. Well, I better sign off - it's early! Gotta get a few winks before sunrise! Good luck to all!

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by FallenChild

Quick Question: If you cut off contact with your MOM many years ago,how do youknow your MOM died 4 years ago?? best, Fallen Child

Then Ocracoke response,

" cut off contact with my BIRTH mom when I was 25 years old -- just a few months after I found her. However, as one of 7 children that she lost due to abuse and neglect (all were eventually adopted but 1), I have the ability to know things about my birth family without having contact with my BIRTH mother. So my bio sister, who was adopted with me, opted to maintain limited contact with her and our bio sister who was not adopted. As a result, I was kept informed as to when she fell sick and went into the hospital and I was informed when she died in March 2004.

Samantha"12-27-2007 02:52 AM

Perfect response in that when it comes to our own situations it ,is totally inappropriate to attempt to dictate how we define our own relationships.

I, AS in me, as in the one most impacted by adoption will decide what I waill call my mothers and will NOT be told how to do it. Mom is the women that raised me, ginger is the women that gave birth to me. Both wonderful people, but I will decide who is mom...no one else....

[hrisme]

<< I also tested my aparents by staying out all night, drinking etc. I found it hardest with friends when I was younger and would push them away before I could get rejected.>>

I also test relationships, more so when I had an active personality disorder (BPD). I've overcome that diagnosis, but still have an ongoing fear of abandonment. Holidays are especially difficult, with people in my support network going away. I needed repeated reassurance from my therapist and religious leader to believe that they would really come back after the holidays--and even then I've had to call my religious leader several times, just to make sure he's still there. My therapist calls it a lack of object permanence.

<<I also attatchment parent: use a sling, breastfeed,co-sleep etc (although I wasn't familiar with the term when I first started, I just ditched the books and parented how it felt right in my heart). I guess I'm trying to give to my children what I missed out on as a baby.>>

Interesting that you ended up attachment parenting. Though I am not yet a parent I have researched various parenting styles, and was automatically drawn to the attachment parenting approach. I think this also has something to do with wanting my children to have the secure attachments that I did not have as a child (though I had loving adoptive parents I never was securely attached).

That being said, I am terrified of having children because I don't feel capable of parenting in the way I believe is best for the children. I question my ability to even meet children's basic needs, let alone their emotional needs. I work with children in a child care center & lately have not been as emotionally responsive as I used to be. Everyone says it's different with your own kids, and it sounds like that's how it is with you. I'm just not sure.

Of course, I'm worrying about things that I don't have to worry about right now. I'm good at that.