[Mil]

Maybe if and when my Birth Mother ever treats me right then maybe she will earn being called Mum and not Birth Mother

I'm really not trying to start a big arguement over the mom/birthmom/naturalmom/firstmom thing. But the above statement is a big slap in the face to me. 'Earn the right to be called mom, not birth mother'???? Like birthmother is a dirty word? Many people prefer to be called birthmother and if that's what someone is comfortable with, they shouldn't be made to feel like crap and that birthmother is a dirty word. I'm a BIRTHMOTHER and I'm not looking to be called mom.

[DebsW]

Mil,

I think that for an adoptee there is a big difference calling a birth mom, birth mom or just mom. I think that, and I only speak for myself, being able to call my birth mom, mom is a really big deal. I do it because I want to call her that and she is happy with it. I did not have the amom and so I get a lot of comfort calling her "mom", even though she is my birth mom.

I guess thinking of the relationship I had with aparents I just want my mom and dad, my birth parents.

I think parent titles are a really big issue for most adoptees. It is each persons perspective.

I hope you are not offended, no one in the adoption world can be lumped together as a group. You and your son have things working for you in your relationship and that is all that matters for the two of you.

DebsW

[Mil]

You're right, we have worked things out to our comfort. He calls me by my first name. When I'm introduced to someone, it's 'this is my birthmother, *****. He doesn't say 'hey birthmother'. He is my 'son'in normal conversations, but when I need to explain things in conversation, he's my 'birthson'. But we don't need to be made to feel 'less' because of those terms, they're just explanations as to how we fit into each other's life. But I think the way it was used in the other post made it sound extemely offensive, like it was a dirty word and the person wasn't good enough to be called 'mom'.

[DebsW]

Mil, I find this part really interesting, for me anyway. I have not really introduced my mom (bmom) to any realatives - just a brother and my two sisters in law. They even call her my mom. Other than that I have introduced her to friends and I introduce her as Mom. She has introduced me as her daughter. She offers no explanation once she makes the intro. I have to say, I have enjoyed the looks of complete confusion, but she says it and then moves the conversation on and seems to prefer it that way.

I am sure there are many adoptees and bparents that would never do this, and many who do. Just a comfort fit for everyone.

Because of the circumstances she will never meet amom so I never think about how I would or may have to introduce them.

DebsW

[Mil]

Oh, there are many circumstances where I offer NO explanation. But for instance, the first time I took my twin grandsons to church with me - people asked who the little boys were and I said they were my grandsons. They were about 3 yrs. old at the time and these people knew my other children and knew they didn't have any kids. In that circumstance, I explained. And when I go to church with my son - his adoptive parents go to the same church and these people watched him grow up. So they KNOW who 'mom and dad' are to him. So just as a distinction, he says 'this is my birthmother......so that they understand. I have absolutely no problem with this. I explained to my son when we met that I'm NOT his mom. He has one of those and a darn good one at that. I'm his mother. And at times, to people who don't know him as well, he introduces me as 'his mother'. Especially to like his friends who know his mom and know he has found me. They sometimes refer to me as 'his mom' and he doesn't correct them cause he knows who they're talking about. I just don't see why birthmother needs to have negative connotations. And a discussion on this subject as we're talking about it is fine. But I'm NOT going to get into an arguement with people who think the term is a bodily function.

[DebsW]

Mil,

I get it.

I have to say, I wish my two mom's could meet and I would not have to worry about holidays, who is going to be where, where am I going, who will be hurt (aparents saw us as property not children) etc. It must be a major relief for your son that he can relax about the relationships he is fostering and that he will not have to deal with all his parents negative feelings as it sounds as though you are all in a good place with each other.

I feel pulled in so many directions when it comes to amom. She really knows how to lay on the guilt.

DebsW

[memememe13]

Search56


"I learned thru therapy that my adoptive family was severly dysfunctional. My adoptive mother was so selfish that she lived her life thru me. As long as I obeyed her wishes, everything was fine but if I didn't revolve my life around her (as an adult), she was so emotionally abusive that had I been a child, social services would have pulled me out of the situation. "

I am a fairly young adoptee--22--however, I will say Search 56, this is something that through my therapy has also come to my attention about my a-mom--and I have been really reluctant to figure out how I have to deal with it.

I read this thread--and have to say it has been the most helpful to me for some reason out of all of them. Having children, and being able to treat a person that I love with respect is something I would really love to be able to attain in the future. I'm young, but I see myself pushing and pushing always friends, boyfriends, everyone...I'm trying to fix that.

But more than anything...

Search 56 you're really an inspiration to me and my hopes towards a functional future. I have no aspirations to be a mother anytime soon, but reading what you had to say really gave me hope.
Hope that it is possible to grow strong for a better tomorrow--I hope that in my future I will be able to have the same sort of wisdom as you. Thank you, really--thank you

Beth.

[Nicole28]

What a great thread. I am almost 24 and my boyfriend & I are beginning to have serious discussions about moving in together, when we'd like to be engaged/married - and, of course, children. We took a long walk yesterday and talked about all of those things, and we even discussed the possibility of adopting after we'd have biological children. I was pleased that he is open to that possibility.

Anyway - I think that my latest adoption-related concern and 'fear' is that my adoption issues will prevent me from being a good mother to my future children. I am afraid that I will subconsciously avoid bonding with my child - even when they are still in the womb - because I am afraid of rejection or because I am aware that my biological mother refused to bond with me in what I can only assume was an attempt to protect herself emotionally.

My boyfriend, Dan, reassures me that my worries are unnecessary - he has a theory that I will have an amazing, strong bond even before my future children are born because I feel this intense, natural need for bonding since I never bonded with my biological mother. He could be right!

I hope to have biological children, and am open to the possibility of adopting as well. I am very thankful that I have a partner who understands how important it is to have support in potentially wanting to adopt. My concern in regards to this is that Dan wouldn't bond the same way with an adopted child as he would with a child that was biologically his. Does anyone else worry about this?

[DebsW]

Nicole,

I am glad to hear someone else voice the same feelings I have about bonding with a child. I don't know if I can do it. Still wondering about it.

As far as adoption goes, I have vastly different feelings on it. After meeting my bio family and spending many hours and many dollars on therapy to get past the way I was treated by aparents I have decided that even though adoption exists and I do understand it is very important for many children, I just don't think I could have a hand in taking a child from his/her mother. And yes I understand that sometimes it has to be done, I just can't see myself being a part of it. I wish to much that I could have stayed with my bmom that I have so much sadness about it, I just can't be a part of that. It is to emotional.

dsw